#aug 2025

So uh, it's been a while.

Things didn't work out with R. We called it off in mid-April. I didn't communicate openly enough when I was concerned about something quite minor. I took a couple of weeks of work because I felt a bit hopeless and quite demotivated.

We've spoken only a handful of times since, and we both insist we didn't hurt each other as much as we feared.

I've gotten better at speaking to friends and family when I feel overwhelmed. I met Tiger shortly after me and R broke up. I've caught up with dad much more often than I used to, and it feels good to have him be more of a regular appearance in my life.

Download was INCREDIBLE! After a rocky first day due to having a past-its-best weed milkshake for breakfast, I was sensible with cider and joints for the remaining days.

Artists/bands: Green Day, Weezer, Rise Against, Boston Manor, Starset, Sleep Token, Don Broco, Poppy, Static Dress, Awolnation, Korn, Bullet For My Valentine, Spiritbox, The Ghost Inside, House of Protection

A new girl, P, messaged me on Instagram out of nowhere just before Download. This led me down another path of failed romance. She wanted an open relationship so she could continue to explore her own sexuality with her best friend (with benefits). I tried for months to change my own boundaries to suit hers. We spoke between May and September.

Next up was T. We matched on a dating app for the second time and it turned out we had spoken before P messaged me. Despite setting a boundary early on that I needed to take things slowly, we ended up in a relationship after knowing each other for six weeks. After four weeks in the relationship, he told me over the phone that he thought he might be asexual. My mind drew parallels to how L had tried to pick and choose which parts of me he wanted 2½ years ago. This triggered a tearful emotional response.

Over the following 8 days, during which I took time off work due to extremely high anxiety, T couldn't find it in himself to rebuild the trust we had prior to that phone call (nobody knows what he meant by this). He communicated everything by text, and ignored two requests to speak either on the phone or in person. I told him "don't message me again". The initial relief from having this closure soon gave way to depression.

I reached out to my counsellor, friends and family, who showed up when I needed them most. Melanie helped me to realise T was deceptive on purpose, gaslit me on multiple occasions (asking me to communicate my feelings more openly, then rejecting them), and empowered me to ask again to speak in person, leading to the voice notes I recorded and the texts he sent back.

It's now been 22 days since T asked for a break, and 14 days since I told him not to contact me. My emotions fluctuate every day. I really thought he was genuine.

Melanie and I will be working on how I can protect myself from getting so hurt in future, and how to stop high anxiety levels from putting my life/work on hold.

I am not to tell the people I'm dating my time frame (no big decisions will be made until speaking regularly for 12 weeks), and I am only to disclose feelings of anxiety to people I truly know I can trust to not use my negative thoughts against me.

Three failed dating experiences in the space of 9 months is disheartening. Melanie has reassured me that the ways I communicate, set boundaries, and cut ties when I realise it's not what I had hoped are improving.

I have to trust that this pain will be worth it in the end.

To end on a more positive note: last week I attended my first yoga class in about 2 years, and tonight I'm going to archery for the first time in 3 years. Soon I will be planning a trip to London in July to see My Chemical Romance, supported by Joan Jett, and do some sightseeing.

Films: Sinners, Final Destination, Jurassic World, Kpop Demon Hunters, Bring Her Back, Weapons, The Woman in the Yard, Shelby Oaks, Predator, A Hundred Beavers, American Psycho

Concerts: Hot Milk (twice!), Download, Nova Twins, Bad Omens, Pet Needs

1. 131 notes - Aug 24 2025

2. 77 notes - Aug 24 2025

3. 72 notes - Aug 30 2025

4. 55 notes - Aug 29 2025

5. 54 notes - Aug 21 2025

6. 50 notes - Aug 31 2025

7. 47 notes - Aug 27 2025

8. 42 notes - Aug 21 2025

9. 41 notes - Aug 20 2025

10. 40 notes - Aug 20 2025

Here’s my gardens. I do love my roses. I haven’t had a minute to admire them since I usually summer at my villa in the south of France.

Here’s my reflecting pool and just behind that is my swimming pool. I swim like a drowning rat.

1 fanfic posts (-5)

featured characters (and # of times featured): - 1 connor (-5) - 1 hank (-1)

6 fanart posts (-4)

- 3 illustrations (-5) - 3 comics (+1) - 1 animatic (+1) featured characters (and # of times featured): - 4 connor (-4) - 4 markus (-) - 1 north (-1) - 1 kara (-1) - 2 luther (+2) - 1 alice (+1) - 1 hank (-) - 1 sumo (-) - 1 simon (+1) - 1 josh (+1) - 1 nines (+1) - 1 gavin (+1) - 1 tina (+1) - 1 chris (+1) - 1 miles (+1) - 1 amanda (+1) featured ships (and # of times featured): - 1 rk1k (-1)

13 text posts (non-fanfic) (-10)

8 art-related ramblings (+2) 1 writing-related mumblings (-3) 4 dbh-related musing (-1) 2 summary post (+2)

notable events

prepping for international move!!!

this was a low post month because irl responsibilities and working on big bang projects.