self care, bitch

avid lover of lists, planning, and romanticising life.

the glow-up community is overwhelmingly women, and even though i am femme i am not one. do not refer to me as such even though i reblog things directed at women.

this blog is a post dump for self improvement related things. i do not endorse and will not be following any part of reblogged posts containing food moralising or weight loss. any reblogged posts containing the above have been reblogged for the other content.

all my posts 🌿 my dream self

tiktok 🌿 pinterest

So in the last year, I folded and started using ChatGPT. I know, I know, I'm a hypocrite and a kind of bad person for it. I still hate genAI, but I kept justifying using it for this or that, and since losing access to my Discord my reliance on it for advice and emotional support has gotten... concerning. I don't want to use it, but any time I try to stop, there's always something I can't figure out the answer to without it. Which is going to make this next part sound contradictory, but somehow it's true: it also doesn't give me any of the actual answers. I have never made a decision because ChatGPT told me to, but I have talked myself through a problem using it as a rubber duck. So it's literally useless while convincing me it's necessary.

Mindset shifts

Whatever you think about genAI in general, the fact that you used it means you got something out of it. On one level, it might be to look things up, but why not use a search engine? Because there was something emotional you got. So name it. For me, it's that I had a space where I could work through my thoughts without judgement and get validation that my ideas aren't stupid. It's a 'yes, and' machine. It also gives me attention whenever I want it, without demanding anything in return (besides me using it).

So, how can I find that elsewhere? Well, for starters, it's not actually paying attention to me. It can't, it's not conscious. It's giving me the illusion of attention, and I can do that without all the bad stuff by giving it to myself (either by talking to myself as myself or with immersive daydreams if I want it to feel external).

Have a reason not to use it that actually works for you. For me, the environment or the fact that it's plagiarism was bad, but not bad enough for me to stop using it. I needed an emotional reason. So here's what worked for me: using genAI is not the action of a smart person who thinks for themself, and that's who I want to be.

Replacements

Write down everything you use ChatGPT for and figure out a replacement for each. Put the list somewhere you can see it whenever you're on your devices, so any time you're tempted, you can look through it. Your list might be different, but here's mine.

Setting up creative systems to get me to actually do things - Combination of social media, using my brain, and asking the people around me how they do things.

Logistics and life planning - YouTube videos and writing things down. Pen and paper works better than Notion for a first draft because I can draw and connect thoughts easier.

Meal planning and food substitutions - Research, maths, and my nutritionist.

Double checking that systems I've made will actually work - Letting myself be okay with failure, trusting my decisions more, and being open to change.

Goal setting (for various things) - Brain. I know how to set a goal, I just don't always know the specifics right away.

Creating syllabi for my personal curriculum - Brain. Also seeing if I can find preexisting courses on the topic.

Finding products that meet all of my needs - Brain and relearning how to use search engines effectively.

Making sure a medical event in a story was written accurately - Fuck it we ball. It's fanfiction, it doesn't need to be super accurate. Also research (but make sure to clarify in the search that it's for writing and not because you want to kill someone).

Phrasing help (general) - Look up similar things for inspiration and/or ask someone for help.

Phrasing help (topics I find too embarrassing to ask a real person about) - Write it poorly, then wait a few days and come back to it.

Therapy/emotional support - Use my actual therapist (duh). If it's several days until I see her and it's something I need to work through now, I can call a helpline or write in my journal.

Interior design inspiration - Mostly Pinterest, maybe TikTok or Instagram if I'm desperate.

Asking specific questions about my religious practice - Rabbi, Rebbetzin, or conversion class teacher. That's literally what they're there for. For anything where I'm scared they'll see me as disrespectful, my friends who've also converted are also there.

Brainstorming - Reading more about the topic, asking the people around me, and if I really can't figure it out, coming back to it later.

Fragrance mixing - Nose. If I don't yet own all the fragrances, Fragrantica, a trip to the department store, and my imagination.

Artist recommendations (especially non-English music) - Ask someone who speaks the language. Or Reddit.

Planning my future (can't believe I deferred to a robot over something this important) - Ask my parents, a teacher or professor I like, or friends what they think. Also brain, obviously.

Any of the above - Rubber duck method/Feynman technique/pretending to be on late night TV, imagining the duck/child/audience/interviewer/whatever asking questions in response to what I'm saying, then clarifying until I understand it completely.

