Little Miss Doomed By The Narrative

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In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured.

The massive heavenly event began at 12:02 p.m. EST when a large burst of God’s divine light shot down from the clouds and slowly lifted all 3,059 of the Christian-owned restaurants off the ground and into the Lord’s Eternal Kingdom. Videos posted across social media showed customers as they screamed and fell to their knees in Chick-fil-A parking lots, clutching the empty wrappers, containers, and cups that seconds earlier had held their chicken sandwiches, waffle fries, and soft drinks.