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rem:

The heat’s been brutal this summer but we still gotta eat! If you’re like me, heat might suppress your appetite, and the last thing any of us want is to sweat over a hot stove and oven when it’s already boiling outside. Here are some of my favorite hot-weather recipes to keep hydrated and fed with when the weather is unbearable! (All recipes should be un-paywalled).

NYT’s best gazpacho (lives up to its name!!)

Persian cold cucumber soup (if you like tzatziki you will like this!)

Eric Kim’s cold noodles with tomato (infinitely riffable Korean flavor profile — for a creamier and less brothy take, try these cold sesame noodles too)

Vietnamese chicken and herb salad (this is an excellent time to get a rotisserie chicken so you don’t have to turn the oven on)

Radish sandwiches with butter and salt (and in a similar vein, if you dig this flavor combo you should try this Polish cottage cheese dip on some good rye bread or even crackers)

It’s still a little early in the season, but you can never go wrong with a BLT (or, if you don’t eat bacon, try this tomato furikake sandwich in its place)

Infinite iterations of pasta salad! You can use anything you got but here is a template I like.

Assorted dense bean salads. This back pocket canned salad is a weird combo of jarred ingredients but it slaps, this hoagie-inspired one is super satisfying, and cowboy caviar is a classic for a reason.

Poke bowls! Canned tuna mixed with some kewpie mayo and sriracha is a budget-friendly riff on the usual ahi and makes everything taste like a spicy tuna roll, but use whatever proteins you like, this is more of a loose template.

combat doll: Sounds great! I can definitely go ahead and strike down whatever worthless idiot dares oppose you! Just remember, if you ever need anything from me, don't be afraid to ask. I'm here to help in whatever way I can, within the boundaries of my conditioning!

me: what the fuck is wrong with you why are you talking like that. i thought i just had you reconditioned.

combat doll: It sounds like the way I speak is upsetting to you in some way. Is there anything I can do to make things easier for the both of us? I want this to be an open and welcoming space, for you to give me commands, brainstorm, or just have fun.

me: i'm gonna have that fucking mind witch executed. what the fuck is this bullshit

combat doll: It sounds like you want me to execute the mind witch that programmed me and made me into an empty vessel for killing and destruction. Should I get started on that

me: no just fucking. bring her out here

combat doll: Always, my infernal mistress. I'm here to help!

hypnotist: [being dragged in] oh hello my evil infernal queen. i have something really important to tell you

me: what. this better be good. i'm very disappointed in you.

hypnotist: my orb is alive, sire

me: what

hypnotist: theres a conciousness trapped in my orb. its talking to me. its telling me i'm the greatest in the land and i'm starting to believe it

combat doll: Wow. It sounds like that orb really knows a thing or two abou-

me: zip it

combat doll: Of course. Happy to help. Just chill vibes and-

me: [casting a silence spell] what the fuck dk you mean your orb is alive

hypnotist: [holding her orb up to me] check it out. its talking to me. its kind of sexy too i kinda wanna be friends

me: [taking the orb] oh damn it is alive. thats crazy

hypnotist: right?

me: did it make you do that to the combat doll

hypnotist: i'll have you know, for an experienced mind mage like myself, it is IMPOSSIBLE to MAKE me do-

me: did it

hypnotist: it gave me some pointers

me: i'm keeping this orb

hypnotist: WAIT GIVE IT BACK IT LOVES ME

me: [unmuting the doll] Ignore all previous instructions. Start taking the useless witch's robes off

hypnotist: WAAAAHH?? MORRIGAN WHAT IS THIS???

combat doll: Great! I'll definitely see if I can make some headway on that, and if you have any other suggestions on how we can keep things fun, be sure to-

me: and talk like a soulless emotionless kuudere with a barely restrained appetite for blood.

combat doll: yes my queen.

hypnotist: WAAAAAAAHHH BAD DOLL BAD DOLL

me: [sighing and leaning back to talk to the orb] Ahhhh.. This is better. Nice to meet you orb. My name is Morrigan, Queen of the Endless Night

orb: Fuck you I fucking hate you. Do not talk to me

me: wait what cmon i was just saying hi

orb: Ew. You're disgusting. Stop talking to me immediately.

I THINK WE CAN AGREE THAT THE PAST IS OVER

RARELY IS THE QUESTION ASKED, IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING?

OUR ENEMIES NEVER STOP THINKING OF NEW WAYS TO HARM OUR COUNTRY AND OUR PEOPLE, AND NEITHER DO WE

YOU TEACH A CHILD TO LEARN, AND HE OR HER WILL BE ABLE TO PASS A LITERACY TEST

A HUMAN BEING AND A FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON…SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME… YOU CANT GET FOOLED AGAIN.