Who Up Munching They Yum?

"Is your blanket warm enough? I'll go get another one."

"I will carry plates, go sit."

"Practice is optional for players, Shane, not captain."

And, look, Shane isn't one to lay about. He's up for morning runs, he attends almost every optional practice, he's meticulous about his work out routines. He's a top athlete and so is Ilya, they both work incredibly hard to stay at the top. Still, Shane doesn't have a problem with a lazy afternoon reading in bed, or a free weekend spent at his cottage, or a summer relaxing.

He notices that sometimes Ilya will startle, just a little bit, if Shane walks into the room when he's laying on the couch, scrolling through his phone. If Shane makes even the slightest request, Ilya is jumping to get it done there and then. He's the first one at practice and the last one to leave.

He will take naps with Shane, but he's always up before Shane, working out in the gym, doing their monthly calendar, adding things Shane likes to their shopping list that he wouldn't add, etc.

"Just sit with me," Shane catches Ilya's arm on his latest trip to the kitchen."

"I know, I will," Ilya covers his hand. "I just want to wipe down counters before your parents get here."

"They won't care," Shane scrunches up his face. "They won't even notice. Come sit down."

"Okay," Ilya says, but looks a little torn. "We are suppose to be hosting, not lazing around."

"Ilya," Shane sat up more. "You cleaned the whole house like twice today. I cooked. We aren't lazing around."

"Yes, I know, but..."

"Ilya, you aren't lazy," Shane said directly. He doesn't know exactly why that word seems difficult for Ilya, but he has his suspicions. "And even if you were lazy sometimes, I wouldn't care. I would like it, probably."

Ilya softened. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Shane tugs him and Ilya finally lets himself be pulled into Shane's lap. "Just come be lazy with me."

But Shane is just as Ilya-sexual and that - infuriately - crops up a lot in the workplace, when Shane's two favourite things (his husband and hockey) mesh. When Shane first joined the Centaurs, there were many (good natured) jokes about Ilya needing to keep it in his pants around his husband. Shane soon found out it was not Ilya they needed to worry about.

It started with Ilya giving out corrections, like any good captain.

"Young," Ilya said in that low, soft, but unavoidable tone. "You need to stop looking at puck, that is for goalie, yes? Find open ice and watch player who has the puck."

Shane, to his horror, shivered. The order, not even to him, locked in place. Watch team, not puck.

"Shane?"

"Mh?" Shane's eyes shot up to look at him.

Ilya gave him a look. Then a quick once over. "Practice passing assists to Young, okay?"

"Yes, s-cap," Shane flushed, blaming it on the biting cold of the rink. "Yeah, of course. C'mon, Rook."

It just got worse from there.

"Again, Holmberg, or you drive Zamboni for a week."

"If you pass like that in game, I will send you to the Maple Leafs."

"Young!" Ilya raised his voice and Shane's knees buckled. "Shoot puck at net, not at teammates. Don't make me come over there."

But even worse than the corrections, was the praise.

"Good job, Luca, that was beautiful goal."

"That was what I am talking about, Wyatts, I love you."

"Exactly like that, Holms, great job."

"Good job."

"Good job."

"Good job."

It was going to kill him. He could not take it anymore. More often then not, he pounces on his husband as soon as they're home from practice. Sometimes even in the car (far away from the parking lot, of course). Not that Ilya complains.

One such time, a couple months of Shane slowly losing his insanity, he has Ilya pressed up against the wall in their entryway.

"You are in state tonight," Ilya breathed in between kisses. "You have been for months."

"Have not been," Shane exhaled shakily. He wanted to be in the bed, but he didn't want to waste time walking there. He leaned more of his weight on Ilya, hoping that signaled he wanted to be carried.

"No?" Ilya caught on and took on the extra weight, and turned them, so Shane was against the wall. "But I wanted to give you reward."

"Hmm," Shane smiled into his neck. "For what?"

"For practice," Ilya pulled back to look at him, a slow, smug smirk taking over his features. "For doing such a good job."

Shane shivered then stilled. He pulled back, face hot. "You-you asshole! You knew!"

"Of course I know," Ilya finally lifted him, hands braced under his thighs, not letting him pull away. "I know you."

"Its so embarrassing." Shane lamented, melting into Ilya's hold.

"Is only fair," Ilya carried him to their room. "Now you know how I feel every time you fold laundry, or wear little yoga shorts, or power wash deck, or fix light bulb, or..."

"I get it," Shane interrupted him.

like the way he asked "what is nur-ate-iv?" makes me think man TRULY was not catching all of the words getting tossed at him so fast the second his eyes were even a LITTLE open. like he wasn't asking "what story did you come up with?" he's asking "what word are you even saying to me right now?" man got like 0.2 seconds to be like "oh i'm awake now?" before he was getting PELTED with english because shane had a forty step plan that couldn't wait like. three more hours.

