whispers from a long-forgotten night

You practically jumped at the sound of Kazuha’s voice, turning around to find that he was already right behind you. When did he even get there? You didn’t hear any footsteps. Ignoring your messy state, Kazuha flashed you a smile and gently placed his hand on your head. “You haven’t forgotten, have you? How will you repay me, Y/N?”

Of course you hadn’t forgotten. You still had nightmares about it. How could you possibly forget the way he had leaned close to you and whispered those words that could mean a thousand things at once?

“How are you going to take responsibility?”

You mentally groaned at the reminder of how your stomach did backflips upon hearing those words, but you showed no visible reaction. Instead, you grabbed his hand to remove it from your poor head and put on a clueless expression. “Repay what?”

“Repay me for interrupting my sleep yesterday.” Kazuha scoffed, pulling his hand back from you. His voice seemed to have an edge of frustration to it, but it wasn’t like him to get annoyed over something as trivial as this. Maybe it was your mind doing that— wait, why would your mind want to hear Kazuha being frustrated? That made no sense. You must be losing your mind. Maybe it’s the seasickness. No, Y/N, you work on a ship. Get help.

“…I let you sleep on my shoulder. Was that not enough?”

“No.”

You gulped, looking away to avoid his gaze. It was way too intense, way too piercing… damn it, where were the soft and caring eyes that he always had until a minute ago? A few moments passed before Kazuha sighed and took your hand in his, causing your entire face to heat up. “Y/N. Please look at me.”

The desperation in his voice gave you no choice but to comply. The second your eyes landed on his, his face lit up with a warm smile. “I’m sorry for being harsh earlier. I was just- I- was frustrated, a bit, just a little bit.”

You stared at Kazuha, unable to believe that he was stumbling over his own words and getting frustrated at the same time. Those were supposed to be your job. Did the sun suddenly rise from the west and bring taboo to Teyvat? You blinked at his words, unsure how to react. “Frustrated over what? Did something happen?”

Instead of answering, the corners of Kazuha’s lips turned up and he let out a quiet laugh before taking a step closer to you.

“Kazuha, what-“ you never finished your sentence, because you were effectively shut up when Kazuha leaned down and rested his forehead on your shoulder. Your hand was still gripped in his, and you had no intention of letting go. What were you going to say to him earlier? You couldn’t remember. Oh well, if you forgot about it so easily, it must’ve been something unimportant.

“You, Y/N. I’m frustrated because of you.”

“Huh? What did I even do?”

“You just can’t get a hint…”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Hey, get off me!” You demanded, although you made no attempt to push him away. You suspected that you already knew exactly what he meant, but you didn’t want to assume things so quickly, especially not the fact that Kazuha might return your feelings. It would only result in wishful thinking.

Kazuha obeyed and let go of your hand, much to your disappointment. He then lifted his head up to look at you again and spoke to you softly, “I think you know what I mean, Y/N. Now, how do you plan to repay me?”

If you could choose between staying here with Kazuha or jumping off the ship, you’d choose the latter. At least the cold sea would help wash away the redness of your face, not worsen it. “I-I don’t know! What do you want me to do?”

Kazuha looked left and right — was he making sure that nobody was watching? — before he shyly raised his hand to his own face and pointed a finger at his lips.

You blinked. No, no, that was impossible. He was definitely toying with you — teasing you as always. The moment you would lean forward to give him what you thought he wanted, he would take a step back, amusement glinting in his eyes and that stupid smile on his face as he asks innocently : “what are you doing, Y/N? I was going to say that I wanted something to eat.”

And so, you stayed where you were and simply stared at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence and elaborate before you did anything stupid.

Kazuha, like you, made no movement at all. He kept his finger pointed at his lips while waiting for you to say something. By the time he finally accepted that you were never going to make the first move and slowly lowered his hand, his cheeks had turned into the same color as the streak of red in his hair. “You- you don’t want to? It’s alright. Forget it.”

You nearly choked on your own saliva. “W-what? I don’t want to what? What did you want me to do?”

“…You still have no clue what I want you to do?”

“Of course I do, but you mess with me so often that- that I’m scared I might make a fool out of myself if I- I assume things…”

“Y/N, I assure you, I’m being completely sincere right now,” Kazuha insisted, scrambling forwards to take both your hands in his. “I… I really want you to kiss me.”

The moment Kazuha said those words, he winced and looked at the ground. He released your hands and pulled away from you. “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have asked for something like that from you, and-“

You didn’t let him finish his sentence. Like hell you would allow him to think that you were uncomfortable, that you didn’t want to kiss him. It was the opposite, for Archons’ sake, and if he thought that you were going to let this opportunity slide, then he must be doing a terrible job in reading you.

Before he could finish, you had pulled him closer by the collar of his clothes and pressed your lips against his. You were in no way an experienced kisser — you never had any to begin with — but that was the least of your concerns now. Right now, you could only repeat the same words over and over in your head : ohmygodimkissingkazuhaohmygodimkissingkazuhaohmygodimkissingkazuhaohmyg-

You finally released your grip on Kazuha’s clothes when you pulled away for air, and Kazuha stumbled backwards, his eyes wide and his chest heaving up and down. You were in no better condition — you slapped your hand over your mouth in disbelief, partly to hide your blushing state and partly because you couldn’t believe that you just pulled Kazuha by the collar and kissed him.

Of course, Kazuha was the first to gain back his composure. He stepped towards you with the widest smile you’ve ever seen on him, and he gently tugged at your wrist to remove your hand from your mouth. Still grinning, he cupped your cheeks in his palms. “I didn’t know you could be so bold, Y/N.”

“S-shut up, you were the one who asked for it…”

“Ask for what, exactly? I never asked for anything.”

“K-Kazuha!”

“Alright, alright,” he let out a laugh — the same laugh as the one you heard yesterday. The one that you were so desperate to hear once more, no matter what you had to do. You couldn’t help but smile. Before you knew it, he had closed his eyes and leaned closer to your face, lips hovering just inches away from your own. You shut your eyes in anticipation, expecting another kiss when you felt a pair of warm lips brush against your cheek.

Your eyes fluttered open. “What- why’d you do that?”

“Do what? Where did you want me to kiss you?”

“You know where I want you to kiss me.”

Kazuha placed a finger over your lips, still with that sly smile of his. “Of course I do. But if you want me to kiss you there, you’ll have to say it out loud, Y/N. How else am I supposed to know what you want?”

You sighed in exasperation, not believing that you were letting yourself be humiliated by a man. Then again, Kazuha wasn’t just any man. This is worth it, you repeated to yourself as you raised your finger to your lips. This is worth it. I’ll sacrifice my dignity just this once.

If someone spotted what you were doing right now, you had two things to say to defend yourself. 1), You were NOT sneaking around in a forest to secretly watch a man sleep. You were just passing by. 2), the man in question was actually your friend, so you coming to find him was perfectly normal.

There was clearly nobody around you, but you couldn’t help but sneak a few glances around your surroundings to make sure that nobody was witnessing your indecency at the moment. It would be rather troublesome to explain to Captain Beidou that you don’t normally watch people sleep. Wait, no, then that would imply that you only watched Kazuha sleep- never mind. Nobody was around. Nobody would know. You just couldn’t help it, not when Kazuha was so unfairly ethereal. He was leaning against a large tree trunk, one of his legs folded across his chest. He had his sword with him as always, but the way he was hugging it like a doll made it look like a child’s toy at first glance. His head was tilting sideways — giving you the strangest urge to sit beside him and offer him your shoulder.

No, no, no. You were aboard the Crux long enough to notice how Kazuha could never seem to fall asleep when in the presence of someone else. He would shut his eyes, but his eyebrows would be furrowed and his lips would form a small, annoyed pout. It was obvious how he was trying to get some sleep but failing miserably. With his heightened senses, even the slightest trickling of a drizzle would keep him awake all night.

The quiet nature was the only place where Kazuha could be sound asleep, his expression painting a serene state that you wished you could stare at forever. Maybe you should take a picture- wait, no. Taking someone’s picture without consent was something that creeps do. You were not a creep.

Instead, you decided to admire him from up close, just this once. Surely that was allowed? It was as if your body moved on its own, taking light steps to avoid waking him up. You stepped over a couple of dried leaves before finally arriving at his side, narrowing your eyes at him to make sure that you hadn’t accidentally woken him up. Nope, still sound asleep. You quietly sat down beside him — hugging your legs to your chest with your chin propped against your knees as you continued to stare at him. You’ve noticed since the first time you spotted him in the forest that there was a maple leaf the same color as his red streak resting on his head, but now up close, you could no longer resist the urge to reach out and pluck the leaf from his hair.

Just this once, you thought.

