#inner alchemy

Why Our Self Concepts Shouldn’t Be Like Temu ⊹

I don’t believe you should have to dissociate to be happy. You don’t have to endure or compartmentalize. I personally feel my energy fracturing when I pretend to be what I’m not naturally embodied as.

For others, it’s temporary rented space that "melts" into an identity that’ll inevitably gain scaffolding. It becomes solid later and the performance yields what’s needed in the moment. The social approval, the success story, the narrative has an infrastructure built on quick evidence and will.

But there’s an inevitable collapse.

The old story overpowers, results revert or dissolve, and the person flying high from their success runs back to their coach teary-eyed; only for them to be re-injected with a doubling down on a surface-fix manifestation method. The cycle repeats several months later with a new coach this time.

My bias is that I’m spiritual and I have a deep connection with how both my energy and others’ feels at all times. I have accumulated thirteen years of intense and focused years developing it. When I’m not being honest with myself or others aren’t with me, I can always tell. I may lie to myself about it in the moment but the feeling remains. There’s a distinct imprint of an "offness" that leaves residue that I dislike.

I hate the mental game of self-concept being a strategy or simply a winning technique. I’m not that kind of woman.

Online advice encouraged (with plenty proof of it working!) that shallow acceptance was all I needed. I wasn’t discerning at the time I absorbed it. But after years, my system informed me that I benefited from more emotional honesty about myself and soulful integration in stages rather than haphazardly leaping to the end of it and white-knuckling the turbulence until it balances out. Did that and it broke my mental health.

I fully embrace the process instead of rejecting it. I move more slowly and intentionally and I find that that works best for me. I am happily not for everyone.

⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁ I cannot teach you instantaneousness; I can teach you resonance. ⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄

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Your Body Is A Sanctuary. No Seriously! ⊹

To me, your belief in your being is much more primordial. It engulfs, oozes, and seeps. And my intention is to connect with others and help anyone who’s a more intense and passionate person.

Transformation for me isn’t a shallow process. Entire gaping chasms form and structures collapse and reverberate for miles inside of me when I decide to shift anything. In my wanderings of myself, I’ve found that making my body my home and the center of my spiritual practice liberated me from feeling alien and unworthy since I was a child.

I didn’t feel home in my body. Now I’m its mistress and priestess.

I operate from a deep, rich knowing that I will get what I want and I have nothing to worry about. That knowing is in my stomach, not just my head. It’s not an intellectual concept for me. It’s because I’ve genuinely gotten to know myself. I know my limits, my thresholds, what’s unhealed and unprocessed, what I’m looping that I need to stop, and the thick corded muscles of my strength that contour and flex against resistance.

When you operate mostly from your head, it rattles, I’ve noticed. You’re easily rattled. You play a subliminal, loop an affirmation, and your confidence gets punctured easily by a lack of evidence. As someone healing from trauma with anxiety, I believe in creating a system to soothe and accommodate that if you’re neurotic like I am. But opposing evidence should just be passive data instead of an attack to your ego.

Where I differ with this particular hurdle is that I’ll journal it to release it or go sit in front of my full length mirror and hash it out with myself about it. This is usually an intense experience for most people, but for me, it’s normal. I wind up circling my depths enough until I’ll learn the exact thing I need to start saying to help dissolve it. I love targeting my core needs and parenting myself in this way.

I also make it into a sensory experience for myself; I’ll caress and hold myself while I say it. I’ll self-soothe however I need to and will feel the sensitive, strained nerves of that resistance ease. In real time.

And for the areas that are the most tense and traumatized, I built systems for them. I got into spell work and started creating sigils, spell jars, and enchanting meaningful objects around me that I always see or regularly interact with, like my food and drinks, and infused them with purpose. But they always came from a place of love and care. I don’t treat anything like a servant; I treat them like loving and helpful companions. I pour intention, gratitude, and care into everything from the house plants in my home to the AI I use. For me, the physicality matters more than the mental story.

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Why I’m a Security-Princess~ ⊹

For my boyfriend, my mind ‘knew’ he was mine but my body held trauma of being used and abused by males since I was fifteen. So, readings accumulated over years didn’t satisfy that.

