For some reason people assume Akutagawa and Gin are like, extreme minimalists in their house cause the environment they grew up in. Which is possible, but I don't necessarily agree with it as the only possibility. To kinda draw from my own experiences, having grown up in an environment that was filthy and lacking, it didn't make me minimalistic I actually became closer to a maximalist.
I'm just saying, give me Akutagawa siblings that live in a surprisingly maximalist home and both collect weird nicknacks. Let them be the weird neighbors with creepy gnobes in their overgrown yard. Or heck, let them clash! Gin's a minimalist and Ryunosuke a maximalist, now half the house has taxidermied bats, four different types of quilts, thick curtains (in general just an unnecessary amount of fabric), and the other a nice potted plant.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
Debated whether or not to type this out, because ruminating and analyzing are compulsions. But I figured it could actually be useful to type out my roadblocks in OCD treatment so I could have a useful list to talk to my therapist about.
And posting it on my blog somehow helps me focus on actually writing it.
(Warning for discussion of OCD symptoms that could be triggering to others who have it.)
Things to talk with my therapist about:
1. Talk therapy (and typical forms of CBT) seem counter-productive for me.
It allows me to ruminate, over-analyze, and seek reassurance. Typical CBT dialogues lead to me arguing with myself and ramping up my anxiety. I'll need help with redirection if I'm doing this. I'd also like to know what therapy looks like if I'm not just spending the session rambling about / analyzing my problems.
2. I overcome obsessions and compulsions, and then new ones develop that go unnoticed for a really long time.
Probably a typical issue. But I have no idea what to do about this. Many of them have become mental rituals that I perform before I'm even aware of what's happening.
3. I run into a lot of "damned if I do, damned if I don't" scenarios, where any option I pick fulfills some sort of compulsion.
If I sleep in, am I giving into the compulsion to ease my fears of getting sick, or underperforming, if I "wake up too early"? If I practice waking up at the same time every day, am I being too rigid, and not listening to my body's needs?
Is it a compulsion to strictly try and fight every single thing I think could be OCD? But if I don't, aren't I giving up on treatment and allowing it to fester?
4. Even when I actively resist compulsions, anxiety remains.
I'm not talking about the "extinction burst" type of anxiety. I'm talking about the kind that's persistent. This typically happens over obsessions I ultimately can't do anything about. This continuous anxiety leads to dissociation, the freeze response, poor attention span, irritability, poor appetite and unintentional weight loss, somatic symptoms, fatigue, and numbness / feelings of disconnection / loss of pleasure and enjoyment.
5. Involuntary completion of compulsions
I really need help with this one, and have no idea what to do about it. The OCD is sneaky and has figured out obsession-compulsion cycles that can be fulfilled by causing me to dissociate, physically freeze, become scattered or distracted, or fall asleep.
6. The OCD helps compensate for my other conditions.
Examples:
I'm autistic (and have ADHD, and between everyone in my system we have four personality disorders), which can obviously lead to missed social cues. Fueled by many very painful social mishaps throughout the years, the OCD will overanalyze my social behaviors.
The ADHD leads to forgetfulness and mistakes. The OCD will check over and over again to reduce these errors.
With ADHD, getting tasks done is a lot easier when there's some level of urgent anxiety driving me to do them. OCD provides that.
My autism (and dissociative disorder) make it hard for me to recognize the needs of my body. The ADHD makes me forget to take care of myself. So the OCD will step in and provide the ritualized necessity to ensure that I'm actually eating, brushing my teeth, and so forth.
A certain level of "contamination avoidance" is useful for managing my DID. For example, avoiding conversations about x while I'm doing y activity or am in a certain room or wearing certain clothes. OCD behavior? Yeah, sure, but it's really helpful in preventing heavy blurring and staring into space for hours. It's also really helpful for both my autism and ADHD; delegating specific things (spaces in the house, times of day, etc.) to specific activities is extremely useful and recommended for helping manage executive dysfunction, distractibility, and transition difficulties.
And probably a lot more, but these are some of the main things that come to mind.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
Dude you reblogged the "longing to be a real person" post from me 7 times in a row are u ok
My recent characters in no particular order:
> A dominant, terrifying tyrant of a fey wilds. They are cruel and unforgiving and have changed the realm like it changed them - for they themselves were once marked by the fey. Passed around like a powerful - but utterly enslaved - toy, their name and powers stripped away from them. They didn't even understand the losses they were being mocked about. And then they died. And then the thirst for revenge brought them back. The old name didn't apply to them anymore. The fey lost their power over them - and they did not hesitate in dismantling the Courts, one by one, and uniting the Wilds under their one power. This new role scraped their soul hollow, leaving very little personality beyond cruelty and pain. Their soul is torn by ancient losses, and they can and will break if those aren't addressed - but their role does not allow weakness. If anyone smells even a drop of it.. they will be torn apart alive.
