Hello gang my name is NOT Odysseus of Ithaca you may call me nobody for short today I will be telling you all the truth about Achilles of Phthia since it seems too many people like him in this side of Tumblr so here is my reasons for why we need to cancel Achilles because someone like him doesn't deserve fame or glory. This is all coming from a reliable source within the greek camp so you can't doubt me at all.

1— kills people

That's just so wrong??? Like uhm I know we're in a war but he's just extra brutal about it personally me nobody have never done that in my life I think a good example of a GOOD murderer is Odysseus God he's just so handsome and charming and best of all he kills people in the halal way they don't even feel a thing he's such a good guy! God I need him.

2— owns slaves

Apparently that's wrong? Allegedly? I think? The kids these days are saying slavery is wrong so uhhh I would NEVER support slavery tsk tsk that's just wrong unless this generation doesn't mind it I mean uhhh take Odysseus for example he has NEVER taken a slave in his life and don't say Hecuba or Laodice or whoever else I mean uhm look at poor Briseis and whatever the hell the other one's name was uhhh I think it was similar to uh? Diomedes? Diomede? Something like that?? Speaking of Diomedes Ineeddiomedesofargosinmybedrn UHHH I MEAN THAT WAS THE WIND

3— blue eyed

Get your disgusting blue eyed blinding stare away from me making eye contact with this guy SUCKS it feels like my eyes are being burnt someone get him some brown eye contacts

4— blonde

Arguably worst crime on this list

5— Gay

usually I don't care about what anyone does in the bedroom but he makes US know what he's doing in the bedroom istg him and Patroclus be moaning WAYYYY too loud brother we are trying to SLEEP keep it down and if it's not Patroclus he has Antilochus in his room or even both and he be doing this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. like brother don't you get tired??? because WE definitely are tired of having to hear THAT.

6— manchild

Just look at this. God he disgusts me. Put the blanket down and get up and go FIGHT. Sitting in your tent sulking ain't doing ANY of us justice.

7— I don't like his son

Self explanatory, He keeps giving me— I mean Odysseus a hard time Achilles should've pulled out the fact he didn't and let this kid be born is bad enough by itself I hate you Neoptolemus.

8— he's so dumbbbbb

I HATE stupid people take Odysseus for example he is so smart and hot and intelligent

9— daddy issues

SKILL ISSUE 😂😂 I GREW UP WITH LOVING PARENTS AND A GOOD FAMILY 😂😂 ACHILLES YOU'RE SUCH A LOSER 😂😂

10— I ran out of reasons

He just sucks okay. Trust me on this one.

Battlefield:

- Second highest body count after Achilles

- Repeatedly alluded to as Achilles’s fighting partner (when they were recruited, they were referred to in the dual) aka keeps up with AND complements the strongest Achaean fighter

- Killed a demigod (Sarpedon)

- Throws shade like the best of them

- Loved by and best at controlling Achilles's immortal horses

- Apollo had to physically push him down from the walls of Troy to stop him

Public:

- Mends wounds expertly & keeps the wounded company

- “Equal in counsel to the gods” and “gentle” as epithets

- Shadows Achilles in his meetings

- Trusted messenger

- Has an entire book where men of the Achaean camp risk their lives to retrieve his body

Intimate:

- Cooks well

- Manages Achilles's slaves

- Able to understand Achilles’s orders with just a look

- Listens to him sing & counsels him away from the rest of their comrades (also has lovely eyes and a lovely voice)

- Takes care of his guests

- Able to make Achilles bend with just his tears

I think it’s safety.

Tecmessa with Ajax could have some kindness but marriage is mostly a guarantee that her son is a legitimate prince (like Teucer) and that keeps her safe

Patroclus makes Achilles swear to marry Briseis. Briseis being his wife gives her Stability and authority. Autonomy? No. But she is safer as a wife and more respected, not a punching bag

Neither are good fates but one is significantly more secure, for them and any children

I think Melantho has a similar outlook to Briseis and Tecmessa. maybe she loves eurymachus. Really loves him and can consent to his advances. But I think that she sees that marrying him, gaining a suitor’s favor gives her a chance at freedom. Even if the suitors don’t succeed, she still could possibly marry one and that gets her out of Ithaca and out of slavery