Lamenting And Wailing

I accomplished several things on the checklist. My great room area is now devoid of the piles of stuff, vacuumed, dusted and feeling good. The kitchen has been scrubbed but i still need to do the floor. E stopped by so i took a break. Let’s see if i get motivated again. Bathroom still needs doing but unless i get motivated again, that might be a tomorrow thing. I know getting it all done will make me feel so much better. Just having the living room done has helped immensely.

I have my hair up in a low pony, wearing a halter top with no bra and jean shorts. E looked at me and said you’ve lost a lot of weight. I can really see it. That felt better than it should’ve lol.

I had a lovely time with my sibling last night. He lectured me on my money security anxiety and how it keeps me from achieving the things I want/need to do. We also talked about various ways I might pay for my home project this fall instead of taking out a loan. He gave me some things to think about.

I did tell E we really need to check a few things off the list next weekend. He agreed. Let’s hope we actually can.

I hit the new garden center and they were very nice. You can tell it’s new because things were a wee bit disorganized. Pretty sure I got a variegated leaf evergreen bush for way less than it should have been but on the flip, I paid too much for perennials there. They were nice and a good variety. No place had reasonably priced annuals. No place except Lowe’s had a good variety of annuals either. So I paid too much for both annuals and perennials at Lowe’s. That’s ok. This project was a labor of love. As E says, “it’s only money, we’ll make more.” I grabbed a couple of tomato plants and a basil plant too. Then I stopped at my favorite bakery and picked up some treats to take for dessert.

This week has been pretty good. I feel a bit as if a pressure valve has been released. Work is much more manageable. I feel more in control and all the controversy has been resolved. The new peer has dove in and is getting the hang of it. I had a good meeting with both the leaders I report to. They’re very supportive of the work boundaries I’m putting in place for myself. It feels better.

I did decide to take the half day tomorrow. I have a meeting in the morning I don’t want to miss and then I’m outta there. My plan is to go garden center hopping. There’s a new place I want to check out. Then the regular haunts. I need annuals for all my pots, several perennials for the new flower beds and maybe a couple of tomato plants. I’m also on the lookout for a garden bench I can put in the front flower bed. After, im having dinner with my brother and his wife. The weekend is get shit done! Bathroom cleaning, kitchen cleaning and great room cleaning. Hoping to go through some stuff as well. Sorted for garage sale, FB marketplace sale or dumpster.

E and I are seemingly fine now. Taking the pressure off helped. I think me more than him tbh. He was over Tuesday and did a repair to the beater vehicle. Hes sorting through stuff at home and boxing it up. We have no move date and I’m not pushing to set one. I think letting D get settled into the new role and see how much money he’s actually making and bringing home over the Summer will give us a better idea. I held a boundary for myself with E today on the phone. He’s like maybe we should have my mom over for a cookout next weekend. Nope. That turns into a big stressful production. My house is a disaster, my deck isn’t put together and at the moment the grill is buried in the garage. Hard pass on ruining a weekend. He can go visit her on any day off. We can have a cookout next month when things are more settled. I care very much about the state of my house and would be terribly embarrassed if someone was here right now. I think he has no awareness of how much stress he brings to the table with stuff like that. He Ramps up anxiety and it’s just a lot. Then the kitchen is a disaster I have to clean up because he cooked etc.

My house is a wreck and it’s making me a wee bit nuts. I took a look at the forecast for the upcoming weekend. I think I might take a half day on Friday and go adventure on a plant buying excursion. There’s a new garden center I’d like to check out. Then on Saturday I need to clean. Sunday I’ll save for relaxation. So, we shall see how the week progresses.

E’s ankle is still not healed in the way when you pull muscles and tendons they don’t heal for months. So, he works and it hurts, he comes over here doing stuff and it hurts and then it gets really painful and swollen. So he’s in the boot today. His mood seems lighter. It’s taking every ounce of self control to not ask anything. I’m realizing how much time I spend worrying about what he’s eating, doing, feeling etc. not great Bob. I really needed this little smack in the face of an argument. Obviously, I care about those things but I’ve been carrying such a load that’s not mine. A bunch of them actually if you include work stuff.

We agreed that I’m going to hold off painting the bedroom until July week of vacation. He will do the prep ahead since he will be off before me. The painting, with help should take me two days. 3 if things need a second coat. The following weekend we will have a rummage sale and sell all the miscellaneous stuff. In August we will get a dumpster and haul out anything that didn’t sell as well as lots of stuff that really just needs a Dumpster. He also made a list of other projects that he will be working on. We put the new power washer together and I’m far too excited about power washing stuff than is normal. My main deck furniture is on the deck and I can work on that this coming weekend.

I need to buy some annuals for the pots, perennials for the new bed and some sort of larger growing bush for the center. I did buy the edging for both beds today. Now that I’m not painting on my long weekend, if it’s nice out there will be much outdoors work happening.

E is coming over later and bringing dinner now that calmer heads are prevailing. I asked if he would be willing to come over this week sometime and help me get my deck furniture out. I want to be able to use my deck now that it’s warmer. He said “could I come later?” I said absolutely.

