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i <3 when women characters feel they aren't able to express sadness in "normal" ways because they don't feel safe enough to cry in their environment so instead they opt for the more acceptable strong emotion of rage and they get recklessly angry at the people around them in fits of misplaced sadness and terror and make irreversible decisions and hurt others. i dont care as much when this happens to a man
Yearning for what you can never have is beginner level. Real yearners know the good shit is what you could freely have if you allowed yourself to, but never will.
i feel like i think about how both caitlyn and vi are insane in some capacity but looking at vi's actions in the show i feel like her crashouts are understandable in the sense of she's going through some insane ass shit each time that a normal person would not be going through so yeah i get her being insane and doing insane stuff b/c of the situation she is in
but caitlyn on a normal day is just insane. like she's already psycho and nothing happens to her. like she's just a psycho? she's crazy. she's been told several times by her boss to stop Leaving Her Post and her psycho ass goes up to the Hexgates anyway to investigate like whatever doesn't matter she could get fired she'll do it anyway. one could argue her getting blown up and knocked out at the tent could justify some sort of crashout but it really does feel like from her Clues Board that she's just always been a little psycho and the implication was she was always gonna go to Stillwater regardless of whether she'd been blown up or not. and she's been talking about this Grand Conspiracy for so long Jayce is like OK whatever. like on a normal day Caitlyn is Psycho
I can't unsee this...

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Speaking of vulnerability and Caitlyn.
I glossed over it in my previous analysis, but there's so much more i want to say.
I think my limited explanation and examples make it seem like when i talk about "real" Caitlyn, i'm talking about Nice Caitlyn. and whenever she's Not Nice, it's a mask.
it's actually much more complicated than that. The question you should be asking yourself when watching any scene with Cait, is how emotionally open she is. if it seems like she's holding her honest emotions back, it's the mask, and if she isn't, she's exposing her "real self".
another thing to mention is that Caitlyn's real self also got layers to it (BARE WITH ME PLEASE). being 'open and honest' and being 'emotionally vulnerable' are 2 different things. real Caitlyn is genuinely empathetic to other people. many characters got to see that side of her, especially in S1.
her being a warm, empathetic, honest person doesn't stop her from also being emotionally repressed. basically, when it's about other people's emotions, she'll gladly listen and offer support. when it's about her own emotions, especially when they leave her feeling vulnerable- she bottles up. So while all of the above are also "true" Caitlyn, only Vi gets to really see Caitlyn fully- by choice, as Caitlyn only really lets herself open emotionally with Vi.
here's an interesing example
This is 'real' Caitlyn, though she's desperately trying to put the mask on. Vi's betrayal hit her so hard she can't seem to properly get back behind it for most of the scene. She's on the verge of tears, and she actually lets herself be vulnerable for a second- admitting her hope that Vi was "different". but like i stated before, Caitlyn doesn't like feeling exposed. the betrayal shattered her trust in Vi, and so she tries to wall herself off. by the end of the scene, she stops speaking altogether, keeps her back turned to Vi, and leaves before she breaks down in front of her. She doesn't let Vi see her cry anymore.
'Real' Caitlyn privledges revoked. the mask is back on, and Vi is denied any further access.
I think we can all agree that is the least nice Caitlyn has been in the series. but she's also entirely emotionally genuine here, even vulnerable, despite trying not to let it show.
it actually leads to an interesting reading on the last thing she tells Vi before their seperation. What does she mean when she says "I keep telling myself that youre different"? A common reading is "I thought you were different from your sister, but you're made from the same cloth"- which based on what she says immediately after ("it's her blood in your veins") is probably what the writers were going for. But let me offer you another interpertation.
when you consider Vi being the only person in Caitlyn's life who ever really saw Caitlyn for who she is, how she's the only person Caitlyn lets herself be herself around, this could mean "I thought you accept me for who i truly am, unlike everyone else in my life". Bare in mind, despite Caitlyn being all over the place in the first act, and in universe she's acting "out of character", Caitlyn herself doesn't see it that way. her emotions, as negative and toxic as they are, are honest and real. and isn't Vi the one place Caitlyn can be real in? yet, in a very short period of time, Vi questions Caitlyn's moral judgement, questions her aiming ability, and compares Caitlyn to someone who Caitlyn sees as a monster. the first 2 especially are very important to Caitlyn, as she prides herself for her sense of justice and her aim. Vi seems to not trust Caitlyn with those topics anymore. therefore, in Cait's eyes, Vi rejects "the real Caitlyn".
Caitlyn is so reeled by this rejection that she decides to zero in on the other version of her- just be who everyone expects her to be. Because what's the point of being herself if the only person who loved her for it rejected her? and so, her act 2 spiral began.