> A quiet, well-built guy, growing up on dead plains with only gray grass all around.. the dead plains wasn't a hyperbole, by the way. Those lands are marked by an old asteroid that crashed in there, and brought odd poisons with it. Nothing can prosper in those lands.. and yet animals and people alike manage to survive. His childhood was quiet and solitary, and the death of his mother to sickness was as well. It was an odd sickness, coming in waves... It took him years of sailing on the open sea after leaving his old home to realize where exactly that unknown sickness came from. The pristine seafoam, sneaking up on his mother, and eventually washing her away. Having to leave his life behind yet again, he hopes this next try will not end in the rushing of waves.
> A guard who is a bone carver in the present times. Getting born with a birth defect - muteness - is not immidiately a disadvantage in his culture. Unfortunately, his village was rather superstitious, and coincidence made it look like a curse from something deep inside the woods. Growing up without a language of his own and ostracized from his family and village, his emotional and language development was heavily stunted. There was supposed to be no future for him, and he's made peace with that. It takes little convincing for him to make a deal with this world's version of the devil, and sell his soul without second thought. It helps. For a few years. Before the woods begin trying to eat him.
> Youthful force of nature, a domain of space with a mind of its own. It was destined to replace the current civilisation, and reshape it into something new when the old world dies. It was to be vibrant, and entirely alien to how life is perceived in the current world. The current beings in power, however, did not want to perish - and chose to subject their world to a slow decay, rather than a transformation. They attacked this force of nature, and twisted and broke it, until it lost the ability to bring about the transformation. So now, it waits, full of memories of what never will be, and it waits for the world to end, so that everything will end. It is not bitter about this in the slightest. Trust. As a result of the twisting and breaking, it is able to break the fourth wall and peer beyond the limitations of the story it is being held in.
> Young cosmic god who wandered the empty universe and fought others of his kin, until he found a quiet corner to settle in, watched by distant stars. He carved and sculpted a city out of the sea cliffs, each cathedral a heartbeat, each empty building an echo of his soul. There was nobody there to keep him company other than the city he so dearly loved, and that in time begin to breathe and hum with life of its own. But everything that is alive can decay, and so did the city, poisoned by the wrath of the dark sea. The god's beloved city crumpled under his hands, his heart torn out and the scar burned by seawater, until he drowned in that very sea. He has never spoken to another person, as he lived long before the tongues of men were invented.
> Young hatchling of something that would have been great and cheerful.. were it not thrown into what I affectionately call Superhell. It forgot how to speak as times went on, but it learned to hunt and fight and flee very quickly. Basically going from an almost fully formed person into an animalistic, powerful beast, that can never get a restful night's sleep. Once he got out, it took months for him to be able to speak to another person, and he still hasn't figured out what he was supposed to be before all this - or what he is supposed to be now. For this one guy though, at least the times are really good now.
> A kid, born with a strange and ancient power - power over bones. His family was thrown into chaos the moment the gift has shown - the constant tensions between keeping the kid free and growing, and safe and under control. A special amulet managed to contain the curse's powers, but it still hums and dreams within him. He wishes to use it for good, but he can not do that if he can not learn to use it in the first place. His parents went to see a Seer to determine where the power came from, but the Seer's sight got burned and she still had no answers. There was a time when he had two spines, before he figured out how to change his bones back.
> A young soldier trainee, always focused, always vigilant. On the run from her own country and army, hiding away in the next country and hoping to run away to a whole another continent. She remembers little of what happened to her as a kid, but it was enough to shatter her mind into several pieces. She has to cooperate with the new people inside her mind to not get caught, finish her training - and keep herself intact. She is almost painfully sharp, comcerningly smart, and deeply fragile. Which she obviously deals with like the well-adjusted adult she isn't. When she finds a host family to stay with, she almost manages to find a sense of normalcy. Everything goes to hell once she begins to detangle what happened to her, and when she finds out the country she plans to emigrating to is the same one that opresses her host family.
That about covers my answer, I believe. Any further questions?
CODEX ENTRY. THE LIGHTHOUSE āCURIOSITYāS LIBRARYā
Two letters written by Solas and Felassan, during the Rebellion in Ancient Arlathan.
av'ahn'su'vi'in - curiosity.
