one and only

I saw Louis a month and a half ago and I've been wanting to write a lil recap of my experience at the gig. What resulted was an essay, but I'd like to post it here as a record for myself of what a fabulous night I had, a bit of a journal entry. If anyone sees this and wants to read it, that's amazing.

I became a fan of One Direction in early 2012, when I was a freshman in college. I was 18, the same age as most of the boys. I’m fairly sure I first heard about them from watching a Cimorelli cover video of WMYB. After like 5 minutes of making fun of how corny the song was, my best friend and I searched up the actual WMYB video and immediately….we got it. I remember her thinking Zayn and Liam were cute. I liked Liam and Louis. Obviously Harry was adorable. Niall looked young lol but we truly loved them all. Over the next few days we watched music videos, interviews, and started a One Direction tumblr together. I came across my first 1D fanfic, which had Lirry as the pairing lol.

Our sophomore year we started an official Directioners club at our college. Like we had to go through paperwork and trainings and things to become an officially recognized student club. We advertised at the club fair and had a cardboard cutout of Harry at our booth for people to take photos with. People (men) made rude comments and put us down for loving One Direction, but others approached our table so delighted, and put their names and emails on our list.

Throughout the year we organized meetings and events for Directioners at our school. Sometimes it was just our close friends in the room, who were more passive fans of 1d and mainly just coming along to have a giggle with us. But there were days that others turned up too, and a handful of people who attended regularly. We did an outing to see This Is Us, and had a 1D Day watch party at our apartment. We booked classrooms to have evening meetings for listening to and discussing one direction. We watched music videos. We wrote fan mail. We always brought snacks. It was just a really fucking wholesome time.

While my bestie and I loved and obsessed over the boys, and got a good few of our friends to enjoy 1D too, I sort of knew I was in a little deeper. I’d stay up until the wee hours on tumblr watching Larry edits and reading fanfics, keeping up with fandom discourse. Don’t get me wrong, my friends and I were all on board with Larry. We sort of didn’t fully, wholeheartedly believe in it, but we were delighted by the possibility. We’d have moments watching Larry proof youtube videos on the living room tv, jaws dropped, beer in hand, saying ‘oh my god, Larry is so fucking real.’ But I also had my secret late nights on tumblr, taking a deeper look and getting more and more interested in the truth.

In 2014 my best friend and I finally saw One Direction live for the first time. We travelled to Los Angeles to see 1D at the rose bowl, and made it into a 10-day trip to celebrate my 21st birthday. The gig was fucking delightful, the trip was wonderful. We saw some LA-based friends, went to Disneyland and Venice Beach, and spent a bit of time with some of my family. We had a ridiculous night out for my 21st, starting with going backstage at a Passenger gig where he supplied me with my first ever legal drink. It was really good and much needed bonding time for me and my friend.

Toward the end of our senior year Zayn left the band, over the summer we saw One Direction in Seattle on the OTRA tour, and in our first year out in the working world the band broke up. Life went on. I remained a proud 1D fan, but it wasn’t the same. I went through a rough breakup at the end of 2016 and started smoking weed a lot. I had never really bought my own weed or smoked by myself, but it became my nightly habit. It lifted me out of how deeply depressed I was at that point in my life and helped me enjoy being in my mind. I revisited Larry content again and saw the whole situation with fresh eyes. I had been nearly there, but it was then, in my stoney state, that my belief in them really solidified.

All the boys were still special to me. I kept up with their first solo projects, loved This Town, Back To You, all of Mind of Mine. And of course Harry’s first album. It always reminds me of going away to my friend’s lake cabin in summer 2017 and it playing over the speaker while we cooked dinner. That and SZA’s Ctrl bring back such strong memories of that summer, those friends.

I went through another big Larry phase in 2020 and decided to create this blog. Fine Line and Walls got me back into their stories and I adored both albums. But after awhile life moved on, Covid happened, and I didn’t go on tumblr much. I listened to Harry’s House a bit, but didn’t love it. I never listened to FITF, and didn't keep up with Zayn or Liam. I dabbled with Niall's music and saw two of his shows over the years with a friend of mine from grad school.

Then Liam died. As I write this, I’m stuck there. How do I explain the impact of the loss of Liam?

It became clear to me then how important One Direction is in my heart. I really struggled with my mental health all throughout college (and ever since tbh), and One Direction was the only thing that could make me feel a bit of hope some days. Their music, their shining personalities, their laughter, their gorgeous selves. This intangible connection with the boys, even when I felt completely disconnected from the closest people in my life. It took losing Liam to fully acknowledge and appreciate how precious they really were to me during those years, and how important they still are to me now. I cried over Liam a lot then, and sometimes I still do. Since then, One Direction is always in rotation.

With HDIGH and KATTDO coming out at the same time, I’ve gone through my biggest Larry phase to date. I’ve been really active on this account for months, after not really touching it for 5 years. I listen to both albums relentlessly, and finally have heard FITF (again and again and again). I went to my first ever Louis gig (which I promise I am getting to), and literally just bought my tickets to see Harry in London!! I am reading sooo many fanfics lol. I’m just loving it at the moment and have been filling a lot of space in my heart with Harry and Louis.