Your arm had just been outstretched halfway to him when a thought rudely interrupted you. What if he woke up? All of Kazuha’s senses were heightened beyond mortal comprehension, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if he woke up as soon as the leaf was removed from his head. Then, you’d have to explain to him why you were sitting beside him and why your hand was on his head. Knowing Kazuha, he wouldn’t let this slide so easily. He’d continue asking you questions and teasing you with saccharine dripping from his tongue as always.

As a former author, you’ve always thought that his sappy poems were passable at best. It was a relief that swordsmanship was his real specialty. If he decided to put down his sword and pick up a pen instead, he wouldn’t survive a day in Teyvat. Ironically, you soon found out that Kazuha was most poetic when he wasn’t even trying.

Your thoughts traveled back to a time when you had asked him something you were curious about — how he could stay so carefree with a smile on his face despite everything he’s been through. Everything and everyone he lost.

“That’s easy,” Kazuha had answered. “The answer is time. I guess it’s been so long since it all happened, that I realized it’s wiser to step forward instead of dwelling on the shadows of my past.”

“But it must’ve been difficult to step forward on your own,” you had retorted, still not understanding how he could take everything so lightly.

“Of course not. But I wasn’t alone. I had Captain Beidou. And of course, I had you.” Kazuha placed a hand on your head and ruffled your hair affectionately, eliciting a groan of protest from you.

“Also, what I say isn’t necessarily what I truly feel. I sometimes lie and say that everything’s fine, when it’s not. It’s a habit,” Kazuha added, pulling his hand back and looking away.

So it was true. Kazuha’s nature, the way he smiled at everyone and pretended to act all innocent was only a mask, a mask he put on so that people would surround him. Maybe, he thought by doing that, he could earn the affections of others that could fill up the hole in his heart. You felt ashamed for not being able to realize this about Kazuha when all he had done was read you like an open book, always knowing what you truly felt even when you tried your hardest to cover it up with humor.

“But you don’t have to worry,” Kazuha said, quickly sensing that he had caused a misunderstanding. “Everything I say or do around you isn't meant to fool you.”

“Then, what are they meant for?”

You could never forget the way Kazuha shut his eyes and smiled at you that day, sunlight glistening on his skin and casting a warm hue against his pale skin. You could never forget how soft his voice was when he answered, “They’re meant to make you smile.”

Now, looking at his sleeping figure, you wished that you could do more for him. For him, you wanted to become what he was to you. Someone kind, understanding, and charming. Someone who he liked. Archons, you were so selfish for wanting him to like you as much as you liked him-

“How long are you going to wait, Y/N?”

You were forcibly snapped from your thoughts when Kazuha spoke without warning. Your heart jumped out of your chest and you immediately recoiled, blinking in confusion. “You- you were awake?”

“The sound of your breathing was too loud, of course I was awake.”

“I- then why didn’t you say anything?” You demanded, looking away to hide the blush that you knew had spread across your entire face at this point.

Kazuha reached up to brush the maple leaf off his own head. “I wanted to see what you would do.”

He was laughing. You swore that one day, you’d do something — anything — to hear that laugh again. But right now, he was getting on your nerves. This bastard. He was teasing you again.

You whipped around in protest, not caring that your blush was in full view for him to taunt you even further. “Kazuha! You-“

“I what?” The second you turned around, Kazuha leaned closer to you, eyes glinting with amusement. “Come on, please don’t leave me hanging.”

“Smooth talker,” you mutter under your breath.

“Me? I’m no smooth talker. You’re the one who’s too easy to tease.”

Oh. Enhanced hearing. You forgot.

“You… need to stop teasing me,” you managed to say without your voice cracking. Normally, when he leaned closer towards you like this, you would lean away by reflex — but this time you refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he had a certain effect on you. You stayed unmoving, although you were so flustered by his proximity that you started blinking rapidly. If anyone else were sitting in front of you, they’d think you were sending them a message using Morse code.

Kazuha smiled and placed his bandaged finger underneath your chin, angling your head upwards and leaving you no choice but to look him in the eye. “Why? Is it distracting?”

“I get distracted by everything. You’re not special.”

“Ah,” Kazuha said, trying his best to sound disappointed but unable to hide the small smile forming on his lips. “Am I not special to you? I’m wounded.”

You scoffed and turned your head away to hide your grin from him. In front of others, Kazuha was always calm and collected. But around you, he was cheeky. Childish, even. It was something that you found endearing. “Really? Are you gonna cry about it? What do you want me to do, apologize?”

“Apologize?” Kazuha repeated, bemused. “You interrupted my first good sleep in days, Y/N. I’ll need much more than just an apology.”

Before your (very) slow brain could assess the current situation, Kazuha had leaned towards you. Again. So close, too close, that his cheek brushed against yours. Then, he whispered, his breath brushing against the shell of your ear.

“How are you going to take responsibility, hm?”

T-take responsibility?

Your mind did a quick evaluation of a hundred different scenarios that this sentence might lead to, and none were appropriate enough to be included in a conversation with your darling mother. Or even Captain Beidou, and considering how she rambles about Lady Ningguang, that said a lot.

Enough. He had teased you enough. You grabbed both of his shoulders and forcibly shoved him away from you. “Enough! I- I need to report back to Captain Beidou. You- you just continue your peaceful beauty sleep.”

“Are you implying I’m beautiful?”

“I’m implying you should shut up.”

Kazuha’s eyes widened at your sharp tone, before his eyes softened and his smile returned. “You seem to be in a bad mood today, Y/N.”

“Am not,” you huffed, placing both your hands on the ground to prop yourself upwards and leave. But before you could stand, Kazuha’s hand grabbed your arm. You weren’t aware that you were currently on stage in a soap opera.

“Don’t leave,” Kazuha said, voice so soft that it might’ve been mistaken as a whisper from the breeze. “Not yet.”

“..You need to sleep. You said that you haven’t gotten a good sleep in days.”

“I know. I’ll sleep. But you don’t have to leave, do you?”

“I’ll see you on the ship, Kazuha. I know you can’t sleep with other people around.”

Kazuha’s grip tightened, but his eyes darted to his side and he sucked in his lips. Was he flustered? You’ve seen him embarrassed when people compliment his poetry “skills”, but you had never seen him flustered, not even once. Was it because of you? Does that mean…

“You’re right. I can't. But you’re… you’re not other people, Y/N. You can stay. Please, just this once.”

With his pleading, how could you refuse? You sighed, returning to your sitting position. “Fine, I’ll stay.”

You might have been imagining it, but you swear that Kazuha had tightened his grip once more before letting go. “Thank you.”

Knowing that you’d probably set yourself on fire if you decided to look at Kazuha now, you decided to look around and admire the scenery before you. As an artist, you’ve always been the one to appreciate nature. You would admire all the petals of a flower and count how many butterflies you’ve spotted that day. But now, as Kazuha leaned his head on your shoulder and hooked his arm over yours, you couldn’t focus on anything else. Not when he was so close, not when you could feel his breath on your neck and his lips pressing against your bare shoulder. You didn’t dare move in case you woke him up again.

Maybe, just this once, you would ignore nature. Just this once, you would dare to intertwine your fingers around his without getting nervous or flustered.

Kaveh whined some more about how he couldn’t wait to see this surprise of yours, but you were no longer listening. You needed a moment of silence to lament on your stupidity.

That day, you were too busy chasing your college professors for recommendations on internship programs. Most of your friends had settled for an internship program months ago, but you had thought that it was a good idea to procrastinate instead. Now that the consequences were staring you right in the face, you didn’t exactly have the right to complain about it. You had no choice but to stay in the college building filling out forms and reaching out to different companies although your classes had ended before lunch. It wasn’t until you were writing the date for your fifth form that you had realized a rather important fact.

It was Kaveh’s birthday.

Correction : it was nearly the end of Kaveh’s birthday, and you had completely forgotten about it.

If there was an international award for the worst friend in the world, you would’ve made it into the newspaper headlines. Damn it. There was no time to pack your things, so you simply snatched your phone and raced to your college’s library — frantically pushing down the doors and ignoring how the librarian turned to glare at the sudden noise. Much to your relief, Kaveh was slumped on a beanbag at the corner of the library as usual. He was lying on his back as he held up his sketchbook as far as he could from his face, squinting at it.

Feeling a bit mischievous, you snatched the sketchbook from him and hid it behind your back. Kaveh immediately rolled off the beanbag to look up at you with a vexed expression. “Hey! What was that for?”

You snorted at his reaction, stepping back. “Happy birthday.”

Kaveh quickly scrambled up and sat back onto the beanbag, any traces of his previous annoyance gone and replaced with a bright smile. “You remembered? I- I thought you forgot…”

“You idiot, how could I forget?”

You did forget.

You were thankful that Kaveh couldn’t read minds, because his smile only grew wider. “Thank you, Y/N. I appreciate it.”