First it’s planning their meet-ups months ahead. Shane has time to plan his outfit, do a pre-workout, and complete his prep routine. When he’s hosting, the temperature is perfectly set, lights low, fresh towels set out on the counters. When Ilya’s hosting or a hotel, he builds in time to do everything he needs beforehand.

Once they’re married, that changes. Living together means things can be a lot more spontaneous (which he loves) but he also likes to know The Plan™️.

And once they’re married, Shane has no problem asking for what he wants so he can plan out his day and routine. It’s not particularly sexy, but he guesses that’s married life.

“Ilya?”

“Hm?”

“Do you want to eat me out after the Canada match tonight?”

They had both been rooting for Canada at the world cup - Ilya even got them jerseys.

Ilya chokes and Shane frowns at him. “You okay?”

“I - just - what?”

“Well I’m going to do a full shower after my physio session with Amelia - I should be done by the time the Canada game starts. Oh - and I meant to ask if you liked those new frozen meals Lyn brought over. They’re a new brand.”

“I - yes, please Shane if I ever don’t want to eat you out, I have been replaced by aliens.”

“Okay, cool. And the meals?”

“Gross,” Ilya said. “But normal gross.”

~*~*~*~

“Ilya?”

“What?”

“Can we fuck on the couch tonight? With the fire going?”

Ilya grit his teeth and for a second Shane thought he would say no.

“Of course.”

“Maybe around 8? I bought 2 hour logs and the fire needs to be completely out by bedtime.”

“Okay.”

~*~*~*~

“Ilya!”

“Shane?”

“Look at your messages! I want to try that position. Maybe after we get back from our afternoon skate?”

~*~*~*~

“Ilya?” Shane asked through his cars bluetooth. Ilya was cooking and keeping him company on the phone as he drove back from an optometrist appointment. Much to his husband’s (fake) disappointment, his slight nearsightedness still didn’t need glasses for anything besides reading comfortably.

“Hm?”

“Did my package get delivered?”

“A package did. I put it on side table for you.”

“Can you go ahead and open it? I wasn’t sure what size to get so I got a few options. I want to try them this weekend - maybe Saturday? If they don’t fit, I’ll need to do another order tonight for 3 day shipping.”

He heard Ilya take a deep breath. He hated to give him another thing to do on top of making dinner, but he wanted to make sure they had the right sizes before they wanted to use them.

~*~*~*~

“Hey Ilya?” Shane said quietly, so the other people at the stuffy fundraiser couldn’t hear.

“Yes?” Ilya, his hand coming up to run through the back of Shane’s hair.

“I’m exhausted. Can we do shower blowjobs when we get home tonight?”

Ilya hand stuttered in his hair. Shane hated to disappoint him but he was too tired for his prep routine, his post routine, and cleaning the sheets. Or even getting up for Ilya to do it. Shower blowjobs had excellent clean up time and he could fall right into bed afterwards.

“That sounds perfect,” Ilya said, a little roughly.

~*~*~*~

Shane was going to kill him. Murder him. Like a sniper - out of the blue, at any given moment, Shane might call out to him all softly and then ask for hottest sex imaginable (all sex with Shane) AND THEN plan it for later, leaving Ilya incredibly worked up.

The worst part was Shane did not even know he did this to him - for Shane, it was just planning - run at 6, breakfast at 8:15, workout at 8:30, shower at 10, fuck husband at 10:45, off ice training at 12:15, etc. It drove Ilya insane.

💪 💦

Yuna Hollander does not hesitate to scoop that charitable opportunity up.

They get their 12 players, one for each month. Shane gets his birth month, May. The tagline on top of his photo is: "I may be a two-time Stanley Cup winner, but I still get checked regularly for early onset heart disease."

During the following preseason, Ilya walks in on the Bears howling with laughter about something. Never one to be left out, Ilya demands to know what's so funny. He's passed a Heartthrob Against Heart Disease 2018-2019 calendar and joins in on the laughter as he flips through these idiots. That is, until he gets to May.

Shane is on the ice, a hockey stick slotted across his broad shoulders, arms draped over it. He's shirtless, only wearing gloves and his baggy hockey pants, ridden down on one side to show off the top of his underwear and the deep V just above his hips. They must have had him do pushups because his abs are more defined than usual, deep cuts across his stomach shimmering with a thin layer of sweat. His hair was messed up, like someone had run their hands through it. He was looking directly at the camera, a little smirk on his face like he knew exactly what he was doing. His biceps...

The calendar was snatched from him, which was probably a good thing, if the saliva pooling in his mouth and the tightness of his pants were anything to go by.

Shane through the phone: 🤓

Shane's actually the one to accidentally reveal the timeline, when he says "I mean, if you average it out by the seven years where we only saw each other a few times a year and the four years we were long-distance, we're probably still behind most couples."