i wish i knew how to stop doing things i know will hurt me. sometimes it’s like i crave the hurt itself to feel more myself again. or like i feel so unhappy with myself that i have to find something else to fixate on and get upset over, even though it’s not a big deal or even something i should necessarily know about. i have a lot of good things in my life right now, an amazing partner, wonderful friends, a new job that pays better and is full time, im moving into a better apartment with an actual good roommate. i don’t think i know how to accept good things happening to me or that all the people in my life choose to be there and like/love me for who i am. i have to try and find a reason that they could be lying or spend all my time comparing myself to people in their pasts or other people in their life that im convinced i could never measure up to. i just want to believe that people love me and care about me without having to jump through many hoops to get it in my brain for even one second. it’s a lot easier when im around them, but the second im alone, i think that they must be lying when we’re together or that i did something irredeemably wrong when i was with them but they won’t tell me if they’re upset with me. ive been trying so hard to work on my anxiety and ocd surrounding reassurance so i do my absolute best to not consciously seek it or ask for it but without it i am sometimes left feeling miserable and so alone. like realistically i know if someone isn’t texting me back it’s because they’re busy or at work or with other friends and not because they see me and are consciously ignoring me, but i feel like such a bother. i feel like i’ll never be what anyone wants or dreams of. my own crippling insecurities draw me away from some of the best relationships (romantic and platonic) of my life!! it is so hard. i’ve also had a migraine for going on 4 days and it’s making it REALLY hard to be rational and positive. affirmation: i love myself for who i am, its okay that i’m not a fully realized version of myself, my partner loves me, my friends love me, my cat loves me and i love all of them. people like to be around me and will hang out with me if i suggest it, i will not let these feelings keep me from being happy with other people or destroy my relationships. i love people and i love the world and i love myself.
