if i stumble;

“Too many to fuckin’ count.” Oliver mumbled, looking over at her for a moment. “Sorry. Not a Spiderman fan actually.”

Eleanor found herself smiling at his reaction, almost letting out a chuckle even, before she shrugged at his apology. “That’s okay, the spandex isn’t for everyone.”

“Oh believe me, you’re not the only one who said yes. I just got these items for sale now as they’re very expensive.”

“On sale? That absolutely changes everything, you can’t turn away from a good sale. You’ll just have to keep those gifts safely tucked away for a few months instead of weeks. Or days, I suppose.”

“To many too count actually.” Davis stated, looking over at her for a moment. “I try to avoid them to be honest. But the other Marvel movies are good.”

“Oh, I see. Here was me still stuck thinking that three movies with the same Spider-Man was a lot. I’m, uh, way behind,” she smiled although that was an absolute understatement. She did much prefered catching up on pop culture over the last eleven years than she did people. “Thank you though. I appreciate any recommendations.”

Heath glanced over at her for a moment. “There were a lot of them. They just keep remaking them for some reason.”

“What’s a spider man?”

“Oh, it’s a character. A superhero character. Um, here, see?” She turned her phone screen towards her where she’d Google image searched ‘actors who played spider-man’. “He was played by this guy and that guy and- Maybe another? I’m not sure. There were movies. And... Yes, thankfully he didn’t actually turn into a spider or anything like that.”

Amanda couldn’t help but smile as the girl thanked the pup. Harley lived for praise and it always made Amanda feel a little better when people didn’t panic over the dog. Some people were very sensitive where she was concerned, especially since she went everywhere with her. The pup came bounding back toward Amanda and sitting immediately. “Good girl, Harlequin.” She reached down, grabbing a treat from a bag hidden beneath her chair seat. 

There was a pause, but honestly Amanda didn’t mind. She understood in a way. Whatever it was, whatever had happened, she understood that hesitation. If it weren’t for Christian and Ricky, she would probably be feeling that hesitation way more than she did. “Makes sense. Lost in your own thoughts.” She laughed a bit. “She is. I am so proud of her. I wasn’t sure whether a service dog would be a good idea, but she was a brilliant idea.” 

Eleanor was doing her best to keep her anxiety as in line as it could be. All she was doing was chatting, nothing bad was going to happen and even so, she was quite sure Harlequin would come bounding to the rescue. People were the tricky ones after all. She smiled regardless though, watching the pup a welcome distraction and she was adorable. “Yeah. I, uh, thanks. Usually zoning out mid-conversation makes other people confused, uncomfortable or convinced that I’ve powered down for the evening,” she joked (sort of). “Well, I’m so glad to hear that. A little brilliance never goes amiss, right? Plus I’m sure she’s wonderful company. And always looks her best. Never moans about the weather. You know, there may be a real argument here for dogs being better than people.”

Eden chuckled a little, shrugging. “Well, that’s good because I don’t think anyone’s ever gonna want to date me except for Netflix.” It was a joke but still, she certainly wouldn’t be surprised if it was the truth.

Eden wanted to say or do something to help Eleanor, either help her adjust or just help her in general, but she really couldn’t come up with a thing. She kept drawing a blank. Her sister had been dead, in her mind anyway, and now she was here and… it was such a strange feeling. She wondered what it had been like waking up and suddenly the face looking back at you in the mirror was older.

“Us time.” She laughed, watching her sister. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that but I like it.” Eden nodded, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. She almost didn’t know how to act and she hated it. It’s not like they could slip into the exact same dynamic as years ago because Eden was older, she’d changed… they hadn’t had the last few years of annoying Steven, giving each other makeovers, fighting like siblings did… there was a lot of loss attached to the actual loss of Eleanor herself and it was difficult to navigate. “Sure! Careful though, once you get me started on book recommendations, I don’t stop.” She joked.

“There are worse love interests to have,” she joked before she realised just what she’d said. She coughed a little, forcing a wider smile than was quite necessary. I’m fine. “I just mean you’re very much allowed to be picky. You deserve the best of the best. Someone with a kind heart. And good taste in books.” Eleanor was hopeful too, you know. She was hopeful that if she kept trying, if they kept trying then things could be okay. Better than that, even. She wanted to have a relationship with her sister, to know her, to be her confidante and best friend. It was a lot to ask now, she knew that. Pushing Eden, forcing things wasn’t the way to go and she hadn’t even needed a therapist to point that one out. These things take time. Right. “Here I am, trendsetting already,” she smiled, glad to hear her laugh. She wanted to tell Eden that she missed her. Standing here right now even, she missed her. And she loved her. That she was so beautiful and she hoped that she was becoming whoever she wanted to be. She wanted so many things. She wanted to be better, she wanted to be the sister that Eden Pope deserved to have in her life; someone capable of making things better. Right now though? She’d settle for book recommendations. “Please. You can talk both my ears off with them if you like. I should probably make notes. Besides, then I’ll be able to impress strangers with my literary knowledge and fine tastes.”

