Servant of Bad Omens

Moody pic

Mirror

This picture, like many works from my last cycle, is about conditions of mind, but this one was dragged out of me through shame, painful memories, self-criticism and that ugly fucking fear of myself, and while drawing the man in front of the mirror I cried without any rational reason, hated myself for crying and kept going because stopping would feel like another pretty lie

Some parts of this image still belong to undiscovered rooms of my psyche, where pain watches through many eyes and builds its architecture from memory, and I wanted the drawing to hurt until every defense cracked, because this is metaphor linked to my life, this is my life speaking without teddy-daddy behind my back

Not the best Full Moon. At all

On one hand, this configuration makes hidden things come out, get named and finally enter the conversation, even if everyone involved spent the last few days pretending nothing was happening

Emotional pressure rises sharply. You may suddenly feel that the path you chose is too difficult, unrealistic or based on a temporary loss of common sense. Still, within four days it will become clear that the panic was unnecessary and your inner catastrophe once again demanded a much bigger budget than it deserved

The main rule is simple: do not promise the entire world and then sit there biting your elbows, wondering why you opened your mouth. Another temptation of this Full Moon is denial, rejection of the past and the desire to crawl back into some safe environment that no longer exists. Under this level of tension, every cozy place can start looking less like protection and more like a cage with a nice blanket

The Moon conjunct Pluto creates that feeling of hidden danger, pressure under the surface and the urgent need to expose everything, talk it through and ventilate the whole emotional dungeon. Power dynamics become easier to notice, especially where control, silence or unspoken expectations have been hiding behind the furniture

The Sun conjunct Jupiter may improve relationships through clearing up misunderstandings and revealing what has stayed unspoken inside a marriage or partnership. There is a chance to say the obvious out loud, negotiate what each person actually wants and somehow survive the conversation

Just remember that this Full Moon reveals what you have been doing during the last two weeks

I afraid

I afraid to be alone

Every morning when you go to work, I do all that I can to forget myself

Before it was alcholol and games, impulsive shopping

Now I chased to social and art. Every new people is responsibility. I feel guilt when anyone not satisfied my opinion and points of view. Before I argued to make my deeds more acceptable

But all the years of life I hiding from myself. Joining to groups, spiritual traditions, clubs, living in narratives of other people. Some time ago I think that I lost myself in this masking. But anytime there was you, as a lighthouse of my life

Now I'm in the that point, when you going to work - I try to catch social vibe with someone else. Trying to calm down my anxiety and chtonic fear of being on my own

I intensively clean a flat, make home more cozy, myself more pretty and ready to give you comfort and joy. With thought of you, that on the weekend I will be near you more time

Lovers, friends, random new lads in this way I try to don't hear what inside me with them. Better immerse, dive in torrent of feelings of another person, living in his story and forget myself for lil time

And its help me

I'm so afraid to be alone

Today I liked many as fk men. Now I must tell about this to bf. If not I will judge myself from inside. He is always mercy to me. He give me privileges for fun searching to virtal lovers

I feel myself like a slave but he admit me as equal. In any case I feel myself like a parasite. He is my god embodied. I don't imagine my life without him. Maybe better do as ancient wifes - lay into one coffin. I obey him and his word more than law to me. I try make him happy, but I know that is impossible. And even in impossibility I don't give up to put smile of pleasure on his face. I dedicated to him in consent way. Sometimes I really think that is was fate man in my life

Other man is idol, with who I have nice DS virtual sessions. I didn't know him, almost no things. I hear his voice see his parts of body. Never seen his face. This aspect of mystery make me hot and dedicated to his playing with me. Husband tells that is ok, whenever measures is not violated.

It's double road where on one hand long term relationships and on other possibility to find that one dom who can hear my needs and fragility points

Sometimes I think why so spiritual and overthinking guy as me deep into such way of sexuality. I didn't know rly. I just feel to some people so strong feelings that I can't resist

Few years ago most people on streets thinks that I'm girl, queer people tells me "oh, maybe you r transman". But lads, what else I need show you to prove that I'm guy. This photo on left side taken from 2014-2018, right side is nowadays. On the streets rather I hear "f@gg0t". But in any case I glad that people dont missgendering me. One dom try to feminise me, but it was on sessions, not in lifestyle. I just try to find my masculine sides 😔♂️♂️

