stephie hell

It was there the 2nd time too, but not quite as strongly.

Even TALKING about it now makes me feel anxious.

Out in the Flat Places* there’s nowhere to goddam hide from the sky. It’s all nothingness from horizon to horizon, and that nothingness wants to grind you under its boot like an ant, I swear to god.

Donbas steppe

But, simultaneously (and that’s the crazy part), the sky triggers my threat response.

And I know friends from plains/field/steppe-country who find it stressful to have mountains “looming” over them (their words, never mine).

Them: comforting wide horizons, I could see any threat coming. Me: I am exposed, I will fall into the sky :(

Photo by Ansel Adams

When we first started dating, I'd usually only travel to see him in the Twin Cities, except one time, one of his coworkers was getting married up in North Dakota, so we made it into a road trip.

I fell asleep in the car like a true passenger princess and woke up to nothing but flatness, but not just any flatness, no. It had been raining, and the plains were filled with water, so for all intents and purposes, it was like waking up in the middle of the fucking ocean with nothing but too much sky above me and absolutely nothing around us but the endless stretch of water and the empty road in front of us.

When I tell you the primal fear that went through me. It was like falling upwards. It was like gravity just didn't exist, and there was no limit to how high my panic could rise. I had to do that stretch of the journey with my chair tipped back so I couldn't see the emptiness. Like a blinkered horse ready to bolt and break all my legs at once in a frenzied panic to escape the Nothingness.

All of North Dakota is the same elevation, so nothing stops the flood water. The interstate roads are built just high enough so you can still drive on them so it really looks like you are driving in the ocean when it happens. But not the normal ocean, a still, no waves, quiet ocean with random patches of trees sticking up.

But that first winter before I went home to Van for Xmas, I felt like I was sort of losing my grip.

I didn’t really know why, or what was happening. I had thought it was just dealing with the extra cold weather in SK, but when I flew home and we were coming into land in Vancouver, and I saw the snow-capped mountains and I practically burst into tears - because a part of me deep inside relaxed because I was like “There it is - the end/the stopping point of the land, where the mountains come up.”

Yes, the screaming is a lot, but they’ve been extremely quiet neighbors for thirteen years, cut them some slack as they go through the most fraught time of their lives.

Anyway, she was super fucking homophobic and abusive to me when I told her I was gay, so here’s the recipe

4-6 lbs of Hamburger/turkey burger

1 pk onion soup mix OR ranch mix

1 TBs ketchup

1 Tbs spicy brown mustard,

1 Tbs bbq sauce

1 Tbs steak sauce

1 egg

mix, shape into a loaf in a big pan, and bake at 350 for 2 hrs (maybe 2 and a half if you’re feeling dangerous)

(6 servings)

-2lbs red potatoes

-1 cup butter (2 sticks)

-1 cup cream cheese (1 pack)

-Chives (optional)

-Salt & Pepper to taste

1. drop those bad boys (potatoes) in a big ol pot. U don’t even have to chop them just wash them

2. boil til soft!

3. Drain

4. Mash (usually they’re small enough you can use a fork if u don’t have one of those squashers) until its a pretty chunky mix

5. add the other stuff. Keep mashing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1W93dKYNiRu3mMHXimuLYO7rtLM4pTH2o/view?usp=sharing

Feel free to add your recipes to it, it should be editable for everyone! Just please be kind to each other, and don’t delete each others work! It warms my heart how collaborative this has become!

With love, 

New zine that's free for anyone to print and distribute! Read the whole thing at newlevant.com/COVIDzine or in the rest of this post.

UPDATE 4/11/2023: