Lamenting And Wailing

I forgot to mention that the movable bed platform is so nice. Perfect for reading and phone scrolling in bed. Tomorrow the rest of it comes and I’m ready for it.

E has officially moved all of his books in and his book case. We set it up in the office. Slowly but surely his stuff trickles over here. There’s actually quite a lot of his miscellaneous stuff here. He dropped that stuff off, tended to whatever it is growing out of my back(I named it Gertrude) and said he was going home to clean a little. He mentioned coming over tomorrow to help me organize the book case. I’m not expecting to see him. His week off with me is over now lol. It’s going to be a crappy rainy day tomorrow. If here by myself, I’m going to start planning out my cookbook journals. I decided I need to plan ahead. Make categories and lists so I know what I want the set up to look like vs just Willy Nilly working on it. Put a movie on the TV. If he does come over I’m making him flip flop the TV and the bookcase. I’d rather move the bookcase while it’s half empty.

I’m not feeling cooking bacon tonight. I guess I’ll save the BLT for tomorrow. Last bit of leftovers tonight. I already cleaned out the fridge and dumped stuff. I want to do a frugal grocery shopping this week. Back into my routine. Back to focusing on healthy eating. Not that i haven’t generally been eating well… but. The only good thing about Summer coming to a close is…. Soup season.

I leave you with some of the pics this week

Heather and I went up in the lake to a local farm store and bought some fresh veg, local cheese and some local bacon. BLTs for dinner tonight.

It sounds like E intends to be home tonight. I’m ok with it. He said that he needs to do some cleaning. I’m going to enjoy the sunshine, the mild breeze and my deck. Currently eating some nibbles for lunch. Watermelon, baby carrots and hummus and some local cheese. I have a book at the ready, tarot nearby and a cookbook to go through to pick out recipes I want to keep and add to my recipe junk journal. It’s nice to not feel guilty for doing what I want because I don’t want to sit in front of the TV. I realize that dynamic will change a little when he moved in simply because when you live together there’s less pressure to always be together. Sometimes I try to remember how Chris and I navigated every day life. I think he just always had a million things he wanted to do. Plus I was much more social too back then. Out shopping, hanging with friends. The pandemic changed me that way.im far more a homebody now. Often weekends we had Mallory and our life was entertaining her. It’s just so different.

I told Heather today that E is the most high maintenance person I’ve ever known. The sleep schedule, the way he sleeps where he doesn’t use a top sheet and needs his own blanket ( he destroys the bed every night and I have to remake it), the ever present anxiety and how it cripples and directs his every action, the way he eats with never eating leftovers (there’s so much food in my fridge from this week that’s going to get tossed), how he grocery shops like he’s poor but door dashes like he’s rich. The 24/7 noise to quell the chatter in his head. The inability to manage the responsibility of life I guess. It’s like no one ever taught him how to be an adult. None of what he does is “wrong” It’s just totally foreign to me. Tbh I think this is why none of his relationships in the past have worked. He was dealing with people who just didn’t have the patience to navigate it. He’s making progress every day with changes to live a fuller life. I’m actually very proud of him. Especially since I know the efforts he makes are for me.

Today E said that next week is his fun and relaxing week of vacation because this week was his work week. It’s so funny to me because I feel like this is the laziest week off I’ve had in years. So much so that I’m antsy today to do something productive. The only thing we did this week was spend a couple of hours tossing stuff in the dumpster. We probably spent 3 hours on Monday with that. He then spent another hour on his truck. So 4 hours of labor and two hours furniture shopping. I sometimes spend more time “working” on a random Saturday. I really don’t get it. lol

My bed will be here soon. The delivery is coming in two trips. Bed and frame today and headboard etc on Sunday. Which is dumb. I probably should have just done it all Sunday but I wasn’t thinking.

E went home for the night. He plays this narrative in his head that he’s bothering me. I reiterated that it’s in his anxious mind and not reality. He could stay here 24/7 and I’m fine with it. That just because I sit outside or go lay in bed doesn’t mean I’m not wanting him around. I’m just sticking to my routines and wants while letting him do his. I don’t mind him gaming. It frees me up to read or play on my phone. It’s like talking to myself when I tell him this stuff. My actions are consistent with my words too. The negative narrative in his head is loud.

Once the bed is delivered I’m going to do some chores. I need to wash out the inside garbage container. It’s gross. I want to spray paint a vent for the bedroom. I’m going to repot the lemons and dill and plant the ginger. I’ve been sitting still too long. I’ll probably straighten up inside some too.

One thing I’m learning is to not apologize for doing other things when E is planted in front of the TV. He slept in a bit today. He’s been drinking caffeine way too late in the day and then can’t sleep. I was up early, showered and washed my hair. I grabbed my multiple decks, a jug of water and came outside. It’s basically where I’ve been all day. He’s welcome to watch hours of tv on our lazy week. It’s beautiful and sunny. I’m not sitting in front of the TV. He indicated he planned to go home tomorrow and come back Saturday. I’m fine with that too. Im guessing he’s decided in his brain I don’t want him around anymore because I’m outside. Not true. When he’s living here we will need space in our together. I’ve done my own thing each night and let him game with his buddies. Read and played on my phone. I’ve actually enjoyed the week. We’ve been affectionate and close. Lots of affection and intimacy. Totally in love with him.

