Vampiro Del Smug

every mercenary company has got that guy who insists he should fight with two daggers... bro get back in formation and pick up your pike

Imagine needing mortal weapons 😝

aaaaaand my flesh is being stripped from bone by a swarm of demonic insects. great. great! just fucking great. yeah guys, help yourselves. don't bother asking me! it's not like I was going to use that to you know, freakin' live or anything!

damn this bus stop is perfect. now if we could just find somebody to stand upwind of everybody and smoke a decrepit cigarette they found in a tomb

You say zat like Im not providing a service

Whats the deal with the shambling corpse thats been following us for weeks

Dont vorry about zat right now.

*introducing myself to the guards who caught me* seized to meet you

No vait let them go zat vas pretty funny

My job? I’m the bat enemy in 2D games that flies at you from a diagonal angle you can’t shoot in, it’s an under appreciated role but really serves to test the player’s understanding of the mechanics leading up to harder challenges. I also receive an intense smug satisfaction when they can’t hit me.

My claw attack is an arc, its actually easier for me to hit flying enemies, and I get intense smug satisfaction from healing when I deal melee damage

basketball dracula isn't real dude he can't-- *sudden squeaking noises from the shadows*

*two pool toys having sex tumble by in the wind* oh thank god

*thunderous slam dunk noise*

Zay call me count dunkula

count dracula? uhhh ok. one

🧛 nathing vrong vith me

hey so... when i was doing surgery on you... this is awkward... i found an evil bone in your body

Can I have that back actually

i was able to detect 5 recently divorced mothers in my area using the power of ley lines and this hall and oates cd

I could have done zat if I vanted to

Alright, quick, roll a dexterity saving throw

I got a 12, what does that mean?

Oh, that sucks. What's your AC?

Sorry. :( Dracula comes out of the scary woods and bites you on the neck like a big skeeter and you take 3d8 necrotic damage

One of these days im gonna successfully summon the Time Wolf and then it will have been over for you bitches

If you reblog my pinned post you'll receive a random shrine blessing

You said zat in the 60s too…

I know vhat I saw.