Talk

As the world becomes more globalised, so do we. Being in a new environment provides us with endless opportunities and forces us to engage with different parts of our minds. When we take part in world travel, we try different things, learn languages and, of course, meet lots of people! Understanding how to engage others in conversation is a skill on its own, but doing this in an unfamiliar place or in a foreign language is an even bigger skill. Knowing how to make small talk abroad can help when it comes to making new friends, finding a job, or simply adapting to a new way of life.

“I don’t know anyone, where do I start?”

When otherwise will you have such an open-ended opportunity to meet people and learning languages than when you are travelling the world? Naturally, everyone you meet will be a stranger at first, so the task at hand seems daunting. We have to start somewhere, and if you see all of your conversations as practice, you won’t regret seizing the opportunities when they arise.

There will likely be lots of people in the same boat as you. If you’re nervous about striking up conversations because you’re learning how to speak English or another language, chances are there are others feeling the exact same way. Travellers have many common goals: making new friends, finding a job, seeing the interesting things a city has to offer; you can connect over this! Try to be yourself and use your strengths. It can even help to share your small talk experiences with other travellers.

You can strike up a conversation about anything another person can relate to: general observation of the weather, the place you are in, your feelings or impressions of something that is not too personal. In the following dialogue two strangers, Tom and Sam, start a light small talk conversation that grows into a useful source of information.

Tom:    “I’ve been walking all day.” {Offering information}

Sam:    “Me too. I’ve been applying for jobs all over the city.”  {Replying + offering information}

Tom:    “Same goes for me!” {Offering information}

Sam:    “Oh yeah? Any specific type?” {Showing interest with a question}

Tom:    “I studied tourism, so something in that area.” {Replying + offering information}

Sam:    “Interesting! One of the tourism offices I walked by had a “help wanted” sign.” {Showing interest + offering information}

Tom:    “That’s great! Do you remember which street?” {Replying enthusiastically + asking a question}

Sam:    “Not exactly, but it’s right beside the swimming pool downtown.”

{Replying + offering information}

Tom:    “I’ll check it out first thing tomorrow.” {Confirming}

Sam:    “Glad I could help.” {Confirming}

Tom:    “I’m Tom by the way.” {Introducing}

Sam:    “Nice to meet you, I’m Sam.” {Replying + introducing}

You might be surprised at how many people are in a similar situation as you, once you start reaching out and making small talk!

Being helpful in a new country

How can you help others if you’re not 100% confident in your surroundings? Helping can be as easy as offering directions or asking someone if they’re alright. This can be a good way to start a conversation and make new friends.

In the next dialogue Maria helps Sarah find what she was looking for and at the same time makes small talk with unstressful language practice.

Here is an example of what a conversation might look like:

Maria:    “You look lost, can I help?” {Making an observation + offering assistance}

Sarah:    “I am a little actually. Would you know where the parliament building is?” {Confirming + asking a question}

Maria:    “More or less. Can I show you on your map?” {Confirming + asking a question}

Sarah:    “Sure. Thanks a lot.” {Answering + showing appreciation}

Maria:    “No problem. Here it is. Are you going for one of the tours?” {Replying + showing interest}

Sarah:    “Yes, have you done it?” {Confirming + showing interest}

Maria:    “I sure have, when I first arrived. It’s very interesting!”

{Confirming + giving information with enthusiasm}

Sarah:    “Great, well I better get going or I’ll miss it!”

{Replying enthusiastically + giving a reason to exit the conversation}

Maria:    “Enjoy!” {Replying positively}

We all need to help each other out from time to time, and try to be receptive to well-meaning strangers. If you’re hoping to get English speaking practice or practice speaking another language, offering assistance can be a great way to use your skills!

Active listening

Active listening is an important aspect of learning how to make small talk; people feel valued when they are listened to and are more likely to continue a conversation with you. Active listening is especially beneficial when you’re in a new country, as you can learn more about where you are! Show that you are paying close attention by asking follow-up questions or nodding during a conversation.

