ok so i'm feeling better now, and call me disordered but i don't think there's anything wrong with having body goals, and i don't think that it's inherently pathological to want to lose body fat given my circumstances. hear me out.
so a lot of how i was feeling in the very intense form of recovery i was aiming for was that i had to be perfect at recovery or i would fail my medical team. it was incredibly stifling, and any time i would express concern at my 42% body fat, i was immediately put on disordered behaviour watch and warned against trying to change my body composition. my history of using disordered behaviour to lose weight was used as a reason to justify not letting me change my body at all, and my physical health was placed under mental health. or rather, my material physical health reality was deemed less important than the concept of a slippery slope, so even when i was fine, my doctors acted like i was going to relapse again at any second, which became a self fulfilling prophecy. a lot of my distress and disordered behaviour came from the perceived conflict between weight loss and mental health, and that conflict came from the fact that morality was tied to food, but in both ways. so it was like
ed brain: you're disgusting and gluttonous if you eat more than x amount
moralising recovery brain: you're a slave to diet culture if you don't do opposite action on every food-conscious thought
and doing that was obviously freaking me out even more because i was making myself eat things that i didn't want to, or even made me feel unwell, for the sake of sticking it to my disorder. so any and all of my weight loss centred thoughts seemed way more reasonable because at least i didn't feel physically ill after eating what my recovery brain might've considered a restriction meal, but was actually just a smaller, more nutrient dense one. and the issue with that is that i was struggling to see the difference between a normal decision making issue (do i pick fruit or chocolate?) and a pathological one (do i eat or starve?) because they felt equally morally loaded. and when that happens, things escalate very quickly. it felt like wanting to eat more protein and fibre (even when i didn't set a numerical goal) was just as bad as skipping meals and using appetite suppressant drugs, because both went against the One True Goal of the Perfect Recovery, where you never care about anything other than what you want to eat right now forever.
where i'm at now is that mythical middle ground that i can't seem to access when i try too hard, but is kind of the way i naturally behave if i ignore the fact that i've been disordered before. it's the same point i was at when i was 17-18 (excepting the failed dorm room incident which was only like a month), except instead of being prompted by a complete collapse in physical health, it's an active choice. i'm choosing to be thinking about the consequences of my actions, but not letting them consume me. and yeah, sometimes that will include having an energy drink instead of a snack because i'm super sleepy and the caffeine will help more than carbs in this moment. i'm not in the habit of skipping meals, and i'm glad this round of intense recovery helped me notice my hunger cues a little more so i'm eating more often than my default was before, but i'm not going to try and force myself anymore.
and before someone says this is what recovery's supposed to be and whatever i was doing before wasn't actually recovery, this is literally what my dietitian and therapist were telling me was what recovery was. idc what you want to call it, whether that's recovery or healthy body recomp. like i literally don't care anymore.
