New Years, New Tears

If you’re saying M’lady you should be wearing tights and a neck ruffle. If you’re wearing a fedora you should be saying like… see here and dame. Classy fedora dudes never said M’lady. Wtf.

Neural networks are a type of computer program that mimic the way human brains learn. Unlike traditional computer programming in which a programmer invents rules for the program to follow, neural networks have an amazing ability to intuit their own rules about datasets simply by examining them.

Given a dataset with enough examples, a neural network can learn the sounds and letter combinations that make a band sound metal, or a tune sound Irish, or a creature sound like a Pokemon.

Then yesterday, I got an email from the Portland Guinea Pig Rescue. “Have you ever trained a neural network to generate guinea pig names?”

No, I hadn’t. In fact, I was fairly certain that this particular feat had not yet been tried in the history of machine learning research. Intrigued, I asked why.

It turns out that the Portland Guinea Pig Rescue often takes in many unnamed guinea pigs at once when they encounter hoarding situations, or sometimes they decide to rename a guinea pig to increase its chance of being adopted. They wanted to know if, given a list of typical guinea pig names (”Snickers”, “Pumpkin”, “Ginger”, “Rascal”, etc), a neural network could learn to generate more names. Yes, I said. Given a list.

The next day, I had a list. The Portland Guinea Pig Rescue gave me the list of every guinea pig they had ever rescued, the names of their own pet guinea pigs, and all the guinea pig names they could find online.

And that same day, I had an answer. Yes, despite having no concept of what these furry round rodents actually are, a neural network is indeed uncannily good at naming them.

I give you: the first guinea pigs named by neural network, currently up for adoption at the Portland Guinea Pig Rescue:

And:

And:

Careful blog readers may notice that Buzzberry is actually an 80s action figure, while Fleury White and Stargoon are both paint colors. Portland Guinea Pig Rescue admitted that they liked some of the other neural network names as well. “I did just threaten one of our rowdy fosters with Stoomy Brown if he didn’t start behaving himself.” 

They also named this guinea pig Princess Pow, one of my favorite action figure names:

I leave you with a list of guinea pig names invented by neural network, some pretty darn good:

Fufbey Spackles Atter Pie Dab Pugger P Snifket Fuzzable Fabsy Dilrus Gooper Rockass Bless Hanger Dan Nuzzy Spockers Mumkle Splanky Fubby Dandan

and some not so much:

Me Madly Mean Pot Mucky Fusty Fleshy Trickles Butty Brlomy Moonyhen Boooy Bho8otteeddeeceul

I need to get up. I wanna get food. I gotta exfoliate and moisturize, cause my skin looking atrocious right now.

What if… [deep breath] What if I die here, y’all? Would anyone even miss me?Like, really?

I want Enrique Iglesias to come save me. Like, the ceiling opens up and like, he comes down from like, a heavenly cloud with my glasses, and he’s singing. [imitating Enrique Iglesias] ‘Would you dance? If I asked you to dance? I will be your hero baby!’ And I just take my glasses and I’m like ‘Thanks yo! Put a shirt on homie!’

But life, life don’t work… life… [prolonged silence]

[camera zooms in on glasses] 

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens TUMBLR*