Seeing him so happy, you didn’t have the heart to tell him that you came with no gifts. Considering how popular Kaveh was, he probably received a pile of gifts from his other friends, which made you feel slightly better because one less gift wouldn’t affect him that much. Still, you felt terrible. You should’ve rushed to buy a gift before coming here. You were about to apologize about not having a gift, before noticing from the window behind him that the sun was starting to set. That was when you got the idea.

“You’re free, right?” You asked urgently. “Can you come with me? Just for a while?”

“Huh? Why? I do have a project that I need to work on—“

“Kaveh, it’s your damn birthday. Your project can wait.”

“It really can’t. The deadline is tomorrow.”

“…dude. Just for a while? You can continue it tonight,” you urged, glancing at the window behind him again. “Please? This can’t wait.”

“But I have an idea for the building design, and I need to draw it before I forget! What can possibly be so important?”

You sighed, turning your back towards him and crossing your arms. “Alright. I guess you don’t want your birthday surprise, huh?”

Three, two, one-

“…Birthday surprise?” Kaveh asked, his interest finally piqued.

You grinned. Got him.

“Why didn’t you say that earlier? Let’s go, then,” Kaveh said, rushing to your side with a childish smile plastered across his face. Clearly, you hadn’t actually prepared a surprise for him in the span of twenty minutes — it was more of a last minute idea that you hoped would be good enough that he wouldn’t question the effort behind it. But he didn’t need to know that.

You had led him out of the campus, and you had persuaded him to close his eyes as you led him to the “surprise”. You insisted that it would be more fun that way, but really, it was just an excuse for you to hold his hand and lead him to your destination. Again, he didn’t need to know that.

“Alright. You can open your eyes now.”

As Kaveh opened his eyes, you watched his face intently to see the sort of reaction that you’d get from him. First, his eyes darted over the row of sunflowers in front of him. You followed his gaze, turning your attention to the flower garden. Tiny droplets of water were clinging onto the petals of the flowers, dripping to the ground as the flowers swayed along the light afternoon breeze. You turned to Kaveh again, who was now smiling at something afar. You knew that he was admiring the sunset — the way the orange huges in the sky blended with the gray specks of clouds above and the green underneath.

Finally, he turned to you. Oddly enough, as someone who appreciates aesthetic and beauty, his expression wasn’t the happiest when he was looking at the sunflowers, or even the sunsets. It was when he looked at you — the corner of his eyes turning upwards as he gave you a soft smile. “Thank you for bringing me here. I never realized how beautiful the view is from here.”

“Yeah, no problem,” you said, trying to ignore how gorgeous he looked under the light of the sunset. Why did he have to be so bright? “This is my favorite spot on campus, actually. I come here pretty often.”

“Really? I’m glad you showed me this place then. We can come here together starting from tomorrow.”

Despite his seemingly content state, you couldn’t help but feel bad for the lack of effort you put behind this “surprise”. He must’ve tagged along with you hoping for an extravagant surprise party of some sort that you had spent the entire day planning — why else would you only wish him happy birthday once the sun had begun to set? That’s why, the least you could do was provide some sort of meaning behind this place. “You wanna know the real reason why I brought you here? It’s because the sunflowers and the sunset… remind me of you.”

“…how so?”

“They just do,” you said, looking away from him in embarrassment. This time, you were telling the truth. This was your favorite spot on campus, and the view did remind you of Kaveh each time you came here during the sunset, as much as you’d try to deny it.

Kaveh didn’t seem to be satisfied by your answer. “Is there any chance that you could, I don’t know, be a bit more specific?”

“Nope.”

“Y/N! Honestly, how hard can it possibly be to explain what you meant? If you can’t say it out loud, do you need a piece of paper to write it down?”

Your ears reddened, and you turned towards Kaveh to yell at him again before seeing how he was digging into his backpack with full focus — seemingly looking for something. Judging from the way his voice rose, you had thought that he was making fun of you. But looking at him now, furiously searching for something in his bag, you realized that he was being serious. This idiot was seriously trying to find a piece of paper for you to write down your thoughts and explain it to him. He really did want to know what you meant.

Sighing, you grabbed his arm to get his attention and stop him from aimlessly digging into his bag. “The sunflowers remind me of the color of your hair. Whenever you smile, you kind of remind me of a flower too. And the sunset… it reminds me of your eyes. When I look into your eyes long enough, I think it resembles a sunset like this one. They have the same colors as a sunset.”

You explained it to him in one breath and while looking down at the grass, wanting to get it over with. When you looked up to see his reaction, his cheeks now resembled the hues of the sunset more than his eyes. His lips were pressed into a thin line, as if he was struggling to restrain himself from breaking into a wide smile, and his eyes were so wide that it nearly stretched into a circle. How he could possibly still look so gorgeous despite his silly expression was something that you could never grasp. You’d look silly if you tried to look gorgeous, while Kaveh would look gorgeous when was looking silly. An important distinction between the two of you.

Kaveh parted his lips, and you thought that he was about to thank you profusely.

“You’re insane.”

You blinked once, wondering if you had heard him right. “Huh?”

“You’re insane,” Kaveh repeated.

You did hear him right, apparently.

“I…” Kaveh took a deep breath before continuing, “have received lots of compliments from many people.”

“Yes, Kaveh. I know that,” you said, trying to figure out why he thought it was a good time to bring up the obvious.

“But no compliment has ever made my heart race like this.”

You weren’t sure how to react to Kaveh complimenting your compliment, so you simply smiled at him. Then, you realized that your hand was still grasping his arm and you hastily let go. But then, you thought : “oh no, was that too abrupt? Was that rude?”, so you decided to pat him in the back to reassure him that you were not averse to touching him — and realized too late that there was no reason to pat his back, which made it a rather awkward gesture. For God’s sake, where did your brain cells disappear to?

Kaveh seemed to catch your nervousness, and he could no longer contain his laughter. He clutched his stomach and snorted, eyes shutting close into a crescent shape. “What- what are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” you answered honestly, wanting to slap yourself.

“I’ve never seen you this nervous before, you know?”

“I’ve never seen me this nervous either,” you muttered under your breath, turning away from him again.

For a few seconds, Kaveh was silent before changing the topic. He must’ve sensed your discomfort. “If I’m the sunset, then you’re the moon.”

“The… moon? Now you’re just making things up.”

“No, I’m serious!” Kaveh insisted, leaping in front of you to be in your plane of vision. “Not many people appreciate the moon’s beauty. At night, they’d rather stay in their houses, where it’s brighter. But there are some people who’d rather stay outside, where it’s darker, just so they can appreciate the moon's beauty. I think you’re like the moon. You may think that people don’t appreciate you enough, but you don't know that there are people who’d stand in the darkness for hours just to be with you.”

For a few moments, you couldn’t say a word. You had thought that you were poetic enough when comparing his eyes to the sunset, but Kaveh’s words had immediately reduced your previous speech into a kindergartner’s meaningless rambles. “…architect my ass. You should become a poet.”

“I wasn’t trying to be poetic!” Kaveh protested with a tiny pout on his lips, folding his hands across his chest. “I was just telling the truth. I would make a terrible poet. And for the record, I am never going to compliment you like that again. Ever,” he added hastily.

“Mhm. Whatever you say.”

“Hey, I’m serious! You’ll never hear a compliment like that from me ever again, so you better cherish it while you can.”

“I will,” you said, a smile tugging at your lips. “One is enough, anyway. Thank you.”

“I should be the one thanking you. Thank you for going through all the trouble just to bring me here at the right time.”

You looked away from him, unable to handle the guilt of lying to him. Did he truly believe that you planned all this? In fact, you were surprised that he hadn’t caught up with your lie.

“I didn’t go through any trouble, really,” you murmured, preparing to be yelled at by the blond. “I didn’t even plan anything. I brought you here at the last minute because I forgot to get you an actual gift. Sorry… I’ll get you something tomorrow, I swear-“

Before you could finish your sentence, you were cut off by Kaveh suddenly taking both your hands in his. He leant down so that he was at the same level as you and looked into your eyes with a tender expression. “Hey, it’s alright. You don’t need to get me anything. This is enough. You made me really happy today, you know?”

“…I did?”

“You did,” Kaveh said so softly that it could’ve been mistaken as a whisper from the breeze. “This is the happiest I’ve been today. I’m happy because you held my hand. I’m happy because you said my smile reminds you of a flower. I’m happy because you compared me to the beautiful sunset. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

As he spoke, he leant closer and closer towards you — as if wanting to prove to you how he meant every single word that came out of his lips. You wanted to look away in an attempt to cool off the heat rising to your cheeks. You’ve always thought that his gaze was like sunlight — his beauty so blinding and difficult to stare at directly — yet you found yourself staring right into that sunlight, not caring about anything else. If he was sunlight, then you were the moon that would never turn away from it.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” you finally managed to whisper, before finding yourself leaning even closer towards him. You could no longer control yourself. You presses your lips onto his cheek, one hand resting on his shoulder for support. Your lips lingered on his skin as long as you could, not wanting to let go of him, before you finally pulled away to catch a breath.