There are 2 other scenes i want to point out in which Caitlyn talking about her emotions, without actually being vulnerable.
Caitlyn talks to Jayce about seeing the body of her dead mother, and how it makes her feel-
only to immediately cut this off with talking about how much she fucking hates Jinx and wants her dead. she doesn't let herself sit in the vulnerability of the first admission, or let Jayce comfort her. she moves on so she can hide behind her anger.
while Caitlyn's anger is genuine, it is an emotion she defaults to so she doesn't have to be vulnerable. We saw it when she tried to hide behind it in the breakup scene in the sewers. It appears in several other scenes:
"I don't need charity, councilor. Yours or my parents" Caitlyn is hurt by Jayce babying her and siding with her parents on her career choice. Instead of expressing that she retaliates with cold aggression.
"I knew it was a mistake trusting you!" Is an accusatory way of saying "i trusted you and played me for a fool"
"You think I'm so daft I can't recognize a contingency? She wasn't there for my benefit, she was there in case I wouldn't follow through!" Is an accusatory way of saying "i trusted you and you kept me in the dark"
"a memorial... what type of.... ANIMALS" Caitlyn's clearly distraught by the attack, so she starts getting angry and aggressive to cover up how helpless she feels. (Vi clocks that immediately and Caitlyn soon breaks and lets herself be vulenrable for real)
"No good deed can undo our crimes!" Caitlyn is disappointed in her past mistakes, and she hides it behind her anger at Jinx again.
This last scene, however, does have Caitlyn offer a sliver of vulnerability.
techically Caitlyn's almost talking to herself here, seeing how unresponsive Jinx is for most of the scene. it's even framed like a confession booth. But regardless, it's probably the most vulnerable she's been with anyone other than Vi. with JINX of all people. crazy, but i guess thematically fitting. and of course, she immediately goes to leave afterwards, because the moment she lets her guard down for even a second she has to eject herself from the situation asap.
That's what i meant when i said that Caitlyn rarely lets herself be truly vulnerable. even all the way back in S1 she didn't let people who are close to her an access to that side of her, and that was before the trauma and grief made it worse. even with Vi, Caitlyn rarely expresses her vulnerability in words, and when she does, it's indirect or all over the place. Its clearly something she's not versed in.
Caitlyn feeling uniquely seen by Vi is one of my favorite aspects of the pairing. I sorely wish that we had gotten to see more of Caitlyn's childhood and explored her weird girl loneliness. I know the writers had a lot of exposition to cram into S1 but they kinda broke the "show don't tell" rule by having Caitlyn just say "I'm a misfit too" rather than showing us what her isolation looked like. That scene with Jayce did successfully show us that Cassandra lords over Caitlyn's social life and prioritizes appearances and social politics over Caitlyn's happiness in that regard, but I wish they'd gone much deeper into that. It'd provide a nice stark contrast to her experiences bonding with Vi.
I definitely agree that she keeps her mask up around Jayce. She's real with him in the sense that she can drop her politeness and joke around, but he doesn't recognize her grit and tries to coddle her like she's still a 15 year old. I don't think she trusts him to understand her inner self.
Caitlyn is only midly annoyed when Vi initially tries to demean her by treating her like a naive princess. I think she's used to that kind of treatment, especially on the job. But then the name "cupcake" changes from mocking to genuinely affectionate. Vi doesn't give a shit about appearances or politeness, and she recognizes Caitlyn's toughness and sees her like no one else.
How great would it be to be able to contrast that with a scene of Caitlyn being a sad little reject in her gilded cage as a child?
when you consider Caitlyn's lonliness and how she doesn't let herself open to anyone else in her life, her decisions in s1 and 2 make a lot more sense. People like to joke about Caitlyn being "down bad" for Vi after like 2 days of knowing her, about how she "folded" when she heard the word 'Cupcake', as if these are silly little quirks because Caitlyn is so Gay and Relatable. It removes a lot of depth from her character tbh. She's not some desperate horny lesbian, she's a lonely person who felt recognized for the first time in her life. In all the times she verbally opens up (i can only think of 3 times she does: rain scene, after the memorial attack, and the end of the show) she does 1 thing: ask Vi to stay with her. It means so much to her that's the only thing she's pushing herself to verbalize. Why does she want Vi to stay with her so bad? Because Vi sees her for herself. Caitlyn's life without Vi is shown to us in act 2 of season 2. She's miserable.
