siixofdoves

Ketterdam was sunny for once, the rays of sunlight warming Inej’s skin. All around her people seemed to perk up a bit, as if the golden rays had melted some of their worries away.

She would normally be on the roofs where she knew the quickest way to the Slat, where she could stay hidden from the rest of the world. Not this time though.

Saints, the midwife had only just told Inej that she was pregnant and she already felt protective of it. Realistically, she knew that she and the baby would be more protected up on the roofs and that she would never fall, but her irrational brain told her to stay on the ground where it was nice and safe.

She was pregnant. It felt strange to think of it in such a casual manner, but she’d had a feeling that something was wrong that had developed over the past couple of weeks.

That didn’t mean that she hadn’t freaked out when she heard the news.

Inej had gone to midwife by herself after a week of debating with herself. She almost didn’t want to believe that she could be pregnant, even though she knew it had been a possibility over the past few years with Kaz. They had conquered intimacy bit by bit, some battles hard-fought, and others won with surprising ease. It had taken them years, with Inej leaving to take down slavers for long periods of time, but they had done it.

Having sex and enjoying it was not something Inej had ever thought she’d be able to have for herself. When she had first joined the Dregs, she’d thought she would never want to perform like that again. But then Kaz had shown her the side of him that wasn’t Dirtyhands, someone who cared about her. He had tried to hide his desire for her in the beginning, later telling her that he felt shame for having those feelings in the first place. Inej had taken the big step then to let him know that she desired him too, and that she had discovered that she wanted to try to work towards them acting on those desires, too.

She had known what to take after having sex with a man from her time at the Menagerie; a mix of herbs that made you feel nauseous and ensured that no baby grew in the womb. Inej had found a mix that smelled different from the one she was forced to drink when she was fourteen; she didn’t think she could bear the smell of it ever again.

The herbs weren’t guaranteed to be effective, but they had done the job over the past ten years. Until now.

A sense of dread washed over her when the Slat came into view. It was still as crooked as ever; no amount of money would be able to fix that, other than completely destroying the structure and building it back up. But the inside had been improved over the years: running hot water, the gaps in the wall and roof patched up, better mattresses for all of the Dregs.

Inej contemplated whether she would risk climbing to get to Kaz’s window at the top or climb the stairs to his office instead. He would know that something was wrong immediately if she took the stairs, but the protectiveness that had gripped her ever since she heard the news took over.

As soon as she entered she instinctively found the shadows, which truthfully wasn’t that difficult in a dark place like the Slat. No one noticed her presence, and she was able to make her way up the stairs without disturbance. Inej hesitated only briefly. Kaz was still oblivious that he was about to be a father, and these were the last seconds of normalcy in both their lives. But he needed to know, he deserved to.

She opened his office door and walked in, suddenly paranoid that Kaz would be able to tell that she was pregnant. There wasn’t even a bump yet, but Kaz always found a way of knowing what he wasn’t supposed to know, even if his Wraith was out of Ketterdam.

“Inej?” Kaz asked, frowning. He’d instantly gotten up from behind his desk, concern on his face.

“Kaz.” She dipped her chin in acknowledgement, a nervous flutter dancing in her belly. She just had to say it, but right now it seemed like the most impossible task in the world. Kaz’s shoulders were tense, his mind probably running through all the different possibilities of what might be wrong.

“Are you injured?” he asked when Inej said nothing else.

“No, not really,” she answered. Answering his questions she could do, and though she knew it was impossible, she wished that he would just ask her if she was pregnant. It would make this whole thing a lot less difficult. He relaxed slightly at her answer and stayed quiet, waiting for her to explain.

“Can you hold me?” fell from her lips, instead of “I’m pregnant.” She could kick herself and her cheeks burned at the silly question.

Kaz wasted no time and limped forward, instantly wrapping his arms around her. Inej felt his bare warm hands on her hair and her back, his gloves discarded. The ring on his finger touched her back, and Inej felt herself sink into him, feeling warm and safe.

This was Kaz. She could tell him anything.

“Kaz?”

“Hm?”

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered to his chest. Kaz instantly stiffened around her, his hands no longer stroking her hair.

“What?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“I’m pregnant,” she repeated, more confidently this time. She straightened her back and lifted her chin to look up at his face. His eyes were wide, and she thought he might have been at a loss for words for words for the first time in his life.

“You’re pregnant,” he could only repeat, his eyes jumping from her face to her belly and quickly back up. “And you’re–you’re okay with that?”

“I think I am,” she admitted, surprising even herself at the quick answer.

His expression was unreadable as he scanned her face. He was still holding her close, and they stayed like that for what felt like hours. Then the most unexpected thing happened.

Kaz smiled.

Inej wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen him smile like this. His usual smiles were either sharp ones, when something was going according to plan or if he felt the need to intimidate someone, or soft, small ones, only directed at her. This one was a big smile, one that made his eyes crinkle.

“You’re sure?” he asked, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I’m sure. You’re happy?” Inej asked to make sure.

“I–I guess I am, but only if you are.”

Relief flooded through her body, and for the first time, Inej allowed herself to smile, too. Sure, they had talked about the possibility of children, and they had even both agreed that they might want one someday, but actually experiencing it felt very different to just talking about hypotheticals.

“I am happy. We’ll have to figure out what we’re going to do, but currently, all I can think about is how I can’t wait to meet this little human who is half you and half me,” she admitted with a big grin.