Kaveh was staring at you as if a second head had grown from your shoulder and introduced itself. “Y/N… just so you know… you just — you just kissed my cheek.”

You cleared your throat. “I’m aware of that.”

“…Is that part of your birthday surprise?”

“Yes,” you lied without a second thought. The way you could lie so easily to him was getting concerning, but then again, you’ve spent years hiding your blossoming feelings for him. You really should consider taking theater acting as a double major.

“Then,” Kaveh gulped before continuing, “what will you do on my next birthday?”

You blinked, not knowing what to answer. “I don’t normally plan birthday surprises for people whose birthday is literally a year away. Who do you take me for? I don’t even do homework until it’s the last day before the deadline.”

“Heh, you’re right. You procrastinate a lot. In that case, I have a suggestion for what you can do on my next birthday.” It was Kaveh’s turn to lean closer to you, until his lips were barely an inch away from your ear. You held your breath, waiting for him to say something — only for him to wordlessly pull away from you.

You stared at him, not believing what had just happened. “Huh? What were you gonna say? All that suspense and you said nothing? Dude. Hey!”

Kaveh had a hand clasped over his mouth, and although half of his face was covered, he couldn’t hide the red hue escaping from the margin of his thumb. “N-never mind.”

You grabbed his shoulders and shook him angrily, as if the answer would pop out from his mouth if you shook him violently enough. “You can’t do that! That’s not allowed! What were you going to say? Kaveh, I swear, I’m going to murder you-“

Panicking, Kaveh slapped both his hands over your cheeks and pulled your face closer. You hated how his sudden contact succeded in getting you to let go of him. “Next time, it should be on the lips!” he blurted out, practically fuming through the ears.

“…w-what?”

“…my project.”

“Huh?”

“I have to go to work on my project. Bye. Thank you.”

KUNIKIDA would pretend to not notice your change in demeanor, simply scolding you to stop procrastinating on your reports and calmly exiting the room. But as he closed the door behind him, he would slump against the door — sliding down until he was sitting on the floor.

How could he not notice? How could he not notice, when you were always the center of his attention even in the most crowded of places? At this rate, he practically knew your little quirks and details like the back of his hand. So when your ears turned into a shade of pink after he complimented your new hairstyle, it was impossible for him to not notice.

He would hastily remove his glasses and cover his face with his hand to hide the crimson hue forming on his cheeks, although there was nobody there to see him. After all, he’d rather commit double suicide with Dazai rather than show the world how you had him wrapped around your finger. No. Nobody can ever know how much he adored you — how he loved you more than he could ever love his career, his ideals, or himself. It was a secret he swore to keep until he drew his last breath. Unless, of course, if you decide to tell him that you’ve returned his affections all along.

The second your face turned bright red and you covered your face with both your hands, TECCHOU would become concerned. “Y/N?” He would ask, softly taking hold of your wrists and pulling them, hoping that you’d show your face to him again. Why were you so adamant on covering your face? You shouldn’t be covering a face so beautiful, should you?

“Why are you covering your face like that? Hm? You can tell me. Wait. Are you sick?”

Now panicking, Tecchou began to tug on your wrists harder. It clearly only took a single pull for him to overpower you. Now holding both your hands in order to prevent you from covering your face again, he would lean closer to inspect your red face. Please forgive his bold action, because it would take him a while to register that his face was a mere inch away from yours. Once the realization strikes, he would immediately back away — afraid of making you uncomfortable. After all, you were the person he cared about the most. He would take your hand and lead you back to his house while ignoring your protests that you were completely fine. There was absolutely no way he would leave you alone with a terrible fever.

JOUNO would be in an inexplicably good mood for the rest of the day — or week, even. “What are you smiling for?” Teruko would ask, suspicious of the man’s sudden change in behavior. “Did Tecchou trip down the stairs again?”

As a hunting dog, Jouno was known to offer only two kinds of smiles; the stiff smile resembling an opera mask that he constantly wore, or the sadistic smile that he would flash to his victims before completely ripping them from their sanity. However, today his smile was different. His closed eyes were upturned, forming the slightest wrinkle at its corners. It was obvious how he was trying to fight back his smile but failing miserably — thus the small dimple at the corner of his chin. This was the first time when Jouno Saigiku truly looked like an idiot.

And the cause of this, was none other than you. When he heard how your breath hitched and heartbeat quickened from his words of praise, he couldn’t help but feel a certain warmth in his chest. How cute, he had thought. They’re flustered.

He wanted to hear it again. He wanted to hear your stuttering replies accompanied by the rapid beating of your heart, because it would mean that he had some sort of effect on you that nobody else had. You, who was always calm and collected, was nothing but a lovesick idiot around him.

You had just received your test scores back, and much to your indignation, Kaeya had scored higher than you — by one percent.

“It’s the same thing,” you had snapped when he dragged his chair and sat in front of you, hands crossed on your table. “And get out of my sight, Alberich.”

“No wonder you lost that one percent,” he laughed, “you can’t even tell if numbers are equal or not.”

You had raised your fist as a threat that if he said another word, he wouldn’t be able to count with his fingers anymore. “You little—“

“Ah, Y/N and Kaeya!” The teacher’s voice made you lower your fist in surprise. “You two seem to be getting along today. Why don’t you carry these workbooks back to my office, yeah?”

After shooting your rival a final glare, you made your way to the teacher’s desk. You had grabbed the entire pile of workbooks before Kaeya could reach the desk — lifting it up so that it covered your entire field of vision.

“I— give half of those to Kaeya!” Your teacher urged, bewildered that you even managed to stand on both feet with that much load.

“No need, I can manage,” you lied. The last thing you’d want was to spend a few minutes alone with Kaeya, giving him a chance to brag about his higher scores. You had staggered out of the classroom door — tilting your head sideways in order to see the hallway in front of you, when you felt your burden lessen.

Kaeya had emerged from the other side, grabbing the top half of the pile of workbooks and lifting them up effortlessly unlike your lousy attempt to walk in a straight line. Your eyes automatically darted towards him to complain how you didn’t need his help. However, you ended up scoffing and looking away when the first thing you saw was the flex on his muscular arms peeking from his rolled-up uniform sleeves. Why did you even notice that?

“If you’re gonna say that you don’t need my help, save it,” Kaeya said, as if reading your mind. “You can barely see what’s in front of you. How can you even find your way to the teacher’s room? You’re so stubborn as always.”

“And you’re getting on my nerves as always,” you muttered, quickening your pace so that you didn’t have to walk side by side with him.

You heard Kaeya’s footsteps die out as you walked into the teacher’s room, placing the workbooks on your homeroom teacher’s desk while greeting the other teachers present in the room. Kaeya, despite being left behind earlier, had somehow caught up to you and placed his pile of books beside yours.

Before you knew it, he had practically jogged to the door and pulled it open. Holding the door open and stepping aside to make way for you, he flashed you a grin as he lifted an arm and beckoned you forward. “After you.”

Whatever’s gotten into him, you decided that it must’ve been messing with his head.

As you walked out, Kaeya had scrambled to follow you while walking backwards so that he could look at you as he started talking. “Hey.”

“What.”

“I’m… sorry if my teasing went a bit too far. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you know I’d never do that.”

“It’s nothing, Alberich. You should know by now that your words have absolutely no effect on me.”

“First of all, ouch,” Kaeya pretended to place a hand on his wounded heart. “Second of all, that’s a relief. At least now I know you don’t hate me or anything.”

You looked away from him, trying to ignore how good he looked with his blue locks framing his jawline and hands inside his pocket. You could never hate him. Not even when he was your sworn rival. After all, you’ve known each other since seventh grade. At that time, he was such a meek and kind young boy whose cheeks would redden whenever someone would compliment him. You could recall him shyly asking you to tutor him, and of course, you happily did every time. After all, you had taken a liking to that sweet boy.

Until, the tables turned. At tenth grade, the sweet Kaeya that you knew was gone — replaced by the Kaeya you knew now. Cocky and smooth-talker Kaeya, who had charmed around eighty percent of the girls in your grade. Smartass Kaeya, who had somehow managed to get grades as high as you, the smartest student in your grade. Lately, he even got higher grades than you — which irked you to bits.

But as much as you claimed that you hated his guts, you’d be lying if you had said that the sweet Kaeya you used to know was completely gone. You could still see that side of him when he would silently hand you his lunch when your mother had forgotten to pack you one, fleeing before you could protest. Or when he’d give you his umbrella and rush into the pouring rain without a word, although not before you could catch sight of his reddened ears.

And so, it was impossible for you to hate Kaeya.

“I don’t hate you.”

Kaeya’s eyes widened for a split second before he regained his composure and swerved to walk beside you. “Good. I sure hope not. You’re probably the only person in this world who I truly admire.”