So finally, the Louis gig. I bought a ticket about a month before the show and was buzzing for it over those weeks. I had a shit couple of days before the gig. A lot of anxiety, some family stuff, financial stress - just a lot going on. The night before and the day of the show I wasn’t even sure if I was going. I wanted to so badly, but I just wasn’t sure if I'd swing it. 

But on the day, after work and an anxiety attack, I pulled my shit together, drove to my parents house in Dublin, drank a beer, took a shot, and made my way to the gig. I arrived while Pale Waves was playing. I watched them for a few minutes, then got merch and two more beers.

After Pale Waves I made my way on to the floor and found myself a good place to stand. I went to the show by myself which I was totally happy with. Feeling a little buzzed I turned to the girl next to me and complimented her tattoo (it was really cute, of her childhood stuffed animal). I got to talking to her and her friend, they were so nice. They were both 19, super beautiful, super sweet. I’m 32 and can’t believe 19 year olds are out there existing in the world lol it feels so very long ago. They actually live fairly close to where I do so we bonded over that. They had been fans of 1D as young girls and continue to love all the individual members and go to their solo gigs. Sweethearts.

Then the show began, and my god. I was so happy to be there. Louis looked gorgeous, the vibes and the music and the lights were just right. I was just fucking vibing and loving it. After a few songs a girl came up to me and asked if I was there by myself. She was too, and had travelled across Ireland to come see Louis. She was 23, and had seen One Direction on the TMH tour, which I was quite envious of lol. She said she was always a Louis girl, but hadn’t kept up much with his music over the years and didn’t know all the songs from the new album. Still she was so delighted to be there. We chatted in the seconds between the songs, and ended up spending the whole concert together. I asked at one point if she was a Larry girly and she was and I confessed I had a Larry blog and we had a good giggle. After the show we parted ways at the bathroom and I got her name but I wish I got her instagram or something. She was so sweet and nice and fun, and would just look at Louis in awe saying ‘that’s my boy’.

Sometime in the second half of the gig some girls approached me and asked if I knew all the songs. Lol. I guess I stood out as an obvious Big Fan since I was singing and dancing to every song. I told them I did, and they came back to me a few times with questions about the setlist. They were in their mid-late 20s (idk why I was asking everyone their age, it was just interesting to see the demographics), and had never been fans of One Direction. They came to the gig because they heard Sanity on a random playlist and loved it, so they listened to a couple more songs and bought the concert tickets on a whim. I heard them talking to each other about how pleasantly surprised they were with the show, how much they were enjoying all the music.

As I was leaving the venue I saw a bit of a crowd down the street. I asked someone what was going on and they said everyone was waiting for Louis. I had no intention of sticking around after the gig or trying to meet him, but I stood there for a bit taking it all in. and with each passing minute that I invested time, it became harder to walk away. Waiting with the group was fun. People were playing One Direction and Louis songs off their phones and singing along. There was such palpable energy and excitement floating around. People filtered out gradually and the crowd grew smaller and smaller. I met two 19 year old girls from Sweden who had travelled to Ireland for the show. They were wearing matching t-shirts they got on Temu with a picture of like 2011 Louis on them lol it was great. They had just missed meeting him in Stockholm so they were determined to meet him this time. They were the ones to tell me, after an hour and a half of waiting and speculating, that they’d been sent a video of him leaving the venue in a car. It would have been crazy to meet him but it was never really my plan. It was just nice to spend a bit longer soaking up the whole evening and experience. Toward the end I met a lovely girl who waited with me on the corner while I got a taxi. So kind.

Harry and Louis’ love story always struck a chord with me. Even when I wasn’t 100% convinced, I wanted to believe in it so badly. In the earlier years of being a fan, I wasn’t really aware enough to understand the marketing behind 1D or closeting in the music industry. But as I learned more and went deeper into the lore, I grew more and more attached to them and their story, and that’s basically the trajectory I’ve remained on for years. With everything I learn about, every clip I see, every new song they release, I become more interested, more invested. Their story is one of a strong, complicated, fateful love and I’m absolutely fucking enchanted and fascinated by it.

I sat down to write a recap of Louis’ concert, but what has emerged is my story of how One Direction and its members impacted my life. I am truly grateful to have discovered them when they were an active band, and for those years to align perfectly with my undergrad years in college. I’m grateful to be the same age as the boys and truly feel like we have grown up together. I’m grateful for the years of music and the experiences I had seeing One Direction and their solo shows. I’m grateful for the hope and faith that Louis and Harry’s love brings me. I’m grateful that Harry, Louis, Niall and Zayn continue to release music and entertain us. I’m grateful for all that Liam gave me during his life. I'm grateful for the endless art, stories, discourse, inspired by this once in a lifetime band and couple.