I freaking love bats!

trying to calculate which part of your godforsaken body you should aim to preserve while choosing a sleeping position on any given night

they should invent an autism accommodation that's like: okay so there's a guy next to you and whenever you have a conversation and you know you've chosen the wrong dialogue option, you can later present it to him for review and he can tell you why. And then whenever you run out of the energy to do your own pr rep he simply takes over your body and comes up with the correct phrasing and tone to explain what you want to get across. So basically noise-cancelling headphones are NOT going to solve all my problems and we need intermittent demon possession

in my revolutionary Guy Next To You autism accommodation plan the Guy will also alert you when you should ask people to alter their behavior and when you should not. Sometimes you're annoyed at people for having a haircut that is bad. Sometimes you're annoyed at them for asking you out three times after you've said no. But many situations fall in between these two extremes, and Guy Next To You will help you determine which are actionable

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

if you're an adult behaving immaturely i'm not going to "treat you like a child" about it because i have a lot of respect for children as an oppressed and vulnerable class of people. i will however treat you like an embarrassment. which you are being.

"Don't speak ill of the dead" my ass. If you didn't want people talking shit about you when you're no longer there to defend yourself, you should've been a better person.

I always took it to mean, like, don't bitch about Mrs. Obnoxious in front of her grieving children, not 'you can't say anything bad about a dead person ever' but let me tell you some people really do seem to take the latter approach and it's EXHAUSTING. "don't speak ill of the dead" are Ronald Reagan's descendants in this room right now?

the most important thing they don't tell you about being gay is that as soon as you have any creative control over your appearance you will start dressing like one or more of the muppets

you know what? no *powers you off*

Oh thank God finally i can sl

Love how even if you’re in a fandom far removed from Supernatural, just the fact of being on tumblr means you’ll feel a disturbance in the force whenever something happens over there

He is showing respect