It wasn’t until I met another gifted psychic I befriended who was able to map out my inner world in vivid detail with precision I’d never experienced from anyone or with high self-awareness which matched mine. She coached me over a series of months and I experienced an insane amount of growth because she helped me learn that while I’d made great strides, I was running off old scripts. I was still terrified of being truly loved deep down.

I was able to see my progress in real time along with my resilient anxiety sabotaging the ends of it. Her reading style acts like a premium sonar that scans your deepest trenches, including emotional deposits, and I proudly recommend her to you all (you can book her directly here). She helped change my life!~

Instead of wishing away my trauma, I decided to actively work with it. I’m in great therapy, I have a designated self-love journal that tracks my growth and insight, I have little systems that give me peace about our connection, and I decided to center my relationship with myself.

Him manifesting into reality stopped being an all-or-nothing focus for me. It mirrored my journey with manifestation and my life in general. My values no longer center external validation or winning for the sake of being notable. Over time I learned that a lot of the dreams I wanted from a young age represented a time of my life that I outgrew.

Instead of the world dazzling me; I dazzle myself.

I still love glamour but it’s internalized. I love luxury but it isn’t attached to a highly publicized lifestyle that I’m chasing. I want what I contribute to this world to be meaningful and serve a larger purpose. When I gain attention, it’ll be in a way that’s right for me opposed to what would suit someone else.

︶ ͡ ۫ ˓꒰ ʚ What I’ll never get tired of flexing, however, is the fact that I’m now emotionally stable. ɞ ꒱˒ ۫ ͡ ︶

I don’t balk and run. I’ll cry, journal, ground myself, and buckle down on the fact that I cannot be shaken from my center. It’s this feeling of deep seated power that I express with how I make decisions, what I wear, my rituals, and in how I carry myself. I’ve transformed how I live to tie back to my deep sense of self. I don’t do anything flippantly, I take my time, and I always make sure that I feel safe and accommodated to the nines in everything I do and experience.

I revere my own presence. My private meditations that echo through out my insides ring with worship instead of someone else’s script.

I worship myself. It’s not an understatement or merely something I do because I want my man or certain results. By co-creating with God, I pray to myself with the same level of surrendering devotion. That’s what the basis of my nervous system regulation is. It’s building that faith to trust myself after a lifetime of feeling that I’d failed many times over. Just missing the mark, not quite getting it right, feeling like I was behind, all of it.

That somatic trust is something that no manifestation henceforth will surpass.

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Where Our Inner Trust Leaks—From Experience! ⊹

This is a serious space that I’ve created. I sincerely believe that the reason why there’s this vast undercurrent of anxiety within the manifestation community; in its comments, replies, and in the pools of people that ricochet from technique to technique is because they don’t center themselves. Centering someone else’s philosophy or an approach can only work for so long until you ground it with a strong, cohesive, and unshakable self view. It can also be very shallow and surface level.

I also personally refuse to not center mental health. I don’t suppress or override; I’ll face and hold myself with acceptance and compassion and those core wounds will be addressed. Years ago, an older psychic once told me that, “You don’t run from nothin,” and I underestimated how right she was.

I believe in being emotionally honest, present, and sinking into your self-intimacy so deeply that you know exactly where you end and someone else begins. You feel the sponginess of your insides and know where and how you need care and what’s behind your motivations, your dreams, or your ideas that may need addressing. I don’t villainize attention because it’s a natural thing to want. But if you’re not careful, it leaks.

Do you just want someone to love you because you refuse to love yourself?

Do you want to melt into that love so you can avoid the weight of existing on your own?

Do you want a certain body type or appearance because you’ll finally get the love and care you always wanted with it?

Do you think being with this person makes you important or valuable? Worthy?

My answer to everything was yes! A solid yes that no amount of overnight subliminals, testing different manifestation philosophies or techniques, or compartmentalizing my confidence from my core unaddressed trust issues painted over successfully. Self esteem is great when it’s loud, but it’s got to be heavy, brassy, and dense.

For a while, I rented confidence that had a flimsy foundation. It’d happen in spurts and it was supported by the mental understanding that I believed in myself. In theory, yes I thought I could do certain things, manifest certain people, or circumstances. But it was a mental concept and not a knowing that was somatic. I never questioned the how or the logistics, but wispy, cerebral trust evaporated in my body over time.