I did say you’re coming to the furniture store with me. I wish someone could explain to me why one adult male is so resistant to buying a bed? He’s like I get it you’re buying a new mattress this week no matter what. I said why would we wait? Ya’ll he’s been bitching about this bed for like a year. The mattress is 20 years old. Why would we wait? The whole point was to get it after the painting is done. I dunno if he feels guilty about not contributing? You can’t split a bed. If we break up in 5 years, someone is buying a bed. I need a new bed. Im actually trying to be inclusive having him weigh in on it. Then he’s like well I don’t want to go on a weekend. Dude. It’s a furniture store. How busy do you think it’s going to be? It’s not Walmart. There’s the possibility that no one will be there but us. I’m never ever buying a mattress on Amazon. He’s such a good human to me. I love him but sometimes his quirks are over the top. Like why are the simplest things so difficult? I’m going to pin him down on why he’s so resistant when he gets back. He went home to grab something. Also, I have the money earmarked for this bed. It’s been part of the plan for months.

E is triggered by something today. He seems full of anxiety that I’m upset with him or annoyed by him. I’m just as content today as I have been since he arrived Saturday. I think I’ve reassured him 15 times that I love him. I’m not bored, I’m perfectly happy and that it’s ok if he wants to chill. I chose a book on the deck because I am also content to chill but I’d rather be outside. Tbh I think he’s bored but it’s too warm to work on his truck.

I’ve been thinking about things that used to, I dunno … make me feel like I’d be judged in this space… that I don’t care as much about anymore. Maybe part of the midlife experience of being unapologetically me? One is the AI thing. Obviously I absolutely do understand the concerns around data centers and the environment. Tbh I live in a place where wind farms are a thing and I think those are also terrible for the environment and the areas we live. Pretty much anything that is considered progress nowadays is bad. I also get frustrated with trying to figure out what is and isn’t AI. I do think there should be laws that force a tag saying this is AI. With that being said I’m not ostracizing small businesses that use AI to make ads for social media. I work with small businesses day in and out and it’s hard to be a small business right now. If AI allows them to advertise which might mean 5 new customers, I’m all for it. I appreciate the nonsense AI lets me do sometimes. The just fun stuff. If that makes me a demon. So be it. Obviously, my political views are so moderate that they don’t jive in places where performative ethics tend to be the loudest voices. Far less on this site than most others. Tbh, I tend to find the loudest voices who think they’re being ethically and morally superior the most obnoxious. If that makes me someone who isn’t moral then so be it. I’m always going to love Harry Potter. Period end of story. I have mixed feelings about his creator. It won’t stop me from spending money on HP. I shop at Walmart, Amazon, Target and every retailer I see people saying to boycott. Mostly because I live in podunk and a girl needs deodorant and toothpaste. I’m also relatively lazy and it’s easier to shop on Amazon. Which is really why it’s popular with the masses. I tend to see both sides of the arguments on so many subjects and popular pain points. I also often find Gen Z tedious. Just and my Silent Gen parents found my Gen X tedious. My mom used to say “Gen X.. you all don’t care about anything” I cared about all sorts of things but they definitely were not the things my mother cared about. I will not apologize for using a GLP1. You lost weight naturally? Good for you. I’m 53 years old and i feel better now than I have in 10years and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. I also think people who consistently comment about weight or weight loss on peoples pics and videos are awful. A bunch of people got some chick fired basically from her gym instructor job because she was very thin. ED? Probably but who the fuck are we to insert ourselves into someone else’s life, work and mental health? Then pat ourselves on the back like good was done. It wasn’t. Which is the problem with all social media really. I’m sure there’s a multitude of other things but these are a few I think about here sometimes. I really think the notion that everyone can’t be expected to care about everything is a real true fact.

I’ve been trying to read Nightingale by Kristen Hannah and I like it but it’s too heavy for a Summer read. I’ll come back to it.

I wanted to be up early because I’d hate to be caught in my skivvies when the dumpster delivery showed up. Of course, today was one day I’d have loved to sleep in. I was tired and headachy with a wee sore throat. I got up and dressed though. The Dumpster showed up around ten. E and D went clothes shopping and I went through the basement storage. I was able to haul out several items along with empty boxes and miscellaneous stuff I keep just in case I want to craft. Friends, I have the skills, I don’t have the time or desire anymore. E and I were able to get the garage and the basement cleaned out. It’s kinda of addictive to heave things out. I told E I might poke around in the craft room tomorrow and make sure there’s nothing else I want to get rid of. I ended up taking my old mountain bike, that I’ve had since the early married days, and put it roadside. That along with some beat up deck gravity chairs were gone within two hours. I also got rid of old luggage, the light and a HP light up wand someone bought me. Cute but what am I doing with a light up wand? It feels good to have that accomplished.

E has changed so much. I’m so proud of him. People are capable of changing when they want to grow with you. We are having a really good week so far. His mood is positive, he looks better and has way more energy. He’s lost weight and is making way better choices. He gave up soda and is drinking tea. He’s really quit drinking alcohol completely. His attitude is just much better in general. We’ve talked through some plans and some money stuff. He mentioned that he’s ready to move in this next Spring.

E made me laugh today. I made a crockpot Beef Au Jus to make sammiches. He’s never had Au Jus. Later he mentioned that it was a new favorite. He said “I really like the Jewish Beef, babe” I cracked up. I said I think au jus is French.

I asked him to grab a couple of pieces of treated wood from my old mailbox that were next to the shed. It’s kind of overgrown there (because the lawn kid does the bare minimum) and I don’t want to stick my hand down there. Glad I didn’t because there was a big snake back there. He said it looked like a rattlesnake but it didn’t rattle and didn’t seem to have one. So, who knows. I’ll be nervous anytime I’m getting in the shed now.