Thinking about what to say next during a conversation can be nerve-racking in your native language, and more so if you are learning how to speak English, or are using any tongue that is not familiar. You might find yourself continuously translating sentences in your head to be ready when the other person finishes. This is natural, but often leads to a disconnect in the conversation, it may also offend the other person if they get the impression you’re not listening. With small talk there usually isn’t much time to stop and reflect, as the turn-taking is so rapid. If you’re finding a conversation difficult, don’t be afraid to tell the other person to slow down, or to repeat something. This can even be a way to show you care and are intent on understanding what they have to say.

Here is a sample of good active listening and turn-taking in a new language:

In the following dialogue, Mike engages Carol in small talk and is eager to share his experience (going to a parade). While Carol knows nothing of the parade, she expresses active interest by taking turns in speaking and is not in the least embarrassed when she doesn't understand Mike clearly - she just politely clarifies the information.

Mike:    “Hi, how are you?” {Greeting + asking a question}

Carol:   “Fine, thanks. How are you?” {Responding + asking a question in return}

Mike:    “Good. Do you mind if I sit down?” {Responding + asking permission politely}

Carol:   “No, not at all. Please.” {Responding + giving light encouragement}

Mike:    “I’m just sitting down for a while before going to the parade.” {Offering additional information}

Carol:   “Oh? There’s a parade today?” {Showing interest + asking for information}

Mike:    “Yep! You didn’t know? It happens every year on this day.” {Confirming + offering information}

Carol:   “Oh, that must be why the park is so quiet.” {Making an observation}

Mike:    “You got it, everyone is at the parade. It’s for our nation’s birthday.”

{Confirming observation + offering information}

Carol:   “Sorry, did you say it’s your birthday?” {Asking a clarifying question}

Mike:    “Haha, no, I said it’s our country’s birthday.” {Correcting + offering information again}

Carol:   “My mistake! Sorry, I’m not from here.” {Apologising + offering information}

Mike:    “No problem. Well, now you know something else about your new home!” {Responding in a caring way}

Carol:    “Yes! Thanks for telling me. I’m glad I know!” {Confirming + showing appreciation}

Situations such as this can provide valuable English listening practice or practice in whichever language you are learning. Active listening can help with comprehension, and will ensure more successful future conversations.

Extraversion and fluency

Fluency changes when we learn languages, and this may affect how we interact with others. You may be extraverted in your own language but unable to express yourself as clearly in another. This can be frustrating, as it might feel like people aren’t getting to know “the real you”. Of course, to become fluent, you need to practice regularly; if you are learning English, you need to get regular English speaking practice and English listening practice, the same goes for any language. But you can also learn about some of the common small talk topics specific to the country you are travelling in. For example, do people love soccer? If you visit a country in South America, soccer will likely be a very popular conversation topic. It’s something that can be debated passionately, but also serves lighter purposes. Perhaps there’s a popular television show produced in the country? Or a special type of food? The list could go on!

Getting to know some of the local vocabulary, main ideas, or “lingo” associated to these topics can help immensely when you’re at the next social gathering and of course, to make new friends. Take an active interest in the culture, this will not only help you become more fluent and varied in your conversations, but will let others know you care about what they’re proud of.

Working in a new country

If you need to find a job in a new country, it’s important to know how people address one another. The levels of formalities used in a work environment can vary between countries; these intricacies are part of what makes world travel so interesting. In the United States for example, it is more or less acceptable to use first names with people regardless of age or authority, but may be completely unacceptable somewhere else. There may even be specific words for expressing politeness, for example, using “usted” instead of “tu” in Spanish for the word “you”. Learning how to make small talk can help when it comes to practicing formalities in a new country; it will give you an idea if you are using the correct expressions and addressing people properly. Watch for social cues when making small talk, and if it feels comfortable, ask someone for tips or suggestions.

When you go in for a job interview, you want to project a credible and competent image of yourself. The best way to look credible is to prepare beforehand, and practice your new language as much as you can. Striking up conversations with people can help you be more successful when it comes time to speak in an interview. Chatting to strangers in a new country might even lead to job opportunities. Networking is important everywhere, and especially so if you find yourself with a small or non-existent contact base.

Body language can be helpful and confusing!

When we decide to engage in conversations, it’s usually because we more or less trust the other person and believe they have a certain degree of credibility. It can be much harder to assess someone’s credibility and make a judgement if you can’t understand exactly what they’re saying. A person’s body language might even contradict what you think they mean, or perhaps the body language used in that country is slightly different from what you’re used to. Perspective-taking will help you think about someone’s motives for having a conversation, and can be an interesting and revealing exercise. It should, however, only be used to a certain extent; as we can’t rely on it to tell us everything about a person.