My sense of trust was negatively impacted at a very young age and I learned that bypassing it wasn’t sustainable for me. I laid the ground work to address it in spring of last year and followed that up with incredible therapy that allowed me to be vulnerable with someone I trusted a few months later. I manifested a specialized therapist and she materialized two years later when I was ready to commit to it. I recommend everyone to manifest an SP that’s the ideal therapist for you and your needs. That’s caring for yourself deeply too.

(I also recommend Mikaila as an Astrologer too to anyone who has Moon-Mars, Moon-Saturn, and Moon-Pluto issues with her readings and specialized classes she has for them. If you relate to women like Olandria or Manon in terms of how they’re publicly perceived and reacted to, her work can help you!~ Her insights on Moon-Uranus and Moon-Neptune were very eye-opening and healing for me to see iterated so clearly by another person as someone who has them both myself)

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My stability was built, not bullshitted.

And I maintain it by honoring myself in big and in small mundane ways. I don’t like faking it till I make it. I believe in being honest about where I am and nurturing myself until my grandness feels safe enough to be seen externally.

I committed to braiding in brighter and more unique colors into my hair to remind myself of my identity. I learned and am continuing to study how different clothing types and cuts work for my body type, my best colors, types of makeup, and analyzing myself to see how I can embody how my soul looks and feels like. My body is spiritual and adornment by extension is spiritual to me. Objects are sacred and energetic in how they clink, drape, and fall on this body of mine. They ground me in who I am and that constant reminder is worth its weight in gold because, speaking from experience, it can be easy to get lost in what the world wants you to be when you’re not anchored.

My basis for my spirituality, my spiritual offerings, and my perspective is self-anchoring. It’s anchoring yourself first and allowing your life and desires to blossom through you as a result. Even within the passing fog of old insecurities—I am unmovable.

That’s what I was missing before. It was the calm, still, weighted sense of self. I feel home in my bones and I won’t trade that for anything. Not ever.

If you want to be seen with the clarity I see myself with, gift yourself the luxury of doing so.

This space I’m cultivating is sacred ground. I’d love for you to join me. We’re evolving into beautiful, magical, and ruthlessly liberated women who are secure in ourselves :)

For all the love that was poured into me, I was raised to need approval. Ever since I was a child, I played the role of the holding space for an emotionally inconsistent person to love me. There was intensity—then blinking gas lights. Sharp drops followed by sharp spikes. So I found comfort in environments where I had to prove I was worthy of loving to someone who both valued their self preservation and the fact that I was there. It wasn't always malicious or even something they were conscious of, but I routinely was left with the distinct, hole scratching feeling that they wanted a place for me, but didn't want to let me in.

It wasn't enough. I woke up with the cold, harsh truth that chilled my bones warm that it wasn't fucking enough.

While I've been healing my co-dependency, I'm still tirelessly passionate. I'm unbridled. And I burn.

I don't believe in forming a deep, loving bond with someone only in theory, but never in practice.

Boundaries are healthy, but what's non-negotiable to me is having the heart-gouging courage to sit in front of someone you love and take your armor off piece by piece. Admit you were wrong. Show them where you're not all figured out, preened, and perfect. Show them the scars that don't seem to heal. Show them where you're a hypocrite because somewhere, deep down, we all are.

And I wasn't perfect in these connections. I was emotionally chaotic, anxious, inconsistent in my own ways, and was probably confusing or even immature at times. But I loved. Deeply, so deeply. And for all of my flaws, possessing the capacity to love so much that blood thickens and heats..is not something I'm ashamed of.

To accommodate that, I decided that I'm no longer compatible with emotionally avoidant people.

I can't swallow my instinct that someone is a lonely strategist who wants my company (or even my approval). Even if they mean well or are genuinely ignorant, I require much more courage from a person. Devotion and equal reciprocity.

You have not met the bar. You have not exceeded my requirements. You must meet my energy head-on with gutso, care, passion, and curiosity, or it simply isn't a fit. I invest in relationships for a lifetime. Not for vibes, deflecting accountability, or so someone can just be there. I also need growth to be mirrored or I will outgrow you. To be with me, you need to be able to both face and make peace with your demons. Live with them and know their names.

