My self-love journey

One afternoon in March, I received an unexpected email asking for my old dog's medical history to be sent to a local rehoming centre.

When my ex-husband and I separated in 2023, he kept the dog. I kept the cat and the snake. Since our separation, I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken, so it's safe to say we've not been on talking terms.

When I got the email, I reached out to him to ask what was going on with the dog. He was giving her up as he and our other ex could no longer manage looking after her due to moving jobs and moving property again.

I asked if I could see her one last time before she went to the rehoming centre. He said no - on the basis of it being confusing for her to see me again after years of absence, just to have me disappear. This rejection hurt at the time, but I quickly understood the logic.

I explained I would soon be able to work from home and in a position where I could look after her.

Here, A switched to "you" statements, describing the way I was in 2022-23: highly depressed, demotivated, often in bed until the early afternoon, unable to look after our pets some days, unable to look after myself any day.

I told him "I don't think you get to tell me what I want or feel... The me you think you know died at the end of [our] relationship... I haven't messaged to see [the dog] because it would involve seeing you and I don't want to see you after the way you treated me and my friends."

Another three "you" statements from him. I brought this to his attention. He dismissed it.

We both concluded that the current conversation was unproductive, and I gave my consent to the vets for the dog's history to be shared with the rescue organisation.

Even then, it was clear to me that my ex-husband hadn't changed nearly as much as I have in the years we've been apart. Since we've not been on talking terms, obviously I don't know for sure, but I highly suspect he hasn't sought any counselling or therapy for what happened, despite being given thousands of pounds in the separation.

Two weeks later, I received another message from him. "Morning, I was thinking more about if you were serious about taking the dog?" I told him yes, I was serious, but that I had spoken with friends and reflected more on the impact another pet would have on me and my cats, ultimately deciding not to intervene. He reacted 👍🏻, and that was all.

He hasn't had the privilege of watching me find myself and flourish, free of the relationship that seemingly suppressed most parts of who I was meant to be.

Maybe he'd still be in the friend group if he had taken any accountability for the fallout between us. Maybe he and I would be friends.

I'm not the best at updating this diary, huh.

The timeline in this post is going to jump back and forth a bit.

I received counselling from Melanie from early January to late April, before we agreed that I had made all possible progress in a safe setting towards moving past T. The remaining progress would have to be made as and when I meet new people and start to become emotionally invested.

I was promisingly quick to reach out to and confide in family and friends about what happened with T. Everyone I told was more understanding and supportive than I had thought they would be, which was a comforting surprise.

I've kept up regular attendance of group yoga and archery, both of which I'm still thoroughly enjoying. A friend has joined the same archery group so it's a little bit more social than when I was attending solo.

After making considerable progress forgetting about T, I received an unexpected message from him two months after I cut contact. It was received at 1:03am. It was an apology and admittance that he had been struggling with his mental health when he had dropped the asexuality bombshell on me over the phone. He told me I am a beautiful person and wished me the best.

I agreed that I am beautiful, reminded us both of my boundary of honest communication, and wished him "luck in self-discovery and growth in communication". Of course, I had many more thoughts and things I wanted to say, but determined I shouldn't spend more of my energy trying to help someone who hurt me.

I really hope I never see him again. I doubt I will, unless he starts leaving his flat more than he did when we dated. As I shared in my most recent short post, I don't think he was necessary or beneficial for my growth.

A couple of Fridays later, I recall becoming overstimulated by noise at work - claws on the lino floor, nothing out of the ordinary, and also not preventable. Getting out of the practice during my lunch break didn't help, so I went home a few hours early. That was the last time I went to my job at the vets. I hadn't wanted it to end in burnout like that.

I had been looking with more intent for job opportunities for a few weeks and had applied for a couple of public sector vacancies. Long story short, I landed a job with my old employer, and started in late April. The complete lack of (external) customer-facing tasks, ability to work from home, and fair pay have been a breath of fresh air. My stress levels are back within a healthy range. The job is fixed-term until the end of September 2027, and I have access to internal vacancies in the organisation.

