daddy's got to be honest kitten. i don't think we're finding the northwest passage

“ur so quiet” thanks i do not want to talk to you

logically, i know that the philadelphia flyers know the worker who wears the gritty costume but it’s so much funnier to imagine that none of the flyers have ANY idea. 

you know that gag where there’s a character who’s falling off a ledge to their death and they’re all teary and the music swells as their hand slips and then the shot zooms out to show they fell like. two feet. that’s what answering important emails feels like.

i feel like ikea turns me into a different person. i walk into the swedish furniture jail and suddenly i’m a 29 year old pinterest mom who owns 6546 minimalist storage bins and names her daughter parsley

A conservative dress with children of your own race. SO progressive!

…. do you need something, or?

Yes, I need to tell you that you have been manipulated by this site I used to spend my entire youth on. I used to be just like you but life made me mature and I realize now how brainwashed I was. This site is poison, and I sincerely and absolutely mean that. You were here since 2012? I was since 2009. Please, wake up, I beg you. Please stop being misled by all these labels and infighting and utopian ideals, it’s not worth it. Stop living life for cheap pleasure. Seeing innocent people be led to chaos like this makes me cry. It really does. i wish you the best.

what in the god damn hell are you talking about……. this was a post about ikea

reading this post was like falling down the stairs

Doctors explaining hysteria in 1846

this is literally the only funny thing i have ever seen in my life, which includes a summa cum laude BA in the history of art

I'm just amazed that they managed to find someone who knew none of this

oh my fucking god

It’s five am. I can’t send this to every coworker I’ve ever had right now, so you get it instead

People often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven… what did all of those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment?

Dog heaven is also squirrel hell it’s a very efficient system.

i can’t stop fucking laughing at the thought of squirrels sinning so much in the mortal plane that they have to be sent to squirrel hell to atone

They know that the bird feeder isn’t meant for them

They tried it

he said i won’t get dragged on y’alls behalf

This is how men can support and boost women - by unashamedly correcting misogyny, even when they benefit from it.

I’m sorry I made the site crash with my big tits hitting the keyboard

This plays like one of the nonsense movies Sims watch

I have this thing called ‘I consider this person my friend but I don’t know if they consider me theirs’

my fear