Debated whether or not to type this out, because ruminating and analyzing are compulsions. But I figured it could actually be useful to type out my roadblocks in OCD treatment so I could have a useful list to talk to my therapist about.
And posting it on my blog somehow helps me focus on actually writing it.
(Warning for discussion of OCD symptoms that could be triggering to others who have it.)
Things to talk with my therapist about:
1. Talk therapy (and typical forms of CBT) seem counter-productive for me.
It allows me to ruminate, over-analyze, and seek reassurance. Typical CBT dialogues lead to me arguing with myself and ramping up my anxiety. I'll need help with redirection if I'm doing this. I'd also like to know what therapy looks like if I'm not just spending the session rambling about / analyzing my problems.
2. I overcome obsessions and compulsions, and then new ones develop that go unnoticed for a really long time.
Probably a typical issue. But I have no idea what to do about this. Many of them have become mental rituals that I perform before I'm even aware of what's happening.
3. I run into a lot of "damned if I do, damned if I don't" scenarios, where any option I pick fulfills some sort of compulsion.
If I sleep in, am I giving into the compulsion to ease my fears of getting sick, or underperforming, if I "wake up too early"? If I practice waking up at the same time every day, am I being too rigid, and not listening to my body's needs?
Is it a compulsion to strictly try and fight every single thing I think could be OCD? But if I don't, aren't I giving up on treatment and allowing it to fester?
4. Even when I actively resist compulsions, anxiety remains.
I'm not talking about the "extinction burst" type of anxiety. I'm talking about the kind that's persistent. This typically happens over obsessions I ultimately can't do anything about. This continuous anxiety leads to dissociation, the freeze response, poor attention span, irritability, poor appetite and unintentional weight loss, somatic symptoms, fatigue, and numbness / feelings of disconnection / loss of pleasure and enjoyment.
5. Involuntary completion of compulsions
I really need help with this one, and have no idea what to do about it. The OCD is sneaky and has figured out obsession-compulsion cycles that can be fulfilled by causing me to dissociate, physically freeze, become scattered or distracted, or fall asleep.
6. The OCD helps compensate for my other conditions.
Examples:
I'm autistic (and have ADHD, and between everyone in my system we have four personality disorders), which can obviously lead to missed social cues. Fueled by many very painful social mishaps throughout the years, the OCD will overanalyze my social behaviors.
The ADHD leads to forgetfulness and mistakes. The OCD will check over and over again to reduce these errors.
With ADHD, getting tasks done is a lot easier when there's some level of urgent anxiety driving me to do them. OCD provides that.
My autism (and dissociative disorder) make it hard for me to recognize the needs of my body. The ADHD makes me forget to take care of myself. So the OCD will step in and provide the ritualized necessity to ensure that I'm actually eating, brushing my teeth, and so forth.
A certain level of "contamination avoidance" is useful for managing my DID. For example, avoiding conversations about x while I'm doing y activity or am in a certain room or wearing certain clothes. OCD behavior? Yeah, sure, but it's really helpful in preventing heavy blurring and staring into space for hours. It's also really helpful for both my autism and ADHD; delegating specific things (spaces in the house, times of day, etc.) to specific activities is extremely useful and recommended for helping manage executive dysfunction, distractibility, and transition difficulties.
And probably a lot more, but these are some of the main things that come to mind.
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Every single time I take an OCD screening test it feels like a giant bucket of ice cold water was dumped on my head.
We'll think that we have it mostly managed because we don't do x or y anymore, or we're now aware of this or that and are working on resisting it. And then we'll take a screening test, answer "yes" to every single question, come across questions describing extremely prevalent experiences of ours that we didn't even REALIZE were our OCD, have to answer "12 or more hours / continuous" on the amount of time we suffer from obsessive thoughts or perform compulsions, and have to answer "little to no control over it" because the screening test reminded us that we are, in fact, always in it, despite constantly fighting it. Even constantly fighting it is probably an OCD thing! I'm fucked!
apparently youre supposed to perform. they love it when you perform. but it has to be authentic. they hate it when it's not authentic. but you have to perform.
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not all kinks are sublimated anxieties, but the readiness with which we turn our sublimated anxieties into sexual fantasies is one of the most endearing things about our species to me. like our brains are like, “hmm. don’t like this. i should jerk off about it.”
Executive dysfunction so bad I feel like I'm holding myself hostage at gunpoint and issuing incomprehensible demands to the negotiator, who is also me. Christ.
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dreamt that there was a new death note movie where L and light had sex on screen. light was L's prisoner and he was so pathetic and needy because L was the only person he ever saw. maybe i'll write a fic out of what i remember it was so awesome.
I love putting things where they belong. Feeling appreciation for the little household items that take care of us, and returning them to their homes one by one, making both them and the surrounding space happy. I love structure and order.
My BF (bisexual frog) is rolling around in the headspace going "AAAA" because he's so excited at the prospect of watching educational videos for free. I love him so much.
Intuitively honoring your body's needs is so hard when you have ADHD. Either I want to do fuck all except the laziest and most stimulating activities all day, or I want to get 483925729 things done in .02 seconds and continue at this pace for the next 5 days without eating or sleeping.
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