You let out a loud cough to mask how you choked over his sudden declaration of affection. Looking away with your hand covering your mouth, you made an effort to not show him how much you were affected by his words. “Your sappiness isn’t going to make me feel better.”

“Oh? So you want me to kiss you instead?”

As you let out a cough even louder than the previous one, you wanted to sink into a hole and stay there until Kaeya was out of sight. Did he have to say that while he was walking right beside you, his shoulders touching yours? You always knew that Kaeya was a natural flirt. You couldn’t count on your ten fingers how many girls he had flirted with — winking at them shamelessly — but he had never flirted with you.

Not that you even minded. You had better things to worry about than not being at the receiving end of Kaeya’s flirtations.

“What was that, hmm? That wasn’t a no,” Kaeya teased again, this time as he playfully nudged you with his shoulder.

“Shut up. Why would I want to kiss you?” You murmured, cursing under your breath as the sound of his laughter filled your ears. It was no secret that Kaeya was the most popular boy in your grade, who would crack jokes everyday to make girls swoon over him. Thus, his laughter wasn’t unfamiliar to you. Unlike you, who reserved your laughter for special occasions where you felt truly happy, Kaeya would laugh at any given opportunity. That was how much that idiot wanted to be at the center of attention.

But you could’ve sworn his laughter this time was different.

Kaeya’s laughter was usually loud but controllable. He always let out the same frequency of laughter each time, and he could immediately stop laughing when the teacher would come in, as if he hadn’t cracked the joke in the first place.

But this time, his laughter was soft and uncontrollable. You heard him let out a soft chuckle and stop, but only after a few seconds had passed, he began laughing again, this time resembling a snort.

“You say that, but your cheeks are all red, Y/N,” Kaeya said in between his laughter, reaching out to cup your cheek with one hand. “It’s all warm as well.”

You swatted his hand away, muttering vulgar insults that would’ve made your mother cry if she could hear you. But that was also the time when you began to consider that maybe, the sweet Kaeya you once knew had never left you.

The second time Kaeya had offered to kiss you, he was the academic rival who you had sworn to never catch feelings for.

It was during your grade’s new year celebration. A crowd of students were at the center of the room, preparing to count down the last seconds until the new year, but you were standing alone — leaning against the railing of the balcony outside. You had never been the one to enjoy the company of others unless it was your closest friends. Being in social settings drained you, which was why you had escaped to the balcony when your classmates became too loud.

“You okay?” A voice beside you made you flinch, inching away from the person who was now standing beside you.

You didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. “Why are you here, Kaeya?”

“Same reason as you, I guess. Not a big fan of crowds.”

Not a big fan of crowds? The boy who was always at the center of attention wasn’t a big fan of crowds? Please.

“The great Kaeya, not a big fan of crowds? Who would’ve thought?”

“Aw, you think I’m great?”

“I think you’re missing my point,” you retorted, grateful that the lack of lighting was concealing the way your cheeks heated up. Still, you looked away for good measure.

“Sorry,” Kaeya murmured, unlike his usual loud and teasing self. “I can leave if you don’t want me here.”

“No,” you said a bit too fast, before clearing your throat and regaining your composure. “I mean, you can stay if you want to. I don’t mind.”

Over time, Kaeya’s arrogance had faded and was replaced by affection. The kind of affection that would make your heartbeat race ten times faster as he hugged you and congratulated you for winning a competition instead of bragging that he could’ve done better. You couldn’t fathom why on earth he would waste his energy showing you the sort of affection he didn’t show anyone else. But as time passed, you grew to accept it. You grew to…like it.

But still, you refused to like him. No. You didn’t have time for crushes, let alone a crush on your academic rival.

Behind you two, there had been a loud commotion — well at least, louder than before. You could only hear parts of what your classmates were hollering about. “…you two have been crushing on each other since forever!” “Don’t you think you should give him a new year’s kiss—“ “…come on, woman, shut up and date her!”

“I bet they’re talking about Childe and Zhongli,” Kaeya said. “Those two idiots have been pining for each other since elementary school.”

“What?” You cried out in disbelief. “No way. Them? Those two? Nope, it’s gotta be Jean and Lisa. Have you seen the heart eyes they give each other? They make me want to crawl into a hole because they remind me of how painfully single I am.”

You realized too late that saying something along that topic to Kaeya was the worst decision you’ve ever made in your entire life. As you expected, he edged closer towards you — positioning his hand on the railing in a way that it was touching yours. Refusing to admit that his proximity had an effect on you, you remained frozen on your spot while keeping your gaze fixed on the railing.

“The genius, independent Y/N, feeling painfully single? Who would’ve thought?”

“Shut up. If you say a word to anyone, you’ll never be able to hold a pen properly again. Ever.”

“Relax. I’m not as evil as you think I am.”

Behind you, the new year’s countdown has started.

Ten!

“Childe and Zhongli are going to kiss. I just know it,” Kaeya said confidently.

Seven!

“Jean and Lisa too. Just you wait.”

Five!

“I can kiss you too, you know.”

You turned to face Kaeya, catching the mischievous glint in his eyes as he grinned at you.

One!

Not being able to hold it in anymore, you burst into laughter, covering your lips with your hand to hide your wide smile. For a few seconds, Kaeya stared at you before his eyebrows began furrowing downwards — which you would never admit to him that you thought was rather endearing.

“I’ve been trying to make you laugh for years, and this is what finally did it? Y/N — hey, what’s so funny?”

“—it’s just that—“ you managed to say in between your laughter, “— no wonder you can never get a girlfriend even when you spend half your time flirting.”

“Wh— what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, normal guys don’t go around offering a kiss to every girl he sees. You’ll never get a girlfriend like that, idiot. You should only kiss someone who you truly like.”

Kaeya was silent again for a while, as if contemplating what you had said to him. Then, he looked away while murmuring something to himself.

“What did you say?” You asked, hoping that he’d repeat what he had said.

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Well, I better see if those lovesick idiots finally kissed each other,” Kaeya gave you a small smile before hastily shuffling back into the room.

You didn’t tell him, but in truth, you had caught what he had said to himself at that time. It might’ve been your ears playing tricks on you, but even then, the memory of what he said to you kept on replaying in your head — never failing to give you a certain warmth in your chest that you have never felt before.

“But you’re the only one I’ve ever offered it to.”

The third time Kaeya had offered to kiss you, he was the academic rival who you had sworn to destroy one day because he had completely captured your heart.

You had spent a whole year trying to deny your feelings for him, but all your efforts proved to be futile when your affections to him only grew stronger the more you tried to hide it. And so here you were — a pathetic girl who was in love with her academic rival just a few months before you two would graduate and move to different countries for university.

Although it might’ve been because you were too consumed by your romantic delusions that you started to hallucinate, you couldn’t help but notice that you weren’t the only one with a change of behavior. Kaeya, much to your surprise and confusion, had stopped flirting with other girls.

That’s right. Kaeya, your school’s resident flirt, had stopped flirting. No more of his shameless winking or excessive compliments to anyone he could set eyes on.

Instead, most of his time was spent with you, whether studying for the finals or simply chatting and fooling around with you. You had convinced yourself that this was a temporary situation only because he wanted to focus on his finals instead of girls, but a part of you couldn’t help but wish that it was something else. That Kaeya had stopped his flirting with other girls because he had eyes on one certain girl.

No, no, Y/N, snap out of it. Kaeya. Doesn’t. fucking. like you.

That time, you and Kaeya were sitting beside each other in your room, reviewing the economics topics that you both just couldn’t seem to grasp despite being the top students of the class. He had insisted on visiting your house during the study break to study with you, and you couldn’t turn him down because you had grown to enjoy his company. A bit too much, even. But that was something you’d rather cut off your own limbs rather than tell him.

“Hey, Y/N?” Kaeya had called your attention, and you looked up from your textbook to look at him — only to be met by his gaze that was so full of adoration that it rendered you speechless.

“Stop looking at me like that,” you snapped, looking back to your book in order to hide your face.

“Like what?”

“Like — forget it.”

“Like I’m in love with you?” Kaeya suggested.

“Yeah,” you had blurted out, before realizing what you had said and immediately covering your face with your textbook. “I mean— what—“

Kaeya laughed, reaching out to lower the book from your face. You tried to keep the book over your face, but you seemed to have underestimated the strength difference between the two of you. In the end, he managed to throw your textbook all the way to your bed, leaving you with no means to hide your blushing face. As a last resort, you slammed your head on your desk, ducking down to avoid his gaze.

“Maybe because I am,” he muttered.

There was a long silence before you registered his words, and you silently pinched yourself to make sure that this wasn’t another of your delusional dreams. It hurt. You slowly lifted your head up and glanced sideways to get a glance of Kaeya, because you knew that you’d lose all of your common sense if you looked at him directly.

