(one day im gonna lose the war)

Oh, how I wish I could still get my hands on THIS💔

Relapsing is part of recovery and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but remember how fucking shit the junk life is. There’s a trade off with addiction, and you definitely get something in exchange. But every time ya take a couple inches, H takes a mile. And the most fucked up part is that you don’t even notice because you’re nodding the fuck out.

you made all the pain, all the sadness disappear when i felt you course through my veins. the world faded black while you pumped your poison through my heart and head. nobody turns to you unless they’re already sick inside. you filled my head with empty promises. a safety blanket held over a bed of fire, waiting to consume me.

you were just an affair at first. we could leave this world behind for a few days, come back down, resume our daily lives. but you crept up on me, like a cancer taking host of my vital organs, you clung to me. you were my best friend, the most comforting vice i’d ever drowned myself in. you held me face down in the water, stole all the life from my barely breathing body.

you became the abusive relationship i was desperately trying to escape. you shamed me, humiliated me, broke me down. you made me feel calm, loved, warm. you warned me you were the devil, but in my eyes you were like god. as soon as the blood registered in the needle you said “it’s okay, you’re safe now” as you flooded my body with toxic lies, sealed with a kiss.

you haunted me as soon as you left, sent your sickness through my body. you told me i needed you. you gave me a fundamental need for you. you made me so fearful of an existence without you. i would do anything to keep you close to me.

and you hurt me so bad. you turned me against everyone i loved. you told me i had to lie, i had to cheat, i had to steal to keep you close to me. you threatened to leave every time i disobeyed your filthy demands. and the loyal, sick puppy that i was, with stars in my pinpoint eyes, fed your every desire.

you left me crying in the bathtub, to ashamed with myself to look in the mirror, too dirty to get clean. you stole my purity, you robbed me of my innocence. you commenced your civil war of sickness in my mind. i needed you, but i wanted desperately to let you go. you had your knife to my throat. you held my life, crumbling, slipping through the cracks in your greedy hands.

you lied to me. you promised me freedom in the form of a spike to my vein. but you shackled me, you left me hungry. you put a cold in my bones that nothing could shake. you became uninterested in me. the freedom, the bliss you promise faded. i was dependant on you. we weren’t even having fun anymore, we were just getting by.

but i didn’t want to be alone. in a world without you. i still miss you, i miss you every day. you’ve done a damn good job of convincing me that we only had good times together. you filtered out all the pain. and i know, i know it’s just a chemical thing. wires and receptors. i know i’m going to long for you for the rest of my life. you exposed me to a world, a language i was never suppose to read.