Christmas 🎄: depressed in a festive way

stupid thing about me is I don’t cut corners but I also have no work ethic. if I do something it WILL be done right. no telling whether I’ll actually fucking do it tho

99% of "mysterious disappearances" esp of people in their 20s who start acting weird for 48 hours and then vanish are not mysterious, thats just when a lot of reality-obliterating mental illness tends to kick in and it's pretty easy to get a short circuit in your brain that makes you go family guy death pose in joshua tree national park. it's not any less tragic, it's just a documented phenomenon and not particularly predictable. its a big reason the medical advice is for people with a family history of schizophrenia to completely avoid weed and psychedelics. "people just go crazy sometimes" is a principle of human health that used to be a lot more accepted prior to the american midcentury and to a certain extent thats a healthier way to conceptualize and prepare for the risk, as opposed to the modern assertion that anyone acting weird is dangerous and broken forever.

you should have a rough outline of a plan for if any of your loved ones experiences psychosis, it really does happen a lot. UTIs can cause psychosis. taking drugs, even safe drugs, or prescription drugs, can cause psychosis. i was once prescribed a heavy regimen of vitamin D because i was deficient, but the doctor never told me to stop taking it, so i moved to california, stopped being deficient, and developed vitamin d toxicity with downstream hyperparathyroidism which triggered significant hypomania that was undetected and uncontrolled for yeeeeeeears. i just slowly got Weird and started making impulsive decisions based on slightly out-of-gamut beliefs. i drove cross country by myself to have a love affair. the love affair was real, the series of decisions leading to burning down my life in pursuit of it were based on not great brain function however. etc. you see what i mean. churchill mentioned depression being the "black dog who stalks us" (one reason for Churchgrim's multi-referential name) but theres another, stealthier dog called Insanity and it's closer to some people than others but man it sneaks up on you. every time i see one of those "guy gets weird and drives into the wilderness forever" missing persons stories i think "yeah i could totally pull that off"

"van gogh cut off his ear what a lunatic" you are 3 nights of bad sleep, getting unexpected upsetting news and taking a substance as benign as coffee at the wrong time away from doing the same hope this helps

let go of the “what if”s and “it could’ve been different”s. yes, things could have gone another way, but this is where you are now.

is anyone else scared or is it just me and every deer

I find myself thinking "god, I need a cigarette" way too often for someone who doesn't actually smoke. but what can I say. I've been needing a cigarette

So done with all the defeatism nonsense. Life keeps going. My girlfriend has her first job interview later this morning. I’ve got to fold my laundry. My friends and I have a d&d session later this week. We’re still going. You’ll keep going. I’ll drag your asses into the future kicking and screaming because they want you to lay down and die. And I’ll be damned if any of us do what they want.

The way that weather and seasons have permanently changed within 1 lifetime. I literally remember colder falls and winters as a child. It's a commonly accepted fact also every person I talk to acknowledges it, even if they're small town conservative.

I mean surely we all grew up feeling like there was a wrongness inherently deep inside us that will endure for the rest of our lives