The closing shifts

Depending on how often and how much you've used it, you might have stuff you wrote on there you can't find anywhere else. I actually tried to quit in January, but this pulled me back in after a few weeks. To sort this out, take a few hours to go through every chat you've ever had, from the beginning, and write down a summary of what was said (BY YOU, not the robot). This can be copy-pasted prompts, key points that you know you would forget, whatever style you want. That document or notebook now has everything you need, and you can delete the app and close the tab for good.

Staying off

The I am Sober app has a chatbot option now, which is helpful but depressing that so many people are in the same boat. So if you find streaks helpful, do that. I especially like that there's a 'why I'm doing this' box, so you can look at your main reason whenever you want. I would also recommend any browser extension that blocks certain websites. The one I use (Distract Me Not for Firefox) lets you give yourself a message when you try to go to the websites, so for me it's something like 'are you a smart, ethical, and independent person or not?', which usually snaps me out of it.

---

Ever wanted to watch YouTube without the algorithm, but also make sure you'll like the videos? Well, there's probably something for that. But do you want that with the ability to switch channels like a TV? Do you have a couple of days to kill and then about an hour a week to maintain something? Well, let me introduce you to this thing I made. I wouldn't recommend you do this, it's very annoying to do, but super fun now that it works and I'm pretty proud of it. I feel like the only use other people would have for this would be if you wanted to heavily censor a child's media consumption, but I think it's neat and I like it a lot.

You will need:

An internet connection

A browser that is NOT Firefox (unfortunately it doesn't work, I've tried so hard to make it happen and it just won't)

A website you can code (I used my Nekoweb)

Either coding skills or the ability to Google every tiny thing you want to do

A programmable keypad to use as a remote (I used a Huion Keydial mini)

A way to make it look like a real TV, for example a CRT screen that can be used as a monitor for a mini PC (optional)

Time and patience

Method:

Go to my TV Guide and follow the steps at the top to set up the remote (I'm too lazy to say all that again).

Decide on your channels. I had enough space on my remote for 15 channels (reserving the 3 keys on the bottom row for pause, enter, and power), so I divided my consumption into 15 categories.

Code your pages on the website. I did one for each channel, most of which was a script that a) has a database of the videos i want with labels in comments so I don't get lost, b) tags videos I've watched, c) randomises the videos when the page loads, prioritising ones I haven't watched, d) loads and plays the video, and e) lets me change the channel. I don't care how you do it, you can steal mine if you want to make it quickly, but mine is really bad (like if the video has started I can't change the channel anymore) so if you have any skills at all I recommend you make it yourself.

Find the videos you want to watch and copy-paste the links (or if you're copying mine then just the identifier) into the database section. Make sure you add some kind of description so you can tell the videos apart.

Optional: Set up your mini PC and CRT, then plug in a real keyboard. Set up passwordless login, or make your password something like 'qwerty' so you can log in with the remote. Make your browser open to full screen on login and set your website to be the default webpage.

Start watching! If you don't like the video that the channel randomised to, just press the channel's button again and it'll reload with something else.

Update as you come across videos that seem interesting.

---

I have friends who vape, so during breaks between classes I tend to hang out with them in the smoking area. And as left out as I feel, I will not be smoking just to fit in. But that doesn't stop me from feeling left out. So, me being me (as in, willing to do weird shit and already known as an eccentric), I've decided to take it upon myself to pack a little kit of stuff to do instead.

Toothpicks

A few posts ago, I talked about having Pavloved myself into being able to study when I chew on toothpicks. I'm pretty sure it's because I started doing it to not feel left out at TAFE when people smoked, and then I just kept doing it into the next class so now I link the chewing with being in class. Anyway, I think it looks kind of cool (maybe a little cringe but IDC), and it gives my mouth something to do.

Bubbles

The original idea was to get one of those cigarette bubble blowers, but those are expensive and I like free stuff, so I have a regular bubble wand I totally didn't steal from my Mum's workplace. I don't know what to say about these other than that I love bubbles and it makes me feel included. Other people love them too BTW, it's so fun to watch grown adults get excited over something I did.

Potion bottle

AKA a tiny bottle of ginger juice that I sip on for the taste. I'm a strong flavours kind of guy, so it's good stimulation for me, and I put it in a fancy little bottle because I'm extra. I don't have a juicer, though, so I have to buy the juice (I get it almost a litre at a time here), and it's quite expensive so it's something that I'll drink 30ml of at a time until it runs out, then I won't buy it until I feel like doing it again.

