Well technically on meds...

Because just being awake is so energy consuming and that can't sleep the days off (i tried), I don't have the energy to take my meds when in normale time it's already a gigantic task because of how awful it taste

It's so bad that I'm am at a point where i'm forcing myself (like really hard) to at least take half my dose of sertraline every other day

So I'm basically switching all day between death and overthinking every moment of my life and spiraling into introspection (particulary on my romantic identity)

Don't get me wrong, introspection is not a bad thing but under 37°C and sleep deprivation, I dont wanna be stuck on analysing the homoerotic friendship that messed me up

Or trying to understand if my strong feelings for some people are rooted in aromantism or autism or both

AND FINALLY I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT : how maybe if I was less of a "weirdo" (ableism baby) maybe we would have dated

Maybe she would had no shame in being close to me in front of others

Maybe things would have end up differently

I hate the heatwave and the unmedication because it make me think of her and how part of me still miss her

And i'm afraid i might still love her no matter how shitty she was to me or how horrible of a person she is now

How can I get over a relationship that never really was

How can I forget how I was too much yet not enough

How can I forget us being more than friends but not quite lovers

How can I live knowing that the person I miss and might still love might never have existed ans only be a creation of my mind

I keep on wondering how could things end up like they did