What Beans Are Made Of

shen yuan is an infamous member of bachelor nation, the most well known hater of the show. he becomes the bachelorette because his social media criticisms of the show's concept and casts catch the producer's attention, and they want to do a season themed around "proving" the show works by making its biggest critic fall in love

the host (and lead producer) is shang qinghua, who originated the entire idea and has gone viral for his responses to shen yuan multiple times

contestants include:

luo binghe (mei): famous chef with a tragic backstory about being abandoned then orphaned then sent to something traumatizing like a wilderness therapy camp. in his free time he runs a nonprofit to support "troubled" children. in a surprise reveal we learn he came on the show because shen yuan helped take down the horrible camp by posting an expose about the industry, and then happened to be one of the first critics to write a good review of his restaurant, leading to his extraordinary success in the industry. gets the winner edit

luo bingge: lowkey evil twin to luo binghe despite no actual relation. former bachelor lead who's season was canceled midway through because he tried to propose to all the contestants and he was getting canceled online for misogyny or something. says he's back as a contestant because he wants to prove he's changed for the better. gets the early-season villain edit and goes home relatively quickly because he barges in on a one-on-one date as if he deserves the time and it pisses shen yuan off

liu qingge: on the show because a friend (*cough* liu mingyan *cough*) applied for him and the producers wanted him for eye candy. somehow becomes the fan favorite, but is always losing out to luo binghe just slightly (comes second in physical challenges, is unable to interrupt luo binghe and shen yuan's chats during cocktail parties bc he's embarrassed, "isn't open enough about his feelings" while luo binghe cries at any slight frown from shen yuan, etc etc). gets the "should have won" edit. most viral moment is a big blowout fight with shen qingqiu at the tell all when images leak of shen qingqiu at a strip club or something right before the show started filming. says in interviews that he just wants shen yuan to be happy (but says so with gritted teeth while glaring at luo binghe)

shen qingqiu/jiu: renowned musician who says he wanted to come on the show because he thinks shen yuan's prose (his hate rants) are beautifully done and he wants to get to know him better. does not befriend ANY of the other contestants. shen yuan keeps him around because he enjoys their chats where they just hate on and gossip about people. gets the late season villain edit when it's revealed he played a role in luo binghe's tragic backstory on a two-on-one date (the other contestant being luo binghe of course). shen yuan finds out and dramatically sends him home with a speech that contains more censorship beeps than words

yue qingyuan: probably the president of a university of something. claims he applied to be on the show because he just thought shen yuan was beautiful and wanted to get to know him better. it's revealed that he had a previous situationship with shen qingqiu (a music professor at his university) that ended poorly, and fans speculate he only went on the show to reconcile. reactions are split between those who think it's sweet, those who think it's creepy, and those who are just mad the whole drama was a distraction from shen yuan's experience (shen yuan did not care) (matter of fact, shen qingqiu didn't care either and ignored yue qingyuan the entire season). fan sleuths eventually reveal the whole sordid tale and learn that the situationship ended because of a miscommunication (qijiu then show up to the tell all engaged with matching rings and shen qingqiu is practically sitting on yue qingyuan's lap the whole time)

gongyi xiao: has a generic office job that he hates. becomes an early frontrunner among fans when the cast photos are first revealed. says he applied for the show because he appreciated shen yuan's kindness (everyone else is confused by this statement bc shen yuan is an infamous hater). him and luo binghe have a mini rivalry over being the only contestants younger than shen yuan, but luo binghe severely outfreaks gongyi xiao so gongyi xiao sort of gives up, and he eventually leaves during a teary-eyed rose ceremony pre-hometowns, but it seems clear that both him and shen yuan knew they weren't a match. fans rally for him to be the next bachelor

zhuzhi-lang: executive assistant for CEO of (insert generic company that is a rival to the one gongyi xiao works at) tianlang-jun. tianlang-jun pulled some strings to get his nephew on the show. is quiet and shy throughout the season, which becomes his downfall as shen yuan sort of forgets about him. somehow he makes it to hometowns, and his visit is made really weird because his uncle asks questions that are WAY too invasive and embarrasses him in front of shen yuan. shen yuan basically friend-zones him and viewers do a frame-by-frame analysis that shows zhuzhi-lang's heart breaking and confidence collapsing in real time as he gets sent home, which shocks everyone because he never seemed that into shen yuan outwardly

other miscellaneous cast members that go home somewhat early:

ming fan: sent home night one (shen yuan lowkey calls him ugly in a confessional)

mobei-jun: thought shang qinghua was the season lead. was very disappointed that this was not the case. runs off with shang qinghua halfway through the season

mu qingfang: did a cute heart rate monitoring doctor bit when he arrived at the house. gets a few dates but he and shen yuan agree they work better as friends (mu qingfang is internally devastated about this)

wei qingwei: sent home because he seems more interested in playing in the pool than talking to shen yuan during a group date

Shen yuan would listen to binghes childhood stories and be sooo mad that hack authour didn't include those happy memories in pidw..