You will likely need to rely more on your own body language when experiencing world travel in order to be fully understood. If you’re learning how to speak English or another language, body language can help immensely. Much of what others interpret about us comes down to how we project ourselves physically, and more so when there is a language or cultural barrier. If you’re looking to make new friends, want to practice your new language, or need help, try to use open body-language: smiling, eye-contact, uncrossing your arms and so on.

Inclusive topics and turn-taking

The Oxford dictionary defines small talk as “Polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters.” For the sake of small talk, it is better to stay on topics that everyone can relate to and talk about with little effort. Of course, it’s impossible to know how every person you talk to will react, perhaps especially when you’re in a new country with different expectations, but paying close attention to visual cues can help.

This is another reason turn-taking is essential when making small talk - it allows both people to direct the conversation. If you feel like the conversation is becoming one-sided or the other person is not comfortable with the topic, take a moment to refresh. Turn-taking can also help you learn new languages more efficiently. For example, if you are visiting an English-speaking country and practicing turn-taking, you will get an equal amount of English listening practice and English speaking practice; both are very important for becoming fluent in a new language.

Travelling is an opportune time to practice new skills and keep old skills sharp. Getting out of your comfort zone can be, well, uncomfortable, but it can be highly rewarding at the same time. Make the most of your travels by reaching out to people and learning about new cultures. Get listening and speaking practice by seizing small talk opportunities when they arise. Whether you’re learning how to speak English, practicing another language, or travelling to a country that speaks your native language, small talk can be the bridge between you can the rest of the world!

“Travel does what good novelists also do to the life of everyday, placing it like a picture in a frame or a gem in its setting, so that the intrinsic qualities are made more clear. Travel does this with the very stuff that everyday life is made of, giving to it the sharp contour and meaning of art.” – Freya Stark

This was originally posted in Small Talk Skills.  Learn more there or get the book by clicking here.

If considering small talk of little or no value, people might miss on opportunities that only small talk can give.  Even pre-historic people did small talk! You can see it for yourself in the history of small talk video below.

http://bit.ly/armmillshow

This humorous sketch may simplify things a little, but only to emphasise the advantages small talk offers:

relaxing effect. It’s essential in new or unknown situations. Small talk easies the stress and raises self-confidence because we speak of things everybody is well aware of. At the beginning cavemen feel awkward but the more turns they take to speak the more confident they tend to be.

source of new information. While we can just address and ask directly we not always know what to ask specifically. Starting a small talk you widen the range of potential information you may obtain. Cavemen find out that both of them are hunters, waiting on the mammoth and one of them actually learns that “mammoth come at dark”. Pretty useful, taking the circumstances.

signal of cooperative behaviour. This is how people actually appeal to others, displaying their sincere friendliness and care for other people. And this sign welcomes cooperation from others. Cavemen happen to love one and the same thing – mammoth – and a friendly small talk shared is a potential collaboration.

It works to an amazingly similar effect in present times! Take a look at this video.

http://bit.ly/smtlk-restaurant

This is a change of setting, now it’s restaurant and the people talk about an e-reader. But the message is still the same. Eating in hostile silence can spoil anyones appetite, so the man and the woman share a light conversation which turns to be very informative for the man, while the woman is happy to share her

What do I personally gain from small talk?

First of all, small talk fuels our positive emotional experience. Nowadays, we just tend to send our thoughts in the way of statuses, posts, comments out in the open space, not really sure about whether anybody is listening. We grow distanced. In small talk, we know we’re being listened to and that makes us feel valued.

Then, by starting, or taking up small talk, we’re paving the way for future cooperation with the person we are talking with. We might be talking of naturally interesting things, as if we as if we are claiming: “I’m a nice person to deal with”.

Finally, we never know what kind of useful information we might get from small talking with just a random person. The potential and enriching capacities of small talk are immeasurable.

