...And I'm enough.

I never liked that ending either.

he knows their friendship is... different? he feels differently about cas than other friends he has. but dean has so few friends and cas is an angel to boot, so of course things are going to be different with him.

but then lucifer kills cas right in front of dean and he's forced to look at a lot of things. like why this death hurts more than anyone else's. why cas dying this time makes dean feel like he's walking around with a permanent hole in his chest.

and when he really sits down with himself and realizes not only does cas loves him, but he loves cas? well he shuts it back up into a box right away. won't look at it directly in the eye. at first it's because cas is dead and not having him - well, really thinking about that would probably leave him comatose on the bunker floor. and then he gets cas back, and it's the happiest fucking day of his life, and the new reason is cas just got back, he has a son now, give him some space. and then fear takes over. if losing cas without the romance shit attached hurts this much - what would it be like if they actually crossed that line? if dean knew what it was like to have cas, truly have him, then lose him? so it's just easy to take hunt after hunt, to get swept up in saving the world, losing other people... it's easy to keep those feelings for cas tight in a box.

but then he nearly loses cas again. not to death; to dean's anger. after saying those cruel words to him after losing mary. and he realizes that if he lost cas again in any capacity at all, it might just kill him.

so he opens the box. he gets on his knees in purgatory. and he prays damn hard for cas's forgiveness. and he's ready to put it all on the line before cas stops him from saying anything out loud.

Take me back to the night we met.

bonus:

gif request from @dean-you-assbutt-cas-loves-you​

castiel’s dramatic entrances + his final exit

Felicia Day as Charlie Bradbury

I’ve watched this episode a lot.  It’s one of my absolute favorites.  I love that it’s Cas-centric, I love the way it’s shot, and I love the way it’s written, and I think it’s one of the very best episodes.

But really, I love the way it tells Cas’ love story.

Cas has sacrificed everything for the Winchesters, and they have sacrificed plenty for him in return, but the real center of Cas’ narrative in the episode is not only his betrayal and the mistakes that he’s made, but it’s Dean, they way Dean talks about him, the way Dean looks at him, the way Cas feels when he betrays Dean, and the way Cas looks at Dean when Dean can’t see him.

Cas knows that he’s lying to Dean, he knows what he’s doing is wrong and he can’t say anything because he feels like all the wrong things he’s doing, including lying to Dean are a means to an end.

And then Cas hears Dean defending him, being completely adverse to the idea that he could be working with Crowley or be lying to them.  It’s clearly something Cas clings to, since he outs himself as listening in on them when he brings up the Superman/kryptonite thing,but most importantly, it’s this:

It’s literally one of the most popular romantic tropes: how someone talks about you when you’re not there/how someone looks at you when they think you can’t see them.  Clearly, Dean is willing to defend Cas to the death, and we’ve already seen how Cas looks at Dean, and it just continues as the episode progresses, even as Cas’ decisions get worse and worse.

But Dean still had this almost blind trust in Cas, it’s so obvious, written all over his face, and it completely changes when he realizes Cas has been listening to them the whole time.

THE  BETRAYAL IN HIS FACE, YALL

And Crowley knows that Dean is this leverage he can use against Cas.  He clearly knows that Cas is in love with has a serious weakness for Dean, and we go back to this “the way they look at you when you can’t see” trope too.  Except Crowley can see the way Cas looks at Dean, and he knows that if he even threatens Dean Cas will do whatever he asks.

These words are so much.  That’s just it, Cas won’t look at Dean, when normally he can’t take his eyes off him and even Dean knows that means something is wrong.  It’s such emotional honesty for Dean, which is so rare for him, especially at this point in the series, and I think it speaks to his growth, yes, but also to how he feels about Cas.

And they both know what’s coming, the declaration of betrayal (another trope lol).

And then there’s the grand finale, where Cas sacrifices himself to save Dean, and the last look they share, where there’s this silent communication, but it’s clear that Dean doesn’t leave him because he can’t forgive him, he leaves because Cas asked him to.