Snacks

This is the obvious one. I won't always snack, since I only have 1-2 breaks per day and one's for lunch. But when I do, it's a very Pinterest inspired little tin full of walnuts/pecans, chocolate, and/or stuffed dates. My favourite stuffed date variation is soy protein crisps + almond butter + chocolate chips, by the way. The crispiness really helps sell that I'm eating actual food and not just mush.

Spices

For sniffing purposes. Top hits include a cinnamon stick, cloves, or a bay leaf (technically a herb but you get it). Sometimes I will replace this with a flower I found on my commute, usually a frangipani since so many people on my street have them, but since it's getting colder those are going to get less and less common. But my plague doctor ass sachet of spices will save me from secondhand smoke, trust me.

Cosmetics

So I've been on the very non-binary end of transgenderism for a long time, and I would describe the fluidity of my gender as kind of like pitch. It does change, but over months and years, not days and weeks. And for the past few months especially, I've been feeling a lot more masc, but I assumed it was the regular summer dysphoria hitting me and therefore I shouldn't change anything. But now it's getting colder again, and I'm still feeling this way. So some things are going to have to shift to match who I am now, not who I was 2 years ago.

1. Coming out again

They/them -> he/they. Also I'm gay greyro. Or (g)r(ay)ro if you will. I'd call myself man-adjacent enough that if you don't want to be following or taking advice from a man, you'd probably wanna leave now.

2. Tag usage

This is the bigger issue. I genuinely love the communities that have been made here, but as I transition away from femininity I feel more and more like I'm intruding in a space not meant for me. So I'm going to be using other tags, and they're going to be way less popular because this format of post (advice or diary entries with aesthetic pictures) isn't really a thing in masc spaces that I could find. Anyway, um. Here they are.

#effette - the only word that accurately describes what I'm trying to do with gender.

#perryism / #perryist / etc. - based on this poll I made. Might fuck around and make it into an actual list of principles later, IDK.

#it boy / #that boy / #becoming him / #boyblogger - for the sake of not misgendering myself, I will be coopting things originally for the girlies and twisting them to fit my evil transsexual agenda.

#softboy / #pretty boy / #soft masculinity / #gentle masculinity / etc. - mostly for reach and to reaffirm to anyone who's concerned that I'm not gonna become some kind of looksmaxxing sigma bro.

---

Set Experiments, Not Goals

Vision Board Magazines

All of Nutrition Science in 13 Minutes

What My Eating Disorder Took From Me

Strength Training Later in Life

Forget Your Reading Journal

DIY Mermaid Cyberdeck (got me into the hobby :D)

I Followed a 1940s Study Plan

Montgomery Ricky 'Director's Cut' (what an iconic album, ugh i love it)

Everyone Has Gender Dysphoria

The Only 7 Exercises You Need

I Created My Dream Art School

6 Tips to Stop Procrastination

Yannick Bertrand Takes a Gate to the Groin (not inspiring but hilarious)

Make Your Home More Analogue

HEMA on Your Own

Intuitive Eating [Playlist]

Should You Try to Lose Weight After an ED?

The Alysa Liu Mindset

One of the biggest lessons I've had to learn in the past couple of months is the concept of not doing things 'fully' just because I 'should'. Because often what makes me happy is doing things 'partially' instead of pushing myself past what I actually wanted in the first place. 'In for a penny, in for a pound' does not apply in a lot of situations, and while I wish I had learned this in an easier way, there are definitely much harder ways to learn it and I'm glad I figured it out before it got to that point. (At least the universe had a sense of moderation when it taught me how to be moderate, lol.)

No, I don't need to convert Orthodox, and in fact actively choosing to convert Masorti after starting Orthodox conversion has made me feel more connected to Hashem, the Jewish people, and myself. No, I don't need to do modern competition fencing just to prove that I'm serious, I can do HEMA instead because it's fun and focusses on what I actually like about combat sports (the history). No, I don't need to 'commit fully' to body recomposition and eat 'healthy' foods 100% of the time, because that isn't healthy for me mentally; I can move my body often and eat a variety of foods and expand my palette instead, and get just as healthy from that even if I don't have the 'right' body type at the end of it.

So, one thing about me is that I will start to learn a language for no reason whatsoever, then get bored and stop. Not kidding, this has happened to me with about 20 languages so far, and I'm sure it'll happen until I run out of languages. And at the end of it, I'm still woefully monolingual, having lost any language I don't continuously practice. RIP. Anyway, part of my issue is that I'll use completely different methods for different languages, even though I know which ones work and which ones don't. So here's a breakdown of what's working for me and what isn't, in the hopes that I can get better at making a plan that doesn't fall through.

