Starry-eyed and Probably high

person: you should take some tylenol

of the asphalt

Or why my blood smells of chemicals

And powder falls from my veins

when they bleed

Their traces forever imprinted into my body with the ressin from my flower left in my lungs

The ashes only accumulate

for I must remain intoxicated

Because I have not felt the same since they clicked cuffs around my wrists

Do not think twice if I am not a slumber

in the night

My dilated pupils may answer to your curiosity

You will find my consciousness

is gone for a wonder

1. We are not stupid, we’re well aware of the damage. We know that what we are doing is killing us. We know that we are hurting people. We are aware of how society sees us. We know.

2. ADDICTION IS NOT ENJOYABLE. We are not “partying” or having a good time. The party ended a long time ago. We’re fucking miserable. Many of these drugs were never party drugs to begin with. It might seem fun and exciting the first week or month, but it quickly becomes a chore.

3. We don’t keep using just because we want to get high all the time. We use to not get sick and just to function normally in our daily lives. After awhile, we’re not thinking “how am I going to get high today?” We’re thinking “how will I be able to get to work today?” And then the reason we relapse is because we can’t remember surviving without it.

4. We have massive amounts of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. We don’t need to be called “pieces of shit” and “scum junkies” because we already feel that way about ourselves every day!! The disease tells us not to care when we lie to and steal from friends and family. The disease makes us selfish. But we are human and we feel terrible about it. We aren’t psychopaths and are more than capable of feeling remorse. The more selfish acts we engage in, the worse we feel about ourselves. But we compulsively keep dragging ourselves through dirt.

5. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. It is no one’s fault and you did not fail as a sister/brother/mother/father/aunt/grandpa/best friend. When we lie to or steal from you or choose drugs over you, it is nothing personal. It does not mean we don’t still love you. When the disease takes over, it doesn’t necessarily want to hurt you. It just assigns everyone the same value so they are neutral/irrelevant. Someone in active addiction is stuck in a completely internal thought process that completely blocks out the existence of other people.

6. The drug is stronger than love and values like family and friendship and that’s why we’ve chosen it over you. That is the unfortunate truth. That’s why we find a higher power in recovery, because no human power or emotion can fight off the drug on its own.

Relapsing is part of recovery and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but remember how fucking shit the junk life is. There’s a trade off with addiction, and you definitely get something in exchange. But every time ya take a couple inches, H takes a mile. And the most fucked up part is that you don’t even notice because you’re nodding the fuck out.