a sad lesbian

I feel like a million different scars have been reopened and all the sudden I'm that girl crying alone in her closet who feels like she's not worth fighting for.

I'm just hoping and praying to anything and everything greater than me that you'll realize on your own that we are more important than anything else.

As fiercly as all the flames inside my chest.

As deeply as the ocean of tears I cry as I fall asleep.

As firmly as the ground underneath my tired feet.

As strong as the wind coming at me full speed.

I am in love with you

Completely.

I am yours.

Entirely.

And I could explain it in a million different metaphors

Using all the beautiful words inside my mind

But I promise you,

the change that I crave won't come to me

and the change that I am afraid of

come's at lightning speed

what the fuck is that about?

I do not understand

putting on a brave face and a smile everyday is

exhausting.

people tell me that I was only given this life because I could handle it but I really wish I wasn't so strong

then I could have a simple life without all the endless battles.

I'll never have control.

I only get illusions that it's getting better.

My throat closes up

My stomach turns

All these mental illnesses that my mother passed down to me

Depression telling me I can't get out of bed

Anxiety telling me I can't do anything right

I wish i didn't feel like a waste of her time

I wanna make the negative voices stop

I fight them with positivity as much as I can

But I always lose

i always felt incomplete 

i always had this feeling in my gut that there was more out there

you are more. 

i’m still afraid of so much 

I wonder if I'll have enough time

I've barely been living

Mostly I've just been existing

I hate myself for thinking so negatively

I hate that my instinct is destruction

I have to fight who I am everyday

It's been weighing me down for far too long

But I've also been holding hope

Even in my darkest most devastating moments, I never lost hope.

I wouldn't have made it this far without it

I hope I remain hopeful

Even in my most hopeless nights

I feel like I'm playing a part

Maybe I've lost myself in the act

I'm sick of fake happiness

This house doesn't feel like my home

I only feel like myself when I'm with her

But I'm always alone.

I'm losing hope again

I worked so hard to get better

Now it's like it was all for nothing.

I'm so tired but I cannot give up

I feel like my hands are bound and my mouth gagged.

I feel like an inconvenience to everyone in my life.

I feel like the life I live isn't mine.

I feel like by the time I make it to the finish line, it'll be too late.

I feel like I'm a waste of everyone's time.

And I'm sorry, I'm sorry I am the way I am.

I'm sorry I'll never be able to fulfill the dreams of my younger self.

I'm sorry i can't give the girl i love the whole world.

But i will easily spend everyday with you

my heart is too big 

I’ve always seen the world differently than everyone else 

I’ve always questioned everything they told me 

but it’s simply torturous thinking and feeling so deeply 

I will always be recovering.

I can't be fixed,

I can only learn to live with my brokenness.