This Blog Is Dedicated To Kindness

I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.

It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.

I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.

My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.

Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.

It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.

I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".

Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.

Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.

lounging in an ouch position?

haven't taken a deep breath lately?

hungry? thirsty?

need to use the toilet?

too much sensory input?

the parade

You must unlearn this.

You must accept that all people will be annoying at some point or another in their lives, maybe all of their lives, and that this is okay. It is okay for strangers on the bus, it is okay for children in the grocery store, it is okay for people on social media, and it is okay for you.

anniversary drawing 🌼

near where I live, there’s a stretch of grass that’s always being stepped on and flowers mown down by the council - but the dandelions still thrive, and the buttercup comes back bright and resilient in the borders that can’t be reached or tamed.

🌸Get a journal. Write 3-5 positive things down everyday, and yes some of them has to be related to how you look. If positive things is a bit too much, go for reminders like “I deserve to exist just the way I am”.

🌸Wear stuff that makes you happy. If it brings you joy, wear it. It doesn’t matter if someone else would go “Umm, that’s not really for your body type”. A big “shh” to them and a big cheer for you for not listening.

🌸Put on some good music and dance in your underwear. Especially if you’re standing in the bathroom and are tempted to say mean things to yourself. Dance instead.

🌸Avoid diet talk. Avoid negative body talk. No more bonding with other people about what you hate about your body. That is contagious. And please remember this: If you happen to find yourself in such coversation and cannot change the topic, and you the following days are feeling way worse about your body? All that came from that conversation. That doesn’t really change how you feel, but it explains where it came from and that might help.

🌸Follow a diverse set of people with different bodies on social media.

🌸Remember that there are people who profit of you hating how you look. They will straight up tell you something is wrong and then tell you how to fix it, just to make a profit.