Maybe Cassie was craving some more human interaction these days or something. A month ago she wasn’t sure she would have bothered to ask, she’d probably have got the coffee and then retreated home by herself and hid away. Something had been shifting, she just hoped it was good and not the devil in disguise. “Great!” Cassie smiled back at the other woman - Eleanor. “It’s nice to meet you, I’m Cassie.” She nodded, thinking she looked just vaguely familiar and figured she’d maybe seen her around the school halls when she was younger. That was usually where Cassie recognised people now. She’d only kept in touch with a couple of people… and Jason was on the run with a psychopath.

She pushed that out of the forefront of her thoughts and turned her attention back to the conversation at hand. She laughed a little. “Don’t worry, I’ll back you up if they try and ban you.” She joked, lifting her hand to hook her fingers around her bag strap as she readied herself to walk - hopefully without losing her balance this time.

“You too! Cassie. Which is also a lovely name. Um, but, I mean you know that. It’s...yours,” she said, not entirely able to shake the awkwardness she found herself falling into these days. She was happy though at how well this was going. A successful conversation. A plan in motion. Not once had the sky fallen around them, wasn’t that something? She breathed in, dropping her phone back into her pocket and standing back up (still no disasters). “Thank you. There’s no way any barista will be able to stand in our way then.” She gave Cassie a little nod, content for her to lead the way. She’d grown up in Baberton, used to know these streets and these people but everything had changed. Even if it wasn’t literally, it still didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel like home but then again, maybe nowhere did now. Eleanor shook off the melancholic thoughts that were always ready to take the lead and instead focused on Cassie. What did new getting-coffee-together people talk about? “Have you had a good day so far? Besides the stumble, I mean, which is at least leading to coffee I suppose. Maybe even a pastry too since there’s been so much trouble. You’d definitely deserve it.”

Peyton’s mind was alight with questions and thoughts and unhappiness and, most of all, anger. A black, thick anger that kept growing all the way down in her chest. She felt sick about what had happened. She cursed whoever the hell had been in the car that day, she cursed Nina freaking Everett for being on the street, her brother for putting himself in harm’s way. She wanted to go and punch some walls but she was trying to limit that sort of thing. Peyton had never been the best at channeling her anger and it was starting to eat her alive. She felt like she was on fire.

Looking up again as the other woman spoke, she shook her head. Just impulsively in response to the question. “Uh… no, it’s fine.” She was used to the question, though maybe not so much from strangers she’d met five minutes ago. She shrugged, glancing down at her hands as she picked at her nails, and then back up at the woman. “Just… my brother died recently, it’s been…” A long pause because she doubted that she really cared, she just figured she’d been being nice. Like people did. Or nosey. Like people also did. “It’s been hard.”

Eleanor suddenly felt terrible for prying. She should have minded her own business. After all, what could she possibly say now to make something so heart achingly awful better? Her eyes were full of sympathy as she watched Peyton glance down, pick at her nails and the way she’d said ‘it’s fine’ resonated, truly. Perhaps the proper thing to do would be to leave, apologise again and just go home. Instead her hand reached out, hesitating before it could brush hers and instead fell back onto her own lap. “I’m- I’m so sorry to hear that. No, of course, I can only imagine... I didn’t mean to pull that out of you. I hope you---,” what? Feel better? “Well, I think that you can only take things one day at a time. Sometimes that’s just enough.” She paused then, pressing her lips together before she found herself speaking again. “I have an older brother. He- Well, he would never give up on me and I can’t imagine---,” she drifted off. After all, the worst had happened to her brother, her family; only Eleanor had been the one who had been gone. She shook her head a little, trying for a little, apologetic smile. “Sorry, I know this isn’t the sort of thing you chat about with strangers who happen to overshare and hoard gum.”

Peyton couldn’t help but smile, which felt nice to do even if it was simply in amusement at the fact the girl in front of her seemed a bit awkward? Was that the right word? She didn’t know but she took a step forward and sat down, offering her another small smile. “Thanks.” She scuffed her shoe gently over the ground as she sat there quietly for a moment. Matt kept flashing through her thoughts. How could he not? She felt sick about it.