If he can fix some plot points and get things less chaotic (airplane seriously just crept adding stuff that made zero sense to get more sex scenes) so SY will fix that and make things less bad for Binghe...

He ends up taking over the entire abyss without realizing. Man is emperor of the abyss.

Xin Mo has been begging SY to wield it but SY is like 'i'm not touching the protagonists golden finger, why would I do that i'm just an NPC'

SY has not realized he's the feared emperor of the abyss, tales of his power have even reached outside texts, he is the great terror that rules over all others and untied all the creatures under his power.

He just keeps thinking this is just to make things easier for Binghe... he's mentioned a few times about LBH and his subjects have heard a heavenly demon hat will fall in who SY talks about with adoration.

Clearly they all decide SY is a seer (it would explain a lot) and LBH is their future bride.

LBH falls into abyss ready to start revenge arc... only to get scooped up by first demons who see him and take him palace to apparently 'future husband' LBH is ready to start killing... until he meets SY.

Empress of the abyss suddenly sounds very appealing.

SY: I can help Binghe go though this arc with less trauma and then i'm sure he'll leave and become emperor

My brother totaled his car (actually an old lady did 😑) and we’re saving up for a new one!

I can draw nsfw/kink/mpreg!!! (though I avoid drawing genitalia)

I won’t draw anything that promotes bigotry or pedophilia and for skill reasons (not moral ones) I unfortunately cannot draw furries, animals, or mecha

Here’s the transfer apps I use:

Cashapp: $LavenderGunderman

Venmo: @lavendergunderman

SQQ who was in charge of taking care of the garden (QHT loved the flowers and she saw that SJ was decently good at it so QJL was like on top of your servant duties you are to tend the garden) and he’s taking care of this beautiful tree and sometimes he rants to it (he has nobody to talk to and at least he knows that the tree won’t spill) and in reality it has a dormant SY who transmigrated. SY’s just been in the darkness (unconsciously cultivating) and while he’s there with little sensations he hears this voice, and feels this teeny amount of warmth (from when SJ presses his palm against his trunk) nearly every day. (SY’s tree trunk is vaguely shaped like a sleeping person, but you’d have to really look for it in order to see it)

Most of the times it’s ranting, but sometimes it’s filled with hopeful mentions of a person named Something-Qi—if the mentions “Qi-ge” are anything to go off of—coming to save them. Sometimes the person rambles on about nonsensical things, cursing at some person named “Qiu something”—Shen Yuan has heard many mentions of two separate Qius, and Shen Jiu (from what he’s gathered) has never seemed to specify which one. Eventually SY has enough cultivation to start perceiving SJ, the darkness is replaced by an omnipotent view of his surroundings (like a drone) and he sees SJ for the first time. Nothing really changes.

This seemingly domestic relationship goes on for a good while, SJ ranting each time he comes to care for SY and SY quietly listening—offering nothing but internal support. Then the visits start becoming less frequent. Each time SJ appears he seems more dejected, like he’s slowly losing himself—mentions of ‘Qi-ge’ slow, becoming nothing more than a name attached to a feeling of hopelessness. SY feels helpless.

Then an incident happens. SJ is running from something—someone and he makes his way to the garden—rushing over to SY to hide near the tree. A man—a servant of the estate seems to furiously chase after him. SJ doesn’t seem like he knows what to do, and SY wishes he could do something. Except this time he does do something. The wind blows through his leaves as Shen Yuan’s trunk moves—shifting and curling like a snake or something similar. The vague shape of a figure sleeping becoming more refined as Shen Yuan’s trunk moves starts to wake up. Shen Jiu just stands behind the tree, watching it with wide awed eyes as the tree seems to wake up just to help him.

First things first, Shen Yuan was pretty huge (not huge enough that SJ’s a speck but big enough where SJ’s like a Barbie (a full sized barbie)… but also like SY’s not carrying SJ like a barbie he had both hands cupped to hold SJ gently) This tree is like humongous, like as huge as an oak tree. His hair is this mass of leaves and there’s like a crown of flowering branches perched atop his head. His eyes—ones he wasn’t aware he had—were shut, but he could still see everything. The clunky figure smoothened out—shaping into something much more humanoid as the seconds passed. By the time the transformation was done a lot more people had come out of the manor to witness the birth of a spirit. QJL himself seemed rather pleased—he’d gotten this tree imported because of its likelihood of becoming a spirit.