In the following short video an man is visiting his old friend.  You can sense the common traits of care, appreciation and excitement to see each other after a longtime.

http://bit.ly/smtlk-meeting-again

If they didn’t engage in small talk about common and usual things they wouldn’t feel so much at ease in each other’s company.  This helps for future positive contact between them.

What do others gain from the small talk?

The other person experiences just the same three advantages as you do: relaxing, being cooperative and obtaining new information. But there is more. How familiar is, for instance, the next situation for you?

http://bit.ly/smtlk-flights

We can clearly see the woman’s nervousness in the video. Small talk helps her not only to be more relaxed, but significantly reduces level of stress she was experiencing, which could have ruined her journey. People we happen to be around on the bus, in the office or at a party may be experiencing difficulties or troubles of which we might be unaware, and our sharing small talk with them can greatly help in coping with the problem, or at least lift their spirits up. We are born social beings and being actively social is what makes us happy in the end.

You are standing on the entrance of a large room and all around you groups of people are mingling and happily chatting. You begin scanning the room for a familiar face and immediately you feel out of sorts; your heart begins to race, and a part of you wants to turn on your heels and head back out the door. But before you do, stop.

You feel like a very small fish in a big sea.

Take a deep breath and look around. Realise that many people in this room probably feel the same way you do at this exact same moment. Instead of turning and running for the door, this is your opportunity to practice the art of how to make small talk.

Successful small talk relies on basic principles of politeness, including being friendly, not imposing on someone (if they don’t seem open to talking), and giving the other person options to opt in, or opt out of the conversation and does not feel stuck if they wish to move on.

Below we will look five benefits to making small talk in social settings. We also offer some advice on how to start a conversation, tips on dealing with anxiety, the importance of  taking turns during small talk and a few tips on how to talk to anyone.

Small talk can lead to bigger opportunities

Small talk is one of the most basic ways that we can to begin learning about each other. Small talk is a doorway to meeting new people, learning about our similarities and differences and ultimately building a connection to the people around us.  While it may seem trivial to some, small talk is a basic component to understanding each other and beginning to develop deeper ties, friendships or relationships. Being able to talk to anyone opens up a world of possibilities and potential connections.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks to being able to make small talk is learning steps towards dealing with anxiety. In the example above, it would be easy to give in to feelings of anxiety and make a run for the door, but if you do you may miss countless opportunities.  Perhaps you will meet someone who has many of the same interests as you. Perhaps you will discover you work in the same field, or have similar hobbies, or maybe you even know some of the same people.

Simply put, small talk can lead to opportunities to discover how you are connected to the people around you, and how you share common goals or the same intentions. All of these connections are little opportunities to enrich your life in some way, be it large or small.

Expressing interest and getting to know others

Imagine you are attending a business conference, and the woman next to you is a friend of a colleague who you have wanting to get to know, but haven’t found a way to talk to yet.  Here is your opportunity to learn how to make small talk by expressing interest in her.  An easy way to express interest in someone is through a compliment or observation.

“Lovely scarf you are wearing, I have been looking for something like that.”

A compliment will usually coax that person into responding to you because after all who doesn’t like to hear nice things about themselves? However, a simple compliment may lead to a dead-end. Where does the conversation go from there? For instance, the woman may respond,

“Thank you, it was a gift.”

Now what do you say? You may have to find another way to keep the conversation going, or strike on something else to compliment, but that after a while that may seem strained or awkward.

Another good way to show interest and learn how to start a conversation is to include an open-ended question, this way you are opening the door for the other person to add more to the conversation.

“That last speaker really made some interesting points, don’t you think?”

Remember that small talk relies on people being willing to talk to a range of different people and expressing interest in others around them. This sets up a nice small talk turn taking format, where one person is listening and the other responding .

“The speaker was OK, but I’ve heard better.”

And a chance to redirect or add additional information if she wants.

“I’m looking forward to the key speaker tomorrow, though.”

Another way to show interest in others and start a conversation is through an observation that invites them to add their thoughts or opinions.

“That must be a great book, you’re the second person I’ve seen today carrying it around.”

“Oh yes, I can’t put it down. It’s a real page-turner.”

Expressing interests in something the other person is also interested sets you up for starting a conversation if you both find you are interested in the same thing. But it also allows either one to shrug it off if there is no connection is made.  Remember that despite your best efforts, sometimes the other person may not be interested in talking. Don’t let this get you down, or lessen your confidence the next time around.

