Lamenting And Wailing

E was here for awhile this evening and we made our plans for the weekend. He heard the message that he should make the best timeline for the kids. That it’s not going to impact us other than allowing us breathing room to do this the right way. He and I are on the same page but I’m still not sure what he’s going to do. Some sleep hasn’t seemed to change his perspective on the kids lack of participation in taking care of things. He wants to wait through the weekend and see what the kids do about chores and bills. I feel like I’m not influencing any of his decisions regarding this. I asked him if he thought the kids were upset about all of this. Like are they mad that he’s choosing to be here instead of there. He said he thinks any upset that they have is about being asked to contribute there. He did say D wished he was just able to come here. Which the only place he could stay is the current cold dark dirty not renovated basement and it’s just not an option we’d let him suffer through. This isn’t about me. It’s about him and his kids and his expectations for his kids. E expressed he really doesn’t understand why the kids aren’t happier that they could have a house that someone else was helping pay part of the bills for. He’d have jumped at that at 22.

E did 18 hours today. On his day 7 he’s exhausted and cranky. He called me on his drive in and bitched about his children for a solid 20 minutes. The other 10 he bitched about traffic. I just listen because he’s tired. Plus his continued bitch about his eldest is a valid bitch. He’s slacked off again on chores around the house. He even bitched about his daughter today because she gave him attitude about helping with bills. He only tells me this stuff in detail once he’s good and mad. Which is fine. They’re his kids. She pointed out that dad promised he would pay for cell phone and keep a roof over her head until she was done with school. All true. Except she’s now failed the same class twice. She should have been done with school already. Now the college is looking for payment on a class because her loan isn’t going to continue to pay for her to fail a class. She didn’t contemplate that aspect of it. It’s an English class or something similar too. Not something crazy technical to her degree. He’s unsympathetic to her dilemma. I think we both realize that we can’t trust these kids to take care of this house on their own. D especially has to be nagged and E is not interested in nagging his adult child to do the bare minimum. So he rants he’s just booting them to live with their mother and he’s going to break the lease. I’m finally learning though. He’s exhausted and cranky and that’s not actually what he’s likely to do. What’s more likely is another blow up at his son with a threat that he can go live with his mother. Trust when I say none of these kids are going to live with their mother. They didn’t want to live with her when they were 12 and they still don’t. D does have a couple of options with a couple friends which I think is what he should do. Some place that requires him to pay the bill and not destroy the place but nothing else. IB.. that’s harder. She says she’s got options but this attitude that she’s not going to contribute in any way she doesn’t want to makes me think she’s counting on her dad to give in. I also have a hard time believing the bfs dad (who makes him pay rent) wouldn’t want her to contribute there is she moved in there. I’m keeping my overall opinion to myself because this is for him to solution for and decide what he wants to do. He’s made it clear his intent is to move in once he figures things out. If he asks for my perspective then I’ll share it. Tbh, I think D’s general gross boy behavior is sending E too. Things like sheet washing happening at a pace normal adults would be appalled by and leaving lights and AC on when no one’s home.

The rest of the week should be low key. Once I have my vehicle back tomorrow I’m going to get my nails done and then run some errands. My mantra is no more plants. Walmart is on my list so it depends on what their garden center has going on. I recommended a fun looking brewery to E for Saturday. Maybe lunch. We shall see if that materializes. Going to try to change the cadence of some of my chores like laundry to see if it helps my weekend bog down.

