Safely Going

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Starfleet safety tips

Hello everyone, long time no see. Today is going to be a bit off-script, in that I will not be referencing the Operational Safety and Health Command's regulation manual. This is because I will be covering something that is not the strict province of the OSHC, but is instead something that is among my personal interests, information that is the result of several lifetimes' worth of experience: Klingon weapons, and how to approach them, both as an attacker and as a defender. Pay attention, cadet, this could save your life, or at least make sure there's enough of you left to bury. Keep in mind that this special edition of Starfleet Safety Tips assumes a base-level familiarity with Starfleet combat procedure and a passing familiarity with hand to hand armed combat.

We will begin first with their primary ranged weapon, the disruptor:

Now, the Klingon disruptor bears little practical deviation from disruptors used by other fighting forces in the Alpha and Beta quadrants: Thoron-based projected energy weapons capable of vaporizing humanoid targets in one shot, and existing in both pistol and rifle form-factors, with the primary difference being that rifles take up extra weight and space in exchange for being easier to aim and being able to fire more shots before recharging. Klingon disruptors specifically produce an identifiable hadron-ion discharge residue, but that's something to worry about after a firefight, not during.

While there are personal force field solutions capable of absorbing both phaser and disruptor fire, they are complicated, energy intensive, and prone to failure with repeated use, and so are much less reliable than the tried and true outer layers of the old "survivability onion." Your best bet against a disruptor is to avoid engagement, and if that's impossible, you should minimize the target you present and find solid cover. Beware: There's no such thing as a "grazing shot" with a weapon that can blow your arm clean off.

Next: The Bat'leth:

The ol' faithful, the Sword of Honor, the blade that Kahless the Unforgettable used to put the hurt on the Hur'q, the supposed blade that slayed the Klingon Gods whilst humans were still dealing with the Bubonic Plague. While there are countless variations on the Bat'leth, with their own quirks, upsides and downsides, the one you're likely to be most familiar with is also the one you're most likely to tangle with. While I'm a big fan of bringing phasers to swordfights because I'm not a dumb idiot who likes dying, I will offer some points to keep in mind for if you have to engage hand to hand.

Those points on the end are not for show. Those were meant to pierce the exoskeletons of the Hur'q, and remain quite effective at piercing lighter armor, especially since a lot of modern armor is anti-ballistic or anti-particle rather than anti-blade. Don't let them stab you, stupid.

While it may seem impractical (and it honestly is a bit), don't underestimate a motivated Klingon carrying one of these. The Bat'leth is a weapon of discipline, and Klingon who use them are themselves worthy of caution regardless of the weapon they carry.

Those double prongs are very effective for binding an opponent's weapon. If you're using a Bat'leth against a stronger opponent, take advantage of it! Bind with one end, then switch up to stab with the other. You're losing some power that way, but a shallow stab your opponent can't defend is better than a deep one they can.

The grip you start a fight with isn't the grip you'll use the whole fight. One of the virtues of the Bat'leth is its peculiar grip. You can wield it one-handed on one of the lateral grips for more reach, two-handed on a single lateral grip or lateral and central grips for better leverage, or you can hold it on both lateral grips if you need to shove an opponent. Bat'leth masters are known to flow between all three grips smoothly.

Bigger isn't always better. Go ahead, say the penis jokes you're thinking of so we can move on. I can handle a Bat'leth as tall as I am because I've been fighting with them for an aggregate of a hundred fifty years. You should stick to one that's about the same length as the distance from the top of your head to knee-height, about 75% of your height in total. Too small, you have no reach. Too big and you lose control. Either way, death.

The Mek'leth is our next subject.

Often confused by the ignorant for the smaller, slightly more conventional Klingon dagger known as a d'k tahg, the mek'leth, whose name's etymology is disputed and unimportant for this discussion. There's a lot of "lore" for these weapons that it agonizes me to leave by the wayside but there are only so many hours in a day.

