I Loved You Then Not Anymore

You looked into my eyes and smiled

I thought I stood a chance”

Never been the place where grandma gives a hug

Or where my dog licks my face,

It’s been the hotel you stay at for your grandpa's funeral

Where the water is too hot and the bed too soft

And the pillowcases stained with salty tears.

My body is a snail shell

And I have outgrown it

I don’t know much from 18 years

But here’s what I do know

Youth is fleeting

High school flies by

Friendships are the most valuable currency we have next to kindness

Love sucks and hurts and sometimes makes you want to die but, if even for a single moment you have it, it’s worth it

Learning to love yourself is harder than any math problem I’ve ever tried to solve

Learning to accept that not everyone will love you, is even harder

I will never understand comma splices but I do understand that that every person I meet deserves to feel loved

I know that painting, even really badly, can cure almost any pain

And that writing bad poetry can heal broken hearts

I know that the future will not crumble just because I stumble

I know that stopping to smell the roses is a bad idea if you have spring allergies but taking the long way home to feel the sun puts your mind in the right place

That the world is mine to fix

That I can’t just wait for others to create change

To make a difference

The world is on my shoulders but I’m not holding it alone

I know to laugh every chance you get because yes the joke was stupid but why hold onto a pride that keeps you from smiling

I know to take bike rides and go to farmers markets and listen to music you love

To tell people how you feel when you feel it

And that every chance you get, you should take because regret is worse than failure.

I know that car rides at sunset And picnics in the park are the holiest of moments that God himself gifted to us

I know that singing loud and whispering are two of the most important forms of communication

I know that who I am is a stepping stone to who I can be

And that growth is hard work but so is living

I’m sure I know more

I have to

But at least for now

To walk a little longer,

feel the sun on my face

And try to remember warmth

It’s been two years

I still don’t feel heat

I beg of you to start watching the stars

I beg of you to lay in the sun

To make a snow angel and kiss in the rain

let the stars drip into your mouth and fill you,