Shen Yuan isn’t really interested in whatever QJL is saying to him, he’s not a newborn and he has no filial instincts towards the man who treats a tree better than a human. Instead he faces Shen Jiu, cupping his hands around the child and lifting him to eye level—much to QJL’s astonishment.

“Shen Jiu,”

A pause, speaking physically after years of dormancy required some adaptation. Then, impulsively—

“My child,”

Shen Jiu’s eyes widened, looking at the tree incredulously, but Shen Yuan just cracked his eyes open (immediately closing them due to the overwhelming sensation of still having omnipotent vision as well as having a more focused line of sight in his eyes.) to side eye the manor staff.

Without another word SY’s like “We’re out of here” and the ground starts shaking beneath the manor, Shen Yuan’s pulling all of his roots out and rising to his full height. He steps out of the manor and shoot SJ a smile like “Let’s go find this ‘Qi-ge’, I’m sure he’s bounds better than a child abusers”

I was thinking about when exactly he's reborn... And I think I know my preferred time.

Tianlang Jun's sister throws a fit when he barges in to one of her orgies but he just literally stands on her until she tells him where she left the baby.

When he helps his nephew take human form this time he looks to be about 10.

Tianlang Jun hugs his little snephew and then takes his shoulders and tells him, "Your name is Zhuzhi Lang. You're my nephew, and you are never ever allowed to die for me, do you understand?"

He gets a bewildered little nod from Zhuzhi, that's all he needs. It's as good as a promise.

...After that he has to sit and think. About what exactly to do next. He has some time, most of the key players aren't even born yet.

He decides to go about this from multiple angles.

First, his favorite step, he abducts the Old Palace Master at the earliest opportunity and kills him, leaving his corpse abandoned in the wild. (Huan Hua Palace never finds out what happened to him, his seconds manage the palace in his place and the disorganization and infighting keeps Huan Hua Palace a lesser great sect.)

Next, he runs into a monk on the road. Wu Chen is enamored with little Zhuzhi and the three of them have a fascinating conversation... And Demon Emperor Tianlang Jun receives an invite to visit Zua Hua Monastery. He's sure to make regular visits.

He has some time to wait now so he takes things easy. He isn't watching Huan Huan Palace that closely, really he isn't, but he is able to intercept the lost baby ice demon before the humans find him.

Mobei Jun is not pleased when Tianlang Jun visits with his own son in tow but really, if he's not going to watch his children more closely TLJ doesn't see why he shouldn't steal them. He's got a past history of it! (Gestures at Zhuzhi Lang) It's a fun hobby!

He nearly misses the next step in his plan, this is admittedly the part he knows the least about. He finds the boy who will be the next Sect Leader of Cang Qiong Mountain Sect trying to break into a manor house and after scaring him senseless is able to get the whole dramatic story from him.

So he a Zhuzhi Lang terrify the Qiu family long enough for Yue Qi to steal his Xiao Jiu away. (Tianlang Jun recognizes the boy as soon as he sees him. Hello Shen Qingqiu, good to see you again.)

They escort the boys to the mountain too, just to be safe.

After that he waits, and waits and doesn't check who Huan Hua 's head disciple is... And after that very important date passes he resigns himself to this new future. He knew his meddling would change some things, he can live with this.

Years pass, he keeps up with his cultivator friends and does emperor stuff. His sister doesn't die, which is a pleasant surprise. Her 50s seem to mellow her out and she starts making an earnest effort to know her son. Poor Zhuzhi is torn before TLJ tells him that he is not betraying his uncle by having a relationship with his mother.

Now Shen Qingqiu and Yue Qingyuan start a very dramatic public relationship, so really it's a good thing there won't be a Luo Binghe in this world. The poor boy would be heartbroken.

He's not heartbroken by the way. He's fine! Totally fine! And he sticks to that story right up until he gets into a fight at a human bar, and takes a rogue cultivator's spiritual energy infused fist to the face.

He lays there on the floor until she comes over to nudge him with her foot.

"I didn't hit you THAT hard did I?" she asks.

She is still so so beautiful. He's missed her so much.

"Alas," he says. "I am incapacitated... Now my attacker can drag me off and have her way with me!"

And to think he had nearly forgotten the way she smiles with her eyes.

"Not interested."

"Oh please? Am I not handsome enough for you?"

Their daughter is born two years later, and TLJ is sure this means there will never be a Luo Binghe...

So you can imagine his shock twelve years later when their second child, a boy, is born and TLJ recognizes the baby staring up at him.