Last night I was lamenting my own toxic traits around productivity and how I think we desperately need some fun. It’s like he reads my mind. Today E pointed out that I’m on this never ending grind. He’s like I can’t even remember the last time we had fun. He’s right. I’m 110% the driver in this. I agree with him. Our life couldn’t be less fun. The thing is, I have 2 days off a week. In those two days I need to make sure the chores are done, laundry is done, groceries are taken care of, projects are done and I spend one day in two weeks with him. He gets 7 days off every other week. Which of that 7 days he might use 2 to accomplish his stuff. He spends one night here with me usually but He’s absolutely not here doing things other than that 24 hour period. I’m frustrated that life is not fun too. I’d already decided that this weekend needs to be a fun weekend. (I have a 5 day weekend next weekend I can use to get things done) By myself. All things that are not priorities of his anyways. I think maybe he doesn’t understand how much actually goes into home ownership. I want my home to look nice. I don’t think he understands how much time and effort i actually put in to making this place look nice. At some point we have to stop talking about doing things and actually do things. It wasn’t an argument, It wasn’t a bad conversation, he is absolutely right in that we could use some downtime. This is just me thinking about it later.

E moved all my shit in the garage to make room for his shit and I can’t find the shit I’m looking for.

The amount of time and energy people spend on stupid shit regarding the president. Like who the fuck cares he went to a Knicks game? Every president goes to large sporting events and inconveniences the masses. Even presidents every one liked. Why is this the news that’s clogging my feeds? I hate to give everyone the bad news but all the presidents waste tax payers money on stupid shit. Even the good ones.

My new counterpart is having a hard time organizing their schedule and stuff they say they will do is not happening in the time frame it needs to happen.

It’s too nice to be stuck inside on a beautiful day.

NY politics. The things legislators are wasting time on instead of the real issues NY needs addressing. I’m sick of both parties but i really hate the current NY administration.

I took a bit longer of a walk today than normal. Probably ten minutes farther. I enjoy the midday walk because there’s less traffic and people in the neighborhood are at work. No awkward chit chatting with people I don’t want to chat with.

I’m in a work slump. I don’t want to. I have no motivation when I’m there and I’m looking for more days to take off. i guess it’s the burnout. I’m taking advantage of the can take time off anyways. Grateful for the large PTO bank.

I really need a fun easy weekend with E. I’m the most guilty of this but sometimes think most of our conversations are trying to solution for, or plan for. We don’t just have fun. I need to have a little less toxic productivity and a little more just enjoying life. He’s bummed because he really wants to do some hiking exploring this Summer and now the foot hurts. I feel like we are never going to have time to adventure anyways because all the things need doing. His job schedule really is not conducive to life. That weekend work. Normal people are enjoying their weekends. I imagine I’ll appreciate weekends to myself when he’s here 24/7.

I feel like I can breathe again. This coming weekend I can focus on having a good weekend with E.

Yesterday I bought some pickle de gaio and I think I’m making some tuna salad for dinner and adding that.

5 tarot cards are missing from my favorite deck. I realized Strength Arcana was missing when I was up at my brother’s. I know it was there in the last few weeks because I did a reading that included it. I have looked all over. Checked the sides of the chair, moved furniture. I decided to count the deck and discovered it was more. I went through all my other decks to make sure they didn’t get put in the wrong pouch. Just gone. I already ordered a replacement deck. I can only assume I had the cards in my hand and put them somewhere. If they turn up, I’ll gift the replacement to my brother. Weird shit going on in this house.

I’m annoyed by all the media attention Mayim Bailik is getting for her “nightmare” experience with a GLP1. Now i realize that not everyone is using a proper physician to obtain these meds so not everyone has the experience that I have. With that being said, she had severe dehydration and it made her shit. There are so scary potential side affects with these meds. Things like gastroparesis. Severe dehydration is not. If you follow the recommended guidelines for the drugs, if you do the things they tell you to do, severe dehydration would not happen. The literal number one thing I heard from my medical team, I see online on places like Insta and TikTok is drink water and take electrolytes. Then I read further and find out her diet was not what’s recommended either. Of course she had a “nightmare” experience. Like I don’t want to hear about your self inflicted side effects. I had a friend have a similar issue and she was like it was all my fault. I didn’t do anything that I was supposed to be doing. I’m on a dose now that I can’t fuck around with. If I do not hydrate enough I immediately feel crappy. If I eat fatty foods or too much sugar I get nauseous. If I eat too large a portion in one sitting it sends me to the bathroom. It’s no joke. It’s a serious medicine. Quite frankly i didn’t feel well over night last night. I ate not the best yesterday and I paid for it. I didn’t eat enough fiber and I was constipated. I just think there’s enough scary stuff actually happening without some celebrity sensationalizing an experience that was likely partially her own fault. These drugs aren’t for everyone and they’re getting a bad rap for overuse by people who don’t need them already. For some people, they’re life changing and life saving. It just reinforces the bs narrative I always see on line by judgy people who don’t have metabolic of hormones issues who say “just eat well and go to the gym.” I’ll say it again, this drug has been life changing for me. End rant.