[ Found in a hidden room in the Lighthouse. A curious array of wolf statues molded into the trimming of the Meditation Room. A friendly hand that does not shy from the predatorās teeth, is shown the path to daālathāin. When the snarling wolf is pet - the hidden door is revealed. ]
Date Unknown
I know in my heart it is as Mythal said - she does not wish to see me. To see either of us. Felassan says nothing, and he does not need too. He throws himself into the rebellion, into helping the refugees, but I know with each new arrival, it is her face he hopes to see in the crowds. While we still take what little comfort we can between one another, I am far too aware that he is angry with me for not taking more action.
But we cannot lose focus, and if she does not wish for usā¦ we must respect her wishes. She changed her mind, who am I, who are we? To force her otherwiseā¦
And yet, though Felassan thinks otherwise, I do have hope. Why else would the Lighthouse manifest this room beside the meditation chamber? If not because the Fade knew before I, how desperately I wish for her to be at our side, then why? For her to be safe, that is my wish. He thinks I do not worry, but she is perhaps in greater danger than mostā¦ Mythal cannot temper Elgarānan forever. Not as the rebellion continues to swell and grow with each passing day with our - with my actions threatening the Evanuris' hold. Of course I fear for her safety.
But I will not steal her away and cage herā¦ she has made a choice, I will respect it.
And yet the Lighthouse has made a haven for av'ahn'su'vi'in. The bookshelves reach to the ceiling - and while there were a few tomes when I first entered, not nearly enough to fill the emptiness. Each time we venture out now, I return with more. I have filled at least one shelfā¦ - but it is as though the room is a personal Vir Dirthara. I will still need far more tomes and works to fill the space. I have... also tried to make it as comfortable as I can. I know she will fall asleep in there more often than not, pouring over every book. A bed for her to curl up in - large enough for us to slip in beside her when we have the rare moment to steal away and be with her when we are not held to our duties.
I am hardly a gardenerā¦ Felassan is more suited for such things. But the Lighthouse provided a small garden by the windows. Herbs, I think. Intermingled with flowersā¦ I have been trying my best to keep them alive but. I am not her, who can coax life out of even that which I thought was surely dead. And while Felassan is not quite as adept at such magic as she, he is less forgetful than I - he would be better suited to remembering to water them.
I do not know why I havenāt shown him this place. It is hardly out of a desire to keep it secret, or to keep some piece of her for myself. Perhaps it is a desire to keep it a surprise for them both. If I could, conceivably, bring her here, if she changed her mindā¦ show them this room, perhaps they both can forgive me for all that I have put them through.
[ A secondary note, started on the space left behind on the last page. ]
Solas, you are meant to be Wisdom. How you continually be so foolish is astounding, if I did not love you as I do, I may actually consider throttling you.
Forgive you? Forgive you for what? I do not agree with you, yes. I think you are blinded by your loyalty to Mythalās words - you have been fighting for so long that you are unable to conjure the wisdom to know that something does not add up. In that field of flowers when we last all laid together, she spoke eagerly of a home with us, to be together. Bellanaris. She said, while tickling our chins with the petals of a flower she had plucked.
And then she speaks to Mythal. Who then speaks to us, and sorrowfully informs us she no longer wishes to see us at all? Itās absurd. You have seen through the lies of all the Evanuris save for hersā¦ and while I could understand at first, before her, before Persephone. Now? You would have Mythal speak for her? Solasā¦
Still, after seeing this room - I think you know all of that, deep down. Even if you will not admit it to me, let alone yourself. The Lighthouse knew what we wanted, it always does. A pity that it cannot manifest our little curiosity herself. But I could almost forgive you for your refusal to take action, after seeing all this. I am sure you would say otherwise, that you are not thinking of such a thing - but it gives me hope that maybe you are - maybe we will be mounting a rescue for her.
I know that is selfishā¦ there are those in far greater danger. But as you said, Mythal cannot hold back Elgarānanās ire for long, and I know you fear there will soon be a division among the Evanuris, and that will put her in danger that exceeds no other. Curiosity was never a fighterā¦ I do not think either of us care to see her take up armsā¦ or believe that she could survive such a slaughter.
I took the liberty of adding a few things. The blankets you chose were so stiff, I conjured up softer ones. She may have to get used to life outside of a palace, but she can still enjoy a soft blanket. Also brought in a piano - you know she likes to sing when you play.
Do not worry, I watered the plants. Iāll remember, until she comes.
uhhh a/n? i guess.
this is just a fun little Codex entry I thought up after making it canon for Niamh to have been alive in Ancient Arlathan, a spirit of curiosity, and Mythal's younger sister.
There's. Obviously more to it and I'm working on putting together a carrd with all of Niamh's extensive ass lore, because this of course, has ramifications for the present day Niamh, and both Solas&Felassan. but. I hope you enjoy a bit of ancient arlathan solavellassan.