Break the silence and grow in confidence

Sometimes it takes a certain amount of confidence to even start small talk. To keep your confidence up, remember to stay relaxed and focused on being yourself. Don’t try and change yourself to fit into a stereotype you think you need to be.  Putting undue pressure on yourself will likely backfire, and make you feel uneasy and nervous.

Many people feel anxious going into a situation where they have to engage in small talk with people they don’t know. When you are setting out to talk to someone new, remember that almost everyone is at a loss for words at some point. Knowing how to talk to anyone doesn’t mean always being able to know exactly what to say at all times, sometimes it means being polite enough to say something.

One way to handle your own nervousness is to be upfront and own up to it. Perhaps you are thrown into a situation with other people, and you all might feel awkward together.

Maybe you are stuck in an elevator together, in a small waiting room, or standing in a long line. Everyone is slightly bored, looking around, maybe smiling, but no one knows what to say. This is a case where you have the chance to break the silence, which will likely make everyone feel more at ease. If you don’t know what to say, try saying the thing you are all probably thinking. Making a comment you can everyone can relate to is a good way to open the door to small talk.

“Wow, this is a much longer wait than I expected! Have you all been waiting long, too?”

The other people around you feel the same way.  Now you have made a connection, and that should make you feel more confident to continue engaging in conversation.

In a way, having confidence will help breed more confidence. Even if you don’t know exactly what to say, saying something is the first step. Try to engage in small talk with confidence and remember small talk turn taking, where one person listens and the other responds. This sets up you up for a successful conversation.

Small talk in the workplace: networking and making connections

Sometimes our relationships with work colleagues or business acquaintances are more on a surface level, so there may not be a high degree of social intimacy in these relationships. In some of these situations, small talk may be a necessary way of passing the time when it’s unsuitable to have a deeper conversation or discussion.  Making small talk may be necessary when hanging out in a break room, traveling together for work, or in between meetings or presentations.

Small talk is often used as part of networking, and can help influence what others think of you. Used correctly, small talk helps promote a positive image of someone who is cooperative and friendly. If you are able to carry on a range of conversations and talk to anyone, people see you not only as likeable, but as a good communicator.

A few kind words and a smile will be remembered by colleagues or managers.  Even something as simple as asking: “How was your weekend?” or asking, “How is your day going?” is a nice way to chat with others in a professional setting. A person hiding out at their desk, unwilling to take a few moments to say ‘hello’ may be seen as being uptight, aloof or arrogant.

Small talk can also be used to ease tension or infuse a little levity in a stressful work environment.  Work situations can become highly tense at times, so during breaks or downtimes between discussions, knowing how to make small talk can help take the pressure off and help everyone relax a little.  Because the hallmark of small talk is politeness, being friendly, not imposing, and allowing the other person to opt out, small talk can act to defuse a volatile situation and can offer a break between focused discussions.

Putting down your cell phone and getting into “real life”

Believe it or not, sometimes talking to an actual person is more interesting than looking at your mobile phone or other hand-held device.  The world we live in is technology-focused, and this means that people are often looking down at their devices rather than looking up, signaling they may be open to chit-chat or small talk.

The problem with focusing too much on the technology in your hands is you may be missing opportunities to engage with the people around you. If you never look up to see what is in front of you, will you be missing out on the “real life” going on all around you? This may even happen at social gatherings or out at restaurants, where some people may be half-focused on small talk and half-focused on their mobile device and putting something on a social media website.

Small talk takes focus. You need to be able to understand and pay attention to what others are saying so you respond appropriately.  Half-focused chit-chat may lead to the problems in small talk turn taking, because if you aren’t listening, you may not be responding appropriately, and you probably aren’t paying attention to social cues of those around you. The conversation may be derailed, and an opportunity for a connection to be made is missed.Also, focusing so much on cell phones and mobile devices will only make it harder for those  dealing with anxiety over small talk.

We live in a social world, where learning how to start a conversation and how to talk to anyone are valued skills. If you spend all of your free time looking down and not up, and if you don’t make the effort to engage in chit-chat with those around you, you may feel out of practice when you need those skills.   The more you practice, the more comfortable you will feel in making small talk, and the less likely you will be anxious when you have to start a conversation.

