in this new language our bones say sun and sea

sometimes I wonder about you

how you feel about yourself

what portrait you are trying to paint

the paint you use for yourself is much different

than the beautiful portrait others see

you feel like you don’t have a voice

because who would want to listen to you?

you paint another shade of black over your heart

and whisper alone.

but I hear a harmonious song from your parted lips

and it draws me in with its serenity

color erupts into bloom on your canvas

from that quiet whisper alone.

you feel like you don’t have a friend

because who could ever love you?

you paint another shade of grey over your heart

and love alone.

but I feel cared for and welcomed in your presence

and I begin to love you as you are

your thoughtfulness paints another bright shade

from your selfless love alone.

you feel like you don’t have a shot

because who could find you intelligent?

you paint another shade of black over your heart

and ponder alone.

but I feel moved by your thoughts and insights

and I begin to learn from you as you do from me

your wisdom adds a rich background

from those deep ponderings alone.

yet, I know what you see when you gaze at your portrait.

it is all dark and black and empty and without worth

and you begin to wonder how you walked down the road of self hatred.

the truth of your portrait is far less dismal.

you are a work of art, dear, full of color and life and kindness and value.

you are beautiful.

I begin to wonder how I can help you see the same canvas that I do- the real one.

you yearn to see yourself in color

when I stopped believing

I was afraid of the uncertainty

The not knowing and the never learning

The promise of death being a stranger

But it is weird how

I never gained or lost certainty

The kind I had simply changed

And I know which I prefer

Before, I knew that I was saved

That I was special, that I was righteous

But how could that be

When all those around me

Wore the same kindness on their hearts

Without professing belief?

I laid awake at night, anxiety consumed

Counting all the lost souls

And wondering how God could love me so

If he had such wrath for the rest

It didn’t matter how saved I was

When other kind souls were damned

Now, I am no longer saved

I am no longer special, I am no longer righteous

I am like the kind souls around me

Burning bright in the present, in life

I lay awake at night wondering

What if I am wrong to not believe

What if my soul will receive

Wrath instead of love when I expire

But no matter

I will not be saved

For I stand in solidarity with my brethren

As another kind soul

BURNISH, BURN – a short story by Ari B. 

images: letters to milena, frantz kafka // masaan (dir. neeraj, ghaywan, 2013) 

so wuthering heights is one of my all-time favourite books, and i’ve always wanted to write a loose reinterpretation/retelling of the text through a postcolonial lens (like how jean rhys approached wide sargasso sea) because… well… heathcliff is Not White!! and a few days ago i figured, oh what the hell, and sat down to write it, and here it is! also, while wuthering heights is the text that’s informed this story, a prior knowledge of not necessary to read this!! click on the link above to read on medium, scroll down to read on tumblr. WARNINGS: period-typical racism, mentions of violent thoughts, explicit colonial violence 

First memories are hard to keep track of, but you think yours was of fire. 

 It comes to you in bits and pieces: the scratch of khadi cloth against your skin, the weight of a large, squarish palm bearing down your uncertain sprout of your shoulder. The hungry licks of the blaze, and the strange, pale pits that dwelled in the centre of each flame. Perhaps it was just a dream, or a twisted remnant of an old story that had wriggled its way into the fat of your mind. Still, you can’t help but think of it.  

Perhaps you need to think of it. The city you live in is cold and hard-cut, and the promise of warmth evades you. Like boxes that ring with an empty thud when struck, the scraps of cloth that you seize from a passing fair shake out damp and mould, and the crusted tureen of workhouse soup skims your teeth with an icy chill. And so you are cold, and as the chill creeps into the crevices of your flesh and forces your body to curl into itself, you are hungry. You are ravenous.  

The cook at the workhouse regards you carefully when you ask for seconds. You want to meet his eyes, to present him with the braised black of your gaze, but something in you catches and you look at the polished tack buttons of his waistcoat instead. He reaches down and places a hand against the flat of your belly, and says a thing that you cannot understand, that you later piece together to mean “hungry boy”. In an instant he moves forward, but you stand still, held by the phantom press of his palm.  

You are hungry, but which part of you hungers? The stomach, veiled and bilious, pulsating slowly in a sac of fat; or the umber skin above it, longing for the sun? You are hungry, but why do you hunger? A hungry boy is an empty boy, a void that begets sating. You finish the soup from the workhouse and sleep, a hungry boy thinking hungry thoughts: of the world around you like a slow-burning inferno; and you it’s grasping, hollow core. 

 * * * 

INTRODUCING: ARI’S WIP COOKBOOK! 

so i’ve recently noticed that pretty much all my WIPs (but especially anchor-point) tend to make extensive references to food– which didn’t exactly come as a surprise for me, given what a massive foodie I am fjalkfjsdlfk. but after receiving a few messages about specific dishes that I’ve allude to/described, I figured that it might be easiest for me and all of you guys if I just compiled all the dishes mentioned in my WIPs into a single g-doc for easy access… and THEN food brain kicked in and said “but wait…. what if you ALSO included the recipes so that people could make them if they wanted???” so… that’s basically what this is!!! a (hopefully) comprehensive guide + recipes to all the food mentioned in my WIPs!! I’ll be continually updating with new recipes as my writing progresses, so keep an eye on this link!! 

happy cooking, everyone!! 

(taglists under the cut, please ask to be added or removed!!)