Hugs and Heavy Metal

The local youths have started loitering near my house. I called the cops but they said they can't legally make the kids let me join.

Me: I wonder why people stopped inviting me to their weddings. [two weeks from now] Also me: Congrats on surrendering your personal liberty to a social construct with a 50% failure rate. I see you're registered at Pottery Barn.

On the off chance North Korea wins the coming nuclear war I've been reading up on what state approved haircut would look best on me.

What if - HEAR ME OUT - what of Dennis Rodman is the only thing standing between us and nuclear war right now?

Once, I was in bed and realized the light was still on. I had a Nerf gun on my night table, and after missing the light switch with the 3rd and final dart, I slept for the entire night with the light on. And that's the story I interrupt people with when they try to tell me how "easy" it is to recycle.

Around 8:30am I was waiting to buy my coffee, and I chuckled when I saw a young dude with Coke slush in front of me. He glared at me like "Who do you think you are?" and I looked back as if to say "Your future. Now drink-up your breakfast, Billy".

Speed dating would be way better if everyone was on speed.

Some dudes at the gym walk around like they're holding an invisible yoga ball in front of them at waist-height. I'd love to go up to one and say "Are you through using that yoga ball?" and mime taking it away because I like waking up in exciting new places!

We should start calling oysters "pistachios of the sea"

Haven't felt up to posting anything in a while. Been feeling rather low for a while. I guess I'm not one of those people who can turn their depression into something creative.