Aster_Fae

SLEEPING BEAUTY (1485).

POCAHONTAS (17TH CENTURY POWAHTAN). 

CINDERELLA (MID 1860’S)

JASMINE (PRE-ISLAMIC MIDDLE EAST)

SNOW WHITE (16TH CENTURY GERMANY).

ARIEL (1890’S)

BELLE (1770’S FRENCH COURT FASHION).

CLARIE HUMMEL

Megara (Ancient Greece)

Mulan (Ancient China)

Tiana (1920’s)

- never take from ‘mom and pop’ type store. Its likely you’ll actually harm them, whereas taking from a walmart wont effect much.

- never take items that a worker is assigned to monitor (usually super expensive items), theyll be in trouble for it. and its usually a minimum wage worker and usually they lose hours or pay, or they even get fired.

- similar to the above, never take things that are usually locked up for the above reason

- if its a store you know gives their near-expiration products to workers/charity, try to avoid taking the near expiration products.

- if youre taking clothing, avoid leaving hangers. it sounds weird, but itll make it seem like it was more likely an error in the computer than a theft, since the empty hanger sitting there will seem suspicious. 

- also for clothing, try not to take more than one item at once, as it will look suspicious if theres 10 medium shirts missing, and it won’t be written off as just a stocking error. and it will lead to workers being penalized

- basically just always consider ‘will this harm a worker’ and if the answer is yes then dont do it

I live in a small town and I knew she was a waitress at a hotel my sister works at, and people at that hotel don’t tip well during off season. Nursing exam books are 50+ bucks. Being a med student myself, I didn’t even breathe a word, and when inventory came up later and the book was missing, I suggested it was likely a mislabel, and the manager wrote it off.

Ok guys I had a TON of fun writing this one. There is a guy on you-tube I watch who raises lions and hyenas and he can go into their enclosures and stuff because they have known him from a young age, and I just thought how funny it would be to make humans the dangerous animals in that same style. I hope you all like it as much as I did. Tell me what you think of the style, its completely new to me, and I don’t know if it’s any good. :)

The feed brightens from black to a grainy white before the picture slowly resolves. The image is of a room tilted at a half angle shaking slightly as someone shifts in the background. You can just see a window in the back far corner. Space glitters in through an inky blackness dotted with a smattering of glittering white, blue and red pinpricks. The camera tilts slowly around, and a face comes into view. It is an inhuman face dark brown in color with large prismatic orange eyes and short antae atop it’s rounded head. It adjusts the picture to the horizontal straightening out the canted view of the room.

“Ok….. it says it’s on.” The creature clears his throat and straightens up, “So for introductions, I am Dr. Krill of the Vrul chief medical officer aboard the human vessel U.S.S Harbinger I have been working with humans for well over a year and a half now. Some say I am the leading expert in the field.” He turns in a circle and heads towards the door, the camera shakes a bit as the room recedes into the background, “I don’t know about that, but I do have the most experience. I have been writing reports on the human’s behavior for some time now, but some comments have been made about my potential biases. Others have pointed out that I am not, in fact a behavioral expert and have asked for video footage on the subject of humans to make their own judgements.” He passes through a door into another hallway flipping the camera around so the viewers can see the long space ahead. Compared to the camera height, the hallway is very tall.

“So I thought it would be prudent at first to introduce you to some of my humans let you know a little about them.” He steps through another doorway, “First of all I am here to dispel a lot of negative rumors that have been going around about humans lately, and let you all see the truth of humans, the good side of them. First off, I am going to be addressing the idea that ‘humans are the most animalistic sentient species in the galaxy’ I personally think this is a dumb statement, first off it makes no sense, and second off it can be intermitted many ways. Yes, humans are more in touch with their animal instincts than a lot of us, they have lots of primitive nonverbal communication, a strict social hierarchy led by unwritten social rules, and they do tend to act on their instincts a little more than we do. However humans are also remarkably smart, and very easy to bond with.”

