#complaints

C: And they’re also dead. So.

Challenge #04944-M195: Letter Campaign

A malicious letter writing campaign forces Lord Kormwind to implement a restrictive policy in regards to mail coming into Whitekeep. This has unforeseen consequences. -- Deathshead419

[AN: I can't easily imagine what might lead to such things in Whitekeep. Origins outside of Whitekeep can work]

A king of conquest is generally expected to encounter the need for more conquest. In such a way, empires are wont to grow. King Kormwind Arachis Felbourne Whitekeep, ninth of his name, stopped short of controlling enough land to become an Emperor, and instead forged an alliance.

Which did nothing to stop people calling it The Infernal Empire.

And nothing to stop people outside of it from getting funny ideas about what went on within its borders. And, like most people with a bug in their bonnet, they sought to appeal to the highest authority. Unfortunately, the highest authority was the very fellow they were complaining about. And they all wrote the same letter.

Subject: [106-77-859]

Situation: [106-77-859] wished to visit Finland. Wish was granted upon breaking the willow. [106-77-859] called to put in a formal complaint. Following is the transcript of the call.

[106-77-859]: Yeah, what the FUCK?!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: [silence]

[106-77-859]: I'm in the middle of BUMFUCK NOWHERE! I only got my fucking keys, wallet and phone on me!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: And the packaging.

[106-77-859]: AND YOUR FUCKING PACKAGING. [pause] WHERE THE FUCK AM I?

Tabi Cat Curiosities: Finland.

[106-77-859]: [scoffs] WHERE in Finland.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: I don't know, you didn't specify.

[106-77-859]: How the fuck am I supposed to know, then?!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: You called us. You have a phone. [bored sigh] Look it up on Maps or something.

[106-77-859]: [scoffs, fumbles with phone] God fucking dammit... [fumbling continues, mumbles] Y'all some motherfuckers, I swear. [tapping, long pause] Ok... [fumbling] I'm near Ranua.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: Is that in Finland?

[106-77-859]: YES, IT'S IN FUCKING FINLAND.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: Don't yell. [pause] I see no problem here, wish was granted.

[106-77-859]: The fuck you mean you see no problem? I AM STUCK IN FINLAND. [pause] I ain't got nothing on me, man! No clothes, no luggage, nothing!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: You should've made a more specific wish, as per package instructions.

[106-77-859]: Your instructions can suck my dick, send me home.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: I can't do that. You cannot cancel a wish.

[106-77-859]: The fuck you mean?! I gotta go home, man!! Lemme make another wish!!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: You cannot have more wishes. It’s one wish per person, per life. It’s policy.

[106-77-859]: [scoffs] Y'all are fuckin' assholes, fuck y'all and your voodoo hoodoo shit!!

[106-77-859] proceeds to end the call. Our Tabi Cat Curiosities representative notes down the complaint.

Subject: [648-90-172]

Situation: [648-90-172] wished for “a metric fuckton of cash”. Wish was granted upon breaking the willow. [648-90-172] called to put in a formal complaint. Following is the transcript of the call.

[648-90-172]: [loud thudding in the background] Make it stop.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: [silence]

[648-90-172]: [tired, quiet voice] Please. Make it stop.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: We cannot cancel a wish.

[648-90-172]: I’ve had enough. It just won’t stop. It tracks me everywhere... When I leave the house, it falls from the sky. People are staring at me like I'm a creep. I can’t go out anymore. [pause] My house is full of it. I can’t see my fucking floor anymore. [pause] I can’t shower, I can’t eat… I can’t sleep. It won’t stop. It’s been a week and it hasn’t stopped.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: We cannot cancel a wish.

[648-90-172]: [angry] But I said it’s enough! I don’t need this much money!!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: You did not specify the amount.

[648-90-172]: [silent, thudding continues]

Tabi Cat Curiosities: We cannot quantify a “metric fuckton”. You should have specified the amount.

[648-90-172]: How did you know that?

Tabi Cat Curiosities: We cannot help you.

[648-90-172]: Fuck… [sobbing begins] Fuck! [sobbing harder]

[648-90-172] proceeds to throw his phone against what sounded like a hard surface, ending the call. Our Tabi Cat Curiosities representative notes down the complaint.

Subject: [224-60-753]

Situation: [224-60-753] wished for confidence to ask out their crush. Wish was granted upon breaking the willow. [224-60-753] called to put in a formal complaint. Following is the transcript of the call.

[224-60-753]: H-hi? O-one Wish W-willow?

Tabi Cat Curiosities: Yes.

[224-60-753]: [deep sigh] Well, I did it! I asked her out.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: [silence]

[224-60-753]: Great, right? [pause] She said no.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: Ok.

[224-60-753]: She said NO! [chuckles]

Tabi Cat Curiosities: Ok.

[224-60-753]: It’s not what you promised!! You said my wish would come true!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: It did come true.

[224-60-753]: Excuse me?

Tabi Cat Curiosities: It did come true. You wished for the confidence to ask her out. And you asked her out.

[224-60-753]: Y-yeah, but… I wanted her to say yes! I didn't want her to reject me, hello?!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: That’s not what you wished for.

[224-60-753]: Fuck what I wished for!! I wanted her to go out with me on a date. ONE DATE! To get to know me! She'd love me if she got to know me! [pause] Make her go out with me.

Tabi Cat Curiosities: No can do. You had your wish, should’ve wished for that. [pause] Actually... don't wish for that. That sounds bad.

[224-60-753]: I-I want to amend my wish! I- I wanna change it, I want her to go out on a date with me. Make her go out with me!!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: You can’t change or amend wishes.

[224-60-753]: Then give me another! Give me one more wish! Just one! I’ll get it right this time!!

Tabi Cat Curiosities: You cannot have more wishes. It’s one wish per person, per life. It’s policy.

[224-60-753]: [scoffs] Fuck you guys. [pause] And fuck your stupid policy, too. Your policy can suck my dick.

[224-60-753] proceeds to end the call. Our Tabi Cat Curiosities representative notes down the complaint.