“You don’t have to say anything back. I wasn’t expecting you to return my feelings anyway, but…” Kaeya paused to turn to the opposite direction, and you had to look at him to make sure that your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you. It was hard to believe that Kaeya Alberich, who had an ego that shot out of the roof, was flustered.

“I like you. I have liked you ever since seventh grade,” he confessed, voice so low that you would’ve missed it if you hadn’t been sitting so close to him. “I can’t help it. You were just so amazing. And you still are. You’re kind and genuine. You actually care for the people around you.”

“You don’t know that,” you found yourself muttering. It was hard to believe that someone would regard you so highly. For as long as you could remember, you had been gifted with academic intelligence that nobody could ever rival. That made you the subject of attention — but also an outcast. Your classmates would either be too intimidated to approach you, or annoyed by your existence altogether.

Whenever people would describe you, the same words would be repeated over and over, as if you were the stagnant character of a novel who was never meant to be a main character. “Y/N? Hm, she’s smart. Quiet. I know her, but I’m not close to her.”

Nobody ever was. Unlike Kaeya, who had a natural charm that made people itching to become his friend. Kaeya, who had described you as kind, genuine, and caring.

“I just know it,” Kaeya said. “You act so distant from everyone, but I know you do care. Remember seventh grade? You used to tutor me all the time, even when I didn’t ask for it. You used to be even happier than I was whenever I passed my science tests.”

He… remembered that? Even you couldn’t recall the details of what happened.

You wanted to tell him how much you had grown to like him as well. How you found yourself always searching for him the second you stepped into your class, or how you purposely changed your seating arrangement mid semester because you wanted to be his seatmate and spend more time with him before you graduate.

But why was it so difficult to say it out loud?

“You know why I suddenly got so smart even though I barely passed middle school?” Kaeya began, this time turning to face you. You found yourself staring at him as well, a smile escaping your lips at the sight of the soft blush and dimples on his cheeks.

“In ninth grade. A bunch of girls were asking you what your perfect type in men was, and your answer was smart men.”

You felt your breath hitch and your face warm up. That was — that was the reason why he became so smart all of a sudden?

“Don’t get me wrong, I was always smart. I just never studied. But then, I started reading my textbooks in high school. For you.”

You chuckled, covering your mouth with your hand. It was a habit that you formed ever since some of your classmates had commented on your uneven teeth — which had developed into an insecurity you couldn’t escape.

But around Kaeya, that wasn’t allowed. He grabbed your wrist and lowered your hand as his other hand reached to pat the top of your head.

“You know why I often crack jokes in class? It's because you rarely laugh. And I — I like your laugh. I thought that maybe by cracking jokes, you’d laugh more. It’s a shame that you never look at me. But I know you listen to me, and I know you like my jokes. I could see you smile even when you’re reading your textbook. Don’t lie, Y/N. I know I’ve grabbed your attention.”

He was mistaken. You had always looked at him, but only when he wasn’t looking at you. Whenever he turned to your direction, you would pretend to be engrossed in your textbook, but the trace of soft smile ghosting your lips couldn’t conceal how he had made your day.

Looking at him now, his lovesick grin made you unable to deny how you felt for him. “You have. And — you have no idea how much I like you.”

As a response, Kaeya softly hooked a finger underneath your chin and leaned in closer so that you could feel his breath on your face. “…can I kiss you?”

This time, he wasn’t offering. He didn’t say “you want me to kiss you?” or “I can kiss you too, you know”, as if kissing him was a privilege that he was letting you have a taste of.

This time, he was asking.

“Can I kiss you?”, he had asked, as if kissing you was a privilege that he hoped you’d let him have a taste of.

And that’s why this time, you let him.

You leaned forward and shyly brushed your lips against his. The contact made you so flustered that you immediately pulled away in hopes of pulling yourself together.

Except, Kaeya didn’t let you. He placed a hand on the back of your head and pushed you back to his lips as he initiated a second kiss that was far more passionate than yours. It was clear who was the most experienced one as he used his other hand to tilt your head sideways to allow him to press his lips deeper into yours. You felt your heart hammering in your chest, and you were grateful that you were sitting down because otherwise, your knees would’ve gave out and you would’ve melted to the ground — which wasn’t ideal for a first kiss.

After what felt like forever, he finally pulled away for air. His hand was still at the back of your head that you half expected him to pull you in for another kiss. You mentally slapped yourself for thinking of such a thing.

That day, you had put your stealth skills to use and dedicated yourself to avoid the mafia executive so that he doesn’t see a strand of your hair. Your strategy had been working, as you soundlessly slipped out of his plane of sight whenever he approached your direction. Then again, things couldn’t always go as you planned.

One particular moment had arisen when he walked right into the training room that you were in, and there was nowhere to hide. Desperate to keep your streak of avoiding him for seven hours straight, you had grabbed the closest person beside you and pressed your back to his, hiding behind him. That person, unfortunately, happened to be Tachihara.

And now, you were really praying that you had an ability to disintegrate yourself into dust as you heard footsteps approaching, accompanied by a familiar voice.

“Oi, Tachihara. Why are you standing there so stiffly.”

With his grumpy tone, Chuuya’s question felt more like a statement. You would be lying if you hadn’t noticed how Chuuya practically barks at everyone around him, but around you, he used a voice that was lined with a certain softness so faint that you wouldn’t have noticed if you hadn’t paid so much attention to him. You had never heard him use that soft voice with anyone else, and that thought would’ve made your heart warm up if you weren’t supposed to be mad at him at the moment.

“Oh. Well. That’s— I have cramps,” Tachihara said, more confidently than he should have been.

“Huh. Fine. Are you sure you’re not still injured from your last mission?”

“Nope. Totally fine.”

“Then get going. Hirotsu and Gin are already waiting for you. Again.”

Recognizing that there was no way Tachihara could stand there glued to the ground like a statue for any longer, you cursed in your head as you admitted defeat and stepped out from your living shield. “Let’s go now, Tachihara. We’re already late for our mission,” you practically shouted out, shooting Tachihara a wide grin as you grabbed his arm and began dragging him towards the door. You didn’t have to look up to sense that Tachihara was looking at you with an expression that translated to : “what mission, bitch. Why are you doing this to me.”

Then again, you could deal with Tachihara’s anger and rants later. On the other hand, you could not deal with Chuuya.

Chuuya, who… grabbed your arm?

As you turned around, you confirmed that it indeed wasn’t your own hallucination. Chuuya had stepped forward, the palm of his hand wrapped around your upper arm. You glared right into his eyes as a silent threat to let go, but it faltered when the look of his eyes registered in your head.

Contrary to your assumption, he didn’t seem mad. You had never been perceptive of people’s emotions, but you tried to read his expression anyway — was that confusion? Or… hurt? You couldn’t tell.

Wait, why’s his cheeks slowly turned into a light hue of pink — oh.

You were trying to read his expression, but he didn’t know that. He didn’t know what you were thinking, so to him, you must have been just… staring at him. With no particular reason at all. Still, that was such a petty thing to be mad about, even for someone who’s almost always mad. So what if you were staring at him? That wasn’t allowed? Refusing to look away first, you forced yourself to keep your gaze fixed into his eyes despite the slight turn in your stomach. Much to your relief, Chuuya finally gave in first, looking away with his cheeks still dusted pink. You unconsciously let out a small sigh as you turned your head to the opposite direction.

Has the training room always been empty? You knew Tachihara had walked out the second Chuuya grabbed your arm — nobody would want to deal with an executive’s wrath — but you could’ve sworn that there were at least five men in the training room just a few seconds ago. Now, it was empty with the exception of you and Chuuya.

You freed yourself from his grip, rushing to walk away before he could say something, but Chuuya clearly didn’t like that. He pulled you in with more force this time, and before you knew it, he had caged you between his body and the wall.

“…Why are you mad at me?” There was a hint of exhaustion in his tone as he spoke in a much lower voice than you both were used to.

You scoffed, the corner of your lips turning upwards. You couldn’t believe this man. First, he completely ignored you and walked out of the building from the sight of you, and now he was asking why you were mad at him.

He must have sensed that you wouldn’t be answering him anytime soon, because he didn’t wait any longer for your response and spoke again. “…Is it because of last night?”

Nearly choking on air, you turned to face him before quickly looking away again to appear indifferent. For the past two years, Chuuya had always been a lightweight who forgot about everything he said when he was drunk. He would go on a long rant about how he hated his ex-partner, Dazai Osamu, although you doubted the genuineness of his claim as he correctly pressed the numbers to dial him and fell asleep before the man on the other end could answer him. The next day, he would forget where he went drinking, let alone remember whatever he had said that night.

You relied on your past experiences to assure yourself that he didn’t mean whatever he said when he was drunk, and that he would forget about everything the following day. That was why you didn’t worry that your professional relationship with him would change, despite the… intimate moment that you two shared the previous night.