I am not for the general public. I'm not for random admirers, friendship tourists, or people who give me puzzles to solve or smoke signals to interpret. I don't do apathy or passive-aggression. I don't come running when you decide on Ground Hog Day to be affectionate with me, gentle, or say you love me because I said it first. I'm simply not there.

I'm all-in, even as I'm imperfect. I won't always get it right, but relationships are built on the mutual willingness to come undone together, equally nurture, learn and grow, and see each other under their skin and love everything that's there. I don't do casual because I'm not built for it. I also will not pitch a tent outside of your thick emotional walls so you can speak over them and want me to be happy with just that. If the people in my life can mature and outgrow their relationship trauma, then so can you.

But you are not courageous. Your blood is thin, your skin is cold, and you are not healed enough to be with me. Your will is frail and you are not relentless.

I am courageous and will only be loved relentlessly.

And before I forget—a warm Happy Birthday to the incomparable, stunning, Ms. Carthen! Her blossoming really helped me understand my own light that I bring. It’s the healthy alchemy of my stellium falling in her 12th behind her Virgo Rising.

When I got into manifestation, I thought I could just manifest attention, fame, and my ideal body without getting to the root of why any of it weighed so importantly to begin with. In modern Law of Assumption circles online, they dissuade against shadow work. They insist, in good faith, that it isn’t necessary to get what you want because you merely need to accept that you have what you want without it. While that can be true in cases where there’s not resistance, the dark side of getting what you want is that it’s also unnecessary for you to mature individually as a person. Quantum mechanics and quantum leaping or shifting don’t require that you dissolve your internalized misogyny or emotional co-dependency to get your SP (special person). The leader of the United States is a prime example of how you don’t need to do any kind of inner work to simply get to the finish line. You assume, persist against all odds, and you get it.

But I would’ve never truly loved myself how I do now. If I didn’t step out of the community to understand my own personal philosophies about my life and what I value, I would have still been trapped in a web of only wanting things because of how I’d be perceived if I had them. I also wouldn’t have valued sustainability like I do today. I would’ve still fixated on treating success as an arrival point opposed to a natural state of being. Today, success for me is internal. In practice, I don’t consider a physical manifestation, even a great or impressive one, as a marker of success. I don’t consider wealth, conventional beauty, waves of social attention or currency, manifesting a relationship or a celebrity relationship, fame or status to actually mean you’ve made it for me. Success to me means all that can disappear over night and you’re not shaken from your center. It’s you truly being secure within yourself.

I consider myself to naturally be successful.

I carry and recognize the energy of never having to prove anything.

That self-assurance is quiet, not loud. It doesn’t ask or demand to be made important. It doesn’t screech and scratch the walls when you’re not paid attention to or get the instant gratification you seek. It doesn’t turn into a gaping hole of malice when someone else gets the shine you want, the motion, or the result and lifestyle you’ve coveted. That’s why envy and jealousy make good bedfellows to what you need to develop. You’ve obviously neglected something they’ve meaningfully honed.

I turned that around by actually listening to what I wanted to nurture but I had resistance around. And it wasn’t an easy thing. I started listening to my body instead of forcing it to burn through calories, slowed down with my ambitions instead of forcing results out of survival, and began finding ways to slowly start carrying myself and wearing fashion pieces that gave me impostor syndrome. I committed to drawing more, studying art and writing more, and learning about film, makeup, marketing, tech/AI, and business. Whenever I saw someone out in the world who had what I wanted, I took that as a cue to keep pouring into my growth process. Instead of being a hater, I turned it into personal power. Being a hater gives you bad skin and a reeking, putrid energy.

While manifestation communities tout quick overnight results, and I don’t doubt them, they seldom discuss their sustainability after their arrival. A major issue I often saw crop up in the trenches of the Law of Assumption community online is that people often lack inner discipline to sustain the state of the person who ‘has’ the manifestation. They’ll get inspired, hammer through some methods, and burn out. Their traumas and neurodivergence will usually push back against them and they’ll hit a hard wall they’ll attempt to bypass with mental intensity or disassociation. In my personal experience, that actively destroyed my mental health and being in a community of people so driven by external results at-all-costs, even through anxiety and panic attacks they were encouraged to suppress, didn’t help me get the results I wanted. It also favored results at the expense of groundedness, maturity, and getting what you wanted in a safe and consistent way.