"Ah, hello Binghe."

"Oh that's a nice name, I like it." Demon Empress Su Xiyan says.

Everything goes on like canon, except no one has ever seen the beast peak master. Yeah the other peak Lords have seen him at meeting but he's never very that noticable. UNTIL ONE DAY

When they have a meeting and the beast peak Lord is late, very late.

Someone is about to go get him until he suddenly bursts in, dirty as hell, and carrying a stunned beast over his shoulder, "Sorry sorry sorry I'm late! This guy got out and I had to grab him! Just when I did my head deciple told me how late I was! But I'm here! Don't mind them!"

The horny grip that gets YQY and SJ is sudden and would beat a hydraulic press.

Meanwhile SY the beast peak Lord is just embarrassed because he had to bring the poor Rainbow Horned Tiger along with him because he got distracted playing with them (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Ouh! I can see this going two ways depending on how Shen Yuan is envisioned here. Is he still a scrawny little twig waiting to be bent in half? (or maybe he does the bending in half, I'm flexible when it comes to ship positions >:]) Or would he be decently toned/muscular waiting to be bent in half? (Or maybe he does the bending hehe, once again super flexible >u<)

I kind of want to write both... Hmmm.. Rubs my hands together like a fly... mwehehehe

-Takes your idea and turns it into origami-

"Where is the beast-taming peak lord? Today's meeting concerns him more than anyone else here today."

Shen Qingqiu said, scanning the room for the aforementioned peak lord. This was the first time that they had to rely on this generation's beast peak lord and he wasn't even here yet. Normally he was present on time--quite the cordial one--however this time he was nowhere to be seen.

Shen Qingqiu looked around again, thinking he might've just missed the man. He didn't have any noticeable features after all--he was just another brute in Shen Qingqiu's eyes.

'No, he's simply not here.'

Shen Qingqiu narrowed his eyes and Yue Qingyuan could tell Shen Qingqiu was about to get a bit... Snappy. Could anyone really blame him? His peak was infested with Qi termites! They'd been brought in by one of the disciples returning from their night hunt--unaware as to why they felt so drowsy.

Right now the swarm was manageable but Shen Qingqiu would rather have his peak NOT be infested. It was only a matter of time before the termites ate away at some of the protective measures the peak had.

Right when Yue Qingyuan is getting ready to send someone over there, everyone hears the slight sound of feet hitting the ground outside. The door bursts open as Shen Yuan, the beast taming peak lord in all of his rugged glory, appeared.

In his arms is a kitten with three colored fur, gnawing on his toned arm. His robes were a mess, skewed to the side and torn in some places as the Kitten dug its claws in. It was a juvenile Rainbow Horned Tiger—one that had just been weaned. It had taken a liking to Shen Yuan. Shen Yuan was quick to apologize—not lowering himself to please Shen Qingqiu either. Enough politeness to appease but enough firmness to shut down further scolding.

There was something enticing about that dumb sheepish look in his eyes, the way his subtle muscle came out with the littlest bit of force. In his arms, the kitten mewled, prodding at Shen Yuan with his horn and lapping at the shallow lacerations on his arm.

Shen Yuan let the kitten nibble on his finger as he took his seat, manspreading slightly to accommodate the kitten's size. Yue Qingyuan's breath was punched out of him as Shen Yuan's charm was finally brought to light. He looked like Shen Qingqiu, with more of a boyish charm rather than the shar. His hair was braided—a seafoam(teal) green ribbon tied at the end. There was a bit of dirt smudged on his cheek. Yue Qingyuan felt embarrassed with the way his first thought was to lean forward and wipe it off. Something about his directness made Yue Qingyuan's eyes flicker towards Shen Qingqiu.

On Shen Qingqiu's end, he was also feeling the intensity of Shen Yuan's charm. There was something endearing about how pathetic he looked that appealed to Shen Qingqiu. The way Shen Yuan looked at him with those apologetic eyes (assuming SY isn't transmigrated here) upon hearing this his lateness had put Shen Qingqiu's peak at a bigger risk. Close enough to Yue Qingyuan to make his heart skip a bit, yet different enough to make Shen Qingqiu curious. When he saw Shen Yuan beginning to manspread he turned his gaze elsewhere, happening to meet Yue Qingyuan's gaze.

QiJiu shared a glance for a second. It was just a moment, enough for a tacit understanding to pass between them. Then it was like the moment was over. Yue Qingyuan shifted his legs a bit, changing the way he sat as he cleared his throat. Shen Qingqiu waved his fan in front of his face—nearly forgetting why the meeting was called.