I need to go finish my chores that never happened last night. This productive weekend will ensure that my week is good and then I can feel better about spending all my time outside for the next few weeks.

I accomplished several things on the checklist. My great room area is now devoid of the piles of stuff, vacuumed, dusted and feeling good. The kitchen has been scrubbed but i still need to do the floor. E stopped by so i took a break. Let’s see if i get motivated again. Bathroom still needs doing but unless i get motivated again, that might be a tomorrow thing. I know getting it all done will make me feel so much better. Just having the living room done has helped immensely.

I have my hair up in a low pony, wearing a halter top with no bra and jean shorts. E looked at me and said you’ve lost a lot of weight. I can really see it. That felt better than it should’ve lol.

I had a lovely time with my sibling last night. He lectured me on my money security anxiety and how it keeps me from achieving the things I want/need to do. We also talked about various ways I might pay for my home project this fall instead of taking out a loan. He gave me some things to think about.

I did tell E we really need to check a few things off the list next weekend. He agreed. Let’s hope we actually can.

I hit the new garden center and they were very nice. You can tell it’s new because things were a wee bit disorganized. Pretty sure I got a variegated leaf evergreen bush for way less than it should have been but on the flip, I paid too much for perennials there. They were nice and a good variety. No place had reasonably priced annuals. No place except Lowe’s had a good variety of annuals either. So I paid too much for both annuals and perennials at Lowe’s. That’s ok. This project was a labor of love. As E says, “it’s only money, we’ll make more.” I grabbed a couple of tomato plants and a basil plant too. Then I stopped at my favorite bakery and picked up some treats to take for dessert.

This week has been pretty good. I feel a bit as if a pressure valve has been released. Work is much more manageable. I feel more in control and all the controversy has been resolved. The new peer has dove in and is getting the hang of it. I had a good meeting with both the leaders I report to. They’re very supportive of the work boundaries I’m putting in place for myself. It feels better.

I did decide to take the half day tomorrow. I have a meeting in the morning I don’t want to miss and then I’m outta there. My plan is to go garden center hopping. There’s a new place I want to check out. Then the regular haunts. I need annuals for all my pots, several perennials for the new flower beds and maybe a couple of tomato plants. I’m also on the lookout for a garden bench I can put in the front flower bed. After, im having dinner with my brother and his wife. The weekend is get shit done! Bathroom cleaning, kitchen cleaning and great room cleaning. Hoping to go through some stuff as well. Sorted for garage sale, FB marketplace sale or dumpster.

E and I are seemingly fine now. Taking the pressure off helped. I think me more than him tbh. He was over Tuesday and did a repair to the beater vehicle. Hes sorting through stuff at home and boxing it up. We have no move date and I’m not pushing to set one. I think letting D get settled into the new role and see how much money he’s actually making and bringing home over the Summer will give us a better idea. I held a boundary for myself with E today on the phone. He’s like maybe we should have my mom over for a cookout next weekend. Nope. That turns into a big stressful production. My house is a disaster, my deck isn’t put together and at the moment the grill is buried in the garage. Hard pass on ruining a weekend. He can go visit her on any day off. We can have a cookout next month when things are more settled. I care very much about the state of my house and would be terribly embarrassed if someone was here right now. I think he has no awareness of how much stress he brings to the table with stuff like that. He Ramps up anxiety and it’s just a lot. Then the kitchen is a disaster I have to clean up because he cooked etc.