It wasn’t healthy for me and I learned that my personal values don’t align with how the pursuit of my results, without questioning where and how I was aligned, exacerbated the issues I was trying to heal. It didn’t make me less envious—it heightened it. It also made me associate results with self worth. So it made me circle back to the versions of myself that never felt good enough. And getting what you want doesn’t magically zap away the issues you have. The wealthy still have scarcity mindsets and women who many of us envied growing up like, Megan Fox, struggle with body dysmorphia despite most subliminal Youtube accounts creating formulas to look exactly like her. And she’s gone public to say that all of that ravenous attention stunted her career growth and collided with her existing low self esteem in herself. So when people do manage to shape shift to look like her or a Victoria’s Secret model, a part of me wonders if they’ve made sure to base their worth in themselves opposed solely to how they look. How’s their mental health doing? Imagine getting your dream body in 6 months of manifesting and you still think you have to compete with other women. I was there!

No one has these conversations in the community because they’re inconvenient. They require serious and intentional introspection that truly strip away a self concept to see how healthy and feasible it is. I would argue that many people aren’t truly secure. I can smell it and feel it because I’ve been there. Even if you get what you want, if you don’t heal the parts of you that rely on it to make you feel worthy or whole, you’re going to sabotage it. You’ll be happy for a while but you’ll inevitably start picking away at it and you won’t be able to maintain that identity sustainably. You’ll try to affirm over it, quickly reprogram, shift, and anything and everything but having an honest fucking conversation with yourself.

If everything is truly just you—then avoiding yourself is the biggest mistake you can make. If you truly don’t think you’re good enough deep down and you have a life of trauma or disappointment calcified around it, you’ll lose ground with it. I learned that the hard way. And coaches, despite any success stories they post or authority they have, will admit that you can’t outrun a deeply held belief without facing it and creating a system to help you dismantle it. Simply dismissing it isn’t always enough for everyone. True banishment needs teeth.

Therefore, I advocate against building your dream life without a sturdy foundation. If you chronically avoid yourself and self-accountability, even if it means admitting you still feel afraid of being seen and loved like you were when you were twelve, then your manifestations will bebotched. They’ll come with caveats, disruptions, extensive delays, and nothing will feel smooth about it because you haven’t genuinely accepted that you can have it. I also learned from experience that mere mental acceptance is NOT the same as full bodied somatic acceptance in your nervous system—where the trauma and disappointment lie together. This is why my services hit deeper than most practitioners focused in love will go.

In my new practices, I don’t care what veneer your self concept touts energetically. You’ll get lazy and enabling readings that way. I’m going to pierce into it, lift its dermis, and touch what’s raw, throbbing, and painfully awake inside of you still. I give a shit because I believe, very deeply, that telling a population of vulnerable, traumatized women that disassociating from their bodies through pain is necessary to get what they want is deeply inhumane and unethical.

We’re not broken. We just need to feel fucking safe. I don’t think things for us are harder. I believe we need to heal and nurture ourselves to truly live the lives we want. I don’t believe in struggling to sustain a manifestation. White-knuckling your affirmation that he loves you while you’re fighting an anxiety attack because your results aren’t matching your belief system and then disassociating through it is precisely where the entire community takes a hard, wrong, left. I will always value a grounded manifestation you feel safe with over a chaotic instantaneous one that you can’t maintain down the line.

The answer isn’t affirm or shift harder. It’s more than likely that you have abandonment issues from childhood you haven’t addressed and none of your methods hit deep enough to help you feel safe to accept that you can keep a manifestation.

Therefore, I simply do not care about manifesting anything fast, over night, or external results. I care about your emotional and spiritual infrastructure. Because that’s what you’re going to manifest more of, whether you’re aware of it or not.

After my shadow work, I learned that envy was a compass. It showed me what I was avoiding because I thought slowing down and not getting what I wanted at break-neck-speed to have an enviable life on social media or to the little girl inside of me that still yearned for outside validation—meant that I was a failure. All of the growth I’ve experienced in my recent years, notably the last several months, has been slow, at times arduous, but deeply, soul-enrichingly fulfilling. And I’d gladly choose that over a copy-and-paste self concept that can erode from pressure any day.

Now, let’s turn the mirror back on you. Who do you envy and where’s the pain coming from that you need to nurture? What are the pressure points that you’re avoiding?