I woke up early because I went to bed early. Decided today’s the day to start some healing habits. I’d found a brief 12 minute yoga for morning. Yoga with Adriene. I thought it would be a perfect morning routine I can replace my morning scroll with before I shower. So, did that feeling good about it. Go to hop in the shower.. no hot water. Luke warm at best. So I take a quick shower and now the great debate. Call my BIL, who I know is tied up with a local festival today or call my ex husband. A risky decision considering the state of my relationship with E right now. I called my ex. If it’s a project I’ll thank Chris and call in Dave. Yes, my strong independent female bs goes right out the window when there is an issue. I might not even say a word to E about any of it. He’s supposed to be helping his sister with something in PA today. In general I’m honest to a fault, so eventually I’ll say something but not right now. We didn’t really leave things in a stable place as it is.

I took the pressure off myself and I don’t know how he feels. He apologized for a couple of things and said he doesn’t want to lose me. I think he needs to figure out his life and kids stuff too without me making it worse.

June starts a new month. Ya girl putting some boundaries in place. The only mental health issues I’m addressing are mine. My focus is going to be on work life balance, exercise and eating healthy, accomplishing the projects I want to accomplish and enjoying my life.

My lawn crew came today and cleaned out my front flower bed to blank slate, he also cleared two spots and dug holes for my new hydrangeas. I’m going to continue to buy perennials and get them planted. He will then come and do a significant layer of mulch. I’m going to border it with creekstone and it’s going to look delightful.

E is not in a good place and I wasn’t prepared for it and we had a wee implosion. As expected what he said his plan was.. didn’t happen and he really didn’t articulate what his plan was. Ya’ll I got attitudey. Which then due to his current mental health caused him to spiral. Which, in a non compassionate without empathy way I responded “great” to his I need to take a med and chill. In that moment I so wanted to be communicating with someone able to self regulate who doesn’t have their entire day ruined by one slightly aggravating conversation. Which my tone expressed and he felt judged.

He ended up coming over and he really shouldn’t have. He was medicated and because he just could not seem to articulate his plans today I had expectations that were incorrect which sent me again. Then part of the problem was that his daughter leveled a truth bomb they are planning on moving out when E moves out which would have D there alone. E signed the lease expecting IB to be there too. So now we are back to having our plans changing again. So, he then expressed that he’s feeling like I’m going to end up screwing him over if he moves in even though he knows I’m not that person. He leveled a couple of truths at me too. He feels judged when he does take meds(today I was judgy), I ask for information but then get defensive or try to tell him how to fix things when he does share( also true. I’m a fixer) etc. so I certainly acknowledged he’s right about all of those things. That’s for me to work on. There were apologies all around about us making each other feel bad but no solutions.

I expressed that I can’t be his emotional regulator. It’s unfair that I can’t be stressed, sad, mad etc without it being about him every single time. We went round and round about therapy. He’s wholly resistant to doing anything that isn’t going back to Zoloft. Which I can’t be responsible one way or another for whether he’s taking medication. I simply reminded him that it won’t be this miraculous “fix” to our relationship because he was sad, full of anxiety and slept all the fucking time too. I didn’t even want to be in the relationship anymore back then. I can’t fix this. He has to figure it out. If he’s resistant to everything then that’s on him. I love him, I want this to work but I’m not going to not express my feelings just so he can feel better. When truth be told he doesn’t feel better he just pretends he does for the two days he has to see me.

I had my doctor appointment this morning and my blood work is coming back and there are a couple of weird abnormalities that I ended up googling. One though, my D level is really high. I take a supplement so I’m expecting to get a call tomorrow saying skip the supplement. The GLP conversation wasn’t as bad as expected. She clarified I should be exercising and getting protein but acknowledged it sounded like I was doing things the right way. She also recommended a weighted vest for walking. Let me just say the stress I get from looking at labs with no medical degree to decipher makes me sometimes wish all this info was less accessible. My cholesterol numbers were pretty good. So there’s that. My BP was 118/78.

My lawn guy is coming to clean out my front flower bed tomorrow. Thank goodness. Right now my front yard is the one people are looking at thinking what is happening there? I’ve researched and found the border I want for out front. That’s going to be pricey. I need to invest the money now though and just be done. I’ve been throwing money at it every year and it’s never right. I need to invest in it. I love to garden but the amount of labor needed for that project is more than I have in me. I’m removing all but two plants. It’s an over grown mess right now.

E said he’s coming over to work on his vehicle tomorrow. The one thing I’ll never get used to with E is his inability to accomplish anything before noon. So, I’m sure it’ll be afternoon. Recently I made a snotty comment to him that painting is an all day production and not something you start at mid day. Like I need to be at it before 9am. I realize my inability to rest and recoup is a toxic trauma response trait. With that being said, at some point in adulthood, if you want something done you have to actually do it. So yes, I over do and suck the joy out of my own life. He under does. Somewhere in there has to be a happy middle ground.

D got a job. Real job with a construction company. Praise the gods old and new. That was a nice birthday present for E. I’m hoping it alleviates some of the stress spiral.