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@snyderman37

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>smart sleep beds
americans are just crazy
Stop making everything “smart”!
The most malignant examples aren't the ones that go 'inert' if you're not paid up, but the ones that make themselves universally unusable, like the above PERPENDICULAR MATTRESS.
Rich people live in a different world because the phrase "smart bed" sounds like a disaster. What the fuck is your bed smart for, if not to teach you a lesson? Only thing I need my bed to do is let me sleep. Which is no easy task already.
BEHOLD! THE VENTURE SMART BED!
>smart sleep beds
americans are just crazy
Stop making everything “smart”!
The most malignant examples aren't the ones that go 'inert' if you're not paid up, but the ones that make themselves universally unusable, like the above PERPENDICULAR MATTRESS.
Rich people live in a different world because the phrase "smart bed" sounds like a disaster. What the fuck is your bed smart for, if not to teach you a lesson? Only thing I need my bed to do is let me sleep. Which is no easy task already.
Rating the birds in my backyard by tendency toward violence
Northern Cardinal, 4/10
I'm sometimes worried the male is sexually harassing the female but I'm pretty sure they're just doing some elaborate public pickup roleplay. The rest of us didn't agree to participate in your kink, guys.
American Robin, 1/10
Literally just some dude hanging out. Never bothered anyone but worms. Big fan of the way you just stand there in the middle of the grass like you forgot what you were supposed to be doing.
House Sparrow, 10/10
You're a gang. You're participating in gang violence. There's ten billion of you living in a single wood pile and it's been civil war for three years now. When will the bloodshed end?
Tufted Titmouse, 1/10
A shy baby. A pretty little guy. I saw you on the neighbor's garage roof and time stopped. There were anime sparkles around you. Come back.
European Starling, 9/10
Why is it always you? Listen, I know, I KNOW the sparrows are the problem, and YET. When the fighting starts, it's always you in the middle of it, provoking them and then screaming like you're an innocent bystander defending yourself. I'm onto you.
Carolina Wren, 3/10
This rating is not for physical violence, which you don't engage in, but for your role as an incurable narc. A tattle tale. I know they're fighting again, okay? I see it. Our yard has been a warzone for years, you don't have to make a big announcement every time someone misbehaves.
Eastern Wood-Peewee, 0/10
If this were "birds who think they're better than everyone else," you'd get 10/10.
Red-bellied Woodpecker, 6/10
It's a utility pole. It's not a tree. You're surrounded by trees that are full of bugs. But there you are, on the utility pole. Committing vandalism.
American Crow, unrated
For who am I to cast judgment on the actions of La Famiglia? I assume you are doing what is best for the neighborhood. If I could, though, without criticism, make a single observation. That when large numbers of you gather in the ominous dead cottonwood - no? No, you're right. None of my business.
Great Crested Flycatcher, 5/10
Frankly, I think you could be doing more. I think your name implies a great potential. I think you should massacre the insects. I think your beak should drip with viscera.
Stay tuned for more criminal activity!
(continued)
Common Grackle, 7/10
La Famiglia does not suffer you to stop in our neighborhood long, and I trust their judgement in this manner. You have the look of a guilty bird.
Tennessee Warbler, 2/10
You keep to yourselves, and I respect that. I get the sense that you could defend yourselves if it came to it, though.
Brown-Headed Cowbird, 3/10
You're not a crow, and eventually they ARE going to figure it out, kiddo.
Gray Catbird, 5/10
Would you. Respectfully. Would you shut the FUCK UP.
Eurasian Collared-Dove, 0/10
You're doing great, sweetie, everyone loves you.
Red-Breasted Nuthatch, 4/10
A comedian. A little jester of a bird. You're so silly. Sure sometimes you incite violence in others but, really, is that your fault? If it is, we forgive you.
Blue Jay, 12/10
If you could learn any human behavior you wanted, it would be how to build a bomb.
Honorable mention:
Turkey Vulture, 5/10
You weren't in my backyard, but you WERE eating roadkill in the street in my neighborhood. I know the animal was already dead when you got there, but you get violence points for frightening the small children that walked past you. Incredible work.
This is why Tumblr is good.
I immediately scrolled to the blue jay to decide whether or not I wanted to read the rest of the post. Once I realized that OP got that right, I went back and read the rest. 10/10 OP.
I read this to my dad who sits on his porch and watches the birds and his only note is that he has seen multiple male cardinals attempt to fight their reflections to the death and should have a higher rating.
OP is correct in all of these assessments, and I respect it.
Thank you so much @fozmeadows !

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i’m so glad i’m alive in this era because we’re starting to actually linguistically study sperm whale language and may soon be able to translate it
The mammals' mysterious clicks contain a stunning level of complexity, a new study shows.
i saw this headline and wanted to take my shirt off and dance on a table
“How’s life?”
Me:

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ive done something terrible to my dog
kim kitsuragi
i don’t know what disco elysium is but i do know that this post made my brain do a quadruple take and a few wary squints
enough mpreg. give him mpostpartum depression
frankenstein (1818)
PLEASE look at my sister’s jack-o’-lantern, I am obsessed with him

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Albino raccoon
Quick, spot the main character!
it’s so weird how much of a raccoon’s… raccoonness? is tied up in its pattern. This looks like a completely different animal, some sort of weird marsupial.
@elodieunderglass for your collection
Thank you so much! The comment from @ayellowbirds is genuinely part of the reason I adore and collect colour morphs. Without pattern and colour, you’re faced with the surprise of the animal, like experiencing it for the first time.
(Our brains are so good at categorising experiences, that normally, as soon as we experience something, it’s absorbed, and no longer surprising; how delightful to find that we can be surprised by animals again!)
But it also helps you to pick out what’s REALLY inherent to the animal, what pieces of gesture and motion (obscured by colour, pattern or our own familiarity) are actually integral to the understanding of the true Beast….
The albino reminds us to draw raccoons far-footed, and as if they are wearing puffy fur coats that taper comically down each limb.
He’s right. Ten dollars for that much cheese, buying it is the only correct decision.