0. English (native language)

Level: C2/Native speaker

Study time: 24 years (0-24 years old)

Methods used: full immersion and comprehensible input, followed by grammar study starting about 7 years in

The thing is, your first language will always be your easiest. English, I can imagine, is a nightmare to learn as an adult, so consider this as just a baseline for me instead of something to compare yourself to. Anyway, you can kind of tell what kind of learner I am based on this whole list, and the natural approach is a school of thought I agree with so it's worth mentioning my first language (the naturalest approach there is).

1. Norwegian

Level: B1-2 (at highest point)

Study time: 1 year (14-15 years old)

Methods used: As much immersion as possible (probably 6+ hours daily) with TV and music, reading for pleasure, engaging with the culture

This one got me in trouble once, I wrote an exam in Norwegian instead of English by accident. The thing is, I wasn't really even 'learning' it as a language, I just picked it up after being obsessed with SKAM. By far the easiest way to learn a language, and the fact that Norwegian is one of the easiest languages to learn from English probably helped.

2. German

Level: B2 (at highest point)

Study time: 3 years (3-6 years old)

Methods: Classroom sessions (games and songs), parents randomly switching into German at home, speaking as soon as possible

I was really young when I learned German, to the point where I was as competent in it as I was in English. The issue is that I lost it all super quickly when my Opa's condition declined and I no longer had speaking practice or lessons. Now, I can mostly read simple texts, but any language generation abilities I had are gone, and I kind of have no real reason to pick it up again so I don't mind leaving it.

3. Welsh

Level: A1-2

Study time: 5 months (20-21 years old)

Methods used: Say Something In Welsh program, listening to music or the radio (3+ hours daily), engaging with the culture

I would probably be a lot further in this if I'd stuck with it longer, the program was really good at getting pronunciation down really quickly and chunking phrases so you're not building sentences from individual words. I was just too shy to talk to strangers in Welsh when I got to the point where you had to do that, so I gave up on the whole thing. There was a lot of pressure to get your practice in on time, which is one other reason I stopped, but if you're interested in a language they have I highly recommend Say Something In for fast progress.

4. Spanish/Mandarin

Level: A2 (at highest point)

Study time: 5 years (11-15 years old)/6.5 years (7-13 years old)

Methods used: Classroom sessions (grammar and vocab drills, followed by tests)

I've lost most of both of these, but I got decent at them for a little bit there. I didn't really think the method was the best, and given that I had to study them (as in it wasn't by choice), I never ended up clicking with either. Overall, it worked, but not quickly or effectively and I wouldn't want to do that again. Maybe one day I'll get back into Mandarin, but not in the near future.

5. French (current language)

Level: A2

Study time: 9 years on and off (15-24 years old)

Methods used (so far): Duolingo, grammar and vocab drills, writing practice, unsuccessful attempts at comprehensible input

French has been my most frustrating language ever. Not because it's hard, just because I haven't taken mandatory lessons or been able to rely on a really great piece of media to keep me interested. The need is there, I just have no idea what I'm doing and I hate textbooks. I've been looking into getting more input that I'll actually enjoy and starting immersion classes, though, so I'm hopefully going to get better.

Analysis

Looking at this, it's clear I'm a comprehensible input and cultural engagement person. In every instance where I've been able to develop quickly, speak naturally, and have actual fun, I focussed on media that interested me and let the language follow. It also seems to be really helpful when I study and appreciate the culture, from food to holidays to history to even regional and national politics. Structured lessons only really seem to help me when it's more about speaking, and I know what kinds of programs I like now.

Application

Since I'm trying to learn French for life goal reasons and it's going badly for me so far, I'm going to apply my findings to that.

First, I wrote a list of well-reviewed media, taking special note of ones with active fandoms that might encourage me to engage more. I also found some good French-speaking YouTube channels that talk about topics I like. I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't get ridiculous input hours like I did before, since I'm in a completely different life stage now with a lot more going on, but I'm going to aim for 50% of my media time being in French. Which, now that I add them up, is still 2.5 hours a day, which is ridiculous for most people but is probably more an indictment of my screen time. Oops.

Also if anyone knows any French language musicians like the ones I already listen to (plus Chase Petra and Dazey and the Scouts, who I only found recently), recommendations are highly appreciated because I haven't been able to find a single musician I really like in French. Music is my secret weapon for language learning because I can listen to the same 1-20 songs on repeat for hours.

