i dont give 2 bitches and a flying cooch

congrats lil buddy that’s the worst anyone’s ever done it

My funniest ventriloquism story starts with the fact that I was obsessed with ventriloquism from a young age. I used to obsessively practice speaking without moving my lips, practicing the different tongue and air tricks and everything. Then I got sick with Bell’s Palsy, and it hit both sides of my face at the same time. Bell’s Palsy is like a headcold that hits your facial nerves. Anyway- This meant my entire face was paralyzed. I couldn’t speak using my lips. The doctor stared at me, dumbfounded that I was able to speak very fluently without my face moving at all.

send me the chubbiest kitten

i realize now this says kitten and not chicken

how come cats look outside and start vibrating their little mouths so much and so quick while sounding like they are printing copies from a fax machine. why do birds do that to them.

My cat when she sees a bird: ..-. .-.. -.– / .. -. / – -.– / – — ..- - ….

the five seconds of what sounded like multiple climaxing marios was what really sold me on this post

my friend liz downloaded some free audio software a few months ago to do something and now every time she joins a call a female voice says “trial. trial.” and liz doesn’t remember the name of the software or know how to stop it and she doesn’t want to

my friend liz had her spotify account hacked and literally didn’t realize for a year until I was talking about my decade in review playlist and she looked at hers and it was all brazilian music and she was like oh this explains why I would go to sleep listening to classical music and wake up and it’s playing trap. and also why there are like 30 playlists on my account that I didn’t make. she just thought spotify was like that

hand to god at some point my friend liz managed to fuck up her install of Portal so bad that it was displaying minecraft textures

*pulls up to mcdonalds drive thru* hey…..it’s me again

someone needs to make a convenient chart or list of how certain foods are “supposed” to taste or feel because my friend has an allergy to mangoes that makes them taste like “pine” to him, until a few years ago I thought everyone’s gums got sore after eating an avocado, tumblr beetledrink didn’t realize it was weird for potatoes to make you hot and sweaty, there’s no telling how many people are tasting things wrong or think something is just real spicy when it’s actually trying to kill them

are pears supposed to taste and feel pointy

Pears are one of the softest fruits i know if theyre ripe you perhaps have an allergy

THAT’S how you make lace??

In general textile arts are highly underated considering the amount of skill and time needed to execute pretty much anything.

I am always amazed by the  people that do this and somehow keep all those threads from tangling!

growing up on tumblr is weird bc they let you say anything on here except show tits but on tiktok you have to censor curse words and say things like d1e and then instagram calls it hate speech for saying u dislike men

They used to let us show tits

Hot girl summer

Booty shorts that say "vaccinated" on the ass

the new resident evil looks legit