I started dating again in late January, just shy of three weeks after I cut contact with T, but nobody was very promising. Conversations fizzled out, even with two of the three ladies I met on Breeze, who I thought had all seemed quite interested.

The third woman though: E. We had our first date on 11th April, and we've seen each other between once and twice a week since then. We've had open, vulnerable conversations about what happened in January, and recently I let her read my blog post about it. She makes me feel calm, lighter, safer with every date. I maintain a cautious optimism about what could happen between us.

Over this last weekend, E and I went to Decade. I hadn't been since I went with T in December so I was a bit worried something might go wrong, but we had a wonderful night together and walked home in our heels at 3am.

Twelve of my friends and I drove north to Kingussie in mid-May for a short getaway. We went canoeing, to the reindeer centre (personal highlight), played D&D, drank, laughed and ate to our hearts' content. I will cherish some of these photographs for years to come.

A friend someone I knew... was going through a breakup at the same time, so we helped each other through it. I later learnt that this person had been leaving out the parts of their experience that extremely incriminated them, so I told them I couldn't continue speaking to someone accused of coercive control and sexual manipulation. Not a difficult farewell by any means.

In the coming months, I'll be travelling to London in July to see one of my all-time favourite bands, My Chemical Romance. I truly didn't think I'd get the chance to see them so jumped as soon as the gig was announced. In a delightful coincidence, E will be visiting her friend in London at the same time, so we've agreed to meet up on a few of the days to be tourists together.

So uh, it's been a while.

Things didn't work out with R. We called it off in mid-April. I didn't communicate openly enough when I was concerned about something quite minor. I took a couple of weeks of work because I felt a bit hopeless and quite demotivated.

We've spoken only a handful of times since, and we both insist we didn't hurt each other as much as we feared.

I've gotten better at speaking to friends and family when I feel overwhelmed. I met Tiger shortly after me and R broke up. I've caught up with dad much more often than I used to, and it feels good to have him be more of a regular appearance in my life.

Download was INCREDIBLE! After a rocky first day due to having a past-its-best weed milkshake for breakfast, I was sensible with cider and joints for the remaining days.

Artists/bands: Green Day, Weezer, Rise Against, Boston Manor, Starset, Sleep Token, Don Broco, Poppy, Static Dress, Awolnation, Korn, Bullet For My Valentine, Spiritbox, The Ghost Inside, House of Protection

A new girl, P, messaged me on Instagram out of nowhere just before Download. This led me down another path of failed romance. She wanted an open relationship so she could continue to explore her own sexuality with her best friend (with benefits). I tried for months to change my own boundaries to suit hers. We spoke between May and September.

Next up was T. We matched on a dating app for the second time and it turned out we had spoken before P messaged me. Despite setting a boundary early on that I needed to take things slowly, we ended up in a relationship after knowing each other for six weeks. After four weeks in the relationship, he told me over the phone that he thought he might be asexual. My mind drew parallels to how L had tried to pick and choose which parts of me he wanted 2½ years ago. This triggered a tearful emotional response.

Over the following 8 days, during which I took time off work due to extremely high anxiety, T couldn't find it in himself to rebuild the trust we had prior to that phone call (nobody knows what he meant by this). He communicated everything by text, and ignored two requests to speak either on the phone or in person. I told him "don't message me again". The initial relief from having this closure soon gave way to depression.

I reached out to my counsellor, friends and family, who showed up when I needed them most. Melanie helped me to realise T was deceptive on purpose, gaslit me on multiple occasions (asking me to communicate my feelings more openly, then rejecting them), and empowered me to ask again to speak in person, leading to the voice notes I recorded and the texts he sent back.

It's now been 22 days since T asked for a break, and 14 days since I told him not to contact me. My emotions fluctuate every day. I really thought he was genuine.