The most striking characteristic of this weapon is its guard. In true Klingon style, the defense is offense, and the mek'leth is often called a two-pronged weapon (not entirely wrong, but not entirely right). In a close-quarters fight, be wary because a faceful of that guard is just as dangerous as a faceful of the main blade.

Mek'leths are primarily slashing weapons, or more accurately hacking weapons. Note the relatively blunt, wide tip, which moves the weight of the blade forward, effectively making it less a pure sword and more like the offspring of a sword and an axe. It can still slash, cutting deep on a drawn cut like other curved blades, so beware, but you're mostly going to deal with quick chops.

The mek'leth is less impressive than the bat'leth, but it's also far more economic, both in terms of material and in terms of energy. It's lighter, it's faster, and it's far more agile, easier to hide, and much easier to wield.

Remember when I said that calling it a two-prong weapon was a little wrong? That "pommel" is a third prong. Don't get struck with the pommel, you're effectively just getting stabbed.

That handle fucking sucks to hold. You use that thing long enough, it's gonna fuck up your hand, especially as the leather wrap wears out. If you're a Klingon weeb like me and get a mek'leth, replace the handle with something more ergonomic.

Mek'leths have a different philosophy in their wielding. The bat'leth is the sword of honor. It's the sword you use when you face an enemy an equal footing, and prove you are superior. The mek'leth is the blade of reason (according to some etymologies). You use the mek'leth against an opponent that you aren't quite as confident against, or against an opponent for whom you have little respect. Keep an eye on how your enemy holds it. If they're aggressive, they might be overconfident and leave openings. If they're defensive, you might be able to back them into a corner and use their wariness against them.

The final weapon I'll be going over today is, in my opinion, the best of the Klingon's hand to hand weapons in an all-purpose fight. It's got the reach and versatility of a bat'leth, but maintains the much more sensible, no-frills approach of the mek'leth. And if you encounter a Klingon wielding one competently, you are likely to die.

The Kur'leth:

Note the design cues taken from the Mek'leth, especially the bladed pommel and guard. Note also that it is much longer, and has a hole in the blade, which is a functional feature.

The Kur'leth, the so called "uninteresting blade" is, for a Klingon weapon, a no-frills affair. I know, I know, I'm speaking in relative terms here. It lacks that extravagance and legendary status of the bat'leth, and the brutality associated with the mek'leth. What it does have is a nice, long, curved blade and a well-guarded grip. It handles a lot like any other one-handed sword, with its forward curve allowing it to get around some guards and its sharp tip aligned nicely for thrusting despite its curve.

The hole in the blade has two purposes: First, to counteract its shape's tendency to push the weight forward, sacrificing some chopping power in exchange for greater agility and precision. Second: It is intended to be gripped. Much like the bat'leth, you can take advantage of its exotic shape to change up your style on the fly. Need to half-sword? Hand on the handle, hand on the blade grip. Need chopping power? Flip it around, use that guard like an axe head.

This next bit is also a bit more "philosophy of Klingon swordsmanship" so bear with me. Klingons rarely use the kur'leth, and its use is somewhat frowned upon. Some say that Klingons think it's "too easy" to kill with it, which I think would be the height of arrogance even for a Klingon warrior. Personally, I think it just doesn't fit their particular martial ethos. The bat'leth suits the Klingon ideal of honor and discipline. Winning with the bat'leth requires you to have absolute control of yourself. The mek'leth suits the Klingon's lionization of bloodthirst. It's an up-close personal weapon designed to slash, chop and slaughter. The kur'leth is a weapon designed to kill practically, simply, and without much fanfare. The only Klingon I ever knew that favored this weapon was an extremely heterodox one with a long career in Starfleet and a complicated relationship with his own people.

Also that Klingon I mentioned just now concealed a fucking phaser in the handle of his kur'leth so beware that if you look too capable then whoever's wielding the kur'leth might just pop a phaser out of it and do what the humans call "Pulling an Indiana Jones" on you, which is really, really embarrassing. No, I did not personally get got this way, stop asking.