He passes up a set of metal stairs clattering and clanging while the camera bobs back and forth “Humans are a very pack-oriented creature, and this instinct has allowed them to bond with many other species. I would estimate that my acceptance aboard the ship took about a week to set in and a little under a month to fully form. At that point the humans will accept you as one of their own and place you within the social hierarchy. Human hierarchy tends to have a very pyramid like structure with an alpha human at the top followed by their Betas and then going on down the latter. I would place myself somewhere in the Betas of this human pack.” He turns a corner and stops before a door, “I am about to introduce you to one of my favorite humans, he is the leader of the pack but actually one of the most affable of the humans. It is important to note that each human has a fascinatingly distinct personalities, very colorful characters. This humans name is Vir, and I would characterize him as very social, surprisingly juvenile, but aggressively loyal and laid back for, so here let’s just go in and say hi.”

He turns the camera back towards the door, which clatters lightly before swinging open. It takes a moment for the camera to adjust to the darkness, but when it does you can see the silhouette of a large figure cured atop a strange platform- like object. “Humans use up a lot of energy during the day, and when they nest at night they have to find somewhere dark and soft to do it. Now, imposing on a human’s sleep is not recommended, so we have to feel things out to make sure he’s going to be ok seeing us. I may be part of their pack but every day I have to remain wary and am very careful with how I approach humans.”

A while back, some enterprising gardener who works in my office grew too many potatoes for their own comfort, so they made up a bunch of 2-pound bags of potatoes and left them in the kitchen with a Free Potatoes sign. I took a bag, and then when nobody took the last bag a few days later I took that one too, and they’ve been awaiting a Cooking Day in my fridge ever since. That day is upon us, but more on that later. 

I had a real “Tumblr Presents: humans are space orcs” moment this morning when I took the potatoes out of the fridge in anticipation of Cooking Day and thought to myself, “Look at all the caloric energy someone has gifted me with.” Which led to thinking about how gardeners expend all this energy on growing food and then just….give it away because a) they can’t eat it all themselves or b) they’re SO TIRED OF ZUCCHINI or c) everyone should partake of the bounty of their green thumb. 

Which made me think about some human on a mixed-species ship growing hydroponic zucchini with a portion of their water/energy allotment, and when the zucchini over-produces they try to give it away to the other humans, and finally when no other human will accept any more zucchini they take to leaving it secretly in the bunks and lockers of their alien shipmates, who are fucking bewildered by how these strange human fruits keep appearing in their living spaces. 

Two of them died, overshadowed by their monstrous sibling, who decided that six feet by six feet was an appropriate size for a zucchini plant.

And then, the weather got hot, and Monstrous Zucchini Plant decided “welp, time to make ALL THE ZUCCHINI FOREVER.”

It grew so quickly there was no way we could eat it all. We had zucchini with breakfast, zucchini at lunch, baked and roasted and fried zucchini every day for dinner. For three months, we were on a zucchini-based diet. It was terrible. I was planning on going to a Highland Games five states away that summer, and in preparation, I decided I was going to end the zucchini curse and make as much zucchini bread as I possibly could carry with me before we left.

I grated zucchini for three days, and then baked bread for four. I made five dozen loaves of zucchini bread, and we still had Too Many Zucchini. We missed one, and it grew massive and terrifying - two feet long, ten inches across. It was the Zucchini Child, because it was approximately the size of a small toddler. As I baked, my mother made zucchini pickles, hoping beyond hope that we could Get Ahead of the zucchini plant. We tried, and failed. Our neighbors weren’t accepting any more zucchini. I smelled it in my sleep.

Finally, we made the road trip to the Highland Games. We were camping, and we had an ice chest full of zucchini bread, and I set up a folding table in the middle of the camp and stuck a sign on it that said “will trade zucchini bread for LITERALY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T ZUCCHINI.” My zucchini bread became the de facto currency of the campground. I traded for rabbit stew, homebrewed booze, a very nice wool cloak, VIP tickets for the Scotch tasting, extra blankets, a coffee thermos, you name it. One of the musicians paid for three more loaves of zucchini bread by putting on an impromptu acoustic set in the woods on the second night. I saw my zucchini bread traded all around the camp - people were using it to get better showers, access to hotel rooms when the weather turned cold, umbrellas, leather bracers, corsets, whiskey - it was insane. We eventually ran out of zucchini bread, and I was pleased. We had gotten rid of the last of the zucchini children, and were free of it. I was sorely mistaken.