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No one else can know the resentment of one who dies of longing, waiting for another to come.

Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer “Nothing.” The thought went through my mind that it didn’t make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy.

But life, as it turned out, wasn’t a drama. No one knows for sure what will happen in the second act. The character tagged for destruction sometimes stays around till the final curtain.

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I was frightened even by God. I could not believe in His love, only in His punishment. Faith. That, I felt, was the act of facing the tribunal of justice with one’s head bowed to receive the scourge of God. I could believe in hell, but it was impossible for me to believe in the existence of heaven.

“What’s the purpose of reading that kind of stuff?” “It’s not for any particular purpose.” “Then it’s all useless, isn’t it?” “If that’s the case, then my, or anyone’s, entering this school and pursuing an education is useless, don’t you think? You probably didn’t enter only to become a government official or a teacher, did you?” “You mean that when you graduate, you don’t want to become a government official or teacher?” “Well, I may. But I’m not studying just to become one.” “You mean, then, you’re studying in order to learn, that is, you’re studying for the sake of study?” “Well. Yes, I guess that’s right.” “Well, you’re an interesting kid.”

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The winter night My heart is grieving Is grieving, without a reason….. My heart is rusting, turning purple.