Rules that help me stay alive

Follow your heart

Dive into love as if possessed

Worship your lovers

Respect your friends

Fulfill your own wishes and the wishes of those closest to you

Trust your feelings, keep trust of others

Do what you will, and my will is to obey by those I love

Love has no price, but love leads toward the fulfillment of destiny

Hate the haters

Love the lovers

Ignore the ignorant

Gender Roles in Astrology

Traditional astrology was brutally strict about gender binarity. Today our vision of this matter is wider, so I offer another approach, partly based on the Jungian concepts of anima and animus, but focused more on planetary roles and the integrity of personal development than on distributing pink and blue badges across the birth chart

First and foremost, we meet the couple of the Sun and Moon. The Moon represents the psyche, perception and our immediate involvement in life. In a woman’s chart, traditional astrology gives it a primary role in matters of embodiment, cyclical existence and the way life is received from inside. Yet the Moon is much more than receptivity or passive reflection. It is the principal planet of perception, the ability to notice, absorb and see beneath the random surface of events. The Moon may become an inner eye for a man and a more natural worldview for a woman, though real people rarely behave like obedient illustrations from an old textbook

This does not define gender identity. Biological sex may give a starting point for symbolic interpretation, but feminine men, masculine women, cis and trans people create much more complicated mixtures between solar and lunar roles. The chart is not a public bathroom sign. It describes how different principles live, clash and negotiate inside a person

The Sun is also a giver of life, but its manner is different. It radiates, expands, chooses and builds a throne for the ego, sometimes a useful throne and sometimes a cheap golden chair dragged into every room. Through its yearly cycle, the Sun develops self-esteem, self-acceptance, focus and the will to act. The Moon nourishes the roots of life, while the Sun pushes that life to announce itself

For an astrological alchemist, realizing the Sun and Moon is one of the first parts of the Great Work. We observe the yearly solar cycle, separate our real wishes from borrowed ambitions, notice where attention gathers and ask what still has enough fire to become action. Lunar development hides in routine, instinctive reactions and the everyday web of the Moon’s house, sign and aspects. Firmicus Maternus in the Mathesis gives useful material for understanding the Moon’s condition, especially its fading, afflicted or submerged states. The progressed Moon adds another layer, showing how the inner climate changes while the natal chart continues pretending to be a permanent document

For women, the Sun can describe the exit from objectification and male judgment, the part of the psyche that claims subjectivity, autonomy and the right to lead its own life. In a masculine woman, it may become an inner lighthouse, a private temple where she sits as her own priestess instead of waiting for someone to approve the ceremony. In a feminine man, the Sun may be the hard core beneath a thinner lunar coat of adaptation, sensitivity and social response

For a trans woman, the Sun can illuminate those buried fragments of power that must be transformed rather than simply amputated from the personality. Masculinity here does not need to remain a prison. It may be melted into courage, creative will and the ability to protect a softer form of life. For other trans people, the Sun and Moon can describe the ongoing work of balance, recognition and bodily comfort, a symbolic game much more complex than declaring one planet correct and throwing the other into spiritual trash

For a cis man, the Sun often speaks more directly through ego, desire, command and the will to show himself. Left without the Moon, this power may rot into autocracy, emotional stupidity and violent hysteria. The Moon may appear first as the dreamed woman of his life, then, with some luck and enough self-reflection, as something he must discover inside himself before demanding that another person carry it for him. This inner recognition gives him a better chance to love a real woman, or a real man, instead of chasing a lunar projection wearing somebody else’s face

Integrity begins where the day of the Sun and the night of the Moon stop fighting for sole ownership of the sky. Your starting point matters, but it is not the final verdict. The goal is a living blend of perception and will, nourishment and radiance, adaptation and sovereignty, shaping the person you are and the person you are still trying to become

The Way

I do not like covens. I keep searching for community and have tried to build my own more than once, but after all these years I prefer to keep my practice metaphorical, direct and hidden at the same time

Hexenring by Apoptose sounds like voices in the forest where I once lost a shard of my soul

Once I gave an oath to the Elder Mother, asking her to bring my man back from danger, at any price and by any path open to me. I meant every word. I walked through the winter forest for an hour with my gusli, singing and charming the Old Mother Elder. I received what I asked for

This is how my craft often works. It does not need a coven hall, matching robes or another committee deciding who is spiritually certified

Ancestors

I am the last of my bloodline, and I am at peace with it. The genetic bouquet I inherited feels less like a gift and more like one of Nature’s cruel jokes, but I am still glad to live this life, whatever shape it takes

