pjm

the lies, the cheating, the manipulation.. everything you did to me while i was only trying to show you real love

you say what we had was real, and you know you will never find someone better suited for you, someone who would love you as wholly and deeply as i did, someone who stood by you throughout everything

you let me believe we were forever, we lived together, we were talking about a marriage and a family

all for you to tear it all down

why did you do this to me? what did i do to ever deserve this?

this pain is unbearable and i feel like it will end me

all i wanted was to love you and be loved by you for the rest of our lives

and i will never understand how someone can do this to another person

got my first therapy session this morning

3 fucking times now

why am i not good enough

unfortunately, right now.. he is my biggest heartbreak. today is mother’s day and i can’t stop thinking about that alternate universe that we are happily together with our 2 year old child. that alternate universe in which the most amazing incredible loving man i have ever met never cheated, never sought attention in other people.

he loved every inch of me, my body, my soul, he made me feel like i could conquer the world. he helped me understand that the world needs me, that i can accomplish anything i dream of. yet, i am here living in the apartment we got together, without him. i am here with the memories of our laughter and tears, alone. with the ideations of how life could have been.

and i hope and wish and pray every single second that he returns to me. he says he doesn’t understand why he did what he did, and is distraught at what he has had to walk away from.

maybe it’s good that the pregnancy test was negative. because i don’t want to explain to my baby that their dad lied to their mother every day while he was seeking approval in everyone that wasn’t her.

Be proud of yourself, we got so far and we would’ve missed out on a lot of amazing moments in life

Yes, there has been plenty of bad times, but now you have an amazing boyfriend who loves every inch of you, all the parts you hated he adores

You have a job, amazing friends, and a lot of tattoos

am i supposed to feel so alone constantly?

there has been many times in those years I wish I have taken more

But there should never be anything to apologise for, nothing to have to make up for

Yet there always is