Peyton wasn’t sure what to do from here, where to go. She was full of anger and now she felt like she had had no one in her corner. She had the rest of the family, sure, but Peyton didn’t know what to do without Matt. It turned out that he hadn’t just needed her, after all. She had needed him too.

“Oh, don’t worry about it… really.” Peyton said, looking up with a little shrug. She didn’t mind. Everyone was.. .weird sometimes, right? In truth, it only fleetingly registered and then drifted away. “Peyton.” She returned the greeting with an even smaller smile than before. It was hard to force it. She looked down and couldn’t help but chuckle, blinking. “God, I’ve not seen Hubba Bubba since I was a kid.” It felt foreign to laugh but she probably needed it. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

“No problem at all,” she replied although she was sure it wasn’t necessary. It felt  comforting to have someone sitting there, a bit of company that wasn’t paid to be there with analyzing eyes and probing questions. Or worse, expectant eyes and hopeful questions. Still, she couldn’t help but frown a little as she glimpsed over at her while she sat. She seemed sad. Well, maybe ‘sad’ wasn’t the right word (maybe it was too simple). Lost? Tired? All things she was more than familiar with feeling herself. Eleanor doubted Peyton had just woken up from a decade long coma but there must have been something weighing on her.

Of course it wasn’t Eleanor’s business. She’d been weird enough today without starting up a therapy session with a stranger- acquaintance. “Peyton,” she repeated and again in her head, clinging to it, trying to focus. She grinned at her response, handing over two wrapped, thick squares of strawberry gum.

“I think there was something very appealing about being able to blow bubbles as a kid. Especially pink ones, I think,” she smiled. She really was going to mind her own business. The last thing Eleanor wanted was to upset anyone today but her filter hadn’t been all that great lately so... “Um, are you alright? I mean- Sorry, I don’t mean to pry or anything. You obviously don’t have to tell me, it’s just...,” she trailed off, trying to hold onto the train of thought, “I just thought I’d ask. Sometimes it’s incredibly annoying, infuriating even to be asked that but um, I guess sometimes it’s nice too.” Yup, she was definitely going to be remembered and whispered about as that weirdo in the park. Maybe that would trump ‘coma girl’ though.

Eden looked back at her sister with a worried frown. Her head. Eden knew that she couldn’t really even begin to imagine what things were like for Eleanor. Waking up and finding everything had changed. That you were so many years older and you’d been hooked up to a machine in a hospital. That you should have died and that your memory’s all messed up. She wished she knew what to say, how to help, but she just didn’t. “It’s okay..” Was all she could think of to say.

“I’ll bet.” Was Eden’s response to her next comment. She could imagine it would be nice to just be outside, in the sun and the air, instead of locked up in stuffy rooms and hospitals. “Uh.” She found herself chuckling a little when Eleanor mentioned a date. A date! As if. She shook her head, scuffing her feet across the ground and glancing back up at her sister. “No, no… um.”

It was a little hard to keep up due to the fact she’d popped a couple pills before she’d left the house that afternoon but she was sure she managed. “All my friends seem to be at work all day. I usually would be too but I took a day off.” She shrugged. “I’ll probably just go to the book store and try to find some new stuff to read. You could come if you like.”

Eleanor nodded, smiling a little at her ‘it’s okay’, knowing that there really wasn’t much else you could say. Knowing that, really, it wasn’t okay at all. She wanted so badly to understand Eden, to know her the way she should but it just seemed impossible. She should have been the person that her sister could share all her thoughts, feelings and secrets with. She should have known her. A headache was surely on the way, she thought and crying would only make it worse so she did her best to shove those feelings to the side.

“Oh? Well, I mean, that’s alright. Obviously I mean. There is lots more to life than dating,” she paused then added, jokingly, “Netflix has many, many shows to be watched for one.” She looked Eden over for a moment. She seemed... Eleanor didn’t know. She hated that she didn’t know.

Where did Eden work again? She should know that at least. Damn it. “Good. That’s good. Taking the day off, I mean. Having some ‘me’ time. Or... Us time, then.” She tried not to seem so hopeful, so happy at the offer but she was. There were a lot of things that didn’t feel right, that were strained and complicated between them when they shouldn’t be. That wouldn’t be if Eleanor had never... Anyway, she didn’t want to think about it. “Please. I’d love to come along. Maybe you could give me some recommendations there?” 

Cassie smiled back at her, shrugging a little at the light joke. “Lucky me.” In this town, you had to take all the little lucks you could find. Right? Not that she liked to dwell on all of that. She figured that the other woman would turn away and go back to her business but she found herself pleasantly surprised when she continued and Cassie chuckled. “Heel-wearers beware.” She joked lightly, smiling.