I honour my ancestors while carrying complicated feelings toward my closest family. They gave me possibilities, but protection was rare. I grew up free as the wind and almost as vulnerable

I miss the Sea of Azov, yet some deep part of me relaxed when I understood that I was gone from that place and would probably never return to the life I knew there

Certain memories stay in the body longer than prayers. Winter cold, the smell of alcohol, fear that later became slow-burning anger. I honour even these memories, because memory is a severe but useful teacher

Ancestor work does not require me to call every inherited wound sacred. It asks me to remember what shaped me, what survived through me and what must end with me

I often feel spoiled from within, so I try to mask it with shopping, excessive sex, music, and soft, deep listening to the problems of people around me. For now, I tease out this inner tension and feed that strange state between nowhere and neverwhere. Living through the stories and life obstacles of friends, strangers, and whoever happens to be nearby, I keep seeing my role in calming people, helping them, and giving my whole essence to those who truly need it. I am tired of being the rescue guy. I still have the courage to inspire people and encourage them to keep living

Being Alive

If life carries any meaning for me, it is love. I live for those I love, those I have loved and those I may still meet. I dedicate much of my life to bringing understanding, meaning and compassion to the people I recognize as my tribe, my spirit-song. There are only a few of them, but my path has never required a crowd

There was a time when I could barely imagine a future, yet I remained here. You who are reading this may also pass through the place that currently feels endless

Keep your heart open and your eyes burning. Search for answers inside yourself when books and teachers finally fall silent Love is the only road that has continued to lead me forward. Only love makes sense. Love, and allow yourself to be loved at the same time.

Just another lucid art from last night 🌃. There is no way to see a god. But some people know indirect ways ;)

(pity quality of photo, but in future I try to fix it) 😔

Let’s turn on the microphones at the Ancient Rome and Greece station and take a deeper look. Of course, I’ll pop it up with a modern view and a few tips from my own experience

The most evident thing that can turn on hot vibes is an aspect between Venus and Mars, regardless of gender. Venus shows what attracts you, while Mars shows the manner in which you chase, challenge and act around those people

Conjunctions in Fire signs are the most obvious, especially in the second half of Sagittarius. In Aries, there is rush and quick starts, sometimes in a warrior manner where you stand guard near the house of the person you love, while also picking fights with anyone who looks at them with a curious eye

Leo is a demonstrative magnet that tries to turn all of life into a stage where Mars proclaims loud words of everlasting faithfulness, eternal love and other glitter, like bouquets, grand gestures and theatrical acts proving their loyalty. But look, if you say yes to them, it will become a whole spectaculum where only the Sun knows what they want and why

Sagittarius is a preacher of ideals, trying to get your ass while also giving you plenty of opportunities around them. Mars in Sagittarius will blame you when your worldview differs from theirs, but if you relax and say what they want to hear, something like “Yes, father,” they will be happy. Venus in Sagittarius enjoys different vacations and at least a picnic when nothing bigger is available. Their love is moving, and not only in bed

Water Matters

Scorpio is a deep experimenter who tries to break every border on the way toward passion and lust. Some of them may be into BDSM, though not as often as the guys near the end of this list. But they have fetishes, ranging from innocent details in sex scenes to the strangest kinds of play

In my experience, Scorpio is the most lustful sign. They may want you, all of you, from your toes to the halo above your head. They can make you iconic for their dirty tricks until you begin to believe in your own chosenness. But these guys cannot release you easily. They may track you on social media or stalk you around your home, while on the other hand they will rescue you even when you crash in some scummy district after a hard party

Venus here finds joy in such extremes, in love that becomes anger and anger that turns back into love. As my friend once said about one guy, “A hellish temptation of a man.” Scorpio placements, more than the other Water signs, can show transgressive shifts, though they are rarely truly fluid

Dollhouse Lads

If your guy makes scandals, lives through never-ending emotional breakdowns and treats you like God Almighty, focus on planets in Cancer and Libra

Cancer Venuses are big children who need a good mommy vibe around them. Ethical treatment, soft judgments and bit-by-bit strategies work best. Never rush a Cancer Venus, because direct and clear communication can make them crack. Their behavior is often similar to a tradwife fantasy: they cook for you, clean the house and create a perfect atmosphere. This is not bad material for a romantic prelude