To be fair to the fandom, the show doesnt really allow us too much of an insight into Caitlyn's inner world, unlike it does for Vi and Jinx, or even Viktor. her perspective is always secondary to Vi's (and Jinx's) in the eyes of fans, since its never fully spelled out to us. It's also so interesting to me cause the way Caitlyn's emotions are *framed* is like how she treats them- hidden, shameful. I'm convinced it's a concious decision on the show's part, but it also creates a barrier between her and the audience- She's emotionally closed off to us as well, which makes her a lot less relatable to a lot of the fandom. hmm.. I can already feel another post brewing.
you know cait will be reading toe-curling porn right next to her oblivious sleeping gf
alrighty, after my previous analysis-es, I want to take a look at Vi and Caitlyn's interactions, specifically their dialog, throughout the show. precisely because it actually is very different than their touch language, in particular on Caitlyn's end.
I think no one would be surprised to learn that Vi is a very openly emotional person. Not only does she allow herself to be consumed by her feelings unabashedly
but she's also in touch enough with herself to effectively verbally communicate how she feels.
That last part throws a lot of people off- because Vi does have some walls she put up for proterction, in particular in front of strangers. I think her aggressive attitude and tendency to run away make people mistakenly assume she's a closed off person, but she most definitely isn't. People who are close to Vi get to see her be vulnerable- Caitlyn, Jinx, Ekko, Vander, and ever Loris. When Vi feels an emotion, she doesn't try to bury or hide it- she let's it come to the surface.
Cut to her Very emotionally repressed girlfriend, who not only buries her emotions on the regular, but also is completely clueless on how to voice them. when Caitlyn wants to express how she feels, she usually talks about the matter-of-fact, the dry details, to imply what she actually wants to say. that's why analyzing Caitlyn feels like decoding a cryptid message.
I think a lot of people miss this detail, because both Caitlyn and Vi are direct and honest people. the difference is, Vi is direct and honest through and through- whether the subject matter is casual or extremely sensetive to her. Caitlyn's directness comes in her matter of fact-ness. when it comes to subjects that are about her own emotions, she doesn't lie- but she often talks indirectly, or chooses to not speak at all.
and that's why Caitvi work so well- because Vi absolutely gets what Caitlyn is trying to say. she is a master at decoding Caitlyn's indirect backhanded language. and that's a big reason why Caitlyn feels so seen by Vi.
Just like ther touch language, the way each girl expresses herself verbally has direct ties to how they were raised.
Let's start by examining Caitlyn and her dad. Supposedly, according to the fandom, Cait's dad is the parent who gets her the most. well, maybe when the competition is Cassandra Kiramman, this isn't such a high praise. I'd argue neither one of Caitlyn's parents truly get her. In general, the Kirammans seem to not quite be able to communicate in a vulnerable way, despite clearly loving each other.
in this scene, Caitlyn is trying to express a very clear message to her dad.
translation: I feel guilty for Mother's death.
you'll notice she states a fact ("I had the shot") instead of openly expressing how she feels.
in return, her dad either 1. doesn't get that subtext from what she's saying, or 2. agrees with the subtext and decides not to challenge it. because I don't think Tobias is a bad parent, i'll go with the first option. But it still leaves Caitlyn feeling misunderstood, and her emotional needs unmet. it's not entirely Tobias' fault- he's grieving too, and his daughter isn't exactly spelling it out for him. But if anything, this scene shows you exactly how the Kirammans operate an emotionally raw situation- that is to say. they don't.
(Caitlyn also has no idea how to comfort her father)
compare this to the environment Vi grew up in.
Vi was always an open person- we see it in the way she openly grieves her parents in the very first scene in the show.
She was later raised by Vander, who himself was an honest man. Here's young Vi talking to her dad:
during their conversations, both Vi and Vander are communicating openly. Vi feels like she can be vulnerable around Vander, and he in turn takes her seriously, doesn't try to hide things from her just because they might hurt. that is the complete opposite to how Caitlyn was raised- she was protected, but also coddled. Vi expreienced the harsh reality growing up, but she had a mentor who was honest with her and gave her a place she could emotionally express herself. Caitlyn grew up being kept away from any pain or danger- away from the "real world"- but in return her mentors were much less emotionally available, and prioritized composure over vulnerabilty.
here's what happens when these 2 very different upbrinings clash.
Caitlyn is delivering one of her most vulnerable dialogs on screen, yet she keeps it to the facts; on the surface, she is talking about the literal vacuum her mother left, that she's now expected to fill- the legacy and responsibilty she enherited. however, the subtext here is Caitlyn trying to express the sadness, the loss and the grief she feels. Vi, who is used to open communication, sees through the first layer and addresses the subtext head on.
and so, Caitlyn feels seen, understood, despite never actually saying anything directly. Vi meets her at her own level, and Vi knows how to effectively comfort her.
most of Vi and Cait's scenes together are ruled by this dynamic seen above. Vi is the open one, leading most of their dialog. she will bring up things that hurt. she will say the quiet part out loud. she will confront the problem head on. on the other hand, Caitlyn is usually on the back foot of the dialog, replying rather than initiating. her words are short and indirect. more often than not, she stays silent.
let's look at some more examples.
im this scene, Vi, as usual, wears her heart on her sleeve. she expresses her biggest fear to Caitlyn- "everyone in my life has changed", and clearly communicates what she needs- "promise me you won't change". right before this scene, she apologizes to Caitlyn for her loss, relating to her pain- "I'm so sorry about your mother, I'm sorry I can't bring her back".
