stop gendering children

I grew up a tomboy- at 13 I came out as ftm trans. Soon after, my best friend (who I’ll adore forever) came out as ftm trans as well, but didn’t approach it as I had- reading articles, listening to podcasts, scrolling through educational videos- he latched on instead to people like Kalvin Garrah and similar influencers who propose that “transtrenders” exist and steal “real” trans people’s supplies and that you need dysphoria to be trans, etc.

This was the first time I really became aware that there was something deeply flawed in my understanding of gender. I have dysphoria, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I don’t hate my body; I hate how people see my breasts and assign me “female.” I don’t hate dresses and how they look, I hate that it means automatically no one asks for my pronouns.

Tonight I was working on an oratory for debate that started with a central idea I wanted to expand: “We Don’t Need to Fit Your Stereotypes.” I felt that if male could look like dresses and cars and makeup and video games and childcare, if female could look like gardening and beards and owning a business and loving pink, then maybe there wouldn’t need to be transitioning. If we made breasts=anyone and penises=anyone then maybe I would wear a dress everyday and my friend would be able to shower with the lights on.

Basically, I was trying to say ask everyone, everyone, their pronouns, and allow people’s looks and hobbies to be defined by their interests rather than the roles forced on them at birth as a result of their genitals. This contradicted with my central idea, so new title: “We Don’t Need to Fit Stereotypes.” I’m no longer writing about trans versus cis norms, I’m trying to write about all people versus the (at best, limiting) rules of gender forced upon them.

After exploring that (and after realizing what I think I’ve always knows is true: I’m not a boy, but just someone severely disconnected from whatever a boy or girl is supposed to be and generally masculine by societal standards, making he/him the easiest explanation) I had to take a break, and somehow @stopgenderingchildren was the first post recommended for me. After scrolling through for awhile, I felt like I’d found a whole rabbit hole of some new level of gender I’ve only briefly considered before, of thoughts I’ve always struggled to put into words.

After this night, I still have questions though, and unfortunately the ask box just doesn’t have nearly enough characters. The main things I’m still struggling to understand is: what is womanhood? What is manhood? If no one were gendered and lived life by personalities, why would there ever be a need for those two at all, or masculinity or femininity? What stops life from just... going on if people dressed and acted and were interested in what they want to be? What is the point of this thing that causes people so much pain? Even in things like athletics, split up to “help,” there are still people with different amounts of hormones, different heights, people are just different. And it’s all so incredibly westernized. I’ve read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, and there was a striking story about a trans woman who found the more society expected her to not be able to do things like open a jar, the more she found herself unable to do those things.

I don’t know, this is a bit all over the place, but I really just need some direction. I’m trying really hard to understand this on my own, but after scrolling through your blog I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Thanks you so much ahead of time 🌹 ~~~~

Hi awesome person!! Unfortunately this blog is a tad bit dead, but I am still a real person who can write things, and I’m still passionate about gender and child development, so here I am, responding to you. Also I want to apologize because tumblr is broken and I have no idea how long ago this message was sent to me. For all I know, you could be old enough to drink by now. Oops. Thank you for sharing your journey with gender so far. You sound very thoughtful and systematic about these things, and I love it. First I want to say that I'm sorry your friend has such limited thoughts about the ways it's okay to be trans. That kind of exclusionist thinking doesn't actually help more supplies come around, or help binary trans people get acceptance. It just makes it harder for people to work together to change things. That said, I've known some young trans people who held these positions initially because it was part of the way they were proving their gender to themselves and the world. Once they got more secure in their understanding of themselves, they had more room for accepting other types of trans people. I hope that happens for your friend. I felt like I’d found a whole rabbit hole of some new level of gender I’ve only briefly considered before... Wow, awesome. I love that this blog did that for you. I wish I had more time to make it a consistently amazing place! what is womanhood? What is manhood? Each person gets to decide this for themselves. If you ask me, that’s what makes gender exciting!! Everyone is different. We need lots of different people in the world, lots of different genders, lots of different gender expressions, for the world to continue being as amazing as it is. The idea that there are only two types of gender expression, “manhood” and “womanhood,” is and always has been flawed. Humans have always been more diverse than that. We are just, now, in this supercool time when people are spending energy and vocabulary thinking about it in a more active way. If no one were gendered and lived life by personalities, why would there ever be a need for those two at all, or masculinity or femininity? It sure is an interesting concept, to think of life without gender. I don’t personally believe, however, that gender doesn’t exist. I just don’t believe we should be giving children recipes for gender and then expecting them to follow the recipes in order to be “proper” people. That is gendering which is something we do to other people. Gendering others is meddling at best and traumatic at worst, whether those others are children, teens like you, or adults. So, if the world lived according to my values, we would still have gender, but gender would be something that comes from within, not from without. Maybe we would still have two genders that are most common, maybe not. In a patriarchal society, gender definitions can serve an important and protective function, especially for women, trans, and genderqueer folks. As an example, I teach classes for parents about child development. As I am passionate about parents sharing the joys and challenges regardless of their gender, I welcome all parents to my classes. I stand by this decision, but I recently had a chance to observe a similar class that only allowed mothers (women) to attend. I noticed that the women felt more comfortable being vulnerable in this setting, and in particular they felt able to discuss things like how their bodies were changing and healing after giving birth. By excluding certain people based on gender, this instructor created a safe space that was different from my own classes, and probably better for at least some of those women. I imagine a similar effect would be seen in a class that only allowed fathers (men) or trans or genderqueer parents. What stops life from just... going on if people dressed and acted and were interested in what they want to be? What is the point of this thing that causes people so much pain? Even in things like athletics, split up to “help,” there are still people with different amounts of hormones, different heights, people are just different. And it’s all so incredibly westernized. I hear your frustration so much! Why can't we just let people be themselves! And, yes it's super westernized, and that is ridiculous too. But I think all we can do is speak up for ourselves and others when we feel able, and model behavior towards others that isn't gendering, for example using they/them pronouns for people who's gender we don't know, and not making a big deal of a boy wearing a dress. Or, of course, you could do more by choosing a profession where you are teaching children or adults about gender diversity, or working to pass laws that support name changes and freedom to transition. There are lots of ways we could make the world better! I’ve read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, and there was a striking story about a trans woman who found the more society expected her to not be able to do things like open a jar, the more she found herself unable to do those things. This book sounds awesome. I will check it out! And, yes, people are gendered in a very subconscious way because it starts at birth, before language and verbal (story) memory. There is lots of research showing that we treat babies different based on their assigned gender from the very first day they are born. Creepy... I don’t know, this is a bit all over the place, but I really just need some direction. I’m trying really hard to understand this on my own, but after scrolling through your blog I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Lastly, I just want to say that it sounds like you are on a great path to figuring things out for yourself. Just keep trying things on to see what fits, both metaphorically and literally, if you like :)