Finding meaning as a spoonie
I think it is a very human thing to cry out for meaning in your circumstances. To beg the universe for something more. That your pain, your circumstances - that it is leading somewhere.
That things aren't just bad, but might one day have hope.
And I think this is very real and true to feel and ask for. I know it has been for me.
Ever since I was little, I had known what I wanted to do. I wanted to be Palaeontologist (although this later developed into Archaeology when I learnt that most palaeontologists focus on micro-fossils and I am very much "give me giant reptiles or else" sort of person).
But I had always known my path. Knew where I was going. I wanted to do this, and then teach people about it.
And I spent my whole life working to this goal. GCSE, A Level, undergrad, masters - it was all for that singular purpose.
Then in a blink of an eye things changed, and I developed CRPS.
That change is horrible; I am not going to lie. I was sitting in the metaphorical house that I had worked so hard to build. Holding on hope that maybe I could get better.
But then things changed again.
And like that, I was now sitting in the ruins of a life I had spent 30 years building.
It was, and still is, incredibly hard. It hurts so much to lose all of that. To realise that those dreams will never come to pass now, with the body I have. With the limitations I have.
But I slowly started to come to a realisation. Because all of this was gone, I would need to build a new life. One that worked with my new body. With my new limitations. One not constrained by previous stories or beliefs. A deeper life. One that met me where I am.
That isn't to say it is easy. And I am definitely not finished on this journey (hell I would say I have just stepped onto the metaphorical path).
But I think that maybe this might lead somewhere deeper, something more meaningful. Somewhere I didn't expect, or dream of, true. But something that actually is built with me.
And this is what I wanted to share this week. That the ruins of the life you dreamed of before chronic illness, aren't all bad. Maybe it is clearing space for something truer.
And I also want to add this. I know how hard this journey is, I am just starting out and it is already difficult. But you have an amazing community around you. This journey is tough and scary, but we are all here along this path. You aren't alone.
Ps – this is just a reflection of my mental and emotional processing on becoming a spoonie with CRPS. These experiences might not be yours, and that’s ok. We all have our own journeys as spoonies, I am sharing mine so that maybe you can find someone to travel with you on your journey.
