Words and Junk.

I decided that I wanted to keep a journal, but I haven’t started it yet, so obviously, an online blog post that no one is ever likely to read is kind of the same thing, right? 

Just in case anyone is reading this (I know someone probably follows me) I am going to reiterate what I said on facebook this morning. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am losing my freaking mind or something, or at least losing the ability to function as a normal member of society. I slept last night. I had my cpap mask on, and the machine running even. That’s really important to my quality of sleep and continued breathing. But even with breathing, I slept for almost 10 hours and woke up exhausted. I barely dragged myself out of bed this morning at 8:45, and that was only because that was the very last minute that I could keep laying there before I would be late to work. And with me being the only one working, I can’t afford to miss any work.

I am having these anxiety dreams about school. They’re mostly high school/college flashbacks where I’m having trouble opening a locker, finding a class, or something like that. Some of them are about me waking up (in the dream) and realizing that I have both work and school to go to and not wanting to go to both, and trying to figure out how many classes I can miss before I fail for attendance, and realizing I’ve been dropped from classes for missing class. It’s always a history of math class for some reason. My grad school program is Psychology. I’m not taking anything even similar to those, and I’m going to an online school. I’m just stressed out about it apparently.

My fish is sick. This probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people, but I really care about animals. I think he’s dying because he is constipated and has swim bladder disorder. I have done everything that I can to fix him and nothing is working. 

On Saturday we came home and I was already depressed and I went to get something out of the closet and the freaking closet ceiling has started collapsing and water was coming in and it was moldy and just great. I put a work order in with my landlord, but no one has bothered to call me or email me back or anything, so how the hell am I supposed to know what’s going on there? What I do know is that all of my clothes and random crap are piled all over my bedroom. So that’s just freaking great and stressing me out on top of everything else. Especially since this isn’t the first time I’ve lived in a house with mold and the last time is why I have to have the freaking cpap. So that’s just a bunch of internal screaming. Especially since there is really nowhere else to move down here, but I don’t want to live in a house with mold and an unusable closet.

I am so freaking tired and angry and depressed all the time. My doctor calls it a “mood disorder” because she’s afraid if she calls it bipolar disorder, which it probably is, I’ll never be able to get another job or something stupid. Last time I checked, jobs don’t look particularly hard into your medical records. Meaning they don’t at all. I mean, what the hell lady? And every time I tell her that I am still depressed as hell and too tired to function she just keeps upping my OCD medication, which could be a contributing factor in why the hell I am so freaking tired. 

I'm so exhausted, and I still have 10 more hours in my day (because 8 of them are work). Wtf?

We went to get a trailer today for a friend of ours, and it ended up being a piece of junk. That would have been fine, if I hadn't been dragged out of bed three hours early and had to drive an hour there and an hour back for no reason, since we ended up not buying it because it wasn't worth it. Welcome to my life.