Libra Mars will always, always give you the initiative. They almost never choose their own direction. Like Echo, they try to reflect your ideas, and when they love you, they rarely criticize. They simply follow. When you are looking for a pretty submissive guy, there he is. Most Libra placements also give a striking appearance and good taste in fashion

Danger Lads

Aries Sun conjunct Mars is for those who are drawn to conflict and domination, because these guys can provide far more of it than anyone asked for. The tighter the conjunction, the more active, dominant and direct the lad becomes. He is forever on your side, but once you show him that your ass has its own freedom, in the best-case scenario he simply leaves you alone

Capricorn Mars is your station when you are looking for BDSM. When Mercury and Venus are also there, they may try to use you in every possible way. The sign of Saturn looks skeptically at matters of love. Strongly concentrated Capricorn placements may simply decide that you are their property, and not only in a fetish context

But if you are consistent, composed and able to follow their rules, they will love you in their own way. Just do not make drama around their favors. When you want love to function like a career, there is your candidate

Gemini Venus conjunct Mercury is for those who want a lover rather than a boyfriend or partner, someone who stays for one night and then another night after that. Here we have Gemini stelliums, with Mercury and Venus in first place, the type Ptolemy describes as tricksters in matters of love who have many connections and very little stability

But when you look at a pretty twink, almost every one of this type has at least a few planets in Gemini, which gives them a prolonged, youthful freshness

Other Aspects of Sexual Intensity

The Moon in aspect to Mars or Venus can make a person passionate and instinctively charismatic. Their gestures and manners may carry glamour, magnetism and a small artistic spark. They often have that light in their eyes, so even when they are not flirting, most people assume they are

Neptune aspecting Mars, or Mars in Pisces, makes them look like forest spirits who rise from the mist and fade away, though the dream itself may last for a long time. Mars in Pisces has triplicity dignity, so it is not simply a weak watery Mars. They may be sexually active and sometimes blur love with alcohol or stronger substances, which is more of a warning sign than a mystical bonus

Mars-Saturn aspects say, “Our party starts at midnight, and most of the guests belong to the over-30 club.” There is an old-money type here who may hide his intentions until a more mature age, when he becomes a daddy who does exactly what he wants. Strange things clearly sleep inside the minds of these lads, and they often sexualize almost everyone around them. They are Freud-minded people in human form

Table. Picture. Guy.

Squares in synastry. No escape from cataclysm

How much do squares cost in synastry?

Every square in a chart, whether natal, predictive or synastric, has two faces. From one side, a square is trouble, pressure and an acute fuckup. People love to treat it like a small private apocalypse, especially when their birth chart has very few hard aspects and every new crisis arrives wearing the strict face of fate’s horrific hand

From the other side, people with natal squares usually live in a more active and confrontational way. They are pushed to struggle for their worldview, defend their lifestyle and repeatedly prove that their inner structure deserves to exist. There is a kind of stubborn survival instinct inside a square, but when several of them form a T-square, that private tension can grow into an epic massacre where life keeps throwing chairs until somebody finally learns the lesson

In synastry, squares light up the differences between two people. From an alchemical point of view, this is part of the Great Work, the attempt to reach balance during an albedo operation where opposing principles are forced to meet, wash off their illusions and discover whether they can merge without poisoning the entire laboratory

This is not hocus-pocus. These are prolonged life lessons where people try to build acceptance and compassion with the person they have chosen. Moon squares can turn ordinary domestic life into a battlefield over food, comfort and emotional timing. Mercury squares sharpen every word until conversation becomes hate speech with footnotes. Venus squares make affection awkward, confusing and unpleasant. Mars may fight, provoke or literally become violent when it squares personal significators. Jupiter argues about how life should be lived and what any of it means. Saturn can bring longevity on one side and turn the couple into monastery-style puritan madheads on the other

The outer planets are less direct, but they are hardly innocent. Uranus can annul the importance of the planet it touches, rejecting its core values and refusing every ordinary form of expression. Neptune immerses the relationship in a strange zone somewhere between Narnia and Silent Hill, where two people slowly forget who they are to each other. Pluto brings control, manipulation and psychological violence, often wrapped in the dramatic language of transformation because apparently every emotional crime now needs a spiritual brand identity

All these creepy things are real, and the longer a relationship continues, the more obvious these markers become. Synastry is one of the simplest ways to see another person’s values, possessions, habits and deepest motives, especially in long-term relationships where the outer planets have enough time to unfold their whole unpleasant theatre