Melanie and I will be working on how I can protect myself from getting so hurt in future, and how to stop high anxiety levels from putting my life/work on hold.

I am not to tell the people I'm dating my time frame (no big decisions will be made until speaking regularly for 12 weeks), and I am only to disclose feelings of anxiety to people I truly know I can trust to not use my negative thoughts against me.

Three failed dating experiences in the space of 9 months is disheartening. Melanie has reassured me that the ways I communicate, set boundaries, and cut ties when I realise it's not what I had hoped are improving.

I have to trust that this pain will be worth it in the end.

To end on a more positive note: last week I attended my first yoga class in about 2 years, and tonight I'm going to archery for the first time in 3 years. Soon I will be planning a trip to London in July to see My Chemical Romance, supported by Joan Jett, and do some sightseeing.

Films: Sinners, Final Destination, Jurassic World, Kpop Demon Hunters, Bring Her Back, Weapons, The Woman in the Yard, Shelby Oaks, Predator, A Hundred Beavers, American Psycho

Concerts: Hot Milk (twice!), Download, Nova Twins, Bad Omens, Pet Needs

I've not posted an update in a while, huh? TLDR: I'm feeling pretty good.

Films: Nosferatu, The Monkey, The Woman in the Yard

Gigs: Hot Milk

I spent Hogmanay firstly with friends then at the club, but headed home as I truly was not feeling it. I arrived home with 10 minutes to spare before the bells, and timed it so the clock ticked to 00:00 as sexy riff in 'The Summoning' began.

The first full week of the year was my last week with my old employer. My leaving do was on Wednesday evening and about 10-15 colleagues showed up to help me celebrate, which was lovely! I finished up on the Friday, handing back my badge and laptop, then started my new job on three days later on the Monday.

All in all, my new job is fantastic. It's in the veterinary sector, which is where I want to build a career for myself, the team is so supportive and good-humoured, I get to see beautiful animals every single day! There are a number of processes I still don't fully understand (cough insurance cough) but I'm getting there. I've made a few mistakes as well in my inexperience and have taken full accountability in all cases.

T dropped off the face of the earth in February. He's not been on WhatsApp or Instagram since the 4th of that month. In a panic, late at night, I ended up driving to his flat (30+ miles away) to discover he wasn't home.

During January and February, I went on a handful of dates with different people. For a while, I had been feeling burnt out by dating.

On 5th March, I went on a first date with R. I had wanted to take her for brunch at a restaurant near where my family stay, but it was closed 😩 so instead, we went to a long-time favourite among my friend group. We spent two hours together, as I was due to work that afternoon, and it went so quickly. She was outgoing, talkative, comfortable. On 30th March, I nervously asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. Having spoken now for 5 weeks with zero arguments, my fear that I'd end up in another K situation is fast fading.

16th March marked one year since I moved back into my home. It's not changed too much in terms of decoration, but it absolutely feels like mine.

In late March, I went out with friends to a club night playing exclusively Gaga songs, and experienced again the shyness I felt on Hogmanay. I still don't fully know why this feeling comes up. I need to monitor my thoughts next time I'm out with the group.

I caught up with dad earlier in April. We drove to North Berwick, got takeaway food from the chippie and ate together looking at the sea. I told him about R and showed him photos we had taken together the previous day. We then walked along the high street, I bought a new t-shirt, we got an ice-cream cone each and walked back to the car.

I'm excited to camp at Download in June! It will bring social challenges - nothing I can't handle. I also have tickets to see Nova Twins again in October, which I'm buzzing for! 🐝

My plan for the future remains largely unchanged:

Continue to live at my current home, as I've grown to cherish the peace here.

Make a conscious effort to invite family and friends over more often. The isolation here is a blessing but also a curse. I need to ensure I keep in touch with my social circle in the city.