A lot of my interests (including ones I haven't been able to pursue as much) have a lot of French terminology and influence even in Anglophone spaces: ballet, fencing, cooking, fashion, European history, etiquette. Leaning into the French aspects of all of those things will help me anchor it to a real place, rather than just having it be a different mode of communication without a cultural context.

I got too busy to do my PPL split :(. Overall it's a good thing, I'm going places and doing things, but my workouts are suffering, like I'm struggling with my usual weight set that was easy for me a month ago. It's more an energy thing than a time thing, but I can only really exercise once (maybe twice) a week now, and I wanna make it count.

So I'm gonna try and condense my current split into one full body workout of just my favourites, which happen to fit into what this guy from my Youtube recommended said, who I've decided to listen to I guess. Anyway, he says you need 7 movements for a full body workout (a squat, a hinge, a horizontal press, a vertical press, a horizontal pull, a vertical pull, and an anti-rotation), but I'm gonna add an isolation movement because I don't wanna ignore my delts. I'll probably do that on the weekend and follow one yoga video during the week for core stability.

Full Body Strength

This thing I do that's like a cross between a partial dragon pistol squat and a curtsy airborne squat - 3x4-6

Dumbbell Romanian deadlifts starting at 10kg - 3x6

Dumbbell rows starting at 5kg - 3x6

Dumbbell bench press starting at 10kg - 3x6

Dumbbell single arm clean and presses starting at 5kg - 3x6-8

Scapular pulls (as best I can, I know this is my weakest area) - 2x5

High bird dog plank - 2x5

Lateral raises starting at 1.5kg - 3x8

(artists of these pieces, who you should check out btw: first, second, third)

Art cards, editions, and originals are having a bit of a moment on the internet. If you've ever wanted to get into art collecting but couldn't afford bigger pieces, these are perfect to start. They're these little cards (usually around 63.5mm by 89mm or 2.5in by 3.5in) with original art of any medium on them, and their size makes them super easy to store and collect.

I've been busy with technical college at the moment, but with about half of my class being artists of some kind, I've been inspired to get back into painting. ACEOs are perfect for this kind of thing, since they're small enough that each one doesn't take super long. My current project is called CMeYeK, a series of watercolour paintings of eyes restricted to a CMYK palette. When I get better paper that won't pill up when I layer washes, I'm thinking I might sell them to fulfill the dream I've had since I was like 11 of being a "real" artist.

Most of my art-loving classmates draw on pocket notebook pages in class, and when I offered to trade my paintings for their drawings, it kind of became a trend. Now, my friends and I have get togethers where we make art, then trade the pieces. I can easily imagine keeping them as mementos of our friendship and keeping them to look back on 50 years from now (even though we probably won't be friends anymore at that point).

[Notion link with the rules]

So I love a challenge. This isn't new. But when I first came across the Anti-Brainrot Challenge by the YouTube channel thisstoryaintover, I thought this couldn't be for me. 'I'm not primarily a modern book reader, so how can I find this level of diversity?' And then I realised that that's exactly why this challenge is for me. So that settles it.

For rule 1, I was thinking it would probably be better to aim for the beginner mode (15 minutes instead of 45), just so that I don't beat myself up for not doing enough. If I go on for longer than 15, that's great, but to go from reading sporadically to 45 minutes every day is a bit much.

I'm not a volume reader, either, I usually only read like 20 books a year max. So I'm gonna meet the mindful consumption requirements in as few books as possible. Here's what I got:

Theologus Autodidactus (classic, translated, SWANA author)

Gabriela Mistral: A Reader (poetry, Latine author)

Dark Emu (history, Indigenous author)

Arsenic and Adobo (thriller, SEAsian author)

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body (memoir, alive Black author)

A Million to One (historical fiction, non-Indian South Asian author)

They Both Die at the End (scifi, queer MC)

Howl's Moving Castle (fantasy, non-NAmerican author)

Tender is the Flesh (horror)

The Music of Bees (litfic, disabled MC)

The Hidden Life of Trees (science, essay collection)

The Prince and the Dressmaker (graphic novel)

If I checked correctly, 3 of the authors are white and 9 are POC. Here are some books with authors of colour on my TBR for if I read more books with white authors and accidentally tip the scale for rule 3:

The Memory Police

Crazy Rich Asians

No Longer Human

Madonna in a Fur Coat

Babel

Butter

Earthlings

Bunny

Giovanni's Room

Before the Coffee Gets Cold

The Color Purple

Never Let Me Go

Pachinko