It was nice to feel lighter, though she didn’t know how long it would last, but something had shifted for Cassie lately. A weight had lifted, and she wanted to make the most of it. “Doesn’t sound like your head is all that fun.” She commented, though immediately decided she should have minded her own business. She shook her head. “No, uh. I was only heading home… well, to get coffee, then home. Work day’s finally over. I’ll just have to be extra careful now.” She chuckled, glancing down at her feet. She paused and felt a little awkward in the silence that followed briefly. “You wanna come?” For a coffee. She wasn’t sure why she’d asked but she had.

Eleanor let out a laugh and was grateful for it. Truth was she hadn’t felt much like a person since waking up from the coma. She was ushered from place to place, she was poked and prodded, sheltered and utterly suffocated by her own frustrations. By waiting for the ‘old Eleanor’ to get it together and appear again. It was silly but sitting here with this woman, who was lovely as far as she could tell, was, well, also lovely.

“No, not really,” she answered with a small smile but she didn’t elaborate and was happy to move past it. Talking about herself could be exhausting. Sometimes it was the most exhausting when she had to do it for days on end. Eleanor nodded along to her answer, looking away too. She was briefly taken aback at the question but then she smiled. A million reasons to say ‘no, thank you’ ran through her mind. It was one thing to leave the house before her appointments for some fresh air but another to go for a coffee with someone. She almost felt normal but she had to remember, painstakingly, that wasn’t true. “I would love to. I would love to go for a coffee with you.” God, she hoped that didn’t sound too keen. “Eleanor. I’m Eleanor. I um, usually have a lot of milk and sugar so I’m shunned by expert coffee drinkers but hopefully they’ll still- still let me in.”

Kylie smiled lightly and shrugged. “I’m alright.” Things were very normal, very boring, for her. Her life had never amounted to too much since the fall but she kept up with the hobbies. She wondered if Eleanor had been told about her fall or about… Eden’s attempt on her life. She wasn’t going to bring any of it up but she wondered.

“A little tired.” She shrugged, moving to sit down as she hoped she wouldn’t mind the company. “But I’m good. You?” She ventured, smiling at her, trying not to make a big deal of the question. Could Eleanor be alright and what would her alright even look like?

Eleanor thought of Kylie as being a fountain of knowledge suddenly. She must know what her- their- family had been through for the past eleven years. Although, perhaps there weren’t enough hours in the day. Not to mention that sometimes the more she knew, the worse she felt. Over a decade is long enough to move on, to live a life of your own, a life that Eleanor never would be able to understand. Had Kylie thought of her as a lost cause too? Had she wondered why Steven didn’t just let them turn the machines off?

Now that was hardly a topic for the park. “Me too,” she said, a smile almost tugging at her lips when she added, “Good I mean. Not the tired part.” Were coma jokes acceptable? Maybe not. It dawned on her that she couldn’t really answer that question, a simple ‘how are you’, because frankly, who would have the time? Outside of a professional’s office anyway. She curled her fingers into her palms absentmindedly, searching for something else to say. “And, um, do you have anything on today?”

No one had told him that she had woken up, of course they hadn’t. He had also been trying his hardest to stop looking up news reports of the case, finding it too difficult to be near her family while also reading every horrible thing they had ever said about him. So Sam didn’t know. Sam didn’t know that Eleanor was awake. And he certainly wasn’t prepared to see her sitting in the park.

A cyclist knocked into him with their handlebars, causing him to trip on to the grass and almost crashing themselves as they struggled to steady the bike- somehow still managing to curse at him. “Fuck…” He muttered, hand on his side where the handlebars had hit him. The pain could wait though, he had to confirm what he had seen. Sam’s eyes lifted to the park bench on the other side of the path and he slowly tried to sit up. Was it really her? Did she really wake up? “Elle?”

Eleanor remembered Samuel Hendry in flashes, in moments when they were teenagers. He looked different then and not just physically. He was happy when he was with her, there was a certain smile and sparkle in his eyes when they’d been together. She had seen pictures, keepsakes but they were all from the past. Eleanor knew what had happened to her, what he had done to her and as much as she had wanted more and more and more information to torture herself with, there were some things she couldn’t stomach yet. Seeing him now was one thing she couldn’t do yet, she didn’t want to tarnish what memories she had of the person she had loved just yet.

So she didn’t recognise this person. Not yet. There was something, of course, a feeling in the pit of her stomach at the voice, at the nickname. She felt like her heart was in her throat and she didn’t know why. Didn’t want to know why. Something felt wrong. She couldn’t stop staring. “Do you know---,” the words faltered, ‘do you know me’, and she found herself switch her train of thought, “Are you okay?”