Gigs: Luke Kidgell (solo), Bambi Thug, Caravan Palace, Sleep Token (solo)

Films: Deadpool 2, Alien: Romulus, Pulp Fiction, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, Speak No Evil, The Substance, Silent Men, Terrifier (1, 2 & 3)

I met K, an American woman who I had been speaking to on WhatsApp since the start of the year, in person. From the start I clarified that I was interested in dating and creating good memories together, and not yet ready for a long-term relationship. We hung out in person a few times, including a lovely picnic date at the local botanic gardens. It was inevitable that our contrasting desires would cause fallout, though I didn't anticipate being called abusive. That one threw me off for a couple weeks. I'm still not certain how I could have communicated more clearly with her.

I spent August with my new kitten (Misha!!!!!!!!!), catching up with friends, horse-riding, and studying towards a certificate (Animal Welfare in the Clinic) to help me re-enter the veterinary field.

To put Misha into words feels diminutive. He is as cuddly a cat as ever I could desire, with the typical playfulness of an energetic and naïve kitten. He and Wookiee don't yet get along, due to the current difference in temperaments and Misha's tendency to stare. Wookiee hasn't been overly stressed as previously shown by her habit of overgrooming her tummy.

I hoped to acquaint myself with the Beltane Fire Society to be involved as a Torchbearer for Samhuinn Fire Festival, but the/my energy wasn't right. There is always the option to return for future Beltanes and Samhuinns.

In early November, I encountered C again on a dating app and 'tapped' him to see what would happen. We started talking again, then hanging out in person to watch movies (Terrifier series). Eventually, I asked what caused him to stop speaking to me in winter 2023, a conversation I'd put off for the entire year to date. He told me he was scared he had hurt me (he had, but what good would sharing this accomplish?) and the anxiety of doing so again kept him from contacting me. Since we had this conversation, which I believe to be honest, we've been speaking much more often. The only disappointment I carry is that he wants to remain friends. Had I known that night at his would have been the only night, I would have behaved differently, adventurously.

B and I have continued to keep in close contact, meeting regularly to watch F1 and spend time together. It remains open, wholesome, caring... honest. For my birthday, I received a touching card from him, which I have deliberately kept (I usually recycle them).

In October, I had a small but impactful accident while horse-riding. I was driven by fellow riders to hospital to check for cranial bleeds (none). In the days following, I was less prone to hesitation, deciding then was the time to confess attraction for my crush, A, who didn't feel the same. It wouldn't feel right to call this a 'knockback' because it brought me peace of mind that I could move on, dedicate my energy, time and affections to people who may return it.

I've been on other dates with a dozen or so other guys, only one of which has bourn what I so far think will be a lasting connection: T.

T is a bearish guy in his 30s who I started talking to in November. His music taste overlaps with mine, he's into cinema and gaming, and we seem so far to truly appreciate each other's company. We went on five dates in the same number of weeks and I thoroughly enjoyed each. He's recently single (since October) and going to therapy sessions; I tread lightly with the memory of K still quite fresh in mind.

Throughout the year, it's been made clear to me that (the majority of) my friends have 'sided' with me following the split with my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend. A few centrists remain, enjoying the occasional company of both in turn. It's unfortunate that A's behaviour last Halloween had such an impact on their general standing in the group - however, not my monkey, not my circus. Time will tell if the wounds of our tumultuous relationship heal in a pleasant way.

My mood overall is the highest I can recall it ever being. I haven't felt the need to contact Melanie, though I have been meaning to write her a letter of thanks to let her know I'm alive, healthy and as close to happy as ever. I'm conscious that the way I approach problems and react to setbacks is different now, logical. I see this as positive, but I'm aware others may see it as cold or blunt.

Now, I personally feel more ready to enter a long-term relationship with someone, but I'm not actively seeking this. Indeed, I tire of dating apps and suspect the majority will soon disappear from my phone - Tinder was uninstalled this morning, four others remain.

This year, I want to challenge myself socially to be more spontaneous and visit new places (namely, Pipeworks in Glasgow). I'm starting a new job as a veterinary receptionist in mid-January. I booked my ticket for Download and will be camping with A (yet another 'A'). If I can afford it, I hope to go on holiday with friends again.