Caitlyn, uhh, well...
she starts the scene in her dry, militant way, and as Vi gets more emotional, she gets quieter and quieter. this gif is the last time she speaks in this scene, before her infamously cryptic "I won't". her words are unclear or sticking to facts, making her almost come across as cold. and the thing is, Caitlyn knows this. She knows her words don't offer comfort- and that's why, in this moment, she uses her touch to comfort Vi. because Caitlyn struggles when it comes to verbally expressing emotions, but her touch is always soft and warm.
here's another example.
Vi comes in this scene and just bombards Caitlyn with accusations. notice how she addresses all of her issues directly: Caitlyn being "ungrateful" to Jinx, her distrust in Caitlyn, her disappointment in Caitlyn's professional affair with Ambessa.
as for Caitlyn- she's on the back foot, as she often is when it's a dialog heavy Caitvi scene. notice how she doesn't state what she thinks directly, instead she's being the queen of passive aggressive sass.
what she says are the facts. You didn't let me in on the plan, you had Jinx there because of a contigency. the translation: "i'm hurt that you didn't trust me." but Caitlyn can't just admit that openly like Vi does.
The only time Caitlyn drops her defenses in this scene is when she admits her awareness of her wrongdoings.
"I know!"
this is the only direct admition we get, and it came cause Vi pushed her all the way against the wall and provoked her, which is something Vi is notoriously good at.
the second time she admits it is here, and she's back to her nondirect, vague language.
she's referncing a mysterious "collective", to avoid talking about herself directly... where else have I seen this?
translation: I can't erase my mistakes / i'm just like you. but Caitlyn doesn't make it personal. this phrasing makes the things she says, that are technically more subjective, sound grounded and objective.
Vi, of course, is as direct and personal as ever. and again it kind of looks like she answers Caitlyn's subtext rather than what she's saying on the surface, though this isn't as clear in this example.
Lets circle all the way back to this scene.
I think in the overall excitement of the fandom upon recieving this scene, plus the memeification that it went through, we all forgot that this is an objectively unromantic and strange thing to say. On the surface, it's a dry fact about a military operation. But after reading through this entire analysis, isnt this just the most Caitlyn line ever? And of course, the subtext here is abundant.
Translation: i knew you would go look for your sister, and I've decided to put my hate for her behind for you. I understand you will forever love your family and I'm not asking you to choose between us anymore. And more generally, I'm sorry and I love you, at the same time.
And the best thing? Vi gets it. Because she understands Caitlyn's indirect language more than anyone else.
So, in conclusion. Why all this matters? Well, truthfully, I'm just sick of the constant "Caitlyn didn't apologize" takes, that for some reason expected Caitlyn to sit down and directly say "I'm sorry" to the camera. I hope I explained why making this claim, or worse, trying to "fix it fic" is absurdly out of character. If youre a Caitlyn enjoyer, why erase her unique characterization for the sake of simplicity?
Not only is it out of character for Caitlyn, it's also out of character for Vi to ever demand that of her. Vi loves Caitlyn and underatands her cues. Just because an invisible audience needs things spelled out for them, doesn't mean the characters need it too. Vi gets what Caitlyn is saying regardless of whether she says it directly or not- that's part of the charm of their dynamic. That "imbalance" in how they express themselves isn't something that HAS to be solved- they clearly know how to work around it. And to me, that makes their relstionship feel more realistic and fleshed out.
Now that we addressed the fans- doesn't this also explain why so many people seem to get drastically different readings on Cait? Unlike Vi, whether you pick up on Caitlyn's subtext and body language or not, you'll get a whole different character. I suspect a lot of people who hate Caitlyn only read her at face value, based on what she says alone. By doing that, they get a much drier, angrier character than she actually is. and of course, Vi's devotion and attraction to her makes no sense if that's the only thing you see.
(2023) I love College AUs, second to modern workplace AUs

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this too shall pass but the fuck was that for
Sometimes, when the situation is absurd, I look at the invisible camera to break the fourth wall and address the spectators of my life
vi and jinx doomed sisterism inspired by Willing and Able by Noah Kahan
iloveher
how Vi probably feels sleeping in Caitlyn's bed

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i was commissioned by a lovely anon to draw caitlyn from @camwolfe's wygig inspired by the sleepytime bear !!! ♡
oooops things are changing 😬😬
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