So remember to put down the cell phone or iPad, so you can have a real-time, human connection, too!

It’s time for you to take action

Get Talking Right Now

Small talk may seem trivial or shallow to some, but it is a necessary part of living in a social setting. Engaging in chit-chat allows people to relax and get to know each other. It can open up opportunities, and allow you to move into a deeper conversation should both people be open to that. Expressing interest in someone by paying them a compliment or asking them about something they are interested in can reveal shared interests.

Small talk allows you to break an awkward silence and open up conversation and the more small talk you engage in, the more confident you will become in making conversation. Small talk is also important when networking and is an important step when making new connections and friendships.

While we live in a world that often focuses on technology, the art of making small talking and engaging in real-life conversations is a valuable and important skill. Remembering to put aside technology and engage one another in small talk will never go out of style, and indeed will help you make connections with others.

Connect with Anyone

Small talk may seem small, but it can influence people’s perspective of you. If you come off as polite and friendly, people will connect positively with you.  Small talk is about finding something we will all have in common; it helps us find ways to relate to each other.  It can be an enjoyable experience for both parties involved, and help people bond or find similarities they can build on.

And most importantly, small talk can be a conduit that allows us to move from chit-chat to deeper conversations, and ultimately help us build connections to those around us.

Practice makes perfect, but you it isn’t always easy for a language learner to get practice. What is often missing from the classroom is a chance to practice your vocabulary. According to Author Rhian Byrne, the value of small talk cannot be underestimated. For native speakers, its a way to make more personal connections and learn how to listen. But small talk is an especially good way for English language learners to improve their fluency in a fun and intuitive way.

By taking advantage of English speaking opportunities on a regular basis, you will rapidly advance your language skills and get to hear a variety of accents. You will learn the role intonation and body language has to play in language, and this is something you will never learn from a book.

Here are our top 5 tips to start practicing your English with Small Talk:

Reach out — Be proactive!

Starting a conversation or ‘breaking the ice’ can be difficult, but someone has to do it! Talking with strangers or acquaintances might be difficult at first; but the more you practice, the more natural it will feel. Take the opportunity to be friendly to people on a daily basis: when you are in an elevator, standing in line at a cafe, or at a supermarket. Starting a conversation with a stranger can be as easy as giving a compliment or making an observation about a shared situation. If you are trying, others will likely be receptive, and have a conversation with you.

Relax and have fun!

If you’re nervous about your English, try to relax. You don’t have to be ashamed if you are not fluent. Don’t hesitate to ask: ‘Could you speak more slowly’, or ‘Can you say that again?’ The most important thing is to try. As soon as you start speaking you will see how fast your English improves!

It is just as useful to practice your English with someone else who is also practicing. Just see it as practice in fluency and listening. Learning how to make small talk is a skill, and just like any skill, the more you practice, the better you become. Take your time

You will get more out of small talk if you are calm. Don’t feel pressured to say everything at once. Be sure to take time to organize your thoughts. Do an equal amount of listening as well as talking, and be confident in your language abilities. You can always ask the other person you are talking to how to say something; the situation itself is a fun topic. By relaxing and taking your time, you will increase your fluency in the English that you do know.

Learn about body-language

Different cultures use body-language in different ways. Eye-contact is almost always important in English speaking cultures. It shows that you are listening to the other person. A lack of eye-contact can give signals that you are not interested in the topic, or the person who is talking to you. Crossing your arms or looking at the ground gives the impression you do not want to talk.

Smiling is another way to be open to conversations. An open smile is recognized throughout the world as a way to show friendliness, but don’t over do it! You don’t want to send the wrong signals! Use body-language to your advantage, and see what works for you in different situations and cultural contexts. Do what you feel comfortable with and above all - be yourself. 

Keep it short and simple

Small talk is meant to be, well, small. A typical small talk conversation carries on for just a few minutes, and should leave you feeling inspired. By “keeping it short” and relatively simple, you will feel more confident to use your English in the future. Speak in short sentences and feel how willing the other person is to continue the conversation. If you meet an unfriendly person, don’t be put off!

If you want to know more about Small Talk and how it can help you with everyday conversations then check out a range of fantastic tips and resources here.