Devin

The thing I think sucks most about depression is the slowness of it. It slowly and steadily creeps into everyday facets of life. From cleaning, self hygiene, socializing, and even your everyday thoughts become invaded like an enemy army storming an already bartered and besieged castle. I was in a really good place 2 years ago after I left the psych hospital, I felt like I had a new lease on life but after losing my job and regaining old habits like my never ending quest for validation from outer sources which inevitably seems to tear down my self esteem even further. Mental Illness is a hell of a drug I guess. I keep wondering if I really have it in me to change, to take steps forward, to survive. I always thought I'd go down fighting and give as good as I get but I realize I'm not that at all. Sorry for the depressing topics but the good thing about blogs is you can be brutally honest without too much worry of judgement. I have a psychiatrist appointment in a little over a week. I wonder what'll become of me if I don't go. Could I find help somewhere else? Am I doomed? I think the thing that scares me more than dying is the future, The possibility I could live like this forever. But then again nothing stays the same forever does it?

Holy shit dude it's been a really long time since I've been on this account. I originally started this thing as a kind of diary, a place where I could be more genuine. But as life goes, things got in the way. So here's some life updates: I've moved away from the coast for the first time, I started a new job, I've managed to stay single for the longest time of my life which is a pretty good accomplishment for me. That's kinda it really, life is kinda just working and surviving for the time being. I keep making small lists of goals that I wanna get to like losing weight, going back to college or quitting smoking but it keeps getting pushed off to the wayside which sucks but I'm still alive and still crawling forward at least. Life's a bitch and then you keep living I suppose. I hope you're all doing well and living the good lives you deserve. Wish me luck on trying to live mine. Talk soon

I got a job at a coffee shop/restaurant because #1 I am slowly but surely becoming a walking cliché..and #2 I need money for college and they offered full time plus overtime. Hopefully I don't pick up smoking again but given how stressful restaurants are..yeah I'm boned

I think with my new part time job I’m gonna start saving for a really nice gaming pc. I’ve wanted a gaming pc since freshman year of high school but would always spend my money on really unnecessary stuff like fancy pens or dates and stuff like that. It’s nice to set little goals for myself and it would be nice to be able to play Minecraft with all the great friends I’ve made online, here’s hoping I stick to my budgeting, wish me luck.

It’s been a while since I’ve used this tumblr because..well it’s hard for me to stay focused on things but with recent events I’m trying really hard to be better, I don’t wanna end up a piece of shit for the rest of my life and in my head I think anyone can change it just depends on whether you want to. Getting better is really hard work but every day it gets a little easier

Basement shows are pretty cool if I’m being completely honest

This was mine and my ex’s favorite album and band.... Remo Fucking Drive. Ever since we broke up it’s been extremely hard for me to listen to the record which is a damn shame because every song is perfect, but recently I’ve been jamming out in the car to probably the best opening to an album of all time. One day I just want my band to cover this whole album so I can finally just call it MY band again

After going through (and still getting through) an extremely painful and emotional breakup, I’ve been listening to the song “Scott Pilgrim Vs My GPA” by Mom Jeans alot and this song gives me hope that I’ll be able to scream triumphantly that “I sleep well alone now” I feel the day will come soon. Enjoy this video I took at the last show of theirs I went to.

I still hold this crazy night extremely close to my heart. I was around 16/17 and I was extremely depressed at the time due to some really rough family situations going on at the time, some close friends bought me tickets to see my favorite band The Front Bottoms as a way to cheer me up. We all packed into my friends car and drove to Philadelphia in the middle of winter to see this band that had got us all through so much. We had an amazing night and we got to see our band play our fucked up little groups anthem “The Beers” it was truly the day where I was grateful to be alive.

You’re gonna carry that weight

So I bought this amp off of Craigslist for 300$ and it’s a goddamn steal. It was made in the 90’s and all of the reverb and disortion settings in the amp are natural rather than prebuilt. Now I feel cool for once in my life