But then, everything you believed about Chuuya was thrown out of the window when he uttered those words. He remembered what happened last night? Internally, you were yelling a string of curse words that weren’t enough to describe your confusion and panic, but externally, you kept a calm and unbothered face like always. “Last night? What about last night?”

Chuuya raised his eyebrows for a split second, before switching to that cute frustrated face you were so familiar with. “What do you mean, ‘what about last night’? You— you were the sober one!”

“Nothing happened last night. I went straight home after the others left. You must have been hallucinating from that… one glass of wine you drank.”

“You— do you wanna die?”

“Sure.”

Nope. You didn’t want to die. But maybe if Chuuya was the one to kill you, you’d be willing to.

Chuuya narrowed his eyes, as if trying to read your mind. “…you’re not threatening me back. So you really are mad at me.”

“You’re a genius, Nakahara.”

“Y/N, look. Whatever it is I did, I’m sorry.”

A voice in your head urged you to forgive him, to tell him that he did nothing wrong and then step forward to embrace him — but the devil on your shoulder was cackling and prompting you to keep messing with him. It was quite obvious which voice you decided to listen to.

“Hah. Nice try. You can’t be sorry if you don’t even know what you did.”

Then again, it was a mistake trying to mess with Nakahara Chuuya.

You felt his gloved hand grab your chin and turn you towards his direction, leaving you no choice but to stare directly at his face again. “Then tell me what I did wrong, so I can apologize properly, you idiot.”

The last shred of dignity you had crumbled as you gulped, your heart about to pop out of your chest. Chuuya removed his hand from your chin, and you parted your lips to reply to him — but you closed them again upon realizing that you didn’t know what to say. Yet, under his gaze, you finally gave in.

“I- I thought you were mad at me. Because you just left- like, with no reason. This morning. I was going to talk to you, but you just walked out when you saw me. I thought I did something to piss you off.”

Chuuya’s eyes widened as grabbed both of your shoulders with no warning. “You— you saw that?”

“Nakahara, we made eye contact.”

“We did? You were too far away! I just assumed that you happened to be looking in my direction, so I thought that if I bolted for it, you wouldn’t notice!”

Sometimes, you wonder how the hell this man managed to be an executive with that brain of his. Dazai Osamu, you could see how he became an executive at such a young age. Chuuya? Not so much. It was as if he was a rebellious sixteen year-old punk with a pea-sized brain trapped in an adult’s body.

“You— you really think that people won't notice you when you dress like that? Seriously, I’ve never met anyone who dresses as extra as you. Even if you were in a room of a thousand people, you’d be the only person I would notice.”

After saying it out loud, you came across the extremely late realization that your last sentence could be taken in a romantic subtext. And in this position, with your back pressed against the wall and Chuuya standing right in front of you caging you against the—

Nope.

You cleared your throat loudly and passed through the opening below his arm, escaping the wild position you were in. “Anyway. So. You admit that you were avoiding me.”

“It’s not because I’m mad at you! Why would I be mad at you?”

“Oh, I was hoping you’d answer that.”

“I wasn’t mad at you!” Chuuya snapped. If he was telling the truth, it seemed like he was about to get mad any minute now. Fortunately, that was precisely your plan. You knew that the ginger would spit out whatever was on his mind tactlessly whenever he was mad. He might not want to tell you the truth, but as long as you kept his adrenaline running, his own tongue would betray him.

“Mhm. Okay. Sure.”

“Damn it, Y/N, I was just too embarrassed to face you—“

Gotcha.

Suddenly regaining the confidence and composure that you had lost earlier, you stepped closer to him, a smile gracing your lips as you stood on your tiptoes to inch your face closer to his. “Embarrassed? And why are you embarrassed, Chuuya?”

Before you could tease him further, Chuuya slapped a hand over your entire face, pushing you backwards. You could see from the crack between his fingers that he had placed his other hand over his own face, covering it while looking away from your direction.

You’ve never seen the executive lose his entire composure like this when he’s sober. It was… endearing. Cute.

Deciding to abuse this opportunity to tease him up to his limit, you removed his hand from your face, holding his wrist and gently pulling him towards you. Chuuya stumbled towards you as he removed his hand from his face, exposing his startled expression.

“Hey,” you let out a whisper lined with uncertainty, looking up at him even though he was so adamant to avoid your gaze. “…do you really remember what happened last night?”

Chuuya hesitated before he nodded.

“Then you also remember what you said?”

Another nod.

“So. You’ll do anything to get my attention, was that it?”

Chuuya frantically wrestled out of your grip on his wrist and covered his mouth with his gloved hand. “Shut- shut up! Don’t fucking say it out loud—“

“Well, you have my full attention now. So what are you gonna do, hm Chuuya?”

“Damn it, Y/N, when did you get so bold? You’re never like this. You’re always all cold and shit. Why are you doing this to me now?” Chuuya rambled, half of his words inaudible as he spoke through his hands. You had to deduce yourself what he was saying. “I never said anything. I never implied anything! You were the one confessing your love to me and all when you said your heart was mine—“

He didn’t get a chance to finish as you let out a loud cough. “W-what did you say? That night, you— you heard me? You heard what I said?”

“I did. Every single word.”

Now, it was you who turned into a flustered mess. “You— I thought you were asleep! That’s why I said what I said that night! Because you were asleep. No, I thought you were asleep. I thought you couldn’t hear me! That’s the whole reason why I said it. I would’ve never said it if I knew you were awake, you stupid bastard, why didn’t you—“

“Y/N—“

“—say anything if you were awake? No, you should’ve at least moved a muscle so I’d know that you were awake! Have you been planning this? Did you—“

“Y/N, stop talking and listen to me—“

“—purposely pretend to be sleeping so that I’d confess to you? Hah. I guess you learnt a lot from Dazai, huh? Unbelievable. You sick bastard—“

You paused when Chuuya clasped his hand over your mouth. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly, “this is quite literally the only way for you to shut up. Now, listen to me. Look. I never said — I never said I didn’t like it. What you said to me that night.”

You stepped back to remove his hand from your mouth and regain your right to speak. You had been hiding your feelings from him for as long as you could remember, but now that he heard what you said that night, there was no point in hiding it anymore. “So— what you’re saying is that you like me too?”

“What do you think, idiot?”

You really wished he would just get straight to the point and say it, rather than going in circles like this. What if he didn’t like you after all? You simply refused to make assumptions that might end up in you embarrassing yourself to death. If he really likes you, he should man up and say it to your face.

“I really don’t know, Chuuya. You’ll have to tell me.”

“…No. You can’t make me do this. I am not saying it out loud.”

“Then I guess you really don’t like me.”

“That’s- that’s not true!” Chuuya protested. He pulled his hat off his head and scratched the back of his head. “God, you’re so—“

“I’m so what, huh?”

You didn’t get your answer, because in one swift motion, Chuuya placed his hat behind your head and gently held you in place as he leaned forward to press his lips onto yours.

Chuuya had long known that he handled situations best using his hands. When dealing with enemy organizations, Dazai would always run that smartass mouth of his, coming up with bullshit to manipulate them. Although it always worked, it was a far too slow and complex method to Chuuya’s liking. Chuuya preferred to deal with the situation directly by using his hands to beat up the enemy into doing the mafia’s bidding. He had always known that he wasn't good with words.

Even now, that was proven to be true as he tried to find the right words to tell you how he felt, but with no avail. He wanted so badly to tell you how much he adored you, but how was he supposed to say aloud that he would purposely let a few bullets graze him just to feel your concerned touch on his forehead? How was he supposed to tell you how he craved your laugh more than the finest wine in the world, that he’d make a fool of himself in front of the entire mafia just to hear that damned laugh that you dared to keep to yourself?

He couldn’t. He was never good with words. And so, he used his hands instead.

When he kissed you, the world could have been swept away in a catastrophe and he wouldn’t notice, because his eyes were shut and all he could feel, all he could think of was you. Sensing that you offered no resistance, he deepened the kiss and placed his other hand on your cheek, stroking it gently as a desperate measure to convince himself that this wasn’t a dream too good to be true. That he was really kissing you. You.

When Chuuya reluctantly pulled away for air, he could barely catch a breath before you fell back into his embrace and chased after his lips. He could’ve sworn his heart stopped the moment your soft lips were on his again and you circled your arms around his waist, tugging him closer with a certain sense of urgency.

Fuck.

It was only until you pulled away that Chuuya realized he had dropped his hat, his hand dangling uselessly at your side. As if you weren’t the one who initiated a second kiss, you shoved him away while cursing furiously.

“—Fucking hell, Nakahara,” you spat out, turning around and burying your face into your hands. “You can’t just do that without a fucking warning. You bastard. I take back what I said. I despise you.”

Chuuya grinned, knowing that you didn’t mean what you said. He picked up his hat from the floor and plopped it on your head as he stood in front of you and bent down to be on the same eye level as you.

