this may be a series. buckle up.
It is a funny thing, to think of myself as a writer; something I have vehemently opposed through apathy, I mean you can’t fail if you don’t try, right?
I also see this as a similar mentality that I have had about exercise. I’ve tried before, started and stopped, or “started” and felt really proud of myself for even trying. But it was quite recently that I’ve made it a habit, something I consciously choose to do on a regular, scheduled basis. Every Monday and Wednesday before school, Friday when I wake up, and either Saturday or Sunday, depending on how my plans fall for the weekend. And what’s really weird is that I’ve continued to do this... for four weeks now. Sometimes I don’t get to it, sometimes my schedule doesn’t fit it in very easily, whatever. I haven’t given up just for missing one day yet, which is actually pretty impressive. In fact, yesterday I woke up with a massive headache and I didn’t work out before class which was a bummer. But then when I got home I was about to get in the shower when I thought,
“just do it” weird.
no I don’t want to, I’m tired....
“doooooo it.”
ugh it’s so much woooork
“you’ll feel better if you do”
god I hate it when I’m right
“YEEEAHHHHH GET IT”
And so I did. I convinced myself to push through the wishy-washy feelings that hold me back, because that is what commitment looks like, damnit! And wouldn’t you know it, I actually did feel better. Mostly because I didn’t give up and I was able to say “haha I did it!” rather than actually feeling good about my body. But that seems to be what it’s about: commitment feels good. Not giving up feels powerful. Even if I can’t really see it, I know my body appreciates it and it makes me a healthier person. I’m happy, and I know I’ll continue to be happy if I can just fight through the voices that say I can’t, or I don’t want to, because I know I am stronger than I feel, and I am committed like no shit.