Many treasured occasions with friends and family, including the Meadows Festival, loads of cinema trips.

I saw one of my favourite artists, PVRIS, live in mid-May and had an amazing time!

I got a new tattoo and named him Ramsay McCoffin. He is very tall and doesn't like to spend money, so is like me in those respects.

TATT

My gran was moved into hospital partway through May and passed in late June, a week or so before her 87th birthday. She spoke calmly of her death and was as ready as one could ever be. It was clear she missed her husband, family and friends who she had lost earlier in her life. Her funeral was beautiful and moving. It was tough to see both of my sisters in tears at the choice of music and the closing of the curtain in front of her coffin.

I completed training to become a Facilitator at Andy's Man Club. I remember the early days where it provided the only space I could talk about my relationship tensions at the time. Crying in a room full of unknown men was a bizarre experience, but a worthwhile one. I hope to give back to AMC and encourage others to attend whenever they're struggling with high stress and/or poor mental health.

I've been really enjoying any time spent with B watching Formula 1 races, getting dinner together, and going for walks/drives. We've connected on an unexpected level and it's awesome. I feel we're helping each other through stuff. I still wonder if we'd be good as an item, and I mention it occasionally in a half-joking manner, but I don't think he thinks he's ready for that, which is valid.

Things are going well with K this time. We met in person for the first time in July, the same week she moved back to Scotland, and had a really good time together. We're going on a picnic date to the Botanic Gardens tomorrow, which should be lovely.

I've not spoken to my crush, A, in a while. I'd like to, but I guess I'm scared of rejection. Maybe sometime I'll pluck up the courage to ask her to meet up again for dinner and/or chill drinks - I might ask now instead of inevitably procrastinating.

I've started going to visit kittens for sale in the last week, but I'm not entirely sure why. I know that sounds silly, but I feel there must be a deeper reason I feel the need for a new creature in my life. I'm not sure if I'll end up following through as it is a big decision to make since Wookiee (my resident cat) would also be affected.

My exes continue to be gradually ostracised from the friendship group. In late July, a new gaming chat was created and I was able to play games in a safe environment with a friend for the first time in around a year. We had a good time, but it was hard to hear them as their partner was gaming quite loudly in the background - no shade though!

Did you have a fun April Fools'? I hope your month is full of happiness and nice surprises. Remember that you deserve to treat yourself, and have a nice month!

(Also, side note! We now have a mailing list! You can tell us if you want to be added and keep on getting these monthly messages or not, there's a bit more info on our blog ^^)

Wow, I've not logged in here in a couple of months, which can only be good!

My exes finally found a new place and moved out half-way through March. I've been back in my house for 6 weeks now and feel so positive! The first 2 weeks were tough physically as the house was unclean and the garden full of dog waste. My dad and his wife were a huge help during the cleaning and redecorating process and I'm truly so grateful to be surrounded by people willing to help me through the most challenging times.

In January, I booked myself a holiday to Tenerife. We used to go on childhood holidays there and I wanted to go back as an adult on a solo trip. When I first booked it, this was something positive for me to focus on, as I otherwise had no idea when I would be moving home. Once I received the news that the house would be mine again, this holiday became a reward and a celebration!

This weekend, I'll be hosting my "house(re)warming" and giving back to all of the people who helped me through the second-worst year of my life so far. I plan to thank everyone personally for how they supported me. I'm sure it will end up being an emotional night in the best possible way.

It has been difficult moving back here in the sense that all of my friends and family live far from me. I'm on the edge of the city and need to travel for some time to access events and clubs. I'm working on more ways to meet new people out here so I don't feel isolated.

Earlier this month, I reconnected with C again, essentially gauging if he cared at all to keep in touch. The answer is no, not really, because he doesn't contact me of his own accord due to anxiety (undisclosed kind). It's not a connection I feel benefits me because I'm always messaging him, never vice versa.