Shen Yuan just sat there, his leg bouncing the kitten idly as he waited for the meeting to continue.

Surprisingly, the Qi termites weren't the only thing on Yue Qingyuan and Shen Qingqiu's mind in that moment.

--

Mu Qingfang is so curious about how Shen Yuan can endear so many animals. He would like to know if it’s his Qi or some other element that draws animals towards Shen Yuan.

Actually in Shen Yuan’s eyes, everyone is some type of animal. He treats them as such too. When Liu Qingge gets hurt he coos at him before freezing and refusing to acknowledge that he was just using his baby voice with Liu-fucking-Qingge.

—

Bingge/Bingmei/Bingzu/whatever Bing you wanna use, I'm partial to PIDW Bing who was killed by his wives then sent back taking this spot. Anyway, he's still amazed that THIS happened and isn't sure how to react, he has the loving Shizun, not his wife since it feels wrong, like if he tried to go after the washer woman. But also, Bingbing isn't dumb, he sees how Qijiue look at his Shizun! And he hates it! STAY AWAY FROM HIS MOM!!! HE'LL KILL YOU AGAIN HE SWEARS!!!

--

Shen Qingqiu stops by because one of Shen Yuan's "babies" (creature wise) is terrorizing his disciples and what type of shixiong would he be if he didn't return it? (If it were anyone else he'd have sent their creature back to them in a box. Dead.)

He's wandering around Shen Yuan's peak, taking his time to familiarize himself with it when he 's attracted by the faint sound of swords clashing. It's Yue Qingyuan and Shen Yuan having a spar of sorts. Of course Shen Yuan can't outright beat the sect leader, but he's holding his own well enough for someone whose cultivation isn't sword oriented.

Yue Qingyuan happens to look up right as Shen Qingqiu appears, cradling a cat-like creature in his arms. (If it were anything but a cat he'd be holding it away from him by the scruff I'll tell you that much) Yue Qingyuan's sword comes down with a little too much force, and Shen Yuan is brought to his knees with a dull thud.

Shen Qingqiu's fan made its way in front of his face in less than a second as he took in the sight of a slightly disheveled Shen Yuan, kneeling in front of Yue Qingyuan. Yue Qingyuan quickly tucked his blade away and pulled Shen Yuan up but the sight was already seared in Shen Qingqiu's eyes.

--

OUR BINGBONG IS SEETHING, CLENCHING HIS JAW SO HARD THAT HE HURTS HIS OWN TEETH. HE'S LIKE "IT'LL BE BACK IN THE PICKLE JAR... WAIT THEN MAMA'LL BE UPSET... FUCK!!!!"

THEN HE SEES YUE QINGYUAN'S LOOK AFTER SHEN YUAN SCOLDS HIM FOR BEING RECKLESS WITH A VENOMOUS ANIMAL AND HE'S LIKE "I'LL DOUBLE THE ARROWS THIS TIME I SWEAR TO GOD!!!"

And that kinda sets the tone for things. People on the Beast Peak see half-demon Binghe and are just kinda like "Huh... I guess that does make sense." and everyone treats it very casually. When SY sees he's internally freaking out but externally very calmly mentions it.

In which Shen Yuan, CEO of Shen Industries, has recently signed a contract with the military to provide them with renewable energy technology.

However, recent terrorist attackers against the state have taken notice of that and are not willing to overlook it.

Shen Yuan, who had signed the contract to help one of his best friends - General Liu Qingge - in reforming the military into something more respectable, hadn't considered the consequences which might follow.

Que: the assassination and kidnapping attempts as well as the letters filled with threats sent his way. He had managed to evade and escape most things unhurt so far but there had been a couple of close calls.

He decides he needs to hire a bodyguard.

Promptly Shen Yuan calls his assistant to inform him that he has a week to get him a list of candidates with the appropriate skills for the job.

"Wait, wait! I don't think I heard you correctly, say that again?" Shang Qinghua, sleep deprived and currently elbows deep into his side hobby of writing smut, asks.

"I said, I need an escort." Shen Yuan repeats impatiently. "Considering the recent threats against my life and the constant stress of it, I thought someone like that might help. I need to be able to relax and not fear for my life for a bit while Liu Qingge is looking for the terrorist group's leader. And I can't rely on him every time something happens!"

"Wait! You and Liu Qingge-!?"

"What? He's a good friend."

"But, but-!"

"A list of people who have that skill set and maybe a meeting with the top candidate on Monday, Airplane! I have to go now, bye!"

"Wait, bro! You can't just-!!"

And so, Airplane was left with the task of finding an escort with a skill set which might appeal to Cucumber bro. Since when is Cucumber bro so forward anyway, ha!?