He had tried everything he could think of, stooping into all sorts of lowly tactics in order to get your attention. He had made sure he was always at your line of sight whenever he delivered the final blow to a dozen enemies, hoping that you’d notice his strength. He had racked his brain to find the smallest excuses to touch you, whether it was tucking strands of your hair behind your ear whenever you were too busy working to notice, or shifting his position to sit closer to you so that his shoulders would touch yours.

But no matter what he did, you didn’t seem to be interested in whatever he was doing — and it was driving him crazy. He felt like an idiot, being head over heels for someone who seemed so calm and collected around him as if he wasn’t even there in the first place.

Despite that, that didn’t mean you were ignorant. He had met countless people who masked their true, selfish intentions with fake kindness, and he hated every single one of them. But you? You were the opposite. You would act as if you didn’t care about whatever was happening around you, but would be the only one to ask him if he was okay after returning from a mission. Everyone treated him as some sort of invincible god who they could always rely on, but you treated him like the most fragile thing you had ever held in your entire life.

“You’re a fucking idiot. You shouldn’t run into an enemy base all alone like that,” you had murmured, cupping his face in your hands with such tenderness that he didn’t think he could ever deserve.

“I’m strong,” Chuuya had complained, shifting away from your touch because he would have melted into a puddle of nervous wreck if you kept on holding him like that. “I won’t die.”

“Yeah, no shit. But I don't want you to get hurt either.”

“Whatever,” Chuuya had looked away, hiding his face from you so that you wouldn’t notice his flustered state. He was too busy hiding the feelings he held for you — that he never realized the true effect of his actions on you.

When he tucked your hair behind your ear, you would freeze, heart stopping for a split second and butterflies flapping in your stomach. How could he do that so casually? But since he didn’t seem to make a big deal out of it, you decided to act as if you hadn’t noticed his tender action. If he thought it was nothing, then you should also treat it as such. You refused to embarrass yourself in front of him by overreacting.

Whenever he activated his ability, floating mid-air so effortlessly with that red glow highlighting his silhouette, you couldn’t help but watch breathlessly as he defeated all his enemies with that smug smirk on his face. When he turned towards you after landing on the ground, you would quickly divert your attention elsewhere, whether it was dusting off your clothes or pretending to move a corpse out of the way in order to walk away from him.

And when he would sit closer to you so that he was practically pressed against you, your mind would explode into the shameless mess of a lovesick schoolgirl. You act nonchalant, as if you didn’t even sense his presence there, but inside, you were praying that he wouldn’t tuck your hair behind your ear again, because then, he’d notice how red your ear had become.

You were in love with Nakahara Chuuya, and there was nothing you could do about it.

“I told you I’m fine,” Chuuya swatted your hand away, before tripping over a rock and falling to the ground. And he calls himself a gravity manipulator.

You sighed, lazily pulling him back up. You had lost count on how many times you asked him to not drink too much, but he would rather get run over by a bus than believe that he was a lightweight. Well, now he had his proof. He had only drunk a single glass of wine, but he was walking in the opposite direction of his house, unable to walk in a straight line as nearly bumped into a nearby parked car.

“Nakahara,” you used his surname as an indication that you were serious, “shut up and come with me.”

“Why are you always mad at me?” Chuuya groaned, staggering towards you as he leaned on your shoulder, apparently forgetting that you couldn’t support his weight. “I get injured, you get mad. I get drunk, you get mad.”

“So you admit that you’re drunk.”

“Very funny. It was hypothetical. I’ve been drunk before. I’m not drunk now.”

“Sure thing, Nakahara.”

“Stop calling me that,” Chuuya murmured, breathing against your neck and making your cheeks redden. You were lucky he was too drunk to notice anything. “I thought we were way past the surname calling.”

You pushed his face away, face flushed as you grabbed his arm to lead him towards the correct direction of his house, which he kept on insisting was the way towards the Armed Detective Agency. It was certainly not.

“It wouldn’t kill you to smile once in a while, Y/N.”

Says the man who only has grumpy scowl and smug grin as his default expressions.

“Really? That’s funny, because I could say the same to you,” you retorted, about the same time Chuuya slurred, “Especially when you have such a nice smile.”

You stopped on your tracks. Were you so desperate for his affection that your mind began playing tricks on you, making you hallucinate a compliment from him? There was absolutely no way Nakahara Chuuya would offer such a direct compliment to your face without turning away or insulting you right after. You sneaked a glance at him, who seemed to not realize what his own lips had just uttered.

Hang on a little longer, you’re nearly there. Stop blushing, damn it.

By the time you arrived at his house and unlocked it using the keys you fished out from his coat pocket, you were out of breath. Somehow, you still managed to drag him into his bedroom and shove him onto his bed.

“So aggressive as always,” he teased, looking up at you with those sky blue eyes that you loved so much.

“Shut up.”

You eyed him, wondering how it must be uncomfortable to sleep in that outfit. You had managed to help him take off his shoes and coat, but that was as far as you could go. Should you help him change into a regular shirt—

Mentally slapping yourself for coming up with a thought so atrocious, you decided to leave the man be. “Just get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You had just turned around to leave when you felt his gloved hand grab your wrist. Turning around in confusion, you found that Chuuya was at the verge of falling off his bed trying to reach you.

“Why are you in such a rush?” He grumbled.

I’m only doing this so he won’t fall off his bed and ironically die from gravity, you told yourself as you stepped closer to him — but that didn’t explain why you ended up sitting at the edge of his bed and why your hand moved to brush a few strands of his ginger locks behind his ear.

“Just rest, Chuuya,” you said softly. “I have to go now.”

Chuuya scrambled to sit up, accidentally bumping his head to the bed frame. The loud noise and the curse word that escaped his lips made you reach to the back of his head in concern, before remembering that something like that couldn’t possibly hurt someone as strong as him. You let your hand drop, aware that he was still holding your other one.

“Do you really have to?” he murmured, leaning forward lazily that you thought he might sink into your embrace. The mere thought of it made your cheeks warm up.

“Yeah.”

Then, he did it.

He let his body fall towards you, his forehead now resting on your shoulder. His other hand crept to your waist, pulling you even closer to him.

“What do I have to do so that you’d stay with me longer?” he murmured. “Just tell me what I have to do.”

“N-nothing,” you stammered, now suspecting that someone had put drugs into his wine. “If- if you want me to stay so bad, I guess I could stay for a bit. You— you don’t have to do anything.”

“Not for a bit,” he protested, still resting against you. “Longer.”

“Longer? Chuuya, do you have any idea what time this is? I might as well stay here for the night.”

“Okay.”

Your heartbeat quickened, not expecting his direct response to what should have been sarcasm. “D-don’t just say okay!”

He lifted up his head, and you instinctively looked away, but not before you caught sight of his face. It might have been because of the lighting of the room, but he seemed redder than he was before.

“Then what am I supposed to say?” he demanded. “I don’t know what to do anymore! Holy fuck, I’m so mad at you, you know that?”

“Mhm, and why is that?” You resisted the urge to smile because his hand was still wrapped around your wrist.

“You’re playing so hard to get! Who do you think you are?”

A hundred different thoughts formed in your head, trying to decipher the implication of his words. “…what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean. Don’t tell me you can dodge bullets from a sniper you can’t even see, but you never notice how fucking pathetic I am, always tryna get your attention like some lovesick kid. I’ve tried everything I could think of, but all you can do is work, work, and work. I don’t know what else to do anymore! What can I do to make you notice me? I’ll do anything for you. Honestly, how is work more tempting than me? Is work the love of your life? Because you’re sure as hell dedicated to it. Not as much as how I am to you, though.”

As he spoke, you could only sit there, heartbeat racing and cheeks even more flushed than him even though he was the drunk one. He… liked you? All those feelings for him that you kept bottled up to avoid losing him — he returned them all along?

That last sentence he said was the last straw, as you let out incoherent noises and buried your face to his chest as a desperate attempt to hide how flustered you were.

“Oh, so now you’re clinging onto me, huh? Looks like somebody’s in love with me. Well, it’s about time anyway.”

Sober Chuuya could never be this blunt.

“But too bad. I don’t have time for you now. Sleepy.”

“Wha—“

As if he wasn’t the one who was just declaring his desperation for you, he pushed you away from him, although with such a weak force that he ended up falling onto his bed again. Once his head met his pillow, he readjusted his position and… dozed off.

Did… this bastard really fall asleep after basically confirming how he was in love with you?

He was really too much for you to handle. Still, you found yourself sitting on his bed and not being able to stop smiling as you gently removed his gloves from his hands, careful to not wake him up.

You didn’t think it was possible for your feelings for him to grow even more, but you were clearly mistaken. You knew this as you bent down to brush his bangs out of his face and press a soft kiss on his forehead — a gesture that you would show to absolutely no one else.

He hadn’t moved, still snoring lightly — and so you took this as an opportunity to tell him what you could never say right to his face.