Consequences can be part of discipline, as a form of teaching cause/effect, but should not be used as punishment, to coerce, or as an excuse to get rid of a child’s rights/autonomy.
Example: Toddler has been told repeatedly (and is old enough to understand the rules) not to color on the walls. Colors on walls again. No more crayons for a certain amount of time. That teaches respect for property that isn’t your own (the wall) and shows that you aren’t allowed to disregard the rules without consequences. It does not take away a child’s rights, just a privilege, and only temporarily. Another example for this age group: My daughter can’t yet turn paper pages without succumbing to the temptation to rip and eat them. So we only do board books and if she has paper page book time, we have to sit right there with her to monitor her (which she doesn’t appreciate). It’s a form of teaching and practice, not punishment.
Example: Teenager knows curfew is 11pm. Deliberately stays out til midnight and doesn’t call to explain why. Teen’s curfew either gets moved earlier, or (depending on how many times this has happened) doesn’t get to go out unsupervised for a certain length of time. This is a matter of the parent needing to see improved behavior in order to know the teen can be trusted with very important time and behavior management skills that are designed to keep the child safe.
Important aspects of consequences as part of discipline that make the difference between discipline and punishment:
Consequences must be a derivative of the broken rule. No taking away a favorite toy because the kid yelled at you. It has to connect to the rule and preferably be a natural consequence. For younger kids you may have to introduce some artificial ones, like the crayon example above, but it should connect directly to the action and lesson you’re trying to teach. Kid breaks rule about electronics in the bath and breaks phone or tablet? No immediate replacement/repair. Natural consequence.
Must NEVER violate the child’s needs or rights. Socially isolating your teenager is violating a need. Refusing to give them or allow them food is violating a need and a right. Never withhold rights or needs as a “consequence,” that’s just a punishment.
Consequences should be the result of an established rule. No making things up on the fly and then introducing a consequence right then. You didn’t give the child a chance to learn it or practice!
Consequences should be agreed upon (older kids) and warned about (all ages) beforehand. This ties in with the last one. Warn your child what the consequences will be before they break the rule. For the crayon example, the child should have been told many times that if they keep coloring on the walls, they don’t get to play with their crayons anymore for ‘x amount of time’. Expectations should be specific. For older kids, let them help decide appropriate consequences. This gives them a sense of autonomy and helps them make connections between their behavior and the results. For teens, they help decide curfew, and what privileges they lose if they break curfew, how they should go about earning them back, etc. All this should happen WAY before the consequences ever have to be implemented, so they know beforehand what’s at stake and have a tangible reason to abide by the rules instead of the more nebulous ones (to keep you safe, because you need sleep, because night is dangerous, etc).
Consequences should be specific, and should be stated explicitly. For the crayons example, you would tell the child “We have a rule not to color on the walls. I reminded you several times not to color on the walls, and I see you colored on them anyway. So now you don’t get to play with your crayons for two days. We have to be nice to the walls and not color on them, so we will play with the crayons another time.” When the child inevitably asks for the crayons back before the time limit is up, you remind them why they can’t have the crayons- “you colored on the walls after we asked you nicely not to do it, so you have to wait until tomorrow to have them back.” For the teen, it will be easier because they have a longer memory and were (hopefully) involved in deciding the consequences to begin with.
Consequences must be consistent. If the rule/consequence pair is “no TV before homework is done or else you don’t get your screen time after dinner,” you have to stick with it each time. Otherwise, it doesn’t teach anything except that you are inconsistent and they never know what they can expect from you.
Basically, anything designed to force the child into submission or compliance or make them afraid of you is punishment and is not going to teach them anything. Consequences have their place but only as teaching tools to help shape responsible behavior, not as a way to make your child obey you.
Oh! And grades, emotions, physical abilities, and anything else that isn’t a behavioral choice should NEVER be “rules.” Eg., no “all a’s” rules or “no crying about such-and-such.” Rules should be about choices, and so should consequences. Discipline applies to every situation, but consequences don’t.
