entschuldigen Sie, aber ich bin schwul

my favorite thing about louis is he's a business major in a world of theater kids. everyone's playing psychological games with each other through theater and rock music and the fractured art of storytelling and he's like "but what are the margins on my vampire hotel"

the first time shane & ilya spend ilya’s birthday together i think the vibe really is ‘saying all of my dog’s favorite words in the same sentence’ because shane wants to make sure its ilya’s best birthday ever & doesn’t know how to do anything by half . shanevoice ilya pay attention i have a plan (nooo hollanderrrrr i want to fuck you NOW is my birthday :((((( how could u be so cruel to me) ok we’re taking the ferrari to mcdonald’s for mcgriddles (ilya visibly perking up) you are allowed to go 125 km/h but only if the coast is clear (imaginary tail beginning to wag) & you have to slow down if you want road head . when we get home we are taking a pot gummy & going swimming & i am grilling for lunch (ilya, his eyes huge, in the apron i bought for you?) yes ilya in the meat daddy apron . then shower, nap, one beer, dinner at my parents’ house, home by 6, and then i’ll give you your birthday present 🙂 does that sound good ? ilya, crying, shane this is my best birthday ever (shanevoice ilya it’s 9 am we haven’t even done any of it yet) MY BEST BIRTHDAY EVER WITH MY BOYFRIEND WHO I LOVE . & after they fuck (because obviously that was the first thing on the agenda shane just likes when ilya whines & begs for it & ilya does too) shane is back-to-business rustling around the bedroom putting their clothes out & talking about nothing while ilya watches from the bed w the big dopey smile of a man enamored with the bus that just ran him over

shane gets shane free use for his birthday and ilya also gets shane free use for his birthday

celebrities can do what they want i guess but i will not be falling for the 90s heroin chic trend, no thank you

again, do not fall for the propaganda being shoved in your face right now. the older i get the more overview i have for these things and seeing the super body critical online wave is weird, and frankly, ridiculous

what a privilege it is to come home to a little animal that loves you like you're their whole world.

Calling Shane's diet "rabbit food" in the same way Ilya calls him "short" (book) or "slow" (show). Shane is eating approximately 5,000 calories every single day, he is maxing the fuck out of his protein intake, it's just all boiled chicken, plain tuna, no salt on eggs, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and disgusting smoothies. "I will not eat your weird rabbit food," Ilya says and Shane's already picking up his plate of lean ground beef & rice taco bowl to mash it into Ilya's face in a fury.

I love seasonal fruits they're like girl we're back lol

the first birthday where shane gets ilya a cake and presents he worries he did something wrong because ilya freezes and then is like “what is this? “and shane is like “it’s your birthday?” and ilya is like “you remembered this?” and shane is like “well obviously i remembered your birthday?” and ilya is staring and shane is like “sorry do you not like it i can exchange it for—” but then ilya is crying big boo hoo tears. the second birthday ilya spends the entire week being a bossy bratty little bitch. hollander you must come swimming it is my birthday. hollander you have to come dancing it is my birthday. hollander you need to wear that blue mesh shirt it is my birthdayyyyyyy.